My BF had dinner with his ex.
I'm pretty easy going and generally a nice open minded woman. But I am also strong, independent and know what I deserve.
So, My BF was dropping off the children to his ex. She lives 5 hours away and he has custody. They meet half way. It was around dinner time and he suggested they all go out to dinner. Yes dinner. This hurt my feelings. I just don't like the fact of my BF (of almost 3 years) be out to dinner with another woman. He has been separated/divorced from this woman for 4 years. And he says to me that he just wants his children to see they can get along. WHAT!?!? Those two wonderful children have been seeing you "get along" for the past 4 years!! Dinner is not necessary. So I started riding with them and now BM has stated her dislike for this by saying the children don't want that.
The BM does not like me. She chose to move away from her children. Her record as a mother is terribly flawed (addiction, abandonment etc.) So now she feels that I am trying to take them away from her. All I want is to be their friend and they love me. But, when she is around, they won't look at me, speak to me or aknowledge me at all.
She has no boundaries when it comes to OUR family unit and when she is around everyone ignores me. Including my BF. I know it's not his intention to make me feel like an outsider and unwelcome or even better insignificant.
Am I crazy for being so upset about the dinner? She wants him back and this I know. He did everything and now she has to pay her own bills and actually work.
I would be pissed about the
I would be pissed about the dinner - unless you married (and I would still be pissed if my DH did that with his ex) I feel it gives the skids some hope that their parents may get back together and you can be damn sure I would be in that car every time they go to see their mother - especially if she does not like it - something smells in that action. You need to set boundaries and your BF needs to back you up 100%.
Run now, run hard and run
Run now, run hard and run fast. Your BF can show that he "cooperates" and is "civil" to the BM "for the sake of the children" by following the CO to the letter, NOT by having family dinners with the BM! This sets the children up for disappointment when they think that the BM and biodad will get back together again and drop you like a hot potato.
Your problem is not necessarily the BM; it's your BF giving in to her. Believe me, most BMs will push the envelope to see what they can get away with. The more your BF placates her the worse it will get as it will further embolden her to break even more boundaries.
If your BF is not willing to make boundaries for the BM, RUN!!! Run hard, run fast and run the heck out of that setup for failure!! Find yourself a nice childless man!!
If he wanted to show his kids
If he wanted to show his kids he can get along with their mother, he should've stayed married to her. Sick and tired of these divorced dads and mothers playing such a bs game with everyone but their own darn feelings, or their kids feelings...it's only the smoms and sdads whose feelings can get hurt.
Sounds like my BF for the
Sounds like my BF for the last 3 1/2 years!!!!
We have talked about boundaries, my lack of tolerance for this & gone to counseling for 1 1/2 years. We have also been living together for almost 3 years. This is all about the BF not setting boundaries & enabling these behaviors. I even tried to understand him being in the middle and what not. They still played family for the "sake of the kids". BM has had a BF for the same length of time and also living together. My BM doesn't want BF back, but was insecure in regards to me.
In the middle of April my BF had dinner with BM & the skids after a sport event. SD12 asked BF if the BM could have dinner with him & the skids & my BF said YES!!!!! Why - because he couldn't tell SD12 no, he wanted to the kids to see how well they all still get along, etc. I had explained this was a controlled environment - meaning BF could say no where as being at a game while I am not present is uncontrolled - both parents are obviously going to be there.
These are your BF's choices. After thinking long and hard I had come to the conclusion that this is just how BF is & who he is. The next step - I need to accept it or move on and I am choosing to move on because we have different views & this is not going to work for me. They have been divorced over 6 years and BF is still worried about how the divorce is affecting the skids ......
I'm so glad I found this
I'm so glad I found this forum. I'm glad I'm not crazy and my thoughts and feelings are being validated. Getting along for the children is a no brainer but, I truly believe that the relationship between exes should be like a business partnership. My BF's children have never seen a loving "normal" relationship. They have only seen 2 adults cohabitate in the same house. They are confused to why they got divorced in the first place. The only new factor added to the equation is ME... yes, satan her self. I am the devil woman who has turned their life upside down. This is why their relationship has to be like business partners. Not friends. He doesn't need to discuss how her day was. What's going on in each other's lives.
He is finally seeing that dinner was wrong. All children dream of their parents getting back together so this has them all confussed.
He has set boundaries with her and will have my back. I have to give him the opportunity to prove himself. I just need things to move forward. Slowly but forward. We get to a good place, like feeling like a family, one unit and happy then here she comes with a comment to make him feel guilty that he is not giving enough attention to the children. He's an amazing father!! More attention then a child could need or even want. Hell!! She was so needy and attention seeking that she became a drug addict when they were married and jealous of her own children!!
She totally drives me crazy but, I can't control her actions I can only control my reaction to her.
Oh hell no..and I repeat HELL
Oh hell no..and I repeat HELL NO...what is wrong with this man?? OMG that is so wrong on so many levels that I'm at a loss for words. He is with you period and I dont care if this woman begs him to chat or have dinner or whatever..it's a great big NO...
He needs to respect you and have your back at all times...So hopefully he lost his mind for a few minutes and now he's all yours and will not have much of anything to do with this woman..expect for things about his kids and that's it...
Listen I swear some BM's are put on this earth to make our lives miserable...but I will not let my SD's BM do that to me...
cheers...Z
The BF is really sending
The BF is really sending mixed signals to the kids. They like it that the BM and BF are together because they are "family". They are together again like story book. Those kids have hope that the parents will get back together and they'll all live together and be happy.
WHen you are there, you interupt that and break their hearts and dash their hopes. Now, since BF did that, those children will always hold that against you that you and feel that you came in between "their family".
You're in a very bad situation. It's terrible that he did that, so unfair to you and the kids. It's unfair to the BM if she's hoping to get back with him. Again...he's sent mixed signals and I fear it's to late. Damage has already been done and I don't think anything is going to change what those kids feel about you.
Bad bad decision on his part. I'm sure he meant well, he just didn't know the consequences of thinking like he did.
You think long and hard about this situation. When BM is around and everyone ignores you, that is cruel. It is rude and it's always going to be that way. If I were you, I'd leave. Trust me, although BF was split up with BM, even though you weren't the cause of thier split, just the fact that he's done things with the kids and BM while seeing you, they will hold it against you thinking if you weren't there, BF would marry BM. And nothing BF says to those kids will ever change their mind. For graduations, weddings, birthdays, and event througout those kids lives, they will always not want you to attend and always feel that you were the one the kept them from being a family. Just the way kids think.
Sorry, I'm telling you as it is, and it's not worth being involved in.
I'll be the dissenting voice
I'll be the dissenting voice - again. I am very happily partnered and my ex and I have some kids. things have been rocky with my ex for a while, but after putting a parenting plan into place and seeing the damage it did to our kids we have sorted a lot of things out. I hate his guts, but it is still very important to me that the kids have a good relationship with him, and if they work out that he is an idiot when they get older, fine. I no longer make excuses for him, bake him out emotionally or sort out issues with the kids. But my kids only need to know that its okay they love their dad.
We ahve started having a coffee together when we have handover. We did this the first time because i had school reports, and it was actually very good to discuss this as two parents together, in front of the kids. Then I went home to my partner and had a gorgeous night without kids, and it was very romantic too. he is not so insecure to ever believe that my ex is a threat.
when I picked up my kids they were happier and calmer than they had been for a long time, and even started to have a whinge about him, knowing that if they did so, I would just nod my head and say "uh huh" instead of jumping on the phone and screaming at him and causing them all sorts of stress and guilt.
My kids adore my partner. sometimes they ignore him because they are unsure what to do and when that happens I tell them not to be rude, they apologise and we all move on.