An Issue Of Trust
I have been married for 4 years. I have 4 children and my husband has 5 all of whom are adults except for two(his). It has been difficult and we have went to counseling a couple of times. DH suffers from Myasthenia Gravis and no longer works. He has considerably more assets and income then I do. A few months ago while he was in Las Vegas with friends I found a piece of mail that showed he had removed me as beneficiary from his life insurance and his Deferred Comp. (I was not snooping it was on the kitchen counter)He had not told me and when I asked him about it he told me he had done it after a fight. It's not that I was expecting it all, it was split between his children and I. But he had totally removed me and added his brother and sister. We were in counseling at the time and even the counselor questioned his motives and not discussing it with me first. He also said he did it "for you", so that I wouldn't have to deal with all this stuff after he passed. His brother and sister would use some of the money to plan and pay for his funeral so that I wouldn't have to deal with it! I feel he gave a million reason accept the true one. Needless to say this whole incident really damaged the relationship and I have big issues with trusting him. Because of the nature of my DH's disease we have a printout posted on the refrigerator that lists his medications, what to do in case he has a Myasthenic Crisis, the names of his Dr.'s and their phone numbers and a list of people to call in case of emergency. My name has always been at the top of the list to contact. Well on the desk Thursday night I found a new printout dated 2.23.11 and it has me moved to the bottom of the contact list. I blew up. I know more about his medical care and how to take care of him better then anyone. He had actually moved his two oldest sons and brother and sister before me. He said I was making to big a deal out of it. He had done it after a fight. Honestly what does this type of behavior say about what he really thinks of me and our marriage? I have lost all trust in him. he swears he loves me and wants this marriage to work. Our marriage is rapidlly deteriorating and of course that is my fault for not being able to get over these things.
To be fair I am not totally
To be fair I am not totally uncompensated. I will get the house and the payments(house payment, insurance and taxes)that go along with it but there is about $80,000 in equity in it. I will also get his retirement which will be about $1600 a month. As long as I don't get sick and can keep working full time I should be ok. There is about $5000 in CD's in both our names. He has an account he keeps in his brother's name but payable upon death to him that is around $25,000. He says it is in his brother's name to keep his EX's from finding out about it. I am still in shock that he did it with out telling me and was going to hide it. That he removed me from the contact list over an arguement really hurt. I am the one who is there with him when he plasmapherisis. I am the one who takes care of him when he isn't feeling well. His children and brother and sister don't even know when he has any of this. Quite frankly all of this has made me resent them also. I feel like I am in competition with them now. But I agree if he didn't want me to leave he wouldn't be making choices so obvious.
I believe the question here
I believe the question here would be, after what argument does the will change? There is a pattern, argument, authority change. I also agree that he is making these changes with out you. It would signal to me (in your position) that he also does not care about your opinion in these matters. It would seem that you are only a caretaker, not wife.
I don't know about him wanting to leave, but it does seem he wants to give you less authority. You have the responsibility, but no authority. He is slowly taking that all away from you. After he passes, everyone else gains. You get some, but even then, at a price. The insurance would probably help pay the mortgage. He is leaving you with even more responsibility after he is gone.
I can understand the resentment to the others. You care for him daily, but they are blood.
I can offer no real advice, but my thoughts are with you on this.
Good Luck
If he would take your name
If he would take your name off of the insurance and off of emergency contacts you have no reason to believe that he has not already or would not in the future will his part of the house and any other property to others. The same could be true of the retirement benefits (assumming he can change this as sometimes only spouses are eligible to recieve this). You should consider this before you make your final assessment about what you want to do. You may decide you would be better off divorced financially.
It does seem to me that he did this out of some sick attempt to get back at you. If he wanted you to leave he would go ahead and initiate divorce proceedings and do this stuff at the same time or shortly afterwards. So without knowing more, it seems he wants to punish you for wahtever reasons. Do you want to spend your time taking care of soemone who refuses to take care of you and instead spends his time with petty vengeful acts against YOU?
SOunds to me like DH is a big
SOunds to me like DH is a big fat baby - what every time you have a fight he cuts you out of his life a little more - what now if you fight you lose some assets, your are no longer the first contact - I think he is trying to tell you he does not want you in his life anymore - I don't know your whole situation but I have a bad feeling about this!!
Those are very hurtful
Those are very hurtful things. You are entitled to your shared assets now or later! You may actually be in a better position now. Keep that in mind, and ask a lawyer about it. If he is making plans that do not include you for the future - then you need to start making like plans of your own. Good luck!
I agree to get legal advice.
I agree to get legal advice. In the state I used to live in, you could not remove the spouse as beneficiary or choose someone else without them signing off. I don't know if that is true everywhere. He is punishing you for something and I don't blame you for reacting with distrust. Very hurtful, cruel and petty approach. If he wants those others ahead of you, then they can live with him and put up with him.