HEEELLPPPP!! At my wit's end with teenage SD
OK guys, I am usually a lurker and I rarley post, but I am at my wit's end with my 14 y/o SD.
Just before Christmas, she and I had a huge screaming match because she lied about something I asked her not to do, and then she proceeded to scream at me. Her dad was sitting right there with us and allowed this to continue until I finially just left. He later said that he did not agree with me, so he would not back me. So, "princess" got a phone with unlimited text messaging for Christmas (my idea). I just looked at her messages and all of her texts are making fun of me and how stupid I am. Most of them are back and forth between her and her own mother. At one point her mother told her to "F**king stay away from me". She was even making fun of me for falling and having to be on crutches.
I have never done anything to her, other than ask for respect. I have asked my husband to back me, but in his eyes, she does no wrong. I have found letters that she has wrote about me, and when I took them to my husband, he got mad at me for invading her privacy.
I feel like nothing but a maid and a paycheck.
I have asked to go to counseling with my husabnd, but he wouldn't agree to it.
Is it time to jump ship? I don't want my 8 year old son to suffer because of all of this....
PLEASE HELP!!!!
Was your Husband present when
Was your Husband present when she made fun of you for falling and using crutches? If he was and did said nothing to her, I'd raise hell. I was just where you were and I felt the situation was totally hopeless. As Rags pointed out, the mariiage should be the primary focus - period. If your Husband won't go to counseling, go yourself. You have more rights than you may think. You deserve to be respected. Believe me - if unchecked, the disrespectful behavior just gets worse. I have totally disengaged and it is wonderful.
No, my SD used her cell phone
No, my SD used her cell phone (that I pay for) to contact all of her friends, including her mom, and they all proceeded to make fun of me. I have found stuff before and brought it to my husband's attention, and he got mad at me...not her. I am afraid to bring this to his attention. Just so sick of the drama....
Why don't you just cancel
Why don't you just cancel Text messaging on her phone?
FH and I semi got into it today over skids. According to him all I have is negative things to say about them. Well, gee...SD15 has shitty grades in school, lies about turning in assignments, talks back to me with a big attitude and doesn't shut her mouth. Uhm, were is there room for anything positive to be said about her right now?
SS13 has been better lately. I even told SS13 last night thank you for being good these past few days....but yet according to FH all I have to say is negative things about them.
Skids live with us full time. BM is physically out of the picture. She's around but nowhere near us around.
I can't stand the way SD15 is starting to treat me. The talking back once I can handle. The running of the mouth after repeatedly being told to SHUT IT, I can't and will not handle. She wants, wants, wants but when it is time for her to do something to earn it and if she is not in a good mood forget it with her. I can actually FEEL her negative vibe.
My best advice to you is if your SD14 does not live with you full time and especially since BM is still in the picture, it is best that you back off. Seriously, leave the parenting to her biological parents.
No matter how good you are trying to be to her you will always be the meanest one. I am sick and tired of doing nice things for SD15 to then have her treat me like shit. SD15 does not treat FH the way she treats me. Once FH is home she is real careful as to what she says and does and is all nice and sweet with FH.
For now, REMOVE text messaging from her phone.
His SD lives with us 50% of
His SD lives with us 50% of the time. I lterally count down the days til they go back to their momma's house. Problem with removing text messaging is that it is my husband's account. I just make the payments. And besides, I will have to explain why I am being so "mean" to "princess". I do not have the same problems with my 9 year old SD. She is sweet and very caring, always has been. The other one...she is just like her momma....nothing but DRAMA!
I wish it wasn't like this, but I am beginning to really hate her. I wish I could bring this to my husband's attention and let HIM punish her. But it won't happen. She is his "princess"
I am so unhappy.
I feel like I am being used, disrespected, and I feel trapped
Ugh, one of those DHs. My
Ugh, one of those DHs.
My problem with my FH is that he swears that SD15 and I have a shitty relationship. Okay FH, so these past few nights that she has asked me to braid her hair I've braided her hair because we have such a shitty relationship!?! This past weekend I took her shopping for makeup and paid for it as long as she did chores because we have such a shitty relationship!?!
Teenage girls are NOT easy to deal with. Best thing for you to do is let her be who she wants to be at your house. If your DH doesn't care about it you shouldn't either. Save your sanity!
Disengage from her. I'm disengaging from SD15 starting last night! Read my latest blog. SD15 has been in her room all day since getting home today. Fine by me!
IF your DH will not hear you
IF your DH will not hear you therefore unwilling to change and take charge with his little princess then yes your best bet would be leaving the relationship. If BM is texting her hateful things about you and SD14 is texting everyone else hateful shit then in order to keep your sanity you will have to leave. If you think you can disengage succesfully then stay.
Cancel the phone as of
Cancel the phone as of tonight. And when she throws a fit you say "Speak to your Dad about it. If you cannot be polite and nice to me I don't pay for your phone. You have a phone. No one said I had to pay for it. Ask youer mother to add you to her plan."
What is it with kids and their cell phones? Cancel the damned thingsd why don't you?
As for your DH, time for counselling. He is making you out to be the bad guy so he doesn't have to.
A word of warning: Your SD is 14. She is mid hormones. Your DD is 9 and a few years away yet. She too can morph into a witch for a few years. Noever say Never!
Ya, It looks like you may
Ya, It looks like you may have to just leave. But I'd get counseling by yourself first so the transition will be easier. My guess is that when DH sees that you really mean business, and he will have to be doing it all, things will change. Good luck to you.
Ok, i've had 3 teenage
Ok, i've had 3 teenage girls....and I survived. It is not for the faint at heart. One thing DH needs to do is back the fuck up and let you deal with the issues with the daughter. You got her the phone and you control the phone. She did not get the phone in order to facilitate disrespect. This is about raising a child, not about pointing our your flaws. Stand up to DH and firmly hold your ground or she will EAT YOU ALIVE. You still have 3 years until she is 18!!
I NEVER go through my kids phones. I believe they have a right to vent and be private, BUT...if their behavior to me is disrespectful on the outside..I will use all means necessary to bring that behavior back to where it needs to be. I take what they LOVE.
You know what she is doing now. The difference is...if you didn't know, would it change anything? My guess is that the reading of the texts explained her behavior. This is fine now that you know. NOW...you can tell her....I EXPECT YOU TO BE RESPECTFUL TO ME. IF SHE IS DISRESPECTFUL...call the att whoever, and tell them the phone has been misplaced, can they please suspend the line until you find it.
This will send sd immediately into orbit. When she comes to you and asks you WHY...then you have the opportunity to negotiate with her. You do this without DH being around! You can tell her...you've been disrespectful to me and I don't like it, so I had your line suspended. When you can agree to be kinder and more respectful to me, then I will consider turning it back on again.
This act is like jerking the reigns on a horse. It is an immediate slap in the face. It has worked for me with my girls and I hope it helps somewhat.
With daughters, you have females constantly fighting to be the ALPHA. You have to clearly define your role, be willing to back yourself up because DH is useless, and you have to demand good treatment. You teach her how to treat you and when she effs up, then you smack her down.
My ex and my dh are NO MATCH for these females. Only a female understands a female! My daughters are sd21, dd19, dd18. I'm now best friends with mine and I'm considered "mom" by sd21. It wasn't always this way, but you fight for what is right, apparently to the death!!! LOL.
I know it is hard, and they are really good at hurting us. You need to keep your self esteem up there because otherwise, she'll shred you!
LOL.....you crack me up!
LOL.....you crack me up! I've been in the war zone too long. :O We've raised 7 together, I only have 4 bios, but I used to be really laid back. Now my mom calls me "sarge" because she thinks I'm bossy. Oh WELL!
i feel for all of you on this
i feel for all of you on this site going through all this heart aches.... most of it seems tho that your husbands dont support you all and without the support the respect is gone too.... i currently dont have a realtionship with my ss16 really were not within 3ft of eachother and it make his father more upset then me. i just beleive that he'll come around on his own as long as there is no disrespect then we are good... as for my ss4 and 6 things are looking up. my own BDa they try to spend time with their sbrohters but the there is a large gap in age so they only do so mucch. that being said we have a 1yrold that connects them all together.
ive also noticed that most of you have your skids almost full time.... me skids are only around evey weekend of course we want every other week but we'll just see...
really i think support and communication with your other halves is key to working out your diffences with the skids. doing so without them around is best that way they dont know whats being said and who wins what fight or so.
if worse comes to worse im sorry to say but if i were in your place i'll leave.
good luck to you and i hope all turns out for the better....
i feel for all of you on this
i feel for all of you on this site going through all this heart aches.... most of it seems tho that your husbands dont support you all and without the support the respect is gone too.... i currently dont have a realtionship with my ss16 really were not within 3ft of eachother and it make his father more upset then me. i just beleive that he'll come around on his own as long as there is no disrespect then we are good... as for my ss4 and 6 things are looking up. my own BDa they try to spend time with their sbrohters but the there is a large gap in age so they only do so mucch. that being said we have a 1yrold that connects them all together.
ive also noticed that most of you have your skids almost full time.... me skids are only around evey weekend of course we want every other week but we'll just see...
really i think support and communication with your other halves is key to working out your diffences with the skids. doing so without them around is best that way they dont know whats being said and who wins what fight or so.
if worse comes to worse im sorry to say but if i were in your place i'll leave.
good luck to you and i hope all turns out for the better....
OK...so here is the update. I
OK...so here is the update. I have parental controls on her phone that I pay an extra $5 a month for (this is so she can't use up all of our minutes) I went and blocked her during all hours of the day. In addition, I blocked her momma's cell. I am able to put some exceptions in this. My husband and my phone are the exceptions. She can still call either of us or text us. Now, that being all said..."Princess" discovered her phone was blocked this afternoon. So, DH gets mad at me. He said he was going to "discuss" it with her when she got back home this coming Friday, and I had no right to discipline her myself. THEN FRIGGIN DISCIPLINE YOUR OWN DAMN KIDS!!!!!!! Now..I don't know about you guys, but I have always heard to discipline a child as soon as you discover they have done something wrong. To me, there is no "discussing" it...she needed it taken away. And as far as her psycho BM goes, she will NOT use a phone I am paying for to talk shit about me. He number will remain PERMANTLY BLOCKED! AS far a DH goes...if he can't support me, then I don't need him. I AM STANDING MY GROUND ON THIS ONE!!!! At this point, I am thinking a bottle of wine and a hotel room for the weekend sounds really good right now......
HELL NOOOO!!! BM was texting
HELL NOOOO!!! BM was texting Princess evil shit about me, bisically more like a friend would than a mother would. These text messages were so vile that I do not DARE repeat....so I blocked her number...for good! If she wants to contact her kid..let HER pay the phone bill!!!!
Kids (especially teenage
Kids (especially teenage girls) often times dont like there parents. They all think we are old, stupid, out of touch....etc. Really it is not that shocking that a child would think there step mom is idiotic and its not a big jump that they would laugh at there misfortunes. What is a cross of the line is when they verbalize it in public or to your face in a disrespectful way. She is entitled to her thoughts and to have private conversations with her BM and her friends. Stop reading her texts. You cant control how she thinks of you or how she feels about you. You cant control what she says to other people. You can require to be treated with respect in your home. You can require that she keep family issues and concerns private in public. Violations of these rules should have consequences.
Mamabecky, I appreciate your
Mamabecky,
I appreciate your comment, and I will take that comment to heart. What I won't do is pay for a phone that her mother uses to entice her to disrespect me. Nope, not on my bill. The problem here does not actually lie with my SD, she is just going off of the cues of her parents. Without repect, our relationship will become non existant. I don't want that. I want to enjoy all of my kids. It just blows my mind that ANY parent would write such HATEFUL things infused with foul language to their own 14 year old kid. With an influence like this, I am afraid there is no hope for my SD. She is always going to believe what her parents say. That being said, I also lay blame on my DH. He has never made her respect me, nor has he addressed his ex that talking to their daughter in that manner does nothing but mess with her mind. She is a child, and does not need to know about adult issues. I don't really care what BM says or thinks about me, but for goodness sake, LEAVE THE KIDS OUT OF IT!!!! Even though my ex does not like my DH, he is the first to support my DH when DH disciplines my 8 year old son. My ex does not make rude comments about me or my DH to my bs. The issue here is respect. My son respects adults becuase his dad and I make him. I wish I could say the same for my DH and the BM. Unfortunately my SD is actually the victim here. I pray that my marriage isn't either :?
I totally agree with your
I totally agree with your Rockyapollo and I would feel the same way! It definitely doesnt help to deal with a trashy, ignorant, and nasty BM that antagonizes the kids and puts negative ideas in their heads. My SD13's Bm leaves a lot to be desired. My DH gets it way worse then I do though. I strongly suspect that she has been alienated from her dad for so long but now that she is getting older she is starting to question it and think for herself. It is a terrifying time for BM. She lives in fear of SD choosing daddy over her. She is a selfish cow. Every week I am waiting for something to happen. I know something is coming. I have a feeling SD13 will either be requesting more time here with DH or perhaps even ask to move in. I can tell that she is coping from some serious guilt regarding hurting her BM though. My SD13 is pretty respectful to me to my face and I dont go looking for info regarding what she says behind my back. The few minor incidents we have had I have chosen not to say anything...except for once. She handled it well and corrected the behavior. I dont know what I would do though really if I found blatantly disrespectful and hateful messages. I hope I would remember my own words as stated above and find an appropriate way to deal with it but knowing me....and I do have a temper there would be a chance I would not and completely fly off the handle. I think my DH would get the brunt of it though...and as he should I think. If mama's not happy noone will be happy right? Is there any way for you to get your husband to be more supportive? Do you think you can get through to him in any way? Most of the time I can still get through to my husband if I have an issue. I dont think I would be able to handle it very well if I didn't have that. I'm pretty confident I would leave actually.