17 year old Stepdaughter is pregnant!
Hi I'm a 29 year old women with 2 teenage stepdaughters. To give just a little back round, my husband and I have been together for 7 years, he's 36 and married for 5 years. We have no children of our own. The girls live with us full time and do not go to their mothers because her situation at the time makes it hard for her to actually keep them on a regular basis, which is fine with me. I like the girls to be where they are the best provided for. I love the girls, we have our issues, but anyone with teenagers, stepparent or not, is going to have a difficult time.
In August the 17 year old started to get a little of a gut (she is a very petite girl) and I thought it was a side effect of her birth control and her eating habits, but by the beginning of October her stomach was way to big to be that and we confirmed she was pregnant.
I went through such a crazy range of emotions. From being sad, depressed, and pissed to happy and trying to see the bright side of it which is so hard to do in this situation. I have expressed my disappointment in her, but told her I will be here for her and the baby but also there are rules and limits to my support. I am so scared for her because she is a immature 17 year old and I don't think she has any real clue what is about to happen to her. She has never worked or put a dime in gas or insurance in MY car that I let her drive because overall she was a good kid and making good grades this year, so I am so afraid of the outcome. I'm scared for my future and my marriage. She's 7 months pregnant.
What is the most upsetting about this is the fact that I held off my life and gave up a lot of my 20's to give the girls a good life and a nice home in a nice area and I never wanted to bring a baby into the family and take away from what they needed. I didnt want them to resent me and a baby. I couldn't live like that and even though I wasn't going to try to conceive a baby with my husband till next year, I can't help but feel enraged with her! That with all the love and advice and support I have given her through the years that she would be so careless and not think about anyone else's life she would be affecting. I have always told her to come to me if she needed anything and I would help her. I'm trying not to make this about me because I know also she must be going through a lot, but I just don't see that with her. She's in a good mood everyday and never seems to be worried. She and her BF are looking at baby stuff on the computer and talking about baby names. I know some will say you sign up for the kids and all they bring, and I know that and it's not like I've packed my bags. I was upset at first, but now I am planning a baby shower and even bought the crib and bassinet for her room.
I just cry for myself because I wanted to have the first baby in my home with me and my husband, not his 17 year old daughter!!!! Everyone says you have plenty of time and that you will have your baby when the time is right, but now it just seems that the time is never going to be right. I probably sound like a spoiled baby, but I think my emotions are justified? I don't know what to think anymore. I know a baby brings joy to a home and I already love that baby, but I'm still having a little of a hard time with my personal emotions and sometimes just want to hide in my closet at home.
Please, some help or advice from anyone is greatly appreciated.
:sick:
Thank you for your advice.
Thank you for your advice. We have talked to her about this being her responsibility and my husband and I agree we WILL NOT raise this baby or make this easy for her. My husband knows how I feel. He knew what I was thinking the moment we confirmed the pregnancy. I just hope he sticks by his word and she sticks by hers because I love my husband and want to support and stay strong for him, but I have my limits. I still want things for me.
Thanks again
Oh I'm so sorry! I can't
Oh I'm so sorry! I can't imagine how difficult this would be. We had a pregnancy scare with SD17 last year. Luckily she was not, because I don't think I could have handled it. Especially with the way she treats me *ugh*
I wish all of you the best of luck! What are your SD and her BF planning on doing? How old is he? Does he have a job, will they try to get their own place? Will they end up living off gov't cheese forever, or do they have some sort of plan?
Thanks, the SD and BF are
Thanks, the SD and BF are planning on finishing school this year. SD plans on finishing early. BF (hes 17)is starting the steps to be an EMT and then on to a fire fighter. His parents are good parents and want their son to still succeed in life and also take care of his responsibilities. As for the SD I told her she HAS TO get a job and continue her education after the baby's born. So their is a plan set in motion, but I am still scared that she is not capable of handling this and it's only going to get worse. I told my husband she has a limited amount of time to get things together and she needs to take HER family and raise her son with her BF somewhere else then under this roof.
Thank you for your kind
Thank you for your kind words. They mean so much at this difficult time with the husband and the SD. I had bought her Christmas present early and so I told her I would sell it and with the money get her stuff for the baby, it's not about her anymore. She is responsible for this baby and what the baby needs. She needs to get a job and buy diapers and guess what? If her job only covers diapers and gas to get to work, so be it. She will have to make due with the clothes, shoes, etc. she has in her room now and say goodbye to all the fun little extras she used to have and the places she wanted to go. All that is over. It's time to grow up and grow up fast. Fun time is over. It's adult time now.
I will not give up anything for this, I told my husband I won't do it. I still need my life or I think I will go crazy.
Please don't put your life on
Please don't put your life on hold because of your husband's children. I've heard many women complain about not having children because their husbands already had children from their previous marriages. You and your husband planned, waited and are doing things the right way. Your stepdaughter is in for a huge shock. Don't let her and her boyfriend use you as a stepping stone to take care of them and then their babies when you should really be continuing to plan your own life. It is good to be there for them, but not to be used by them. Don't stop your life for them, because if you do, later on you'll resent them for that. Continue to plan on having your own family, but now you will also have a grand baby in the family.
I think I would sit her and
I think I would sit her and her BF down, lay out what the responsibilities of parenthood are and give her a move out date prior to delivery of the baby. Sorry, but when young adults want to play hide the sausage they should both have to step up to the responsibility and suffer the consequences of their decision. Neither you nor DH should be saddled with the responsibility and expense of their conscious decision and poor judgment.
And NO! You are not selfish.
She should go .... now. Not to say that you should not be emotionally supportive and should not help financially if you choose to help financially. However, you are not obligated.
IMHO of course.
Best regards,
^ This^. If they want to move
^ This^. If they want to move out and raise it, that's that mattress man. But if she wants to stay in your house and continue to live off the tit, she can give the baby to someone stable. There are tons of loving 2 parent families with only infertility as an obstacle, not being 17, and having NOTHING going for them.
Honestly this is my worst fear for my kids. I don't think you sound whiny at all. This would disappoint me beyond words.
My daughter was pregnant at
My daughter was pregnant at 17 with LoserGuy. She was so in love and they would see this thru even if all the owrld was against them blah blah blah.
His mother threw them a baby shower. Sorry, I thought it was unneccessary and made a joke out of the circumstances. Neither of them earning enough to keep a roof over their heads and a girl JUST graduated from H/School. Baby shower? To celebrate what? Another unmarried mother?
And along came my grand daughter. She was born on my late grandmothers birthday which said saomething to me.
In time their relationship fell apart and she moved in with us. For the next 16 months she got herself on her feet. All the time she was in charge of her daughter. I helped out esp when my daughter was sick or needed help. But ultimately SHE was in charge.
She grew up fast but she is so great now. She shares GD 50/50 with the father. She has a new boyfriend who is so good for her and he treats her the best ever. And GD? A bright smart adorable copy of her mother.
I agree with the other posters. They need to make a plan and they need to move out. She has to find a job and find daycare. He has to pay CS. If they intend to live together they need to make plans now, not later.7 mths pregnant means she is tired and doesn't do much. And like my daughter she will find all the friends who think this is so cool evaporate away once there is a crying child who cannot be consoled.
If she lives at home she is responsible for ehr daughter. If she doesn't intend working she will have to take care of the housework.
She has chosen to be a grown up and a grown up she will be.
As for yourself? Your life does NOT go on hold because she chose to literally screw up. Go ahead and have YOUR baby. Someone really needs to tell your SD a few home truths about being a teenage mother. Pregnant and 16 doesn't really cut it. A crying baby doesn't stop for TV ad!
Stop buying stuff and make your SD face reality. Neither of them will earn the money to provide all the extras. My daughter learnt this the hard way.
I just don't get it. With
I just don't get it. With all of the birth control out there HOW is this happening? Why do these "children" not understand how serious this is? I condone you for wanting to help with this baby. I could not do it. My future step girls are only 6 and 8 - there mother was 17 when she had the first one...she now - at 27 is pregnant and unmarried without a steady job again...she is a bottomfeeder and thinks she does not have to work. We have had a million talks with the kids who walk around and pop our their bellies - they lay on the floor with their legs spread and scream, "I'm having a babbbbbyyyyyyyy" - they have told us their momma told them they can have babies when they get a good boyfriend. - I asked them how old you should be - they replied "in high school like that show on TV" what the hell are these little girls watching that MTV "16 and Pregnant" show for...? I already made it clear...to the girls...and my FH - if either one of those girls come home in highschool...or before they graduate college...or before they have a job where they can raise and financially support a child by themselves - they will NOT be permitted in my home. And my money will NOT be used on raising yet another child who is not mine. Forget it. Maybe it is time to put "fear" in these kids.
I don't get it either! She
I don't get it either! She was on birth control, the shot. I think she must of not waited when she got it and thought she could immediately start having unprotected sex with her BF. The girls were 7 and 10 when my husband and I started dating and their BM got pregnant with a guy she was only dating a couple months 5 years ago. She didn't work for 3 years and lived with her mom. BM's BF doesn't work and they have been evicted from there apartments 3 times over the years and finally she had to go back and move in with her mother. She's been working for 3 years now, but with a child and only her small income she can not help with the girls financially and does not have a place to take them. So basically it feels like this whole burden falls on me as a stepmother. Even though she is stepping up know and helping with what she can, it's not going to affect her life like mine. This is not happening in her home and she doesn't seem to be as upset about it as I am. She was pregnant at 18 with my SD and I also have had a million talks with the girls about this happening and the perfect example of not what to do is their BM. They saw how hard it was for her at 31 having a baby and my SD said she didn't want kids. I can't believe she was so careless! And just last night I over heard my SD's talking about having babies and that she doesn't want anymore after this one and that she wanted to have a baby at 25. My nephew said my mom had me at 30 and both the girls said that's too old to have a baby! I wanted to go in there and slap both of them!!! Are they that naive to think that waiting till you maybe have finished school, have a career and a home to have a baby is not okay? I mean I am 29!!!!!! It scares me to death to think of having a baby without having everything I need to provide a good life for my child. I have seen too much with being a stepmom what happens when people are not ready or too young and what happens to them and worse their children. I don't even want to be around when they talk amongst their peers about this situation. It disgusts me and makes me even more upset.
Ugh---One of SD's favorite
Ugh---One of SD's favorite shows was that damn MTV show. Stupid television.
Guess what, she got pregnant RIGHT AFTER turning 16. The father was 18 and BM was attempting to get statutory rape charges on him any chance she could get.
The difference in OUR situation, is that SD still lives with BM while trying to finish high school. And because BM has all the control, we never get to see SD or the grandbaby.
I have nightmares that this
I have nightmares that this will happen to me! Right now SD11 lives with her mother, but I can see the writing on the wall and I told DH I will not be a grandmother raising SD's kid the same time I'm raising my own kids. It's just a matter of time. I feel so bad for you. Stay strong!
My wife got pregnant with our
My wife got pregnant with our son (my SS) when she was 16. She had him a few weeks before her Sr year of HS started. She graduated with her class and went on to an accelerated BS program so that she could provide for herself and the kid. We met shortly after she started and married the first week of her second year.
She caught BioDad cheating on her with a 16yo during the last semester of her Sr. year. When she confronted him BioDad abandoned her and the kid in a grungy travel trailer that they had been living in on the back of my now IL’s farm to run off with his 16yo GF.
Though my wife and many other single teen moms step up and do a good job for themselves and their children, there are many that should think of nothing but putting the baby up for adoption.
IMHO of course.
As for the MTV shows 16 and Pregnant and Teen Moms, I watch them. Not regularly but I do catch an episode periodically. Those shows give me an opportunity to see what my wife may have dealt with during her 16 and pregnant/teen mom years.
Obviously those young ladies should not be considered examples to emulate as far as getting pregnant at 16.
Best regards,
IF there are concerns about
IF there are concerns about whether to keep the baby or put sweet baby up for adoption, may I suggest pairing SD with a teen mom in your area. Maybe check with a local hospital or high school to see if they have any programs for teen moms and go ask one to take your SD into their lives for a month or so. Kids can watch those stupid shows on TV and think they can do better, but I think it takes real life experience to make them "see the light". Teen girls tend to think of the "cute" part of mothering..the cute little outfits, the cute little crib, the cute little comforter for that crib. They don't think about the 3 AM feedings, the projectile puking, the sick days, teething, colic, diarreha diapers and all the other gross things that our beautiful little babies do. I remember being the same way. All I ever wanted out of life was to be a mommy. I was 26 years old when I had my daughter and I can remember thinking (on one of those horribly colicky nights) "What the HELL was I thinking? Why in the world did I think I could handle this?"!!!
I know a handful of ladies that were teen moms, and for the most part, they magically turned into wonderful, responsible, loving, amazing moms and adults. But, if you ask any of them if they would do it again-every one would tell you that if they could have the same kid, but waited a few years, they would have waited.
I have calmed down a lot in
I have calmed down a lot in the last week. I still get mad when I hear her talk about her baby and just stupid things that she really knows nothing about. I get so pissed that this girl I have done so much for and held off having a baby with my wonderful husband who has wanted a baby for so many years; that I kept telling no no we need to hold off for the girls and the family financially and emotionally....and she get's to have this before me!
I can't live in that dark place everyday, it's so easy to stay there in this situation, harder to see the light but I have to for my husband and most of all for ME. After reading all of your posts and thinking about it I told my husband that my plans for a baby are still in motion. I will try to conceive as planned right after my 30th birthday and we will start the process now. I have my conditions that my pregnant SD needs to be out of the house in 1 year and be a family with her son and BF. I will not have a baby with my SD17 and her son. I have my limits.
I can't help but still feel sick about the fact that my SD is having a baby before me and that my husband will have a grandson and a son/daughter close to the same age!!! I never thought of this for my life and still question if this is what I really want for ME. I am scared that she will be at the door with the baby one day and say daddy we need you or we need to move back in or if she ever leaves at all!!!! I have worked so hard for my life and we have done well and it drives me crazy to think it all can collapse in a matter of time.
Your SD has had her chance to
Your SD has had her chance to be a child and to be nurtured at the family tit. It will be your child's turn and that should not be corrupted by SD's poor decisions.
Not to say that SD should not be part of the family. She should, after all your baby will be her lil bro/sis. But, she needs to be out of the house making her own life, raising her own child and not interfering with your child's turn at childhood.
IMHO of course.
IMHO, somebody this age has
IMHO, somebody this age has no business being pregnant. There are soooo many different forms of b.c. out there and some of it free, there is no excuse. If you think you are old enough to screw, then you are "old enough" to make sure you take the proper precautions and make sure you understand how to successfully take whatever kind of b.c. you are on. It's not that hard! I've been on the pill for almost 10 years now, I take one every night around the same time, and what do you know? I havn't gotten pregnant, go figure! Shit like this really pisses me off, because there are married couples out there that are in love, have a stable relationship, good jobs, a lovely home to provide a great life for a baby and some of them struggle with infertility. Then it seems like any 15, 16, or 17 y/o can get pregnant in the blink of an eye bye someone they barely even know....It's terrible. I would think if I were someone struggling with infertility, I would get very frustrated with situations like that. It seems so unfair.
Anyhow, good luck to you in your situation, I hope everything turns out for the best.
I agree with this. My DH was
I agree with this. My DH was "fixed" after SD14 was born because BM was terrified to do it. She didn't want more kids. (Thank GOD!) I struggled with my choice to be with DH because I'd always wanted to have a family of my own. I chose to take DH's kids into my heart as my own, as BM was nowhere, & they needed a mother-figure. Of course, the moment she came back into their lives they had no use for DH or I. It hurts to know that I will never have children to love, but it's a choice I made. Circumstances were different when I made it, but...it is what it is.
My soon-to-be 16 year old neice is due in February with a child she's decided to give up for adoption. It's so hard to hear about her progress & see her pregnant pictures, etc & know I will never have that.
I'm so glad, for her & for her child, that she's chosen to give it up to a couple ready & excited to take it into their home & their lives, but it still just hurts to think that it comes so easy...too easy...to these children who just don't care about what they're doing.
I am so truly very sorry to
I am so truly very sorry to hear about your situation
I'm sure it must be terribly difficult for you to go through seeing your niece having a baby and not being able to have any of your own. These girls don't realize what a wonderful special thing they just let "happen" and how it craps on the whole idea of having a family with someone you love and are comitted to.
She was on Birth Control but
She was on Birth Control but not smart about it at all... obviously. One of the hardest things I've had to do was call my friend to tell her the news, she is a married women a wonderful person, educated and beautiful. Living in a wonderful area by the beach with her husband and can not have a baby. I know it had to be so hard to hear me tell her that my SD17 was pregnant.