there are so many levels of wrong with that picture!!!! she -obviously- is playing with you and it seems to me that you have to claim your place as a wife back. the ways in which this can be accomplished vary a lot depending of the dynamics of the family but one thing is tru in all cases. you need your place as a wife and adult in the family. DH has to set limits for little brat and you have to step up and not let her run the show.

your SD does have electra complex. she views u as someone stealing her man. she's a sick entitled brat and her father needs to open up his eyes. SD13, omg what a complex SHE had! from age 6-12, i swear i felt like a fuckin mistress in my own home.

How did you deal with this? Are there any strategies for coping?

DH needs to see that the lack of boundaries is BAD for SD and for his marriage. If he won't see the light, there will be no stopping the disgusting behavior. I moved out of my home with ex-DH because he didn't see an issue with him buying SD lingerie and g-strings at Victorias Secret. The counselor eventually made him see how sick his behavior was but I made no progress and moved out because I refused to be in competition with a child.

Look for books, articles, etc to try to make your DH see the light and suggest therapy stat.

Welcome to the club! I am moving out on Monday. The issue is also boundaries. His daughter is 12 now and the issues with her sitting in his lap and co sleeping in his room etc were red flags. Along with faces and attitudes when I am around and phone calls from the BM demanding "alone" time and me physically disappearing from family finctions and events. He did not back me up on these so I had to leave. The latest was excessive texting at 7- 8 p. almost every night just with : hey messages. I asked him to stop this.He claimed it was not excessive and inappropriate and it was just him communicating with his daughter and that I was preventing him from communication. I told him that I would rather he call her and ask in front of me what she wants then text back and forth all night. Oh, it also does not matter that the BM is pobably dictating the messages behind the scene. He was like no I donot believe it . I aske dher questions that only my daughter and me know .I was like like what and he was like - what we ate on Sunday. I told him that this is silly. And clearly shows how dillusional he is . He claims that I overreact and make things up in my mind. Because of that and he would not see the light and set boundaries I left. I thought he was seeing the light we reconciled and then when I woke up I saw another hey message from his daughter send at 7 p.m. I just could not live with that. I addressed it and that was the end of it. He said that I am making stuff up. I just could not fight the fight anymore.Am I overreacting? Is this normal?

Gofor it ,I am not sticking aroung and you are right I am the jealous SM and he is protecting his little princess. The sad story is that he is studying in a social work program and has taken counseling classes including Freud. I just donot know how stupid you can be to do all he is doing. He just does not see it.And because he does not see it or pretends that he does not understand it we are at this stage where I am leaving he has completely shit down and our relationship is beoynd repair.I tried to offer him counseling and for us to seek help but he does not want to do it. There is nothing I can do . I have been in it for 3 1/2 years and thought I am making some progress but recently I saw that it was not a progress but simply I was not seeing the dynamic clearly because I was disengaged.
Yes, he also told me that I have a problem and that I am making up stuff in my head, So because of that I just coudl not take it and guess what I donot have to.
Now he needs my help - well too bad go run to the little princess and her mother - they will help you out. I am no longer the stupid one.I have been helping him for years. NO MORE! I took a stance and I am strong very strong!

I cried my eyes out. It is at the stage where I cannot look at him be near him or spend another minute near him. I spend the rest of the evening at a hotel. My parents are with me on skype. I am calling a u haul company in 20 minutes to get a truck and move my stuff to the new place. My neighbour will help me move the stuff out while he is at work. I will give the keys back to the office of the apartment complex and donot really want to see him anymore. I cannot be near him , around him or listen or talk to him.
He is still dillusional and thinks that I am leaving because he has children. I am just at a loss with this man. I cannot do anything. I feel that if your daughter is 12 you donot allow her to sleep in your bedroom and you donot allow her to sit on your lap. You donot go on movie dates and you do not text her like you are having some teenage crush. You are a parent. You are supposed to stand behind your fiancee and future wife that you were planning to marry in two weeks.
There was so much wrong in this situation but I am glad I did not order the dress and did not marry him.
He thinks this is sepration trial but for me the relationship is over. Sometimes love is not enough - now I understand what this sentence means. There must be more then love there must be humanity and care in the person that you will be with. Somebody that respects your dignity and humanness. Somebody that understand the meaning of love as a transcendental force that can transform and allow people to come together. He never grasped that concept.
I helped him with the social work program including wrote his application essay and all his application documents. Wrote most o fhis papers and guided him through every step of the process. I made him beleive that he can be what he wants to be- I nurtured and encouraged , every step of the way. I donot think he wants to practice social work. I donot think he understands the difference between a wife and a child. I refuse to be in competition with a child.
His son is completely the opposite- well behaved, respectful , pure joy. I was ready to help his son with everything. I sat his son down and told him that I am 100% behind him in every way when and if he needs me.
I donot know what is about his daughter but he gets very defensive and does not even wants to hear me when I say something that concerns her. So I just have to give up. I tried.
I also had nightmares where his daughter chases me and kills me. I just could not take all of this negativity. It was too much.
I will feel better when I am away from him . I am sure. This site is very helpful.
Love , care and share to care with everyone!!!! Look at teh signs and be very thoughtful and careful. I stayed for too long and put up with this!

1kbuckeye9 you are definately getting played and he is letting it happen!!! So speak up and say something to both of them together!! Non-emotional and tell your husband what you need. If he doesn't provide it make a move or settle for this abuse. Clearly up to you. Oh and by the way I'm so sorry they are doing this to you... you deserve better. Think, decide, DO !!! LOL

I think this is very inappropriate 1kBuckeye9. I think the others a right about the Electra complex too.

anafiodorova, I am sorry for what you are going through now but I really think you are doing the right thing. In a few months you will be glad to be out of it I think. Keep in touch through this forum and let us know how you are getting along.
Hugs, Boudicca

Weird, Creepy and just plain uncomfortable.

Thank you all for the support. I am in my new apartment and already have plans to start yoga classes and travel to Canada to visit a friend from way back when I was in law school. I feel so much better when I am far away from him and all the tension and negativity. I just cannot explain it.
He even understands that his situation is not normal . However, he is so much used to the dysfunctionality of it all that he craves it and sees it as normal. Could be the ego could be he is afraid of his daughter and the BM. I dont care at this point. All I know is that he is ok being alone and miserabel as long as his daughter, BM and his mother are happy. So if that makes these three people happy he is ok with it. This logic is unknown to me and I donot know who will live their lives like that.
He knows he let something great leave that is why he wants trial separation. However, in my heart and soul and in my mind and brain I have said farewell. He never truly had my back. He was faking it and feeding me what I want to hear without changing the status quo. Yes, it might be great for him for now to be dating his 12 year old daugher and taking her out to movies and"alone" time and liking the sitting in his lap and her sleeping in his room like they are a couple. I know for sure that she has been asking him to continue to sleep in his room. He claimms that this has changed. His excuse for her sleeping in his room is that he does not see her that often. For now that might be ok but in the long term I think that he will understand.
I do not care what your excuse is - she has a room decorated for her. Why she is sleeping in your room especially when I am in the house and I am not even allowed to watch the news with you in your room.This does not sound right? And your mother approved that and it was done behind my back. And despite it all I stayed. Now with the cell phone text messages I saw that it was going to no good and wante dto stop it before it has blown out. I told him to call. He would not call but will continue to text like that was giving him some importance of being acknoweldged. After the argument for the texting and him telling me that I am jelous and I am stopping him from communicating with his daughter( mind you I told him to call her and ask her how is she) he agreed to let me go. His words were : you have to find someone that does not have kids. It is not about the kids- it is about how you deal with it and set boundaries. He failed to do this. I think in his mind he is defending his daughter and I donot know what. Hoever, he does not realize that this will backfire and one day he will find himself alone in an empty apartment depleted financially and probably my words will be echoing in his mind. He is desperate for any attention from his daughter . The money manipulation and the asking for things never stop . The BM raised her very materialistically and this is all this girl knows- I donot want your dress give me the money. This is what she said to her grandmother. There are many other signs but it will take me a whole day to talk about it.
It is sad that he would see but would not want to change and acknoweldge and situation. I told him that he is not ready to marry me. When he starts putting me first and listening to me than he will be ready. His response was - I do not have the energy to deal with it. My response - leave while he was at work. Pack my bags and leave. Good luck to any woman that will meet this guy. If I coudl I will put a flashing sign: WARNING!DANGER ZONE!
I will have to go and buy a bookshelf since he refused to give me the one we had . He bought a 20 usd one from Walmart for me. I offered to pay for it and he initially agreed and then changed his mind. Go figure. I guess he is bitter.
Love and Hugs. Share to care!

There is definitely something wrong with a father sleeping with his 12 year old daughter. There is no excuse for that. You are better off out of it anafiodorova and have fun at those yoga classes! You deserve a better life.

When I say sleeping I mean she is not in his bed but on a mattress on the floor, suposedly because she is scared of I do not know what? I donot think that this is appropriate no matter what. But... I had to leave

"I told him that he is not ready to marry me. When he starts putting me first and listening to me than he will be ready." Good for you! You nailed it - he is not ready to be married. In fact, a lot of these DH's (including mine) should have worked through these separation issues with SD's and learned to treat the SM like a wife before they got married. Stick to your guns. It is still not right to share a bedroom with a 12 year old.

I also thought it was not normal. I just donot understand how his mother parcticipated and arranged the sleeping situation behind my back.She is a woman - how does she allow this in her home? His daughter has a room decorated for her and specially made with concern for her when she visits. My biggest issue was also his mother supporting this type of behaviour. Supposedly his mother started seeing the light. I have been disengaged so I can not say this for a fact because I no longer beleive what he says and how he presents stuff to me .I also found skype messages where his daughter is asking him to sleep in his bedroom and I donot know whether he has said yes or no. If this practice still continues after he told me that it has stopped then there is no real solution in his situation. Could be too late. I feel I was fed things that I want to hear and he was doing what he wanted to do. Venting here and listening to you guys helps me understand that I was right to take the decision to be on my own. It is painful and I occasionaly cry when I remember something that reminds me of him but as he said I will love again and will meet a better guy.I think the situation between us is beyond repair now because of issue with his daughter and his inability to see the larger picture. I was supposed to suck it up and not be respected. I just could not take the abuse. He even told me that this type of behaviour is normal because his mother has been testing me. I was always weak and not brave enough and had to take it all. I could not . His grandmother told me to be brave the last time I met her. I donot knwo what to make of it. I love his grandmother and she has wisdom and has talked with him few times. I do not know what she will tell him this time. But I hope that it will get through to him. I just want to make sure that I am not the crazy one in this situation.

My daughter is 10 almost 11 and still sometimes (especially during vaction days when she sleeps in and isn't that tired at night or when she has watched something scary on TV,) she will get in the bed with Dh and me. It isn't a big deal to us. Also, my dh would love more texts from his daughters. DD still sits in his lap sometimnes or leans her head onto his shoulder when they are sitting on the couch watching tv. It is all beautiful to me.

I am happy for you. I guess I am not as good as you are and you are managing the situation better than I am. She never slept between us. She slept beside his bed and I was not even allowed in his room. Regarding the texts - I am all for it when there is a substance. Not just random hey at night when the BM knows that we are together. In the beginning of our relationship the BM used to call exactly at the same time knowing that we are together.
I am happy for you and that you situation is working out better than mine. Every family is happy alike and unhappy in their own ways. I am gald that you are happy . I was unahppy in his family in my own way . Who knows I might have to try and become a better person and forget about my identity and dignity.I guess it will be all beautiful to me when I have a daughter . However as a daughter myself I still have never sat in my father`s lap and never slept /shared a room with my father. Neither did I called/texted my father when he was on long trips abroad, nor did I lean my head on his should when we watched TV. The last one actually sounds VERY inappropriate to me.All of the above are things that my father will do with my mom and not with me. Surprisingly, I have turned out independent woman with goals and ambition and solid career.Despite the fact that I never had a romance with my father. I cared not to bother my parents , saved money to give them gifts and cooked a meal to help them out or cleaned so that when they come home they can rest.I made great grades and made them proud. This is beautiful to me. The rest seems inappropriate to me. But... this is how I feel.
I am very happy for you and your situation and please, give us some tips how to get to the point that you have reached so that we can all learn from your experience.
Thank you , for sharing your wisdom with me.

I agree, it's not you, it's them. SD's actions are downright trashy and shows a lack of respect for you and DH. Tell her to put some clothes on. When I was growing up, my mom taught me to be mindful of having on sufficient night clothes in front of my brothers, so I can't even imagine prancing around in front of my dad wearing next to nothing. Your DH needs to set boundaries and teach her what's acceptable, and to have respect for her body.

If either of my daughters had that type of relationship with their father at the age your Boyfriends daughter is I'd have slapped their father (my X) silly and I'd have paddled their arses too if they weren't being sexually molested and were egging their dad on. Too many young girls,mainly skids, are getting too sexual with their fathers now a days. I think your soon to be skid was trying to mark her territory and her dad was letting her and she was acting like a slut while she was doing it. Your lucky you are out and on your own, Enjoy