I decided last month that I had had enough. I was moving out. I couldn't take it anymore. I told my sister and brother in law and my brother in law let me have it! He told me how selfish I was being, how my CL was the best guy I've ever dated and probably ever would.... his words hurt me more than anything CL said to me in our fight. (with the exception of the cold hearted monster part)

My sister and brother in law have a fairy tale life. They were highschool sweethearts, dated through university, travelled together and then got married and have a great little boy together. They could never even FATHOM what being a step parent is like and I can't explain it well enough to do it justice.

I feel your pain. It makes things harder when there is no one around that "gets it". Guess that's what makes this site so great!!! None of us on here could have guessed in our wildest dreams that this is "what we were getting in to".

I Stole this from another website because I think it is so brilliant ant I hope maybe it will help you explain the situation better to others. It really did help with my DH he was always saying "you knew what you were getting when you got with me" He has stopped saying that since I showed him this and explained my feelings.

Unfortunately, you don't have to be a stepmom very long to hear this thoughtless and insensitive comment, "You knew he had kids when you married him." Or even worse, to hear from your husband, "You knew that I had kids when you married me!"

Obviously, we knew that our husband's had kids, we also knew that those kids have a mother who is not us. This is not a news flash, all it is really is a comment made by people who don't want to sympathize or empathize with our suffering. They would rather give a contrite answer and not listen to our problems. As if telling us that we "knew what we were getting into" is somehow going to solve our problems.

We had no more idea what we were getting into than someone starting a new job. The person starting a new job gets to meet the boss and others in the company, but does not get to know what the office politics are. They don't know that the person down the hall is a gossip and always tries to get others in trouble. They don't know the person at the next desk lies all the time and tries to manipulate things to go his way. Just like we don't know how our stepchildren or their mother will treat us once we become a part of the family.

We meet and fall in love with the man, we love so many things about him. We meet his kids, we try to be nice to them because they are his. But the fact of the matter is that we did not choose the children, we chose him. On the same token the children did not choose us. It is not always going to be that we and the children automatically like each other and get along...any more than a new employee will automatically like and get along with new co-workers.

A person working at a new job would not call their best friend or their mother to complain about it and expect the friend or mother to say, "Well, you knew what you were getting into when you took that job." Yet, that is the exact response that stepmoms get all of the time.

I'm guilty of making "you what you were getting into" comments to family and friends. They have made them to me as well.
Two others we're all guilty of using are "If you aren't going to leave, stop complaining." "You are free to leave at anytime, but since you're staying it must not be that bad."
Sounds harsh, but it's just our way of saying you're not stuck. You have family and friends who are willing to help you, but you have to make the first move.

I got this several times...My response was I thought I did, but unfortunately dating for 4 years did not prepare me for BM turning into a witch and SK's who seemed perfectly fine before, suddenly become terrors (SD) or completely ignoring me (SS). If I had a clue that my new home would turn into a battleground, I wouldn't have done it.

So yes I knew what I was marrying but I did not know what I was getting into, because what I got was not what I had prior to moving in together.

"You knew what you were getting into" is infuriating.

No, you can think you're prepared and have thought about all the repercussions, but until you are waist-deep in the mire of the reality, you can't really know what will happen.

In my case I had known SD for a couple years before SO and I got together. There was no possible way to know how her behavior toward me would change. Even a vivid imagination couldn't have come up with some of the stuff BM has done.

I just had an "ahah!" moment with Echo's bus analogy. Knowing that getting hit by a bus would hurt, I guess the people who say "you knew what you were getting into" mean that if you jump in front of a bus on purpose, you have no reason to complain.

But what if from what you've seen and experienced beforehand, the bus appears to be a friendly 5-year-old beckoning toward you with open arms and it's not until the moment you step in front of it that it turns into several tons of dangerous, fast-moving steel? I guess we should have somehow seen the bus coming?

I must be very lucky because none of my friends has actually ever said this to me. Or maybe I am very careful about my friends - if I had a friend who said this I don't think the relationship would last much longer. It just shows an amazing lack of imagination and insight. I think briarmommy's analysis of the new job situation is very apt. The job can look extremely attractive when you know nothing of what your colleagues are really going to be like.

Also, I was presented with the fiction "I have an amicable relationship with the ex", as many SMs are, intially. A bit of wishful thinking, and a lot of, yes they are amicable as long as they are getting it all their own way from their ex-man before we came along.

I really dislike the habit some people have of presenting pat solutions to complex human relationships. "If you don't like it, leave" for instance. Particularly difficult if there are serious financial barriers to doing so, or if there are people in the situation who are dependent, maybe due to physical or mental ill health, or other reasons. Anyone who says it is all straightforward is very naive.

These words make my skin crawl. How in the world could you/I have ever known....

My Friend said those words to me. So when her daughter went into full blown teenage hell I said to her you knew what you were getting into when you chose to have kids so why are you complaining now?

A light went on in her head immediately. She apologized for her " you knew he had kids and what you were getting into statement." And now she is the first to defend me or any other step mom/dad, when she hears that comment.

She is a teacher and she has told me it has made her more compassionate towards the step parent's she talks too.

Sometime you just need to put it in perspective for others.

I had NO warning! I was the first and am the only one of my friends with SK's.....I get a lot of advice from them; but I tell them to shut the hell up because they have no idea what it's like raising someone elses child!!

I did try to forewarn one of my relatives; but she didn't listen - she went thru years of hell.

If people think I knew what I was getting into by marrying a man with kids, then they should also know that DH knew what he was getting into when he married a woman who has absolutely no obligation to them.

the only one that has ever really said those words to me is dh. Well,typically he says, "you knew we (he and ss) were a package deal when we met". I maintain that I had no clue what I was getting into. SS was 1 when I met dh, 2 when we married-he was a cute little toddler who was slow to speak therefore never mouthed off. How on earth would I ever know that he would turn into some sort of little pot growing, theiving, murder plotting freak? How does one ever know that?

I also always respond to my dh by saying, "if the two of you are a package then where does that leave me?"

He's actually stopped saying it now that ss has moved out.

If people think I knew what I was getting into by marrying a man with kids, then they should also know that DH knew what he was
getting into when he married a woman who has absolutely no obligation to them.

He knew what he was getting into when he picked me. I love this, I'm stealing it for my sig.

DH said that to me once or twice....."You knew I had a child when we met"....and I said..."and you knew I didn't".

That statement: "You knew I had children when you met me"..is such a friggen load of hipocracy. It implies that the person coming into an "already established" family should have to mold and and bend and change in order to accommodate this ready made family. Are women that subservient? Oh Hell No!

The answer should be ..."You knew I didn't have children"!!

Meet in the middle. I'll accommodate you and your "children and BM, etc.."..but you accomodate my "need for independence and one-on-one time with you without children and BM meddling"...because THAT is the only fair way to navigate a relationship like this successfully.

To me...if you're divorced with kids, and you enter into a new relationship, your expectations have to change about your new spouse....it will NEVER be the same as a nuclear family and pretending its the same hurts EVERYONE.