I agree with the all of the above, They will never sink or swim if the hand keeps going out, BD is not doing any favors for his adult kids. Its one thing to be a steping stone when in real dire need, but if they are just blowing money left and right and dad there is flipen the cost it needs to stop!
Maybe he feels guilty about something and thats why he over exstends himself? But even still if that was the issue he needs to put reality back in perspective for the long term of his kids.
I only know ths cuz SS rides the wave on the kindness of my BF and he is where he has always been " Does not even try" to do for himself, BF is the fall back guy because he lets it happen.
and all it does is create unnessasary drama and and feeling of entitlement to the kid, and instead of seeing it has a help along now it has become a exspectation " Big difference".

I agree w/ Mustang. My dad drowned when i was 23 so I know how fragile life is- I always loved my kids to death and they know it, but I've also tried to raise them so if God forbid me or DH or both of us get hit by a train , they would be able to function. My SIL's are like that w/ MIL- they can't seem to support the lifestyles they choose. And they're almost 50!!! :jawdrop:

Welcome to the board.

My mother has always taken care of everyone. My father would never make a phone call to a business he always had her do it. He would never fill out a form, write a check or anything. Pretty pathetic if you ask me.

Now my retired mother takes care of my brother's 3 kids 11, 18, & 21 years old. Plus the 18 year old has a baby and a baby Mama that he has living with him. The 11 & the 21 year old both live in my mother's house. My mother bought a trailer and put it on her land behind her house just to get some people out of her house. So the 18 year old, his 17 year old baby mama, and the 1 year old baby all live in the trailer that she provides and pays all the bills on. As you can imagine, there is always a lot of drama going on around there, I don't know how she puts up with that crap.

None of them have a job or any prospects for a future. What are they going to do when she dies?

Why she does this to herself I will never know. When any of them ask me for anything I say "NO" but she can't seem to do that.

Good for you for being able to walk away from the madness!

Hi ownedbypedro,

I'm really sorry this has come between you and your DH. It sounds like he knows there's a problem but can't bring himself to do anything about it - even when it's caused such damage to your marriage.

You mentioned you are "out" of your situation, but are still married at this point. Is there a chance you'd reconcile if things change for the better? I didn't catch whether you and your husband have been in marriage counseling, or whether he's looked into counseling himself about codependency/boundary issues. Sometimes it takes an objective person outside the family to help us see why things aren't working. Otherwise, if your husband truly feels his son needs and is benefitting from parental "help," your objections just make you seem like the bad guy.

Take good care - I'll be praying for a breakthrough.

dawgfan

All if this sounds so familiar. My ss21 is still living in our home. He has not had a job in over a year and no intention of getting one. He has been literally sitting on butt doing nothing. He thinks if he walks our two little dogs he has done enough. We have 4 kids together. In the home are my DD16, 1 SD19, and 1 SS21. My DH has kicked out SS once and he went to school and so thinking he was going to do better we let him back in, BIG mistake! He failed the nursing test and has done nothing since. He tells his dad that he does more than anyone in the house. If I was not so mad I think I would actually laugh at this statement. His room is a mess. His bathroom... do not even get me started. DH finally took away his phone that we pay for. SS was ticked off when DH asked him to pay $60 a month for his phone back when he had a job which he paid like twice. We have put a lock on the guest suite (as I call it) so he no longer has a bedroom which is not phasing him right now because SD19 is staying with SD23 since DH told them off for not doing what he asked (wash dishes, walk the dogs, no friends over after we go to bed and no keeping us awake in the middle of the night because we work full time jobs and we also have a small garage to do auto paint and body work every weekend). These are our rules; Oh and to be respectful. So, SS has been hanging out in SD19 room for the past week. She is not speaking to us either. I guess she overheard me or my DD or DH talking out loud where she could hear something about her that is a fact or then again who knows why. If we do not agree with SD19 on everything she says or does then she is mad at us because everyone should be on her side at all times and to hell with you if you are not. That actually pretty much sums up all 3 skids. At least SD19 works but she does still live for free. I would not mind so much if she had finished her senior year this year but she did not return to school so that would be three skids that dropped out. God help my DD. She does not have much to look up to in her s-siblings. Try as I might to keep the peace and keep everyone on equal playing grounds these skids are way to dominating for me. I am so done. I am truly praying that SD19 stays with SD23. SD23 will never let SS live with her again and BM is Bipolar (Medically Diagnosed) Lunatic and is no kind of mother at all. It is becoming more apparent that we will actually have to file evection papers to get SS out of the house. Paying for all of us step parents to make it. Good luck.

No wonder this drove you crazy, part of a parents responsibility is to prepare a child for adult life, my parents never helped me with money, they were good to me and once I went back home for a few months after a break up, thankd to them when I left home I was totally self sufficient, I mean if you love a child how could you not teach them how to take care of themselves? Its just unbelievable, I think that some parents are like this because they need to feel needed.