You are here

For those with daughters in puberty...

OptimisticMe's picture

Submitted by OptimisticMe on Wed, 04/27/2011 - 1:29pm

Forums: 
General Discussion

My 11 yr old SD has started her period. We have a brief "talk" every few months and at the last one I told her she needed to tell me when her period starts so I can teach her how to care for herself. I found stained panties and she said she had diarrhea. I found stained panties again and there was no mistaking it...she started. I asked why she didn't tell me and she may not have known it was her period. I showed her how to use pads and discussed getting her junior tampons as she is on a swimming team. Tried talking to her via text (since she seems embarrassed) to see if she wanted me to get her tampons and she never responded. Last night I found that SD washed a load of stained panties...she is going to that extreme to keep it a secret from me (she never does her own laundry)! I am hurt! She is also not using any pads...good thing her period is light so far. I have been "mom" 24/7 since her bio mom abandoned her 7 years ago. I am really hurt that I am "mom" but yet these things I consider to be "mom" things I am not allowed to participate in. I feel like she is shutting me out.

Has anyone had a similar experience? Is this normal? What do I do? She can't go without pads or panty liners forever. She is swimming without using tampons. I guess that is ok as long as her period is light but it is a little disturbing. Do I buy her some pads to keep in her room and accept that she doesn't want to talk about it at all? How do I teach her how to use tampons without hurting herself if she won't talk to me about it?

RaeRae's picture

Submitted by RaeRae on Wed, 04/27/2011 - 1:44pm

Sweetie, I hid my period from my stepmom, mom, sister, favorite cousins (we are a close family) for about a year and a half. I was embarrassed with the idea of growing up I guess, I don't really know and couldn't tell you. I didn't want anyone to see or know that I was 'becoming a woman'. It was a very embarrassing time for me.

My own daughter didn't come out and tell me. I had 'the talk' with her, but she never wanted to discuss anything. Luckily, they had a class in school about it, too. I let her talk to me at her own pace, and just made sure there were pads under the sink at all times.

My stepdaughter was a little later than my daughter, and I wasn't yet married to my husband, but I had to have the talk with her as well, as her mother was unavailable to do so. She, too, didn't want to talk about things too much, but like I said, pads are always stocked under the sink.

Now, the girls are both 13 and STILL don't want to say much. But they've come up with their own way of telling me they are running low on pads. They say 'RaeRae, I can't swim!'

forestfairy's picture

Submitted by forestfairy on Wed, 04/27/2011 - 1:44pm

I'm sure she's just embarassed. I remember not wanting to talk to my mom about my period either. I would just tell her that she is going to end up getting really embarassed at school if she isn't using pads because she will eventually bleed through her clothes.

I would also just buy her a box of small tampons with plastic applicators, and tell her to practice trying to use them at home for awhile. I was terrified of tampons at first and it took me probably a year before I would even try them, then of course after I did the pads became a thing of the past. Give her some time, but tell her she has no choice but to start wearing something.

purpledaisies's picture

Submitted by purpledaisies on Wed, 04/27/2011 - 1:53pm

I wouldn't be hurt she just may be a very private person and may not know what really to do. It is very confusing time anyway. Plus she knows your are her step mom and she may love you like a mom but the reality is that you are not her BM. She is struggling in her own way. Just keep encouraging her to talk to you. She will eventually given how young she is that might be the most important fact.

OptimisticMe's picture

Submitted by OptimisticMe on Wed, 04/27/2011 - 2:00pm

Thanks, ladies...I feel better now! I guess I shouldn't take it personally, she might just be a private person. I am thinking about taking her out for a special celebration dinner just the two of us...hopefully that won't embarrass her too much!

alwaysanxious's picture

Submitted by alwaysanxious on Wed, 04/27/2011 - 3:05pm

No i wouldn't take any of it personally. I bet she is just really embarrassed and maybe feeling a little like she doesn't want this part of being female. It takes time to get used to it.

GoodbyeNormaJean's picture

Submitted by GoodbyeNormaJean on Wed, 04/27/2011 - 2:05pm

Also, 11 is on the young end of the spectrum to start, so she might be pretty embarrassed because none of her girlfriends or peers have really started yet.

I was the last one on the planet to get my period at 14, and I was STILL mortified, and the female side of my family had been very open with me about it. But I was a late bloomer and it was scary. I had a friend who had started much earlier, around your SD's age, and I remember her always being super shy and embarrased about it. I doubt it's personal or against you, I think she's just freaked out by it.

kalmolil's picture

Submitted by kalmolil on Wed, 04/27/2011 - 2:23pm

My BD13 started at 10. She did the same thing...didn't want to talk about it or let anyone know about it. In fact, I had already "talked" to her about it and had stuff in the house just for her, but she still tried to "hide" it. It's just a normal response for some girls - I know I was mortified by my first period (@13) and honestly I didn't even realize that's what it was. My BROTHER was the one who discovered it while we were sorting laundry - imagine the embarrassment! I wouldn't take this personally at all and if you're concerned with her not using anything, maybe a gentle reminder when you're putting up her laundry that there are "products" for her to use in the bathroom will be enough.

To THIS day, my BD13 will NOT ask for feminine products, rather, she tells me "mom, you're running low on pads" -- even though we use completely different products! She just knows they'll magically appear under her sink when she mentions that.