How can I get through this?
Hi, Im mostly a lurker here but I need some quick advice from you great folks. My SD 10 is visiting for spring break. Though we don't have a bad relationship, already I am wishing she would go home 
This horror started with SD asking DH if she could skip school for a week to stay with us for two weeks instead of one(she lives about 8 hours away so normally she comes up every few months to stay a week or a long holiday depending on the time of year). last week, DH asks me how I feel about her staying an extra week and I honestly tell him that while I would never tell him that he can't have his daughter in our home when he wants, I would really prefer if she just stayed one week. He tells me "ok, we'll have her come and then we'll take it from there and see how the visit goes." So imagine my surprise the very next day when I hear DH tell SD on the phone "yeah, you can stay two weeks as long as its ok with your mother". I wanted to slit my wrist right then I was so mad at DH and all he said afterward was that he was sorry....he didnt think it would be a big deal.
SD has been here since Friday and it has sucked so much. Every 5 minutes, I hear "Daaaad, Daddy......" even when we are in the middle of a conversation. I'm to the point where I can't relax in my living room and instead hide in my room after putting my LO to bed because I don't want to hear her incessant conversation or have to sit on the couch where she is sprawled across. I know that she misses him but he literally can't go into a different room without her having a panic attack. Last night, DH came into our bedroom just to talk to me about my day (cause of course I can't have a conversation that doesnt include SD when she is in the room). Five minutes later we hear her crying and yelling "daddy, where r u". DH goes out to see her and she says she thought that we all left her in the house alone (which doesnt even make sense cause she knew my BD was sleeping in the next room and where would we go at 9:30 at night without telling her).
I feel like I lose my husband whenever she is here because all the attention goes to her since we do not see her all the time. I'm even annoyed by the fact that she is starting to be an attention grabber with my BD 11 months (her half-sister). If I am holding BD or interacting with BD she will come over and grab her hand or make faces at her and constantly say things like "she's just like her sister" --- referring to herself. Part of me wants to be mean and say "u mean HALF-sister and no, u two won't be ANYTHING alike" but I try to control myself. I dont want them to have a bad relationship but its like she's competing with me for attention with her as well. Yesterday I was trying to feed BD and SD decides she wants to stand right behind me and try to make BD laugh. I finally had to turn around and ask her to stop so that I could get BD to eat. Or if Im playing with BD she'll keep calling her name until she pays attention to her or wait to put her down and then she'll rush over and pick BD up. My husband thinks its great that they get along so well but to me its utterly annoying. I dont even like it now when I see BD and SD together. Sad but true.
Im just done with the whole situation. She's not a terror like some of the other stories I've heard on here but she is so annoying and her visits just disrupt the whole feeling of my home.
I don't hate her but I am definitely not fond of having her around. What can I do in this situation. I feel bad for DH cause I think he sees that Im not happy or being myself when she's around but he also knows that SD misses him and loves this time with him. How can I get through this?
I don't know how I am going to survive the next two weeks...Any advice?
Siblings compete for their
Siblings compete for their parents' attention all the time. I think that happens even more frequently when a new sibling arrives on the scene.
I think all you can do is be nice to SD. If you feel you need a break from her, and there's another adult present, do something on your own that you find relaxing. Your feelings are very normal and you're not a bad person. Are there many issues with the BM? Sometimes, that can play a huge part in how we feel about our stepkids.
You poor thing.... I feel
You poor thing....
I feel sorry for your husband too as he obviously must wonder 'why is she like this'?
I know that feeling of going to the bedroom to sit because the skids are sprawled out in the lounge watching the big TV and their shows....before I moved into this house DH had the Xbox hooked up in there and they played live xbox ALL DAY LONG...
I hate the way they interrupt our conversations like your saying....we are speaking about stuff and his kids just come and expect us to give them an answer or go look for something immediatly....cant my DH just say 'wait adults are talking'
I dont know how to deal with this stuff either....I hope someone has a solution....do you get the anxious nervous feeling too?
You told him it wasn't your
You told him it wasn't your preference but that you would defer to his decision - he decided he would like to spend an extra week with his daughter he rarely sees. How is this such a huge problem for so many step-parents here?
He loves her - you should be happy he gets a little extra time with her
uncommon, the problem is not
uncommon, the problem is not that he decided that he really wanted her in our home for an extra week, its that I told him how I felt about the situation and he told me (based on consideration of my feelings) that she would come for 1 week and then we would discuss how things are going TOGETHER and then decide from there about the extra week. So for him to change his mind and make the final decision about something that obviously affects me very much without even mentioning anything to me first is NOT ACCEPTABLE in a marriage. Thats just my opinion.
I finally talked to DH last night and told him how I feel uncomfortable and thats why I've been kinda withdrawn. He replies "well you can hang out with 'us' if you want". I told him "thats the problem, its me hanging out with you two and not the other way around. Im supposed to be your partner."
He says that he sees how she is clingy and territorial when I am around but he doesnt know what to do since maybe she's like that at home being an only child and she misses him. I told him that I understand SD's feeling and I wasn't gonna make him choose but I refuse to fight for my own husband's attention b/c I'm his WIFE and I shouldn't have to.
I feel bad for DH since I know he's torn and doesnt know what to do in this situation to make it better. I told him I'll be in the bedroom for the remaining week and half so he'll know where to find me...
I think the balance between
I think the balance between SMs and skids is much different from the balance you have with own child and thats what makes the relationship so difficult for most posters.
With your biokids, you don't have to worry about coming off too mean, too b**** or too controlling. You don't have to worry about watching everything you say and do because you want to protect their feelings and make them feel welcome....your bkids KNOW that you love them and live with you everyday. Many Skidss need constant reassurance from their bioparents and this often comes in the form of being extremely clingy or demanding.
I don't imagine that I'll have to compete for my husband's attention with BD because she'll love us BOTH EQUALLY and will want to spend time with both of us. My SD is not rude to me but all her attention and affection is focused on her father when she is here. I can't tell her to go and play in her room b/c she doesnt have a room at my house (there's no reason to pay for a bigger space that is only used a few times a year).
With our own BDs, we can tell them "daddy and mommy want some alone time" and thats ok. No feelings will be hurt. Since SD is not here that often, if my DH wanted to have a nice relaxing evening alone with me, he would feel bad telling SD to do something on her own b/c they don't get to see each other all the time. Every night is playing legos or watching a movie with her because he wants her to have fun and enjoy their quality time.
When BD gets older and she is sprawled across the couch, I'd probably lay down next to her cause I'm her mother and we're close. SD and I don't have that relationship (at least not as of yet) so its not the same. Normally Im the one sprawled across the couch and my DH lays next to me. We can't do this with SD around because then she'll feel "left out" and will be calling for daddy to play with her.
Whether its normal or not, when SD is here our house is DIFFERENT so its hard to not make the connection to her and be annoyed. When your DH acts one way when she's here and another when she's not, its hard not to feel uncomfortable. When SD is here, he feels the need to "entertain her" and "show her a good time". He never has this worry with me and BD.
I know that children will be children but its difficult dealing with other people's children and yes, this applies to SD. She does not live with us, we don't have the influence in raising her like we do with BD. Even DH will admit that he doesnt like some of her habits but says "what can I do to change her in the short amount of time we have together".
I think most SM's annoyance (for lack of a better word) comes from the lack of power to change many aspects of their situation like they would have the power to do if the child was theirs and their spouses.
I would encourage your dh to
I would encourage your dh to act more "normal" when she's around. yes, I know he wants quality time with her and I do think it is fine if they do some individual things to together, however, also remind him that one of his "tasks" is to model an appropriate adult relationship for her. How is he doing that if he is ignoring you and putting all his focus on her while you hang out in the bedroom? It is perfectly acceptable for you dh to cuddle with you on the couch when she is there-she can sit in the chair. It is perfectly normal for you and your dh to have an adult conversation. She can listen quietly so that she can see how husbands and wives interact with each other. This is sooo important and so many people dont get this. This girl is looking at you and her dad to model a healthy relationship and it's not happening. She is going to grow up and think one is supposed to ignore their spouse and play Legos with their kids night after night. She is also going to think adults should cater to her constantly and she will never learn to amuse herself. Talk to your husband about showing your sd what a healthy adult relationship is like-for her benefit.