Where did it all go wrong? How to deal with adult steps?
Let me first say, I'm so glad I found this site - I have learned so,so much from others posts/situations/experiences. Here's a short version of my situation. DH and I have been married for 12 yrs. I have 4 skds - SD31, SD29, SS28, and SS24. All of the steps are married with their own children. SD31 just recently divorced. When DH and I met youngest SS was 11 so I have experienced the usual issues with BM being a pain in the ass. I personally feel she is a terrible mother. She has always put her own selfish needs ahead of kids ALWAYS. Apparently this was apparent from the time each child could walk!! Fortunately, now that the kids are adults and she lives out of the country she doesn't send snotty emails or call at odd hours of the night in a drunken haze. She is an alcoholic and has been for a very, very long time. Up until 1.5 years ago things were manageable with the kids. The middle SD cut her father and the rest of her family out of her life so we avoided any drama with her. We have had some major issues with the 2 middle skds. At one point the SD29 and his family lived with us for 7 mnths or so until in a drunken rage (yes he's an alcoholic) he picked a fight with me when my DH wasn't home and I had had enough of the turmoil his drinking was causing in my house and I yelled back and told him some truths he did not want to hear. DH walked in on the fight but didn't do or say anything to either of us. Then SD went ballistic at his Dad cuz he didn't step in and defend SS to ME and tell me to shut up!! He remained mad and he AND his wife didn't speak to us for several more weeks til they moved out. They also kept the gkids holed up in there room whenever I was home so I could not see the gkids. They moved out after a few more weeks and they have kept themselves (I could care less) and their children away from ME for the last 9 months now. They moved into their own place and DH has been over there several times and seen the gkds but I have not been allowed to see them. My husband has been called over there many, many times to help when SS gets drunk and his wife can't deal with it. A few weekends ago they came to our house to clean up there storage area while I was not home. I came home while they were still there and I went in the house where grd was watching TV. She was happy to see me and gave me a hug but a few mins later her Daddy was at the door saying she had to leave now. So I didn't get to spend any time with her. The whole situation was so mean and it broke my heart to only see her for a little while. I spent alot of time alone with her when she lived with us and she and I were very close. I was glad to see that she remembered me and seemed happy to see me. My DH was very upset at all that occurred and I know he feels my pain too. I do not understand why the adult skds are so mean and take their anger out on me by using their kids against me. The situation is so very, very sad and I'm not sure where it all went wrong. Well actually I do know where it went wrong and it wasn't something I did. But the only solution that I can see is for me to apologize for what happened w/ drunken SS which is what I have done in the past when any of the skds have gotten angry) but I don't think I should cuz I don't feel I did anything wrong.
Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with nasty adult steps in order to be able to spend time with grandkids? We have been disengaging from the steps but we miss the grandkids and want to see them more if we can. I especially feel bad for my DH as he is a very adoring Papa and the gkids have always enjoyed spending time with him.
Your DH needs to stop
Your DH needs to stop enabling his disfunctional grown children. He should be defending YOU and not cleaning up their messes. It went wrong the moment DH put on his "guilty" hat and started enabling them. Probably LONG before you came on the scene.
Yeah its an easy option to
Yeah its an easy option to just put your head in the sand and pretend u know nothing???? Parenting requires your DH to straighten them out...look after your emotions..as your number one his kids are secondary to u...once he straightens out this mess...I'm sure things will work out
This is VERY hard.
This is VERY hard. Unfortunately, there is no such thing as grandparents' rights. I can understand the assumption that your DH should be defending you, but it really isn't realistic in the sense of him drawing the line kwim... He can work on his son and appeal to his conscience regarding you, but he certainly can't make him let you see the kids and if he tries, he risks losing touch with his grandkids himself.
Maybe if he asked his son if the three of you could sit down and hash this out. I think if both of you, you and his son could talk it out it might help.
Yes, my husband does need to
Yes, my husband does need to stop enabling his children and he has started to in light of the present situation. He has figured out that they have problems that he cannot solve that only they can solve. In the past I have felt that he should say things to his kids when they cause the drama, conflict with me etc. but he has done so in some instances and it has made the skds mad at him too and then they retaliate against him. I think he has done some burying is head in the sand about them and that is why things are the way they are. I knew when we married that his children were important and could on occasion come first to him. I accepted that when I married a divorced man with children. I know in his heart that I am truly number one not the kids. I don't feel it is a competition for his affection but I do believe his children do and always will. They will always feel they need to be number one to Daddy and I get that. Truthfully, the result of all this turmoil with SS and his family has brought my DH and I closer together and he assures me constantly that he loves me and the he loves being with me and only me. I have no insecurities about us I just wish that we would be able to see the gkids. I know that it will only happen once the skds mature and solve some of their own problems. Unfortunately, it could take a long time and it will be time we have lost with the gkids but we cannot change this. It's such a sad situation all around
"If someone...anyone...is
"If someone...anyone...is toxic to you, cut them out of your life and make no apologies in doing so". Excellent!
Actually, your entire post was right-on. I've even had to do this with some of my own family. It's a bitter pill to swallow but sometimes, the truth has to be faced and choices made to have mental health and just some peace.