New Step Mom in Step Mom Hell.....will it always be like this?
My SD9 goes with her mom on the weekends and I so look forward to it. Friday came, no kids, off work - and I was excited about having no kids and looking forward to being able to spend some quiet alone time with my husband. I get home and my husband is not there, so I just started getting settled in. A few mins later I hear the garage door open, then hear him coming into the house. I walk to the wash room to greet him and who do I see walking in with him? SD9!! She went straight to her room. So, I looked st him like whats up? He then told me that he went to drop his daughter off at his moms (the bio mom picks her up from his mothers house), but once he got to his mom's house, SD9 didn't want to stay. She started crying and putting on the whole act that she doesn't want to go with her mom. So, instead of him telling her she has to stay he gives in and turns back around and brings her back home. So, I'm standing there looking at him like he had just lost his mind. He then says, "well, i wasnt going to make her go!" Then had the nerve to say, "I'm mad because I had to drive all the way to my mom's and back". WTF? I was done! Night ruined. I put my pajamas on, got in bed and dared him to touch me. I had attitude the rest of the weekend.
I am still a newlywed and it is scary to realize that I'll be dealing with this daddy's girl madness the rest of my life. Now mind you, I have a bio son 8 that also lives with us full time and he had already gone with his dad that Friday for his normal weekend time. So here I am child free, wanting to be with my husband who was also "supposed" to be child free, except he takes that option away by deciding to not make her go with her mom as planned! All because of a whine or cry, always. Ughh!
I agree. And if a child
I agree. And if a child knows all they need to do is cry to get their way, then you are creating a monster and in this case it's already been created. He didn't see it like that and of course as usual doesn't get how I feel and just won't ever be able to see things through my eyes. He would instead just risk pissing me off than telling the brat no! Never thought I'd be this unhappy so early into my marriage.
Hi Unhappy1. I hate to say
Hi Unhappy1.
I hate to say it, but what Rhyleighblue said is ecactly what I would say.
Thank you. It all sounds
Thank you. It all sounds petty until you're the one in it. Im doing the best I can. Also, in my defense, a one time incident is no reason to be upset, but when youre dealing with a constant problem, little things can really get to you. I'll continue to try and do my best.
Step, I don't think anyone
Step, I don't think anyone blames her for being annoyed. I can't tell you how many times we've thought my stepkids were going to spend a few days with their mother only to have her (or them) change their minds at the last minute. Hell, just a few years ago I was on the DC Metro taking my stepson to the airport to spend a few days with his mother. They changed plans while we were en route to the airport. It's happened too many times to count with my bios as well.
Two choices:
(1) Lose it. Cry. Scream. "It's not fair!" "What about my rights?" Lash out at my husband. At the kids. At the ex. Pout. "Disengage".
or
(2) Adapt. Understand that circumstances change. Take a deep breath. Fall back. And punt. Life is what happens when we are busy making plans. And in a blended family with exes, grandparents, kids/stepkids, baby mama, baby daddy, steps, ..... change is the only thing we can really count on.
I don't blame the OP for being annoyed. But things like this: "WTF? I was done! Night ruined. I put my pajamas on, got in bed and dared him to touch me. I had attitude the rest of the weekend." don't help. And it's exactly this type of behavior that destroys relationships.
That part I do agree with you
That part I do agree with you on. A nine year old is too young to have that kind of control. I totally get the frustration and anger. What I don't understand is the response. Exactly what does sulking, refusing sex, and pouting accomplish? Nothing.
Effective communication and grown-up behaviors build solid marriages.
one thing i've learned (been
one thing i've learned (been a step mom for 2 years) NEVER count on anything.....if you do it'll just set you up for disappointment.
I would have been just as
I would have been just as upset. My DH sometimes has to change the days that he gets his kids and I hate not knowing about it. I told him I always want to know what is going on and when he is getting them. It is a horrible feeling when you are excited about alone time with DH and then come to find you aren't going to get it and there was no communication at all until the last second.
Also your DH shouldn't let SD run him like that. He should have made her go back to BM's. Period. She has him wrapped around her little finger and that will only get worse!
shootingstarz, the comment
shootingstarz, the comment you made below is my sentiment exactly. kids do things, its how we react to them that matters....
...."Also your DH shouldn't let SD run him like that. He should have made her go back to BM's. Period. She has him wrapped around her little finger and that will only get worse!"
I have learned that this is so very true!!!
Giving in to a kid's bratty
Giving in to a kid's bratty and selfish behavior is one of my biggest pet peeves of all time. Indulging the whining is going to bite your DH in the arse! His daughter instantly learns she gets her way when she throws a fit. Caving in just reinforces the behavior. Adults needs to act like one in those situations; kids should not be given that kind of control.
Along those same lines, I dislike when DH asks his kids where they want to eat; gee, what a shock, they each pick a different fast food restaurant. He then turns to me and asks where I want to eat. Uh, does it really matter? I'm not going to recommend a nasty fast food place. Wherever I would suggest will be met with whining and complaining from the back seat.
tell me about it. and this
tell me about it. and this is where my frustration lies. I was so upset that night, I cant tell you. and i did talk to him about it and as I explained in my original comment, he didn't see a problem with it. complete disregard for my feelings. my son has said to me a few times that he doesn't want to go with his dad for the weekend, for whatever reason. he still goes. and mind you neither kid is in an abuse situation. what i saw was a pattern of spoiled manipulation. its hard to embrace her or him for that matter when this crap is going on because deep down resentment is building.
and to whomever said my behaviour was childish, no one reacts like I did to an isolated incident. this was just one thing on top of the other, so by the time this happened, I was fed up. realize that when angry, you are usually hurting inside. i was hurt, not mad. and it is hard for me to turn my emotions on and off like that. so when I said i didn't want to be touched, i didn't verbalize those words to him, it was more in my head. but he knew because i just shut it down. put jamas on and got in bed.
yes, it will always be step
yes, it will always be step mom hell. it has been for me for 10 years. last one is turning 18 in june 2011, and i wonder if i will make it to the end of this long trip in hell.
i've been treated terribly and i am weary and tired from it. i wouldn't do it over again. just sayin, there's always going to be that razor that cuts you....and i can't see an end to it for me....and my skids are almost grown.
are you serious?! wow. that
are you serious?! wow. that was a bit much. My SD did cry at our reception because she wanted to go on the honeymoon, and I do mean boo hoo'd!!! mind you my own son was like, "see you mommy!". Of course my DH didnt cave in to her cries, otherwise that would've been the quickest marriage in history. But, he sounds just as obsessive as your DH is when it comes to his daughter. I have learned to disengage, although he is constantly trying to pull me in.
Your husband needs to be firm
Your husband needs to be firm with this kid no matter how her whiny crying might get to him. If a kid can control by tears or whatever kind of manipulation, she will grow to be more and more of a mutant nightmare. Adults need adult time together to nurture their relationship. If it were me and my bio kid weren't there for the weekend and he refused to take his daughter back, I'd say, "Fine you want to spend the weekend with her? Enjoy yourself!" And I'd go and spend the weekend with a girlfriend or in a motel somewhere rather than deal with that behavior...just a suggestion on my part. But he definitely needs to make time for the two of you.
I'm so glad I have a DH who
I'm so glad I have a DH who realizes that kids don't have to "like" everything all the time. Parents coddle their kids all their lives and then will complain about how irresponsible they become as adults
I am a newlywed also, but no
I am a newlywed also, but no kids of my own, just SS6, DH makes him go to his moms and she makes him come here, no questions asked, no hissy fits compromised. But the hissy fits get compromised while he's here and I know exactly how you feel.. when it's time for the SK to go back to momma your ready for it!... DH here won't discipline SS at all, because he feels like he's been thru enough w. the divorce.. NO EXCUSE is my oppinion! just because of the divorce is no reason to let a child "rule the roost" the grandparents are no help either, they passify the childs every want too which makes it worse! So hunny I totally feel ya.. and like you I hope it will get better in the step he**
I don't blame you for being
I don't blame you for being mad or for withdrawing from your husband. Unless there is some danger at BM's house, he needs to uphold the visitation order. He also needs to make time for private time with you unless there is a REAL emergency. It is not up to you to make all the adaptations in the marriage - he needs to compromise too.
I remember very well the
I remember very well the first time SD16 pulled the same thing going to her Mom's. We have 3 SS19 (he is okay to stay at home because he does not require rides, money, etc), SD17 and SD15. SD17 just got her license, so it is less work, but SDs still make a huge mess.
If too many weekends go by and we (I) do not have a break from the kids, I go away for a weekend. I am lucky because I have great family and friends that I can stay with and lots of travel points, but that really helps me. I don't make a big thing of it, I don't even point out why now, I just say I need a break. DH says he needs a break too, but only he can make that happen for him.
I am new to the Step Mom thing and I don't have children of my own. I feel like I worry about the Skids more than DH (he does not even wait up for them). So, I really need to take a break from that sometimes!
Oh, DH is great at making unilateral decisions about stuff around hte house too. Another thing I need a break from!