I am new to this forum and I have received some counseling in the past to help me deal with this situation. I have an adult SS who is quite destructive and wants to come visit us. Before you jump to the conclusion that I am cold hearted, let me give you a little background information. I have a BD and two younger SS. The youngest SS still lives with us.

Prior to my DH and I getting together about 3 years ago, he told me that his oldest son had emotional issues. He had custody of his children from a previous marriage. I knew that my SS had been in counselling for 9+ years for issues surrounding his parents divorce and was on medication for depression. He had spoken to me about sending his BS to live with his EX because of the problems he was having with him and the fact that his EX interfered with his disciplining of his BS' bad behavior.

I also knew that the relationship between my DH and his EX was terrible. They quite literally hate each other. Further, his EX is awful. His EX has made multiple false allegations of child abuse against my DH (during that same 9+ year period) with corresponding summons to family court only to have the case dropped each time after he spent thousands on legal fees to defend himself. She tapes all phone conversations. Both my SS told me this during a casual conversation. Needless to say, I was floored. When confronted, EX's spouse admitted that they had been recording phone conversations for 10+ years. My DH and I no longer speak to her and handle all child sharing arrangements through the mail.

When we got married, my oldest SS behavior seemed to be okay. Gradually over time, he started refusing to take his medication. It took me awhile to realize that his refusal to take medication seemed to correspond with phone calls to his mother who called at first weekly, then biweekly, and then everyday. He began to act aggressive towards my youngest SS and his BF - verbally abusive and sometimes hitting and punching them. He ripped holes in his younger brother's clothing. During this period, my SS decides that he no longer wants to bathe, wash his hair, or brush his teeth and that we cannot require him to do this. He raids the refrigerator in the middle of the night and hides plates, tuna cans, and so on... in his closet. One day, I can home from work and found my SS in my bedroom sitting on my bed talking on his cell phone (turned on speakerphone) with his BM. His BM was advising him to "if you feel like you are being abused, call..." I immediately spoke out telling her that my SS had her on speakerphone.

About a week later, I was sent out of town on business unexpectedly. My DH was unemployed and at home supervising the children. While I was out of town, my mil came to visit during this time. Within 2 days of my being out of town, I get a frantic phone call from my DH. My SS has done something to the plumbing in the bathroom and water is squirting from behind the tiles into the bathroom. (I would not have believed it had I not seen the plumbing when I got home.) We live in a 1 bathroom house. I had my DH hook up my travel trailer so that they could at least bathe until I got home. The next day, I get another frantic phone call. My SS has torn up one of the water lines. I give him the phone number to my RV repairman so that he can come fix the problem. In a couple of days, I get another call. My SS has ripped a 2' by 3' hole in the sofa with his fingers. The total cost to repair all the damage done in the 2 weeks I was out of town was over $15,000.

When I got home from my business trip, I called a family meeting. I told both of my SSs that things had happened around the house that I was not particularly pleased with and that we were going to establish family rules based on mutual respect. Everything seemed to calm down for about two weeks until my oldest SS swore at his BF and then punched him several times in the face. My DH and I decided to send the oldest SS to his BM and keep the youngest SS with us. During their separation, the youngest has started to flourish, has much more self esteem, participating in sports for the first time in his life, and is doing extremely well in school.

Back to the problem, my oldest SS has fallen out with his BM and would like to come to visit us for an extended visit. I understand that this is my DH's son but I cannot afford either financially or mentally for him to destroy our home. The financial strain of being the only breadwinner, my husband becoming handicapped due to a hit and run driver, being handed a $15,000 repair bill I didn't budget for, the abusive behavior from my oldest SS, the badgering of my DH's EX contributed mental breakdown from stress. I am not sure what to do. I asked about meeting my SS somewhere halfway between us and him but my DH doesn't want my SS to feel he is unwelcome. Could someone please offer me some advise as I really don't know what to do?