1 foot out the door, 1 foot in padded room
Sorry this is going to be a jumbled mess but here's my story...
I sat by for years watching my wife let SS12 do basically whatever he wants but telling her she needed to do something before teenage years and it gets worse. Only time I was involved in the beginning was when she asked for my help. Years later, guess who has to deal with it all? ME! Wife works nights so I'm home with SS12 and our 3 daughters (7, 5, and 2). So at first, theres always the fear factor but kids like to push buttons to see how far they can get. Well, SS12 has pushed them all just about and mom stands by and watches. Its not just with him either. She does it with our girls too and now they're even starting not to listen to me. I still have a little control over them as they hate timeouts but not SS. Everytime he gets punished for something it lasts that day and my wife just lets him do whatever the next day, go to his friends, have his tv, itouch, whatever back that I just took away the night before. Its gotten to the point where he says NO when asked or told to do anything, doesn't go to his room when told to go there, calls me a loser, says he hates me, doesn't have to listen to me, even says stupid stuff about MY parents, hops out his window, and runs to grandmas house down the street where hes babied and told its my fault and he doesn't have to listen to me. When I ask my wife to handle him, she tells me she doesn't want to get in the middle of us. She doesn't until later on to yell at me. Wonder why this happens all the time now. I have to take him to his room when he won't go cause i'm tired of dealing with it. He's 5'6 and weighs 160lbs already. I'm 6'1 and weigh the same if you can imagine how easy it is to put him there while he kicks, hits, throws and breaks stuff, everything else on the way. Because of this, when the stuff happens, it gets bad now. Seems as no matter how hard i try to ignore it, I always get drawn into a yelling match. We've had the police called to the house twice. Now he says hes going to call the cops and tell them I hit him and have me arrested. Everytime its all my fault. If i would have just let him get his way, none of it would have happened. I got to the point where I don't do anything when hes acting up and don't get involved unless he brings me into it and won't quit saying stuff or makes one or all of the girls cry. Its like he likes to see how many times he can make them cry. My wife has even said it.
Then today...
I had all my clothes packed and was going to leave. He wouldn't quit running his mouth, wouldn't go to his room, the whole 9 stated above, and I had to put him in his room. He kept coming out and wouldn't shut up. Tearing stuff off his walls, throwing stuff, slammed the door a bunch. My girls begged me to stay. They were crying, asking why I had to leave, and begging me not to. It sucks that they have to see all of this. I'm starting to feel like they're the only reason I'm still here and thats not good either. I ask wife to handle it with same response that she doesn't want to get in the middle. Then towards the end jumps in to yell at me. He ends up leaving and going to grandmas again. He came back at 9 and went to bed. GUARANTEED, he'll get to go to his friends tomorrow but whatever.
Besides the issues with him...
I'm the only one who does anything around the house anymore. I cook, clean, do laundry, everything. My wife doesn't lift a finger to do anything. I quit arguing about that a long time ago cause it didn't help any and nothing good came of it. I learned that nothings going to get done around here unless I do it. Our marriage is going down the crapper. We're back to arguing all the time again but instead of it being about stuff around the house, its about SS. I don't remember the last argument we had that wasn't about him.
So now...
Everyones telling me to get out before i end up in jail, that I deserve better, etc but I can't leave my girls. We live in Texas and my wife has all her family here but all mine are back in Illinois. I have nothing here but them so if I leave, my only option is to go back to Illinois. I can't afford to support them and myself seperately. My thinking is, is it better to stay and be miserable but put up with this crap which is bad for everyone or leave and be 20 hours away so they basically don't have a father in their every day life? I don't know what to do anymore. I'm in kind of an awe state. What would you do If you were in my shoes?
Your situation is not easy,
Your situation is not easy, and it's unfortunate that you and your wife cannot work together on a solution. Since it sounds like you're pretty stuck where you are, and what you are doing isn't working, maybe it's time to consider turning things upside down.
There's a book I recommend you get - even better if you and your wife read it together. It's called Parenting With Love and Logic by Cline & Fay. It will give you some discipline tools that don't resort to yelling or getting physical. In fact, their method takes all of the negative emotion out of discipline. That would help your sanity, for sure. And maybe if your wife heard it from someone other than you, she might be more inclined to follow through.
Another thing you might try is recognizing and rewarding when he behaves well. Some kids respond amazingly well to positive affirmation. Try to say 5 positive things to him for every negative one. Make sure you are not only giving sticks, but some carrots as well. Find out what his currency is, like Dr. Phil says, and use it. Get one of the Love Languages books and find out what his love language is. Kids who feel loved and respected do not become delinquent.
Do you ever do anything fun with just him - like a guy activity? That might be asking too much right now, but do you show interest in his friends and things he enjoys doing, or ask about his thoughts on a subject?
Lastly, I strongly recommend you get him into counseling. That will help his self esteem, which in turn will improve his behavior. It will also help him focus on the future. It will give him a safe outlet for his anger and give him tools to relate better with others.
Good luck! I know you're in a tough spot.
Do I do anything fun with
Do I do anything fun with him, yes. I do more things with him than with the girls. I took him every sunday with me to watch football, fishing, car shows, whatever things we both like, etc. I'll check the book out. Thanx. I'm just worried its too late. There used to be an apology after this stuff and now everyone besides me acts like it didn't happened which I don't think is good at all.
Its hard and I don't know if
Its hard and I don't know if its the best option, but I'd tell my wife I'm no longer dealing with HIM. Let the dishes go, do YOUR laundry and your daughters. Leave your wife and sons to do on their own. She can't go against punishment you give and say don't put me in the middle. She put herself in the middle.
I don't know how to do it, but if he's picking on the girls, they have to be separated from him somehow. It sounds like your wife just expects you to deal with things then undoes it all when she comes home. Can't happen. There is no consistency.
Pushing him to his room at getting physical is only going to escalate as he gets older. You are probably going to have to withdraw from him completely. I'd tell her you handle him I am flat out done. And prove it to her.
I just re-read your original
I just re-read your original post, and I was struck by how angry the boy seems. Some of his behavior (mouthing off) is typical pre-teen, testing boundaries stuff. But tearing stuff off walls and other stuff is not typical and it sounds like he has some deep anger issues.
It's possible he is transferring all of his anger onto you, whether you are responsible for it or not, but perhaps just because you are the one who is present, or he trusts you to take it, or whatever. But I would say his anger goes beyond you to maybe his mom for being so absent, or what sounds like a totally absent bio father, or jealousy toward sisters, or school situation or some other thing(s). This is a great age (12) to get him into counseling, before the teen years hit full blast and it will probably be too late. Help him find out what he's so angry about and deal with it, then move on to accepting himself and thinking about his future.
I say these things not because I am a professional expert but because my own son (16) has benefited so much from counseling over the last year. He is so much more relaxed, rarely picks fights any more, is more cooperative and happy and settled. Of course, the counselor had some advice for me and my husband too, but it didn't hurt too badly.