DH mad because I started a college fund for BS and not for SS
DH and I have a mutual son together who's 3 months old. I started a college fund and have been putting $20 a pay into the account. Out of my paycheck. When I told DH about it he says "well what about SS" yeah? what about him? He says "well we can't pay for BS college and not SS"
I get it where he's torn but its not MY fault SS BM is a worthless piece of sh*t that only uses SS to get what she wants. I feel like everytime I do something for BS I'm made to feel bad because I didn't do it for SS. And let me explain the situation. To say I have a relationship with SS is exaggerating. It has been very clear to me that I can have no say on anything when it comes to SS whether if effects me or not by DH and BM. They decide together. Whatever. Its not a huge deal because we only see him every other weekend for less than 48hrs and then wednesdays from 10-2 and usually im not home. So 4 days a month and im a B*tch bc im not planning for his future? Really? Am I wrong?
How would she be wrong? It is
How would she be wrong? It is not her fault that her SS's mother and father (neither which are her) cared to start a college fun for him. She should not be made to feel guilty about it. If they wanted a fund for THEIR son then the DH and BM can each chip 10 bucks each time as well and get one started!!
If her paycheck is used as
If her paycheck is used as "family money," it's wrong. If they keep expenses totally separate and she pays half of everything, then she's not wrong.
It's really pretty simple. If you take family money, the FAMILY (which includes SS) should benefit. If you use only "your" money, then do whatever you want with it.
I wonder...if they have totally separate finances, why did OP even TELL DH that she is setting aside $40 a month for a colelge fund?
"I wonder...if they have
"I wonder...if they have totally separate finances, why did OP even TELL DH that she is setting aside $40 a month for a colelge fund?"
Because it's their kid together???? How hard is that to understand? I agree with what another poster said yesterday-you and SMOKIA follow each other around, and the crazy logic must be contagious, or you both get together and try to be purposely obtuse. I don't know why, it's not flattering.
I agree with Oi Vey. I put
I agree with Oi Vey. I put the shoe on the other foot. If my husband were taking money out of our family money for anything extra for HIS kids, unless it was mutually agreed upon, I would be beyond pissed. It really is the same logic.
It's not a matter of money. I
It's not a matter of money. I could care less if its "family money" "my money" or "his money" we're married and we share the expenses. He pays child support every month and has never been late once. If he chose to open an account and contribute monthly it wouldn't be a problem. it was the guilt trip I was fed as if I'm selfish because I didn't think of SS and open an account myself. Sorry if I didn't make my point clear. He asked what he should be doing about it and I said do what you want and he yelled at me and said that I should keep his child in mind too.
That changes things. Maybe he
That changes things. Maybe he is more upset by there not having been a discussion about college funds. If you had brought up the issue prior to setting aside money, that a college fund is important for kids, and how about you put some aside for your bio kid, and he and bm might want to do the same, or maybe he be the one to set aside a little each month for both of them, then it might not have been an issue.
I can see myself doing the same thing you did, so I am not trying to call you on it, or trying to make you feel bad. I am trying to see it from his point of view, where maybe he feels bad for not having thought of that, or not having been given the change to partake in an active way.
I think he does need to understand that you have a legitimate point, that you don't have the same drive toward both kids. I think you both have legitimate feelings toward this and accepting that, goes a ways toward fixing things.
Agree with Supermom - that's
Agree with Supermom - that's between DH and the ex. Not you. If he's so worried about it, tell him he can use $20 from each of his paychecks and put it in an account, just like you do.
If you have zero authority/say then why should you take the responsibility to set up a college fund and contribute to it?
I have the same thing -- I started my childrens' funds when they were born and I contribute monthly. My DH and his ex have done nothing of the sort for their children, and there is no stipulation in their CO about paying for college. CS is done and over at 18. Period.
So I guess if they want to exclude me from decision-making where the SK's are concerned (and they do), and not feel it appropriate for me to have any involvement then NO, not doing it.
**like**
**like**
While I definatly agree that
While I definatly agree that you don't have to nor should you start a college fund for ss that is up to some one else. I will say I am pretty sure at least in Massachusetts your DH will have to still pay for CS until 21 or college is over. Your DH should start a college fund and you could put money in for birthdays and holidays. I would not start one for him and I would make an agreement with your DH that he contribute equally to your son's account. Point out that the ss has two parents and so does your son if things have to be equal then that is a factor.
Can I get a WITNESS?? All
Can I get a WITNESS?? All those states that pay CS to 21 (and beyond) SUCK!!!
I say skids voting rights and/or alcohol rights should be rescinded during that 18-21 year old period that mommykins is still getting the CS.
You're not wrong. SS has a
You're not wrong.
SS has a BM who needs to be contributing. Is your DH contributing to your BS's fund? No?? Fancy that. If he wants SS to have a college fund, he needs to get off his lazy ass and start one himself. It is not YOUR responsibility.
SD15 has no college fund. BM claims she has one, but it's only up to one semester of a JUCO, which is a couple hundred bucks. DH hasn't started one. (because he doesn't think about that sort of thing)
BM believes that SD15 will get a TOPS award (state of Louisiana has a full ride scholarship thingy, first come, first serve) and she may well, but she won't maintain it. With BM's iron-tight control, SD15 will LOSE IT the first time she's out from under BM's thumb and will flunk out, I guarantee.
If BM were really concerned about paying for college, she needs to start kissing MY ass. I'm the only one of the four parents who has any clue about being frugal and living within means.
What's keeping dad from
What's keeping dad from opening a fund for his son?
Well put "These daddies who
Well put "These daddies who want one big happy family are stupid about things like this"
Chances are if he's a guilty daddy and his BM is a pathetic PASinator, SS is going to end up in jail anyway where free edu-ma-kation abounds!
No, you're not wrong to start
No, you're not wrong to start a college fund for your child and not SS. If SS's parents are truly concerned about college funds, they would have already started one for him.
Tell DH - SS has a mom & dad
Tell DH - SS has a mom & dad to do that for him
I don't think you should feel
I don't think you should feel bad, or made to feel bad. As long as you have no problem with Dh, also setting aside a college fund for his other child.
LOL Looks like I missed
LOL Looks like I missed something? I agree though if they make it very clear that you have NO say what so ever what makes him think you should PAY for HIS son to go to school. What makes him think you should PAY for someone elses child to go to school?
Ask him that question, ask him if he would pay for someone elses child that is not his and he has NO say on how that child is raised or anything b/c that child has 2 parents and you are not it pay for their school?
I never one time asked my dh to help with my dd's school ever! I am funding everything she needs beyond her scholarships. I just took her food and things she needs for her dorm today. I spent about $100 today for that. My dh never gave it a second thought as to who would pay. I will not be expected to pay for skids either when their time comes.
Your dh has some nerve someone needs to slap a frying pan upside his head! He needs some common sense explained to him asap!
I just asked my dh this
I just asked my dh this question about if I had no kids and we had 1 together and he has his kids from bm, would he be mad at me for starting a college fund for our kid. He said and I quote "That is not your responsibility". Go dh!!!
"I'll be glad to send the
"I'll be glad to send the brochure from the bank to bm so she knows how to start one. it'd be a good idea for you guys to do this too for skid."
lol. no way should you be doing it.
"I'll be glad to send the
"I'll be glad to send the brochure from the bank to bm so she knows how to start one. it'd be a good idea for you guys to do this too for skid."
lol. no way should you be doing it.
"well what about SS" yeah?
"well what about SS" yeah? what about him? He says "well we can't pay for BS college and not SS"
Response: You're right. You should go start something for SS then.
That is the end of it. He somehow turned it around on you when all you are doing is planning for your BS.
I know another poster
I know another poster mentioned this but I think it is worth repeating. SS has 2 parents which is dh and bm, your son also has 2 parents you and dh. If he wants things fair he and bm should start a fund for ss then you and dh should start a fund for bs. that would make him putting money in BOTH accounts!!! Fair is fair right??? }:)
DH and I just started a
DH and I just started a college fund for both SD and our BD. But I didn't agree to the college fund for SD because I'm a wonderful and loving SM. If SD decides to go to college, then under Canadian family law, DH is obligated to continue paying child support AND pay part of her college expenses until she gets her 1st degree. Saving for it now is my way of ensuring my own biological kids aren't negatively impacted by the extra cost of SD's tuition.
wow. thats crazy! when i was
wow. thats crazy!
when i was prego i told my H that i planned to open an account for our BD. He said oh, I should do that for SS. I responded yeah... you want to get into my credit union since the interest rates are higher? H said yeah, sure.
It's now about 2 years later, my daughter has an account that I can put money into as easily as one moves money from checking to savings from my account. SS has nothing. And my H? he doesnt have the routing or account number for BDs account, but does have the information for our "family" savings account.
Like all posters put: if he wants to start an account- you can show him the way.
If its family money: kids' college needs to be added as a monthly expense is all.
If his split accounts: you deposit for yours, he can deposit for his (both or one- whatever he feels most comfortable with)