Hello,
This is my first post to this forum so I guess I'll try to take it from the top:

I am the biological father of a 7-year old daughter who has spent a lot of time living with me one-on-one. I have identified emotional deficits from my own childhood that cause me to create an idol (in the biblical sense) of she and I's relationship. I know this is unhealthy because she get's treated like my little buddy as much as (or perhaps more than) a child. It's a hard trap NOT to fall into when she's the only other person with whom I live, run errands, etc, etc. However, this has created a circumstance where she, at times, gets treated like a miniature adult rather than a kid. Because my mother essentially abandoned me when I was her age, I have a huge amount of anxiety about creating similar feelings in my daughter.

She now spends much of her time with her bio mom but came to visit my fiancee and I for the summer. My fiancee is extremely gracious and caring toward my daughter and has made huge efforts to make our blended family situation work. Unfortunately, because my relationship with my daughter is so sacred to me (even to an unhealthy degree,) I struggle with putting my fiancee in her proper place when my daughter is around or when there are issues that arise concerning her. I can have a tendency to protect myself emotionally (and therefore protect my relationship with my daughter) rather than look out for the emotional needs of the my fiancee and/or the family unit as a whole. Naturally, this emboldens my daughter which causes her to compete with my fiancee for attention. Because I don't have a clear concept of healthy, appropriate family roles, I have, on multiple occasions, left my fiancee's emotional needs unconsidered, unprotected and generally left her feeling like a low priority in my life and in my heart. That is not the case - she is the most wonderful, quality person I have ever known and I strongly desire to make her number 1 in every healthy, appropriate way - but my actions have made HER feel emotionally abandoned. I know that she can be completely trusted to consider my emotional needs and those of my daughter, but I still have difficulty in letting down my barriers and changing my behavior - which, again, I suspect is largely due to the sacredness of my relationship with my daughter.

I wasn't aware of a much of this prior to my daughter's visit this summer but now, after a summer of feeling like our adult relationship has essentially dropped to zero, my fiancee is ready to throw in the towel. I genuinely desire to normalize my relationships with both my fiancee and my daughter, but I know I need more tools to do so.

I have an appointment with a counselor for next Friday but I would absolutely love any feedback or suggestions you may have.

Thanks in advance!

T2G