Bitterly Disappointed
I have come to the conclusion that you don't start out hating it. In fact you start out with the best of intentions. But gradually over time, the lack of spousal support, incessant disrespect & blatant disregard for us as individuals.... wears you down. In the end you're put in a position of conflict (which is constant where skids are concerned), resentment, irritation, questioning & yes, anger.
It's sad... as someone else said, I'm not an angry person & I dislike conflict & I definitely don't hate anyone. But I am currently lying next to a man who is ignoring me because I had the audacity to tell him how it is last night. Picture the scene...skids arrive at 4pm via paternal Grandparents who'd been babysitting for them. There's a lot of hoohah & hullaballoo until they go to bed at 9pm (they're 7 & 10). H & I go downstairs for a late supper. Okay before we go, I close my study door. I know skids aren't long in bed & my laptop is still on. So I close the door so it's shut tight. This is a door that kinda sticks so you have to shut it properly. So I do. 2 hrs later we come upstairs & the door is open..?! I know that neither he or I have been upstairs in the intervening 2 hours.
So I say to H in a blithe manner "tell the skids to stay out of there when I'm not in there". He retorts "they haven't been in there!" I'm so gobsmacked I could hardly speak. So I say "excuse me are you serious..?" then ensues a row about how the precious kids couldn't have been in there because he'd have heard them (he can't hear jack because he's has an ear infection). So he went to sleep last night insistent that I was wrong & either the door wasn't open (it was) or it just plain wasn't the kids. So when I ask him to put it logically & say "how did the door open itself?" he says "I have no idea but it wasn't the kids". So I explain how a basic disregard for me & my privacy in my home us unacceptable - so he tells me it's one too many times I call this MY home (Erm that's cos it is my home & was well before he ever came into my life!!) So I also explain how I'm alienated for even raising reasonable issues. I also point out this is EXACTLY why "wicked stepmom" gets seen like that. It's totally unfair. His response "fine keep the effin door locked".
Have to say... had my eyes well & truly opened to his REAL feelings last night. I didn't think he'd become like all the regular ST Disney Dads here. He says he'd have called the kids on it if he thought it was them! So But well looks like I was wrong. Clearly im a wicked harridan & we have a Ghost. Realised last night that my marriage of 10 months is doomed.
I am sorry. I think many of
I am sorry. I think many of us realize it once we have been living together for a while or married for a while...but we keep hoping that things can get better...after 12yrs I can say it does NOT get better. I wish I still had a job because I would be out of here. If I didn't have a child with this ahole I would have left even without a job...but right now, I need a job to help my son cause I don't want a freaking thing from this ahole...
So, if you have no kids, have YOUR own home and a job, I say, get rid of him and his pathetic baggage!
In retrospect I think I would
In retrospect I think I would have asked the kids, in front of him, what it was they needed from my study and can I help in some way? Softly softly catchee monkey!! I really do understand defending bios, ours are a total nightmare and still DH will defend them. It's infuriating at times!
I do make a point of being fair. It's not too late, ghost, it's never too late! Herewegoagain, I hear you too, it takes a long time for the wool to be removed from the eyes.
I disengaged and let DH see the kids' behaviors for himself and he SAW!!
One thing I do agree with DH on is that you cannot control other people, only yourself. There are consequences for ours if they disrespect us, basically they do NOT get what they want! When they want something we turn it back around on them, like, 'did you do what I asked of you?'
DH is finally seeing things and is turning it around some, I remind them when they start bitching about their dad that they are older now and can take more responsibility for themselves. They get it, albeit lately.
I was disrespected, lied to, stolen from, verbally abused by those kids and to top it all blindsided by DH's lack of consideration or inclination to correct them. I became the evil step mom and it caused huge fights...in retrospect the kids enjoyed that! This went on for almost a year! Our girl fell foul of the juvenile justice system and that's when counseling was court ordered. The justice system very quickly realized what was going on, what the pre determining factors were and did evaluations on all of us. Our girl is in a secure facility now!
I took counsel from a very wise lady, that's when I disengaged, stopped with allowing my buttons to be pushed and did not dignify their outbursts. Askng someone to repeat something nasty they said works! The mistake I made was asking DH, or the kids, to just listen to themselves. If they are obliged to say it again then they hear it better, otherwise it's deny, deny, deny!
Kids grow up regardless!
I spend my time enjoying my relatinship with DH and I have friends, hobbies and interests that I pursue on my own too.
DH is right about one other thing too, do NOT dwell on negative stuff. I forgive but I do NOT forget, I believe that if I just let stuff go too quickly then I open myself up for more BS to come my way. I just let them take a consequence, I let them know I disagree with their choice and let them learn the hard way. I was so blessed with my bio kids that they chose mostly to listen to me!
It's a long road ahead still but there's enough love to keep the wheels turning on our journey to 'semi retirement' and the kids all going to college!
There's one more kid to go and we are DONE taking any responsibility for ANY of them!
Update: I have kicked him
Update: I have kicked him out.
I left the house at 8am this morning and froze my ass off at a local park. It's summer here but it's cold in the mornings. He left the house with skids at 10am. Yes you saw that right. I left my house because I felt uncomfortable. So when he went out with skids, I went back. They came back at 3pm even though I had asked him to take them to their Mother's or his Mother's. He ignored me. So I had to deal with them & him this afternoon. When they came back at 3pm, I shut myself in my study. Today I wrote him an email, telling chapter & verse how I felt. This evening, he comes to the study & says "I want you to know I read it, I can probably agree with some things but not others". So I pointed out I had said all I wanted to say & he said he couldn't discuss it with me now because the children are here. So I pointed out to him that during last nights argument, I had asked him to take the children elsewhere because I seem to be the only one of us putting the marriage first. I explained if our marriage doesn't come first, then nothing else does. When he said he couldn't discuss it now I turned to him (I was at the PC) and said "yes, I know... yet again your kids come first even though our marriage in on the line". He didn't say anything but said he was taking the kids to his Mother's - so I asked did she know. He said yes at first, then backtracked later (lying most likely). So now my Mother & Father-in-Law will have altered perception of me where before they didn't. He could have said I was sick or something. He didn't. He chose to put on the family battle armour against me... all for two kids who don't even respect him. Fine. So I asked again about her knowing & he said yes, but not the details. So I told him to get his stuff & go.
I'm a bit of a wreck at the moment, but I guess I'll get over it. I've been through much worse in life than this.
Hey Ghost, just wanted to
Hey Ghost, just wanted to offer this nugget of info for you. My DH and I went through this very same thing back in 2006 just weeks after our BD (now 5) was born. I ended up telling him he needed to leave if he wasn't willing to put our relationship first because up to that point it came behind his mother, his daughter, and his ex-wife. Needless to say, he did leave and I had to go-it-alone for two years, until he pulled his head from his ass. I guess in that time he was able to realize what he wanted and we were able to work things out and have been married for 3 years now. It was really tough going through it all but in the end it certainly helped strengthen our relationship now. We still have our moments and definitely still have problems with BM and SD8 but at the end of the day I know that our marriage and family comes first.
Maybe with the absence from you DH will come to the same conclusion and you guys will be able to work things out.
giveitago: I could have done
giveitago: I could have done that with the kids - but the problem was, we had been downstairs for two hours. By the time we came upstairs to go to bed, the kids were supposedly asleep. But there have been several instances where I have had to pull one of them up over something and then ensues an issue where H thought I was being picky or it was me rather than them.
StepAside: I have had to deal with a lot of bullshit from H's ex and this situation with the kids. The problem I have about stepping in, is that I have totally disengaged now (understatement) and so I don't really want to step in when something is going on. I'm just fed up because when I do raise an issue it always seems to be my fault for raising it - almost like I shouldn't in his eyes. I'm tired of it.
kalmolil: Thank you for your thoughts. I would like to think that we will get through it. But I don't really have any hope for that now. He txt me last night to ask could he come over. I said no because I didn't want to deal with him. Maybe I was being stubborn but I had reached the end of my rope yesterday and I don't really feel in any place to deal with him right now. Since I said no, he has not contacted me. He has texted this morning to ask if he could come pick some stuff up. I have said he can come when I am at work tomorrow. I have not heard from him since. He hasn't asked to work things out, he hasn't called or text for anything since. He is with his family and his kids, I'm here alone. He's kinda made it clear that he'll be okay.