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I have been trying to build a relationship with his daughter and it seems impossible.

BuffyJOE's picture

Submitted by BuffyJOE on Wed, 09/14/2011 - 1:13pm

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Blended Family Issues

My boyfriend and I moved in together in June 2011. He just got back from a 1 year tour in Afghanistan. He brought with him very little belongings. His two dogs, His 14 year old daughter’s bedroom and his man room of a couch, chair and TV. Everything else in the house is what I own. I share everything with him and his daughter. He pays the rent; I pay the utilities and do 80% of the grocery shopping. My 17 year old son lives with us every other week. 50% of the time. I work 40 plus hours a week.

I have been trying to build a relationship with his daughter and it seems impossible.

She is disrespectful to me and the things in the house in every way imaginable. When I try to communicate with her (when her father is not around) I get a 1 word reply. When she wants to borrow my hairspray, nail polish remover, etc… when she needs something she is nice. I lend her whatever she asks for. I drive her to school every morning. Without even a thank you. I plan family events so she is included. She does tell her daddy thank you no matter if it’s not daddy or not who did whatever for her.

I bought some apples from the store a few weeks ago... she ate them all. I currently got some more apples the exact kind I always buy because she ate them all a few weeks ago. Last night she asked her daddy to get some snack stuff and some apples and not the ones in the fridge… She does NOT like red apples. She wants this and that… apparently the snack stuff I have in the pantry is not what she likes nor is the cereal she asked me to buy. I have offered to make her school lunches. NOPE she doesn’t like P&J I’ve even set out snack stuff for her to take she left them on the counter. But she will eat the snacks when she gets home. SO her daddy gives her money every day for a slushy and junk food. I bought her some muffins for breakfast she told me she liked so being nice I got some. My son was with us that week… she ate the tops off them to make sure NO ONE else got one. Not only did she do this once but 2 times so far. Is that selfish or what. When I ask her to do something like clean her room and her bathroom or even clean up after herself she blows me off. When I get home from work she is sleeping on the couch. Wakes up just before daddy gets home and asks what for dinner… She seems to hate what I cook and what I buy to snack on etc... and yes she lets it be known………. UUGGGHHH
I’m not sure I can go on sharing everything I own and get treated so awful in my own house.
My expectations are not so high… (And my son lives by them)
1.Clean up after yourself. 2. Keep your room and bathroom clean. 3. Help out around the house. IE clean up after dinner. 4. Respect for others 5. Treat other as you want to be treated. 6. NO dogs allowed on the furniture.

I feel she is trying to play this whatever game in hopes to come between her dad and I. I do not try to be her mother, nor am I trying to take her Daddy away from her.

I have talked to her dad a little... he gets a little defensive and says she a teen, she gone through a lot.. Etc… witch I understand… but still leads to a fight. HELP any advice is greatly appreciated

BuffyJOE's picture

Submitted by BuffyJOE on Wed, 09/14/2011 - 4:08pm

I've started dating her dad 3 years ago. I've been around her for 2.5 years. So this is not NEW to her. I don't know the full details (and don't want to) about her real mom and step mom.. just know it has not been great. My BF has had full custody of her since she was 3. Do I have plans to re-marry "NO" and my kids know this and why. I have never explained this to his 2 girls (1 in college - who does not live with us nor do I talk too) I did however send her a $$$ HS graduation gift and I got a Text msg thank you from her.

alwaysanxious's picture

Submitted by alwaysanxious on Wed, 09/14/2011 - 1:30pm

Interesting how i am reading these posts about 14 year olds today who sound exactly like my sd 15. Something abot turning 14 makes these girls annoying.

I can only tell you what i have done and you judge if it is a solution for your situation.

Stop telling dh. He is only going to want to defend her. So don't put yourself in that situation.

Leave her alone, don't get her things, don't lend. Stop being so nice. Talk to her the way she talks to you.

You need to distance yourself. She can't manipulate your dh about you if she has nothing from you to use. Plesantries only and don't go out of your way to do things for her. She is taking advantage of your niceness.

alwaysanxious's picture

Submitted by alwaysanxious on Wed, 09/14/2011 - 1:44pm

Ha, I just stopped doing anything. She gets no favors from me. I think the older they get the worse SD get at acting like this.

Sometimes, its just not possible to build a relationship when they are older.

BuffyJOE's picture

Submitted by BuffyJOE on Wed, 09/14/2011 - 4:14pm

So I just stop it all... Even driving her to school?
I'm a naturally nice person So this is going to have to take some work to just stop.

I do understand that yes this is what I have to do... Just to keep my sanity.

alwaysanxious's picture

Submitted by alwaysanxious on Wed, 09/14/2011 - 6:33pm

I am a nice helpful person too. It is hard at first. Then you think why was I wasting my effort.

Start gradually. Cut a few things at a time if it helps.

alwaysanxious's picture

Submitted by alwaysanxious on Wed, 09/14/2011 - 2:12pm

Maybe this will help you too.

You know what I USED to do for SD?
I used to
help with homework
took her to learn to drive
bought her little things she needed
reminded her dad about things she needed
cooked dinner
cleaned up
did laundry
let her use my toiletries
listen to her talk about how horrible her BM is

What I do now?
I remain pleasant, "hello, how are you?"
Nothing else.

alwaysanxious's picture

Submitted by alwaysanxious on Wed, 09/14/2011 - 6:35pm

Well since i was mad at SO for letting her act like this, it didn't matter. Now I am less resentful, so things are better. You have to make it innocent and casual. You aren't doing it to make a point, or get anyone back. You are letting DH be responsible for his kid and giving yourself some freedom back.

wkd_sm's picture

Submitted by wkd_sm on Thu, 09/15/2011 - 3:24pm

Sometimes it can be nice to be the SM because, get this, you don't owe her anything. YOU have NO responsibilities towards her. If she refuses to show you mutual respect, well she shouldn't expect ANYTHING from you in return. You don't have to cook for her, buy anything for her, or drive her to school, or even be nice to her. Consider it a life lesson for her and for you BF. You get what you give and most people won't put up with your BS either. "If Mama ain't happy, nobody is happy but if step-mom ain't happy....watch out!"

hbell0428's picture

Submitted by hbell0428 on Mon, 09/19/2011 - 11:31am

I feel your pain........I have a SD14 - moved in w/ us FT 2 years ago. And yes, we are cordial - we are not close in any way shape or form. I have raised her since she was 2 and still haven't received any respct! A lot of that has to do with the mistakes DH made - he saw it a little too late. I struggle with this w/ her still......I wouldn't continue to bend over backwards but wouldn't swoop to a teenagers level either. Treat people how you want to be treated! It is as simple as that.....Tough age :?

notthebradybunch6's picture

Submitted by notthebradybunch6 on Fri, 09/23/2011 - 6:05pm

We have a blended family, I have two kids, he has two kids. There is only one step son that makes me crazy somedays. However, I have come to realize that 80% of our problems stem from how he was raised before I came on the scene 4 years ago. They have lived in the house that was originally mine for 3 years and my husband and I have been married for 2 years.

For my husband our family life and the way I expect to be treated mystifies him. I do not understand his issues since the way I want to be treated is exactly the way his mother and his ex-wife expect to be treated, but for some reason he can't make the connection that now that I am his wife I am number 1.

Anyway, the issue with the stepson I know are byproducts of ideas that have been fed to him by women outside of our home, namely my husbands mother and his ex-wife.

Last year it finally was revealed in therapy that my stepson believed all he needed to do was get rid of me and his life would go back to the way it was before his dad and mom got divorced (they were divorced for more than two years before I ever met him). His father had to explain to him that no matter what happened between him and I he was never moving back with my stepson's mom. ever. Honestly after that chat happened, things did get better as a whole, we have the occasional back slide, like right now when the school years starts and BM tries to convince a new set of teachers that she is June Cleaver (barf) but all in all we have reached a sort of middle ground for the time being.

That is not say life is perfect, and I am still waging the war to make this group of people into a family, but each year I gain a little ground. I try to take the high road (but I have been known to sling the occasional mud pie) and I do beleive by the time these kids are adults and experience the stress of marriage and family, they will know I will always be there to champion their cause.