I have a 26 YO SD, still going to college. DH pays for tuition, books, insurance, cash advances as needed. I'm a distanct #2 on DH's list but I've reconciled to that. I've disengaged from their weird relationship. I refuse to cook for SD. If DH wants her to come over for dinner - he shops, cooks and cleans up. He's not happy about it but that's the deal. There were too many times SD acted out during family meals or holiday dinners that I prepared and never a thank you to the cook. My DH is driven by guilt. Guilt about his Ex's parenting and bad behavior, guilt about being a part time parent, guilt about SD's troubled life. It never ends. The only thing that I can do to remain in the marriage and keep my sanity is to take a big step back from SD and from SD's and DH's relationship. Maybe you should disappear when she comes for a visit? I tell my DH that it give him one on time with SD. You could go see your family or friends. Work late, work out, just limit your time around them?
Gynne

Just kidding. What a piece of work she is. I agree, disengage, tell him it's up to him to prepare the perfect meals for his darling. Maybe infant formula would do?

Yeah, tell them to suck on that!
Glynne

Holy grown brats - I thought we would be done at age 30 at most! Help!!!!!!
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Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale
Her infinite variety.

William Shakespeare, "Antony and Cleopatra", Act 2 scene 2

Think it's high time her own husband was taking care of her and was made aware who is bankrolling their nice life. After all, she's all the woman she's going to be so where will it all end? And YOU should be number one in your dh's life, not her!

I agree a fun holiday for you would do you the power of good. Also, every time she comes over to the house, make sure you have a bunch of your friends or family there for support. Sounds like she's getting far too comfortable and needs reminding to act with some courtesy and respect. What's wrong with her helping with the washing up?? And as for her month long visits, well I think you must be a saint. This parasite needs dealing with and fast.

Do I sound hard? Well I make no apologies. I've lived with being ignored in my home, dirty looks and gestures when the 25 yr old sd thinks I'm not looking and countless other examples of ignorance I could mention. My husband was quite happy to let it continue as long as It wasn't affecting him. So now, I have my friends around, we do our thing and I have other interests. In other words I have disengaged from the daughters and my dh when they are around. I think my husband has got the message at long last. Or at least until the next time...

Well, this is the place to vent, right? Good, because I sure need to vent. I'm so boiling angry, I'm going to blow a gasket! The youngest SD, age 35, is a lazy leech. She lives on her own (only because I won't let her leech off us) in welfare housing. She is a single mother of an 11 year old daughter. Over the years, we have helped her get a house, credit cards, paid bills for her, bought her food, bought clothes for her daughter, given her rides, babysat, etc etc etc and the list goes on and on. She has taken money and things from every one of her family and friends. She has never offered to help us with anything and when she comes over for meals, she sits on her ass unless someone asks her to do something. Her mother signed for a car for her (because we wouldn't) and so she bought an $18000 fairly new sports car, which she let her teenage welfare boyfriend and his friends take for a joyride and they totaled it. She also got fired from a good job because she was messing with another teenage boyfriend at work after she had had a warning. This girl is not dumb. Of course she lost the house we helped her buy. Now she "works" part time, about 8 hours a week. The problem is that my DH always feels sorry for her and so now, he goes and picks her up (because of course she has no car) and brings her over here to "work" and he thinks she should be paid. I would never ever have taken money from my parents to help them, especially if they had given me all the money and help we have given her!!! And it's not that my parents didn't offer me help, I just felt that I didn't need it and shouldn't take it from them, that I should take care of myself. My DH and I are always in knock down, dragged out arguments about it and I am so sick of it. Also, I had finally said to my DH that I'd make a deal with him. He could give her his old pickup truck if I would never have to hear about giving her money again for anything. Now here we are again back where we were. She didn't get the truck because she hasn't got the money to register it, but that's another story. The point is, I told her he could give it to her to end the feuding. I am just so sick of it! My DH has many serious health problems and is still working, I am and always have worked full time, and I don't like being used. I'm really getting ready to walk out on this crap. I have not worked hard all my life to support this loser.

I think that you have just foretold my future. When I married DH 17 years ago I told myself it was okay to be 2nd and support DH's efforts to parent SD, she was 9 YO. I always and still do supported DH's time with her. I honestly thought that as she grew up I would be an involved supported and respected stepparent. DID NOT HAPPEN!! I'm still 2nd in DH's life and always will be. He and SD have such an enabling guilt driven relationship I can hardly stand to be around it and in family and friends company I'm embarrassed by it. But it is what it is and I've disengaged. She is not my problem and I keep my distant and I'm okay with that. DH is hurt and frustrated by my position but I'm okay with too. If he wants to ruin her life by enabling her so be it and as long as I can live mine and not be too adversely affected by it - I can deal.

Glynne

SD is coming to live with us. How do you deal with the same kind of SD from the above posts when she lives with you? She's coming this spring with her baby and 2 pit bulldogs,one weighs 70 lbs the other 100, they sleep with her. She lived with us 5 years ago when we were first married, and never lifted a finger to help with anything. She had her hand out constantly for money and DH never said and never has said no.She is draining us and we're going to end up with no life savings. DH is getting close to retirement and we'll have nothing. He refuses to discuss any of this and is looking forward to her and baby coming to live with us. I have never dreaded anything more.

I have noticed with my husband, much of the problems with his daughters bad behavior is because of him...

My husband is going to be able to write a book on this subject in about a year. He told me his ex cheated on him for years and even tried to kill him
yet he chooses his slutty foul mouthed daughter over me as he wants me to conform to her lifestyle and ideals and thats not going to happen.
By the time his daughter and his ex ( her mother) are through with him... he will be singing the blues. I even found his daughters myspace page how she goes on and on how much she hates him...

but he chooses her.
What a fool I married. I'm wayyyyyyyyyy to good for him, apparently.

geez what a bad day and I'm sick on top of all this.

My situation is pretty similar. I will say that as wife #3, DH wants this to work so he is willing to compromise. I have learned to change how I approach the topic of his 2 totally loser offspring too. I'm a huge advocate of family counciling. It really helped me deal with some of the stupid crap that's been shoveled my way by his kids. His daughter 34 is the worst though. An absolute bitch in my opinion. DH gets defensive when she comes up and ALWAYS defends her. I've learned to not bring her up.
Like me, most of you probably thought that the whole step family issue wouldn't really be an issue since these stepkids are adults. Wow! Could we have been more wrong??? Hang in there and keep trying. It may get better.