Instantfamily - I need to create a blog for all of the details... but here is a pretty good summary of my situation... sometimes I can handle it well, and other times I literally feel like I cannot stand another minute. Thanks for talking... I appreciate this site more and more every time I log on... I just wish that my husband was my outlet...

1. Me and DH being on the same page with rules. Yes, he fully understands where I am coming from and agrees that discipline should be taken seriously and taught to all children. Now don't get me wrong, my feelings sometimes as a stepmother, I can get out of line when arguing with DH about SS. Even when I know that I am overboard or wrong, for some reason I feel the need to push harder... I feel like that comes from the fact that I am so over this stepfamily life that I live being SO disorganized and overwhelming... It is like I get to the point where I just want out and so I say things spitefully and hurt DH's feelings. I hate HATE HATE that about myself.

2. How does DH react to MIL coddling?? Well... sometimes he adresses the situation and other times he does not. That gets under my skin so badly because I feel that 100% consistency 100% of the time is crucial to curing so many issues. I end up complaining to DH sooooooo often over MIL and how she handles SS and his behavior. She puts him in the pity category where she feels the need to over-do it with him and just do nothing but coddle him and show him 100% of her attention even when his sister is roaming around requiring supervision (she is a baby for goodness sakes!! LOL). I feel like she resents me for trying hard to improve his behavior and help him grow up. In my house, I am the bad cop.. DH is the good cop... This is how it is with both children and it will be with daughter 2 when she comes. Trust me, I do NOT expect perfect kids but I DO expect to have GOOD kids... Not having SS a lot is hard too b/c then everything fun that we do with our daughter when he is not with us ends up being criticized as if we planned to intentionally not include him. I HATE that!! We cannot just lay around at home and only do fun family things in the little time that we have SS here. That is not fair to our daughter.

3. BM does have SS majority of the time... and yes, she does undo what we accomplish. She even goes as far as to tell him that his last name is the same as his SD and not his BF!!!! My husband and I have recently dished out a large amount of $$ to attack this in court as it is REALLLLLLY going to mess him up mentally being told two different things by the two that matter the most - MOMMY AND DADDY!! It breaks my heart that BM puts her own nasty feelings before SS. If she put his feelings first, she would not keep him from us and bad mouth us. Oh, she also reminds him constantly to tell ME when he gets into trouble that "I am not his mother!!!". Really, trust me I know... If I were your mother, you would have friends and be respectful to others!!!!! Sad

4. I LOVE the idea of the reward chart focusing on behavior and chores! That is brilliant!! I have brought the idea to DH's attention in the past, as it was referred to me by a friend. I got laughed at by DH as if the idea was insufficient and pointless. Also, I am concerend that the chart would not be completed consistently. Knowing my SS very well (I think), I really believe that this would help him tremendously!! Personally, my goals with children are to reward positive actions and behavior and to discipline or correct negative behavior and actions. Anyway, back to the chart - I think that being able to show him his progress and areas needing improvement on a daily basis would better help him understand our expectations as well as show him that we DO pay VERY close attention to him. With that being said, I want this to work. I want to be happy. I want ALL of us to be happy. If necessary, I will maintain the chart on my own bc I truly believe it will make a large positive impact on him and his issues.

5. Quality time - I agree it is very important. However, in SS case, he demands everyone watch him and what he is playing with or doing at all times... if that does not happen he either pouts/whines OR does something terrible to "make us see" that we need to watch him non-stop... I do not mean watch him like he is in the same house but playing in the other room, I mean watch him like he will go wacko if you do not see everything he does. We are always all together in the same room (minus bathroom and bedroom) at the same time. We have never been the types to go sending kids off to wherever to play and we'll check in later... (Except time outs that are spent in bed). Is this behavior ok for him? Should he have the right to expect that we stare him down constantly?? I am thinking that since he is not an only child, he should be sharing the stage... :/

6. "well-meaning adults" - I agree that those insane people that coddle and smother children constantly are hurting those kids by not allowing them to develop strength and independence skills... With the exception of painful injuries, I feel that children should be welcomed into learning how to handle things on their own before running to parents for comfort. I hope I said that right...

7. SS being confused of his role in family - ohhhh yes 100% agreed. This boy went from only child with mommy and daddy only to being Big brother to a baby sister AND a baby brother (BM has a baby also) , stepchild to a new stepdad and stepmom.... That is A LOT TO MANAGE in my brain let alone the brain and heart of a young boy. This is where I am the most sympathetic... I want him to understand and know that none of those things happend bc of him... Nobody was trying to replace him or push him away or steal his spotlight... I also think that this is where his anger towards his sister and his selfishness comes from. I think that he feels like now there are so many other spotlights other than him ,that he has to hang on to HIS toys and attention for dear life bc those are the only things at this point that are 100% his... he has to share his mom with new baby brother and new stepdad... and then he comes to our home and has to share his dad with a new baby sister (and another baby sister in a month) and a new stepmom... Does that make sense?

Okkkkkkkkk... that answers all of the replies I wanted to cover from your advice. What I still want/need to know is am I ever going to be able to have a healthy and successful relationship with SS? Will I ever get thru to MIL and make her see that she makes matters worse? I get that she is gramma and grandparents spoil... but not to the extent that she does. She has serious conversations with him about his personal home life with BM and SD. I feel like that is something that should only be shared with BF and maybe me... but allowing him to run back and forth between 2 homes and tell stories of he did this, she said that, I got into trouble for this, I dont have to do that when I am there... that sort of problem is just unacceptable. MIL plays into it tho and makes it worse.. she instigates and makes him more resentful of immediate family by getting into these topics with him.

What did I miss?? Am I leaving out any information?? HELP ME PLEASE!! I love my family and want everyone to be happy, but I am seeing a psychiatrist, reading stepmonster and now blogging on here bc I am to the point where I am ready to say forget all of this B.S.!! and just leave... but then my daughters would be put in the stepparenting drama... omg ... HELP!!!! :/
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GirlAnnoyed