Frustrated
I'm a 36 year ordinary working woman and have been dating my boyfriend for a little over two years. The problem? His 20 year old daughter. Between turning 18 and now, she has gotten eight tattoos, a tounge piercing, belly button piercing and got pregnant on purpose and delivered shortly after graduation. Of course, the boyfriend lasted eight months, she is now again living at home with her father, working less than part-time and is not seeking child support from the boyfriend in hopes that he will take her back. Her parenting skills are questionable and she depends largely on her father for help with the baby (whom we all adore and of course, did nothing wrong.) The worst part...since the boyfriend is no longer in the picture, now she hates me despite my doing everything in my power to form a bond with her from day one. After accidentally waking the baby on vacation, she screamed at me that she hates me and could "f**king kill me". She tells me her father lies to me to spend more time with her. He has spoken to her about it on several occcassions and she basically told him that she doesn't care how nice I am to her, etc. Love my boyfriend and we hope to have a future and marry, but how in God's name do I deal with this? Advice?
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i can't imagine being in a
i can't imagine being in a situation like that, where is bm?
is it your house, his house or did you buy it together?
Her birth mother is living in
Her birth mother is living in another state. The mother has had mental issues during her life and has self-committed several times. She has several other children and has been a welfare receient and has taught her daughter to "get all she can from welfare" too. My boyfriend is a very stable, hard-working man and gained full custody when she was 12. He has provided for her and supported her in every way. We are both very reliable, stable people. She basically inherited all her mother's traits. We live seperately. I own my own home as does he. I do not have any children. Trust me, Stepberg, I've debated keeping this going. The two major issues which are very sad are that: 1) To say that his daughter is not bright would be kind. I'm not trying to be mean, but she graduated high school only by attending special needs classes. She spells phonetically and it is astonishing how many "big" words she does not know. We do not beleive she could handle a secondary education; and, 2) How do you force her out of the home...and also force the baby out onto the street also?
you're screwed if you stay in
you're screwed if you stay in this relationship..... thank god you have your own place..... you really can't expect bf to boot sd and baby out and sd doesn't sound like she plans on setting a good example for her kid by making something of herself... and she doesn't sound like she's going to attract a partner that can't support hisself & her & baggage....
i hate to sound cold and insensitive to your love for bf, but i would be looking for new man.....
I know I'm screwed and it's
I know I'm screwed and it's the saddest thing. I've known him for over 20 years. His sister is my best friend. I've been a part of his family since I was 12. We're happier together than with anyone we've ever respectively been with, and this will just get worse and worse and worse. Thankfully, I've never wanted children of my own so there is no ticking clock. He keeps promising that we will have a future and we will live together, etc., but how long do you keep letting the future go farther into the future, etc.?
The thing that kills me
The thing that kills me though is the fact that this is not his, my or our fault whatsoever. He couldn't have been a better father or set a better example for her. By breaking up our good thing, she basically "wins" and whomever the next unfortunate soul who dates him will only receive the same treatment. Don't want to lose him, but I also don't want to be walking around with these obsessive thoughts anymore and it's taking its toll on me physically. Not to be gross, but right around the time after she gave birth, I started having double periods, etc. The worst part is that everything I predicted from the moment she said "I'm pregnant" (she told me first via text and before telling her dad, presumably to scare me away) has come to pass. Most likely everything I predicted that will happen to our relationship will too. Sigh.
You probably misread my
You probably misread my intent a bit...trust me, I have no belief that "I will win". There are other problems with our relationship on top of this major problem. Due to financial constraints (he was laid off for nine months last year), he lives with his dad. He says the fact that he's making a low amount of money in a retail chain is his only reason for not moving in yet. However, he stopped looking for a better job months ago. So, it's Greatgrandfather, grandfather, daughter and granddaughter all in one home. They are very close and he and his father help the SS out with virtually everything she needs. He'll be paying monthly for a storage unit for her furniture for her failed planned apartment and I'm quite sure a new vehicle in September as she crashed hers shortly after she was fired from two jobs in a row. I feel very on the outside.
He could offer to make me his
He could offer to make me his freakin' wife instead of "I'll give you a call on my way home from work". If I hear one more Goddamned time that he has to stop at the grocery store to get the baby this or that (she should be doing that) or that he has to help dad with this or that and I'll be over a little later...I'm going to scream. I'm close with my parents and talk to my mom every day. However, I also only visit for Sunday dinner and my freakin' family doesn't sleep with all the bedroom doors open every night as a matter of rule. You know, I'm kinda glad I came onto this site. The more I express this crap in writing the more f**ked up this whole scenario really is! :o)
SpunkiDooLittle, you rock!
SpunkiDooLittle, you rock! Glad I found my own place too. It's hard to talk to your best friend about your problems with your BF (I'm slowly learning these terms...BF...SS) when she's your boyfriend's sister. We have all the same friends and most of them have kids so you get the "He's a dad and you don't understand". I understand his daughter is a complete nightmare and they raised her as a friend instead of a daughter to get her favor over the BM. That plus being an only child... She also has used the whole "Don't tell me what to do or I'll get really angry with you!" defense since a child. They allow her to say "f*%k you" to them and don't flinch. In fact, when she said that to me and told me she could kill me, the BF said "Oh, it fianlly happened to you. We get that all the time at home." My mother would had slapped the hell out of me. BTW, is it okay to swear on here?
Anonamom, welcome! You've
Anonamom, welcome! You've certainly found the right place for your frustrations with your situation. I think we all found this site when we were feeling similar to how you are right now and for similar reasons.
Although I don't feel comfortable giving advice to someone when I only know a limited amount of information (I just don't want to steer someone in the wrong direction by my lack of knowledge), I just wanted you to know that you are not alone.
There are so many wonderful, supportive people here on Steptalk - when I found this site, I was so relieved - it literally saved my relationship, not to mention my sanity, just to be able to talk to others that are in a situation somewhat similar to mine.
I am a late-thirtysomething educated, professional woman - never been married, no biokids of my own. I'm dating my BF for 6+ years, including living with him for 2+ years. He is divorced with 2 biokids with his exW/BM - they are SD15 (stb16) and SS12 (stb13). I also own my own home, which I currently rent to tenants.
I must say that one thing that I can relate to in your post is about your BF's daughter (I'll call her SD20) - what a nightmare her getting pregnant, living with your BF, the father of the baby is not around, etc... What really hit me is how you wrote about how she speaks to you & how your BF raised her that this is OK ("oh, it finally happened to you. We get that all the time at home."). Uhhh, no - that is totally & completely unacceptable. Your BF may be a wonderful person, but he's unfortunately not being a responsible father if he's not coming down on her and just "enabling" her to destroy her life. There are so many things about that situation alone that are seriously dysfunctional and I worry for you. I'm not the type of person to tell someone to "run for the hills" - I usually advocate for trying to work together and work hard, but I agree with the others in that I just don't think this is the right man for you.
You really need to sit down and think about YOUR life, what makes YOU happy, what YOU want for YOUR future. Are you really happy with your BF? Or do you find yourself wondering how the hell you got in this mess in the first place? Do you really want your life to be full of turmoil, stress and drama? This is how it will be if you stay with him - this is just a small glimpse of your future if you stay with your BF. Especially since he's now a grandfather... Now, even if he WANTED to "teach his daughter a lesson in tough love", he will not only have to consider his daughter (little princess that HE raised to be this way), but now he also has Guilty Granddaddy syndrome too. "Oh, I just CAN'T tell her to find a place to live...where will my grandbaby go??"
Also, your BF sounds to be a bit selfish (sorry, no offense) and it sounds like he's already gotten way too "comfortable" with you - he now expects you to put up with all that is his dysfunctional world...yet you've been dating 2 years. Hmmm......
This whole nightmare is directly the fault of your BF as a father - especially when you said "his daughter is a complete nightmare...they raised her as a friend instead of a daughter to get her favor over BM". BINGO!!!! DING DING DING!! There's the "common denominator" - the ROOT of all the problems.
The only solution I can think of, assuming you want to somehow stay with your BF and try to salvage your relationship (and your happiness) is to sit down and have a looooong talk with your BF. Lay it all on the line. Make sure you are clear about YOUR concerns, YOUR fears, what YOU need and expect out of the relationship, etc.... Tell him everything you're concerned with. Maybe somehow he can put a plan into action that will be better for you & your relationship.
I wish you all the best. We are all here for you. I hope my reply helped you out a little bit (if not, feel free to just ignore it).
Good luck anonamom!!
P.S. I fear that my SD15 (stb16) is going down the exact same path that your SD20 is already on. Reading your post really made me sit back and realize that I, too, have some re-evaluation to do and some communicating with my BF - all BEFORE I decide to marry him (if I do, at all).
I cannot tell you how
I cannot tell you how wonderful it is to have found you guys. You get so tired of telling your sad tale to your friends because frankly, they love you and want you to be happy regardless of if you are "settling" or they just plain love my BF. Who wouldn't. He's wonderful. However, we are in a horrible situation...or, more aptly put, I'm in a horrible situation. Case in point, got my requisite 10 minute call on his way home from work to his house and I just couldn't bear it. I wasn't mean. Just abrupt. The second he starts sensing trouble he starts talking about time we're going to have together and tonight (not in a shitty way) just said it doesn't matter. Really? Does it? Hey, half of America are on differing shifts right now, that's life, but he doesn't belong here and let's just stop pretending. As for the person who asked about how he lets her get the tattoos, boy, wish I had a better answer, but we find out about them randomly when she shows skin. She's over 20 and we can't stop anything...
anonamon, a couple quick
anonamon, a couple quick questions:
what the hell is BF doing allowing his daughter get all the tattoos, piercings, have sex with boyfriends, etc... all the while HE is the one financially supporting her AND giving her the roof over her head??? What kind of father is he?? The "bury your head in the sand and hope everything turns out OK" type?
is her BM similar to how she is? into tattoos, piercings, bad boys, failing out of school, etc?? yeah, that's our BM here as well - and SDstb16 is turning into a mini-me of her mother. Ugh!!!
I agree with the other
I agree with the other poster. You are his escape from his life. And probably his booty call.
The girl sounds like a trainwreck. Keep away, far away. Wean yourself out of the craziness. Take a cruise or 2 week vacation on your own and see how you feel when you get back.
Do NOT move in or anything else like that. He needs to get his life sorted out first.