I don't know if anything can help at that hormonal crazy age. My SD was told by BM that she couldn't date until she was 16. Her dad said she couldn't date around HIM until she was 30! Well, she had a baby at 16 years old. So I guess that didn't work so well...

I understand your fear and I am right there with you. My DS13, almost 14 has a girlfriend who I think is much more 'knowledgable 'than he. I keep a close watch on it.

It's new territory for me and very scary. they just have no idea how life altering the consequences of their actions can be.

My stance is and has always been to teach them right, keep informed and give them small manageable pieces of independence. And open communication. I honestly think the open communication is the key. So far my son is very comfortable talking to both me and DH about things, I'd like to keep it that way.

I've always felt you can't stop them from doing everything. You can only arm them with proper teaching and information and hope they make good choices. I tend to think it's unrealistic to tell a child you can't date until a certain age. Hormones are hormones and I dont' want to push that underground and have them sneaking around.

I allow DS to go to group activites, the movies, well chaperoned events. I try to limit time that is unchaperoned.

It's scary !

I think 13 is too young. We set rules of 15, but that doesn't work either. They sneak behind your back and do it anyway.

I totally agree with cell phone limits. We do the same thing with the internet connection in the house and cell phones are collected like prision if there is misuse after hours.

I'm wondering how you know this girl lost her virginity?

This is a tough one and I think it depends on how much "trust" (lack of a better word) you have in your child. I would not trust my SD13 at all with any boy. She tells my BD11 that she just kisses boys because she can and she likes it. Dad is blind and thinks his baby girl would never do anything wrong; but.....I say - given the opportunity - she would take it. I believe maybe at 13 almost 14 dating is okay with rules still. I wouldn't allow them alone in the house or anything. But talking and what not seems okay to me; thank god my daughter hasnt' asked yet!!
Good luck

My son is 13 and he is not allowed to "date" until he is 16. A date involves picking a girl up and taking her out. He is allowed unchaperoned time with guy friends (movies, etc.) as long as I trust that he is honest with me about who is attending. He is allowed to have his "girlfriend" attend things with us, hang out over here, etc. But only if a parent is present.

He doesn't have to be okay with my decisions, but he does have to abide by them.

HOWEVER, as a SP... I'd be stepping so far out of that situation I'd disappear. Whatever DH has planned for his kid and dating can be implemented and enforced by him. He can ask for my input, but it would be unfair of him to make me set and enforce those types of rules.

A 6th grader (12 years old) here in town just had a baby last week. I'm not messing around when it comes to my kids "dating" at that young of an age.

Just because setting an age for dating is 'old fashioned' doesn't mean it is wrong. Girls are getting pregnant at younger ages now too...any correlation? I say talk with your wife, set an age where dating can begin and until then NO unsupervised visits with someone ofthe opposite sex. You already monitor his phone (good) so then monitoring who he spends time with shouldn't be any different. The girl prob thinks she is letting him do what he wants to do. The boy prob feels since she is 'experienced' that HE looks dumb by not going along with her. Both are not ready for anything like this and neither want to admit it. I couldn't date til high school and see nothig wrong with that.

I forgot to add.... My SD13 went to my mothers work (skating) and she caught her making out with some boy she just met their......WOW gross; I would have flipped a lid. daddy just said; now that's not good behavior........ There's no use

The part about the long shower being the clue to dating made me laugh! SS13 has just started showering regularly and voluntarily and fulfilled my DH's prediction that as soon as he got interested in girls his personal hygiene would dramatically improve! First of all, I know that ideally we want our teens to be happpy and popular, but show no interest in the opposite sex until they are at least 18(!). I haven't been through teenagerdom with my own 2 children who are 3 and 1, so it can be difficult to get your bearings on what is reasonable and normal, and how to manage teen dating, so I am also finding my way through this with SS13 and SD14. These are my thoughts:

To highlight the positives in your situation.
1. SS told you openly and honestly that he had got a girlfriend. Already you are streets ahead of us. My husbands children have been worryingly underhand about their dating on the assumption that their parents would disapprove, or they would be teased or interrogated endlessly. We have been working to break this cycle with SD14 who has recently moved in with us. Last week during a family discussion about the importance of openess and honesty I told SS13 I knew he had a girlfriend, that was fine, he should feel able to talk about that if he wants to, and she is welcome in our home if he wants to have her over. He was a bit shocked and sheepish.
2. Your SS seems to have had difficulty socially, dating may do wonders for his confidence and sense of acceptance.
3. It sounds like he may be meeting the family over Halloween, to me the best kind of teen dating you can hope for is the kind where they are doing social activities that include friends and family.

I would not place too much importance on the text messages, unfortunately teenagers in the western world are growing up in a very sexualised culture, they talk the language of sex before they even understand the implications. I also know from some frank discussions with SD14 that many posture and present themselves as far more experienced and aware than they really are. If you look on a lot of teen Facebook's you will find them posturing as vamps and lotharios, when in reality they are far from it.

So, to your questions: Dating...When? How much freedom? What rules? What Consequences for breaking the rules?
When - 13/14 seems to be pretty standard these days for dating to start. I think it's difficult to swim against the tide on this without shooting yourself in the foot and alienating the teen. My husbands second eldest(now 20) asked her Mum if she could go out with a boy when she was 14, her mum said no way, SD never asked again, she just began dating behind her back. We are taking the approach that the most important thing is that they are open about it, and we are sufficiently reasonable and relaxed for them to feel able to talk to us, so we can offer some advice and guidance, and put some boundaries in place which we can all abide by.

Rules and consequences - In terms of your approach, I say this as someone who is also tragically unhip when it comes to teen sexuality and worries hugely about the whole issue, I think you need to try and relax a bit. Worst case scenario is you and your wife end up pushing SS away at a very critical time in his personal development, and lose the ability to influence and guide him. Try to think how you felt at his age. You can't prevent him being interested in girls by restricting his phone usage or not letting him go out, but you can try to teach him how to give and expect respect in a relationship, talk to him about not taking things too fast, and put some reasonable boundaries on his dating in terms of frequency, appropriate venues and curfews. Shopping centre, cinema, home, coffee shop are appropriate venues as far as I am concerned. We are now very strict about the children being where they say they are going to be following some serious problems with SD14 (hence her moving in with us 10 weeks ago).

Try to trust him unless he shows he can't be trusted, rather than not trusting him from the start - but talk to him about that and make it clear that his freedoms depend on his behaving in a trustworthy and responsible manner. Also try to get him to bring her over, I found when SD actually brought a boy to the house I stopped thinking of him as The Enemy and saw he was an actual person. I hope all this waffling is of some help!

Dh swears that kiddo will not date until he is 18. I tell him good luck with that but ok i digress. When I was 14 i went out on my first date with a boy from my earth science class. He was about 16/17 I guess. My parents were livid and tried to forbid it. Eventually that turned into my dad going on the date with us - to the movies, where he sat a few rows behind us. I was mortified and never went on another date with the boy again. Its my dads favorite story to this day. The moment that my parents stopped supervising my dates/time around boys i immediately lost my virginity. Teenagers are stupid. Watch him like a hawk.

We monitor everything we can. I have the password for my son's facebook. I check it every few days. Our 12 year is not allowed yet. No dating until 16. No exceptions. Definitely would not be at a function with someone of the opposite sex. I just let my 15 year old have his first group date for Homecoming and that was with 20 kids. There is no way at 13 they are ready for it. Be the evil step dad it is better than being the complacent step grandpa...

I think a thorough education in sex is in order which will include the penalties in your area for statutory rape. Don't emphasize that just let it be known.

Truth is usually the best route and don't forget to include the girls parents in this dilemma. They probably think their cute little girl is still playing with dolls.

If you don't let him go anywhere or "date" then he will just lie to you about it and sneak around. I think the best approach is open communication about what is/isn't appropriate and monitoring. I know it doesn't seem like making out at 13 is appropriate in the least but I don't think there is much you can do about it. I know SS was all over girls at 13 and all we could do was teach him about safe sex and try to keep our eye on him. Well, he is now 18 and no babies so at some level I feel like we were successful. PLUS - teenage girls are SO aggressive and forward these days!! Holy cow! I used to read SS's text messages and I couldn't believe what the girls would say! And I'm in my late 20's so I feel like I'm not THAT out of touch. For the record ----- I was totally making out with boys at 13. It just wasn't that hard to find an opportunity and looking back I clearly liked the "I took a bath in my cologne" thing.

I get a tickle when a kid that young calls it "going together" My DD and SD are both 13 (stb14) and talk about their friends "going out" with so and so. I always ask where they are going.

My girls are not allowed to date yet, but they are allowed to talk to boys. DD still kinda thinks boys are for friends, but not boyfriends. SD, I think she is boy crazy to a scary extent. I think each kid is unique as to the dating subject...some kids are just more mature than others.

The only thing we can do is talk to them often about the whole birds and bees issue. They aren't "dating" yet, but they can be in a situation just like your SS...at the movies, making out in the dark (I think I just threw up in my mouth a little). That's where we have to step in (step parent or not...sorry). There is a level of self-respect, but when the hormones are jumping around...that self-respect takes a beating. Just talk to them and try to prepare them for the possibilities in each situation.

I love limits and boundries. Our daughters have the same limit on their cell phone (not necessarily "before 9AM"), they have to be off the cells by 9 PM...weekends are more leinient. My DD earned a FaceBook page, but also had to fork over her password--with the knowledge that if she changed the password, she wouldn't have a FB again. I also do "surprise inspections" of her FB page/friends. Did one just last night as a matter of fact. Now...we can't help what other kids say or post, but I can have a say in what my child says back or if she responds to something inappropriate. I had to high-five her after the surprise inspection because of her good online behavior.

Be strong KT375...kids are supposed to think their parents are stupid or lame (or even "hate" us from time to time)...that just means we are doing something right!

My SD13 has been "dating" for a couple of year, even though it was not permitted. You can't relaly stop them from calling eachother "boyfriend and girlfriend." Which is really all it was at first. Over the past two years it has quickly escalated. She goes through boyfriends super fast, but has no problem making out with every one of them. She lies to us all the time about who she's going to be with and where she's going to be. We have reason to believe that she's been having the current boyfriend come over after school while we are still at work. I am at my wit's end with this kid. We've taken away cell phone and face book and as of right now she's not allowed to go anywhere, period. But that can't last forever. And she tells us all the time that our rules are too much for her to handle and she's going to keep lying and sneaking around until we change them. She actually comes right out and SAYS THAT!

So, my advice, stay in control of the situation as long as you can. If you have a kid who will listen to the limits you give him, then you are lucky! And make limits! I'd say no time alone with a girl, period. Start with chaperoned dates. That's the way it should be.

I think dating for 13y old and up is tough!! My SD13 has been with us FT for six months maybe. She has kissed a boy in a closet; snuck out with a diff one; had 6 boyfriends of all diff races and is now being tagged on FB as hoe, slut.....WONDERFUL.... :jawdrop: I try to tell daddy but; in the end it is, "Why are you so involved...." OMG maybe because I don't want to be a 35 year old grandmother.... As of last night; I will bite my tongue till it bleeds.....focusing on MY OWN daughter... Good luck

HI WE R GOING THUR THIS WITH OUR 14 YO, OCT 30 WE LET HE GO TO A GIRLS HOUSE THAT WAS HAVING A PARTY,WE MET HER MOM,WENT INSIDE THERE HOUSE AND EVERYTHING BUT MY SS MET HIS GF OF 3 WKS THERE AND THATS WERE THEY KISSED SO OBVIOUSLY THE MOM WAS WATCHING THEM. WELL WHEN WE PICKED MY SS UP WE MET HIS GF'S PARENTS ,WELL THE GF'S MOM ALREADY KNEW ABOUT THE KISS BUT WE R JUST FINDING OUT TODAY.I CALLED THE MOM THIS MORNING TO ASK WHAT IS GOING ON SHE IS SUPPORTIVE OF THIS WHOLE SITUATION BECAUSE SHE DOESNT WANT HER DAUGHTER TO SHUT DWN AND NOT BE OPEN WITH HER BUT I FEEL THAT THESE KIDS R TOO YOUNG FOR THIS MESS THEY DONT KNOW WHAT LOVE IS. SO TO YOUR QUESTION I PERSONALLY THINK THAT THEY SHOULD BE 16 BUT THEY R GONNA DO WHATEVER THE HELL THEY WANT TO DO.SORRY U R GOING THRU THIS. IT IS SO HARD TO BE A SP