Troubles with his ex wife

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argh! my boyfriend was married before we got together and his ex wife is the ultimate nightmare. she behaves like a child in the running of her life, crashing from one drama or crisis to another, most of which she brings on herself by assosciating with certain types of people or just stupid naiveity, ultimately her dramas impact on our lives as she likes to play the sorry little girl and make my boyfriend feel sorry for her, or offer her help. this morning she came to pick her little boy up from our house and whilst i was still asleep in bed inevitabley told my boyfriend another sob story of how bad her life is, which resulted in him giving her a hug and kissing her on the cheek, i saw this through a bedroom window and am now absolutely gutted and feel sick to my stomach. i called him about it straight away but he made no apologies for doing this but just said she was upset and looked like she was going to cry so he naturally gave her a hug, i have almost had enough of the whole damn thing, has anyone out there got any views on this??

Sorry but Knowing what I know now...

I am sorry but I think this won't change unless you make it very clear you won't be involved with someone involved with two women. In my case, my DH left when I made that clear...yours may be different but I can tell you in 3 years of marriage it only got worse and her games to get him "back" got stronger with each passing month instead of the opposite which is what I had hoped for. Your BF may be a very nice person but it seems from your blog that he has issues still unresolved with the ex. I think some men need to feel like a hero...can't take the temptation not to especially when it is an ex-wife they have guilt about...the hug and kiss may make him feel like a good guy but in truth, it only hurts everyone involved. It hurts his ex to give her mixed messages. It hurts you and your current relationship and it hurts his child that mom can't move on for all the mixed messages...he may just not be ready to move on but at least you are not married to him and have no kids. Maybe in time he will be ready to move on but it doesn't appear he has moved on yet.

Put a stop to it

I have to say that I am amazed how far the Ex will take things if you let her. When I married my husband he was still letting his ex walk all over him. She used the little girl to guilt him into giving her money,letting her use his Jeep and coutless things day in & day out. But I told him that she is using him and that she no longer had the right to ask for anything from him. That his job now was to be the great father that he has always been and take care of his daughter by standing up for himself and letting the EX know he was not here to be used by her. She also used to try to take him outside to talk to him telling him that it was not my business because it was about their child. Well I put my foot down there too... if I was going to be part of his world that there would be nothing I would be left out of. Yes I know my place as a step-mother but I also know my place and rights as his wife.

So he sat down and wrote out some ground rules for her that she could not cross. Remember that this person shared with him what you now share so it is normal for the EX to feel that they still have a tie or a right to be treated special. So setting boundries and rules for the EX is VERY IMPORTANT!! Let her know up front that there are just things that will not be put up with.

I do have to say that if my man would have EVER ONCE kissed the EX I would have walked right then & there because to me that says he still cares on some level. You will not win if he loves her still because she holds a key that you do not....he shares a child with her.

I feel like he just doesn't get it

I am new here and was hoping someone out there could offer some advice or perspective. I am divorced with 2 children which I have full custody of. Their father rarely sees them. He left me for another woman who is 26 (he is 42). Anyway, we have been divorced for a year and a half and he has only had the kids over night 7 times. That is how uninvolved he is so.... I have been dating a wonderful man with 2 young girls (6&7). He has shared parenting with his ex. My problem is we hardly have any time to spend together. He has a few free nights a week but he is either so busy with work or he is trying to spend time with his parents (his mother has alzheimers)or he needs to prepare for when he gets his girls back for the week. This compounded with we live 45 min. from each other. We do not spend the night at each others houses because of the kids so it is tough to carve out time for us. He thinks it is not as hard for my kids because they are older (13@14) and more self-sufficient, obviously old enough to stay home by themselves in the evening. He thinks it is harder for his girls because they have to go back and forth between homes, which I agree would suck but they are going from one loving home to another.

I feel extremely guilty over leaving my kids to see him. I know my kids are old enough but the fact that I am the only parent they have it is hard. Not that I am doing alot for them, but just knowing I am there is comforting to them.

I really love him and we have talked about marrying, I am unsure about all of this. He is also very friendly with his ex which is helpful for the kids BUT..... he is still doing favors for her which I just don't understand. He lent her his suv so she could take their daughters along with her fiance, her mother and her fiances' parents to the mountains for a weekemd. They all wanted to ride in the same car. My initial though was " have you ever heard of Avis?!"

It seems to me like he is still emotionally attached to her. Of course he uses the standard "its for the kids". I don't want to be 3rd or 4th on his list of priorities. I know it will be complicated if we do get married and I am just trying to go into it with my eyes wide open.

Has anyone found that no matter how well intended someone is, they continue to put the kids before everything?

I know this is a few issues rolled into one but if anyone has any advice I would greatly appreciate it!

From experience, I would say...

Your kids may be old enough to stay at home alone, but don't do it. At this age they need you more than ever...just in emotional ways and just to be present. That is something that I learned with my own experiences. They may be old enough to be alone and they may want to be alone, but SHOULD they be alone at nights?

Relationships are about making sacrafices for each other...where is the sacrafice for him?

(Betty Boop) I think you should re-think this

This isn't really my business at all but I will tell you that my first reaction based on what you said is I feel sad for your 2 kids and this probably isn't best for you or your kids. The ex-wife problem you mention (see my blog above yours for thoughts on that) is just one piece, but because you are also leaving your two boys to come to him and that doesn't appear to be part of his equation - I think you should wonder if he would do that for you??? Either way, I think the kids lose.

Thanks for your thoughts.I

Thanks for your thoughts.

I know my kids need me now more than ever. I don't think my boyfriend truely understands that. I know he can say he does but until you are there, I just d0n't think you can. He is a wonderful and involved father to his 2 girls which is one thing I love about him, but the fact that he doesn't see how hard it is for me and my kids bothers me.
When I do go out with him my son will call several times to see when I am coming home. It clearly bothers him. I have told my kids that if they are uncomfortable with me seeing him or if they don't like him that I won't see him. They both say they like him and they're ok with it, but I think they just want to see me happy.

Right now I need to put their happiness first. My son is 13 and when my ex first left, I would wake up in the morning and my son would be asleep next to me. He is not some frail little boy, he is 5'7" and 140 lbs. I am happy to say he is not doing that anymore. I think he was trying to protect me or was afraid I would leave too.

My ex walked out on us before when the kids were much younger(of course for a younger woman). I begged him to come back and he finally did but with a list of demands. Why I didn't run when I read it I will never know. He ended his list of demands with this statement "What kind of world would we live in where people would sacrifice their own happiness for their children". Sad but that is how he feels. I am not suggesting that he doesn't love the kids because I think he does, he is just incapable of putting others before himself.

So having said that, I don't want to go down the same path of always doing everything for someone else and it never being enough. In a way, even though I think my BF is wonderful, I feel like he is asking alot of me AND my kids to sacrifice our time together. He needs to be the one making time for me. He does not have the girls 3 nights a week.

Thanks again for your advice and it looks like I have alot of re-thinking to do.

partner alienation

I seem to be unique. I met my partner while he was separated from his wife and 2 children. Since his divorce we have become partners and have now been together 4 years. I met his son in the first year and we have a good relationship. I have never met his daughter (who is now 16) as the mother has poisoned her against me. She has said that if she EVER meets me she will not speak to her again. This is tearing me apart. My partner has to arrange separate times for seeing her or I have to make myself scarce while she comes into my house (she has met my dog and cat and that seems ok). I worry about times when we will have to meet - for example if anything should happen to her dad. What makes it worse, I'm a teacher and used to kids so it makes me feel a total failure that I'm hated for no good reason. It puts a dreadful strain on the relationship and sometimes I wonder if it's worth it as I want a fulfilling relationship and want to be accepted just for the decent hardworking person I am. His ex has said that she is happy to be a martyr and just wants to see him fail and extract as much money as humanly possible out of him. He just tries to keep everyone happy.

I have been with my fiance

I have been with my fiance for over year now and his ex is driving me up the wall, he has two girls 4 and 11 who are wonderful and are my life, and we have a great time together, when the kids go home they talk about how great i am and his ex calls and says she wants him back that me and him are living the life that they were supposed to have that she is not happy and that she doesn't want the kids around me. I have done nothing but love those girls and give them everything i can. I am much younger than her and I understand where she is coming from, but it she keeps referring to their vows from 12 years ago and that he made a promise and always giving guilt to him about the girls, i want to confront her but i don't know if I should.

Say Nothing to Her

I know it may sound strange but dont you reply to this. You have to talk to him about the lines that are being crossed. If he no longer wants to be with her and he truly loves you he needs to stop this from going on. He needs to tell her that he will ONLY talk to her if it has to do with the schedule for the kids, health of the kids, needs of the kids. ONLY ABOUT THE KIDS!!! Then if she starts talking about ANYTHING else he needs to tell her goodbye and hang up. HE CAN NOT LET HER KEEP THIS GOING!!!! If he puts a stop to it she will see that there is nothing there for her. But if you talk to her she will only do it more because she sees that it is causing stress between the two of you. That is what she wants so just stay calm and take it to him. Just tell him that he is the one that needs to take care of this and that it hurts you.

I am going through the same

I am going through the same thing.I like your response,but I have tried talking to my fiance.He says that they are still friends and there is nothing wrong with them speaking about other things than their daugter. I disagree. It does bother me. She will talk to him about EVERYTHING in her life. She has a new man,but still wants to call my fiance. She went out of town recently and sent him messages about some of the neat things she was seeing. It was things that are of interest to him,but I think that was out of line. If it isn't about their child together then they should be finding others to talk to. I have asked him "do you get enough out of your conversations with her to make up for the hurt that it causes me?" He says it shouldn't hurt me.Oh well, everyone has their own opinion.
I did like you comments though. Have a blessed day.

his ex- the victim

My husband, of 18 months, has two children with his ex-wife (a son- 15 and a daughter- 10). About two years ago she gave their son to him because she could not handle him. His son is so extremely hurt and jealous of his sister living with the mom that he is dangerously mean to her at times. When we married we quickly drew up rules of the house and they include everyone showing mutual respect in this house. Through expectations, consistency and follow through of consequences his son has done a complete turn around in his behaviors at our house. But he is out of control at his mom's. My problem is that the ex constantly calls my husband at home and work, while she has the children, to have him discipline their son over the phone for her. She says that he simply will not listen to her and she doesn't know what else to do. The other day he actually sent him to his room at his mom's house until she could get home from work- about 7:30-8:00 pm. His sister is afraid to stay alone with him. Yet, the mother has been paying him to babysit the daughter while she is at work rather than spend the money on daycare over the summer. She is using the money saved on beach house rentals, a new car, new furniture, etc. He curses at his mom and sister, breaks curfew continually, and shows no respect for either of them. He simply will not go to his room if his mom tells him to. I cannot believe what he gets away with at his mom's house. I can tell you that it does not happen here. I am a teacher and have three grown children of my own. Following through with expectations comes natural for me.

I resent my husband letting his ex-wife call on him to take care of her parenting responsibilities. She plays the weak little victim (something he has said was a problem in their marriage) and he plays the hero for her. The real truth is that the kids are the ones suffering here. What on earth can we do?

My fiance, still texts his

My fiance, still texts his ex, she and him have 3 kids together. I wouldnt mind him texting or talking about the kids. She constantly calls to ask if he wants to have dinner, or lunch with her an the kids. I today saw some texts from her, she asked if he wanted to come over and F---. The other asked if he didnt like her P---- today. I confronted him, and I know he did not have alone time with her, but he is still letting her text without putting his foot down. He even sent a smiley face text to her after she asked that, and then she tells him she is smiling. I know I am not stupid, if there is nothing going on, where is this coming from? I do not believe him? Or should i

I'm sorry to say but he is

I'm sorry to say but he is cheating on you....may not be physically, but emotionally. You say you don't think they have had alone time together...but are you sure? He could easily leave early from work or meet on lunch breaks. If that kind of verbiage is being exchanged via text - get out. He is a dog and she is a homewrecker. You sound like you are very smart woman so in all reality I believe I am telling you something you already know!

Um, sorry to say Jennajh

Um, sorry to say Jennajh that if she is texting and asking him if he wants to F---, then he IS cheating on you!!!!! If he weren't and he got that text he will stop all contact except maybe by e-mail so that everything was documented and they could JUST deal with pick up and drop off times for the kids. They are talking about sex via texting??? hello, wake up!!!

Emotionally attached to his ex-wife

I feel your pain.....I am married to a man who calls his ex every day to check on his kids 14 yr old twins....
He says he needs to check on them...but only talks to his Ex....not his children.....................
It is going to destoy our marriage....too.
He spends so much time and energy with his ex-wife that he has none left for me....We can't plan any time away from his 15 yr old...because he doesn't want to stay with his mother.....
He has ODD and needs attention....from his Dad but I need attention too.....
Please....if there are any men out there who are considering getting married ..............DON'T DO IT..........if you are still attached to your EX Wife

yeah i feel sorry for

yeah i feel sorry for that....here is my story i got married with american guy that has a two children the older age 19 and the other one age 7 not the same mother coz my husband been divorce twice....i am new here u.s.a so i really dont know about the law here...it just that makes me so feel bad becoz before my husband always go to her second exwife house to visit his daugther which is 7 years old....i really dont have problem with the first daugther and the first exwife because its already 19...but this second exwife trying to use her daugther over to get the money which my husband paid every month for the support...i am okey with that but it really bothers me beccause my husband already give the support but everytime we go out for his child he always but new things,new shoes,and everything....but my point is since he already paid for the support why he needs to buy things for that specially her exwife knows that the child need to have new things and why she didnt bought things for her daugther after my husband paid for the support...his exwife trying to call him before and said his daugther misses her so much but just really make me so pissed off and i told my husband if his going to do that again im not afraid to file for divorce if he still want to get involve with his second wife..but its been 5 months now im glad he never ever pick up the phone or even send one text to his exwife because i always check his phone everytime and i also go to his work all the time too...and i really hate his exwife too because my husband still paid for her jeep untill now...can you imagine my husband get her a jeep and after 1 weeks she ask for divorce and now that we are married she is trying to interrupt with our relations....if there is a way that my husband could stop paying for her jeep ..i would do it since my husband still own for the jeep...and its still with his name....

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Troubles with his ex wife