We haven't told our daughter that her father is not her biological father
Hello everyone, I am new to this forum 
My fiance and I have a beautiful 6 and a half year old daughter whom we both love with all of our hearts!!! We are so proud of her learning to read etc in 1st grade. My fiance is the best father I could ever ever ever wish for our child, although he is not her biological father. Her BF is not now and has never been in the picture, my fiance has been in the picture since our daughter was a year and half and stepped up like I never knew a man could (escpecially with her BF being such a piece of shit). We know when we get married he will be able to adopt her after a year (and the BF said that as long as he doesn't have to pay child support anymore, which he never did anyways, he would be more than happy to sign over rights). Our daughter loves her daddy, but the only problem is we have yet to tell her that he is not her biological father. How do we explain to a 6 year old about biological when she isn't old enough for the sex talk? (meaning daddy didn't get me prego but he is your daddy). Part of me thinks we are more affected by the facts than she will be, part of me feels like she kind of already understands because her daddy was adopted and we have talked to her about that and she has given us other hints that she already knows. Part of me wants nothing to do with the teenage years of "you aren't my real dad anyways so you can't tell me what to do" even though I know my fiance will handle that well. We are both scared and I am not sure if we have put it off or if we are fine still waiting. We just want some advice. Hopefully this was pretty easy to understand. We love our daughter and only want what is best for her!
The younger she is when you
The younger she is when you tell her the better. They accept and adjust much easier and the news will be like water off a ducks back. Don't make a big deal out of it when you tell her.
kiddo, what is your favorite pizza? You know fiancée really loves this the best and I'm not sure what your real father liked. Lead into it just like this and let her know how lucky she is that she has 2 men that think she is wonderful. She will accept it and it won't be a big deal, but she is still getting the info.
You need to tell her now so that she can deal with it and move on. Kds that don't find out until much later in life feel they have been deceived.
I faced this same thing with
I faced this same thing with my oldest son. In a stepparent adoption, you MUST let the child know what's going on, explain that the dad is not the "birth" dad, and the judge will ask the child how she feels about being adopted.
I was terrified.
It went fine, though.
The earlier, the better. At 6 1/2, she's old enough to be told. She should have already been told. But do it now. The world won't end. She may have questions; just answer simply and honestly.
The LAST thing you want is for her to start asking questions and find out you "lied" to her about who her father is.
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your advice. We are so scared about talking to her about it. When she asks questions about weather daddy knew she was gunna be a girl or not (in anticipation of our next child, which is not now but will someday be on the way) we just answer the question as if he was there and he answers accordingly...We are scared, but we also realize as she gets older that we get even more apprehensive and she gets more un-reseptive to the facts...what if we never tell her and never let her find out? (obviously we will tell her, but what if we dont and she doesnt find out?)
I must say, I thought this
I must say, I thought this was a pretty interesting read when it comes to this topic. Liked the material. . . . .
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What is best for her is the
What is best for her is the truth.
She is 6 years old...young....you wait until she is a teenager
she will resent you for not being honest.
My daughter was adopted at birth...she is 7..
she knows the truth..she knows the word..
she asks questions and gets honest answers..
Rmember this .............Lies destroy...
I think you should explain it
I think you should explain it to her too, while she is young, it's less damaging that way. I'm not sure how I would go about something like this, I have a friend, her sister gave birth to a child and felt she could not take care of her properly so their OTHER sister adopted the girl, she is now 11 years old and has no idea her aunt is really her mother. My friend talked to me about it one night, I remember telling her that the child should probably know before she get's too old, this was a few years ago but for some reason the family rather keep it a secret. I can't imagine how she will feel once she finds out the truth.
I have another friend, her mom felt ALL her life that her parents were NOT her real parents, she didn't know why, she just felt like she didn't belong, finally when she was like 40 she demanded to know the truth, her "mother" broke down and finally admitted she was actually right, they were not her bio parents, she was given to them by her best friend WHO this woman actually grew up with believing she was her aunt. She never spoke to that woman again.
It's a hard subject to approach but your daughter is young, and it sounds like her and her "daddy" have a very good relationship, she will most likely take the news well and be able to deal with it. You don't even have to tell her WHO her bio dad is at this point, the important thing right now is telling her the truth that even though her daddy didn't help create her he IS her father and always will be.
Good luck in whatever you decide.
One of my earliest memories
One of my earliest memories is of my mother telling me that my "dad" was not in fact my biological father. I grew up knowing that I had a different father than my siblings, and that my "dad" adopted me shortly after he and my mother got married, which was when I was a baby.I knew my biological father was out there somewhere, and when I had questions, my mom was always glad to answer them. Knowing this never affected how I felt towards my adopted father...he is still my dad.
I feel all parents should be honest about these sorts of things. A child deserves to know where they come from- no matter what. Hiding it is the same as lying... and the longer you wait, the more damage it will do.
First of all, hugs to you
First of all, hugs to you all. My oldest is not my bio... though I have raised him since he was 3 and he does not remember a time before "mommy"... his birth mother is my 1st husband's 1st wife (follow that??) and she lives in Europe and pops up every 3 years or so just to be a thorn in our side, refuse to let me adopt my son, and is just a pain in the butt in general.
The last 2 times she has come, I have tried to explain to DS the dynamic. It's a lot for a child. The first time he REALLY didn't get it. He asked a few questions and looked at us funny, but he just didn't get it. It comes up occasionally and I try to be very open and honest. My advice and what I was told by his therapists is to present him with the truth, continue on as normal, be sure to remind him that I CHOSE to be his mommy and that I love him just the same as my bios, and answer his questions as they come. He asks questions occasionally still and is still figuring it out, but he KNOWS that I love him and that I CHOSE him and love him unconditionally. Don't overwhelm with information. WIth this child, I'd be inclined to tell you to just tell her the basics of how men and women make babies without getting into the sex aspect and explain that the "seed" just came from another man, but her daddy is and will always be her daddy. "Not flesh of my flesh, nor bone of my bone, but still miraculously my own. Never forget for one single minute, my child, you grew not under my heart, but in it."
Good luck hunny. The younger you do it, the better. You don't want her to find out by accident and be angry. Better coming from you where you guys can control the situation and do it in a very loving way.