Helping 5yo SD reconcile my 'name' or place in family
I'm new here and am actually really glad that I went down the rabbit hole of trying to google this question for days because it led me here. I really couldn't find anything out there that specifically spoke to the situation I'm experiencing. It's no a bad situation - just... new and there's nobody I know to ask. I'm sorry this is so long! I've been holding it in for a few weeks now!
I am a stepmom (with no bio kids) to two kiddos (5yo girl / 9 yo boy) for the past year and half (but living with them when they come part time for just over a year). SS understands and is cool with calling me by my first name and doesn't seem to have any issues reconciling that i'm a 'parent figure' without a title.
SD, however, keeps testing the waters around 'who' I am - like she's trying to figure out this abstract concept. Convos like this happen often these days:
SD: "You're not my 'real mom' but you're kind of like a mom"
Me; "That's right - I'm (my name) and I'm you're Stepmom"
SD: "And we're all in one family"
Me: "That's right!"
Convo ends...
SD: "I love you mom"...."Oops, I forgot step. But I can call you mom if I want"
Me: "Well... I'm you're stepmom. I'm (my name) and I love you just like mommy and daddy love you"
SD goes quiet.
SD: "It's kind of like I have two mommy's"
Me: "Yes - you have a biological mom, your mom who had you in her tummy and a step mom, me"
And so it goes, conversation after conversation, for the past few weeks especially. Bio mom is very much in the picture and we have the kiddos about 30-40% (sometimes up to 50%) of the time, so both places feel like home. I think that maybe SD is trying to really figure out this concept of stepmom and how I'm a parent but I don't have a 'title' like mommy or daddy. I'm just (my name). I don't want to discourage her and I want her to feel like she can connect with me deeply and feel she can say whatever she wants to me on this subject and not keep giving her these canned, sometimes awkward responses. I don't know if anyone has ever had this situation or conversation before, but any advice would be amazing!
Im just Clove
When I was girlfriend, little Munchkin-then-8 would ask me what she should call me. A few oopses happened (they will), but now I am firmly in her mind as "Clove". My role as she has defined it previous to my marriage to her father was "Guardian, Protector, Helper, Authority figure (like an Aunty)" and now she is happy to have "Stepmother" added because as she states "its easier to explain to her friends who I am". A-pparently, when I would pick her up from school, she would get the roster of questions: who is she? Shes my dads girlfriend. Does she live with you and your dad? yes. etc.
So it was less complicated after we married. But like you there was some awkwardness at first. I did not discourage her when she made a mistake, just corrected. We have a really great connection, she is now 12, and I have done back-to-school shopping, helped her through her first period, gotten excited for her successes and joys, held her sobbing in her grief. We have some time now, and lots of experiences to learn from. So, I am a motherly figure, and I call myself the "helicopter stepmom". *ROFL*
Enjoy getting to know your SD! And growing with her as she grows. I also do not have any Bio children, like yourself. There is a dearth of information out there about this subject, the Step-World. Knowledge is hard-won and sometimes Bitter Victories are won (Divorce/Breaking up with Step Family), but such is life.
Thanks for your input Clove!
Thanks for your input Clove! I guess that's the kicker, isn't it - you just have to take it one day and conversation at a time. I am most comfortable with them using my name but I think talking about what that means - like you said - "protector, guardian, helper..friend" etc would be helpful for her to wrap her head around what stepmom really means. Next time she brings it up, we might talk about some of those words and how meaningful they are!
Kids are smart. They know
Kids are smart. They know who and what we are as SParents and they know who their REAL parents are. Being a REAL parent has little to do with biology and everything to do with who actually parents and fosters the Skid’s best interest.
i met my bride of 24+ years when my SS was 15mos old. I am the first person that he ever called Dad(dy). Neither his mom nor I told him to. He chose to.
SS-26 asked me to adopt him when he was 22. We made that happen.
If your youngest SKid wants to call you mom... that is her choice. Though only you can decide what any child will call you.
When the SpermGrandHag took exception to his calling me dad he and I had a talk. I gave him a choice. He could either call me Dad or Mr. Rags. I do not allow children to call me by anything other than what I am and that limits the options dramatically. (Dad, Uncle R or Mr. R).
So, take being called Mom as what it is. Fact from the kid’s perspective. Then you choose what the kid will call you.
That's really good input. I'm
That's really good input. I'm most comfortable with my name, but letting her decide where I land inside her head and her heart - well that's an important piece of it.
Thank you!
I just did a quick google
I just did a quick google search for alternative stepmom names- since it seems SD wants to give you a "title name" there was some pretty cool ones out there.
For example- in french step mom is "Belle-Mere" - that is shortened to Bella
Or Mimi instead of Mommy