Dolphin - the problem with this situation is that your DH should have sat his SD18 down and said "Listen I am married to your SM and I love her and I will not tolerate any negative comments from you. - PERIOD!! Then he should have also said I am not telling SM about this because this will hurt her and I have seen all that she has done for you so you will not ruin her holidays or hurt her feelings"! He should never have come to you with the letter he should have nipped it in the bud and been on your side totally. He has now opened the door for your SD to bitch and complain about you anytime she wants.

My father never let us say one bad word about our mother ever - and if we did have a disagreement with her he would jump in and silence us - she was his wife and he loved her and protected her and made sure everyone respected her every minute of every day - it was a relationship that was beautiful to see - that a man loved his wife so much that for 3 years before she died he took her to the bathroom, cleaned her up, bathed her and did everything for her because she could not walk - and he protected her - I am glad that I got to see that kind of love in action - how many of us would take such good care of our mates or our mates would take care of us like that.

So your DH dropped the ball and you need to tell him that you do not want to hear anymore negative things that his daughter has written and that you expect him to stand up for you and put her in her place!!

This really seems to vary, family to family.

My own BD20 is the opposite. She is quite supportive and appreaciative of DH and has respect. ( she knows better though?)

I would try "Stepmonster" as well. It helped me a lot in the last two months.

(Hi, Caregiver- BTW )

" Nothing changed until my DH figured out that he is with me for the long run, not them. So he has curtailed it with them."

StepAside. This. Great way of putting it all into perspective.

She may be overwhelmed with her dad being with someone other that her mom or she may want him all to herself. Wheather the case may be, he's got to realize this is a problem that needs to be faced together as a family otherwise you will become frustrated. The longer you hold out on your feelings the harder it will be in the end. He should respect your thoughts on the matter and know this is an important issue to resolve.

Dolphinlvr I have a similar problem with my BFs 17 year old daughter. Sometimes she is nice to me and I think we are getting along then she will ignore me for days and talk to me in 3rd person. I don't understand why she acts this way but it makes it hard for me to actually like her. My BF doesn't understand and just thinks I am being paranoid. So I have been disengaging myself for months.

Caregiver did indeed nail this one to the wall. Your DH needs to nip this foolishness in the bud now and set her straight once and for all so she'll know not to cross that line in the future. He should have never mentioned it to you and yes she's trying to break you up.

My SD (27) went to her dad with foolishness about me "not liking her" and her dad brought it to my attention. He even started throwing it at me when she screwed up. So I blew up at him and reminded him that he should have never listened to the foolishess and that it was her who had been petty, mean spirited, disrespectful, rude, etc. The writing was on the wall at this point. I also told him not to ever mention it to me again. He realized the error of his ways, and apologized.

He recently told me that based on her actions, she's clearly unhappy he got married and he's disappointed with her. So he now sees her for who she really is.

Good luck.

I try to find a positive among my SD toxic behaviors, like when a pic of me showed up in an album online that she thought was her big show-me-up and it was three times bigger than any of SD... so kind in her face.

I also agree that your husband wasn’t showing great judgement in telling you about the contents of that letter. The problem here is between DH and his daughter and you are just a convenient target. Is he aware that his daughter is highly resentful of you and that this dynamic is quite common among adult stepdaughter’s particularly? It almost seems like he may (wrongly) be giving some credence to SD’s complaints rather than seeing them for what they really are—a deliberate attempt to make dad question his choice in a mate and come to his senses and leave you.

It is a good opportunity for your husband to have that difficult conversation with his daughter that while he loves her very much she has no vote in who he married. Many men have difficulty screwing up the courage to confront their adult daughters about the primacy of their wife in their lives. I think some of it has to do with dad’s view of their daughters as cute little girls well into middle age; cute little girls who would never entertain such manipulative ulterior motives.

I say why can’t dads see their daughter’s behaviour as it is, and still love them and help them through it? It’s quite normal to feel jealousy and competition when dad remarries. Dad, give your daughter a chance to be human instead of keeping her trapped in this idealized version of what you think a daughter should be. And don’t throw your wife under the bus to maintain that false view. It is his problem and he would do well to address it now before it escalates; which it always does if not confronted.