Horror Stories!!
I've been on this site for some time now, usually taking a few weeks break before coming back onto it, usually when a rant of some kind is needed.
A while back i started to get panic attacks and suffering from serious anxiety, none of it made any sense so i turned more to this site for some reassurance. Now while its great to share and find other people in common with you, can it not also have a negative impact on you at the same time. It was only after a while that i realised i was getting myself so worked up over all the negative experiences of people on here that i forced myself not to come on for a few weeks. Even now i find i can only stop by briefly.
Whilst i know its healthy to have realistic 'views, expectations and knowledge' of step parenting, does anyone else find that it can also be damaging? I cannot quite verbalise everything that i mean, but sometimes the negativity from this site can have a detrimental affect as to what i know most of do not intend it to be so!!
I think it's all in how a
I think it's all in how a person takes it.
If you use this site to justify your bitterness, you will wallow in it.
If you use the site to get validation, you can probably find it - as long as you don't get blasted by the trolls.
If you use this site as your view of reality, it is going to be skewed to the negative. This is a site where stepparents come to vent which means it will predominately be negative views that are listed.
I do not think the cause is
I do not think the cause is any of the above, as i feel only a handful of people on here are here for those reasons.
For instance its the prospects of what the future might hold, to be told some of the horror stories on here, it puts the fear of god in you. You start to think that if its going to turn out like that then why should i try and be positive about the now. Rather than concentrating on the good parts of being a step parent. Taking pride in the little things, doing something in the now that will hopefully soften whatever bad happens in the future... it can be disheatening and demoralising at times and yet so releasing and comforting at others.
I agree, I just found this
I agree, I just found this site in the last couple of months, and while it is a great place to come and vent and know that others have the same problems and feelings that I do, I too have been wondering lately if coming here is also adding unnecessary "fuel to my fire" so to speak.
I feel almost like I am a meaner/less tolerating person now when it comes to Skid and BM crap, maybe because I feel "justified" now that I know there are so many of us??? I'm not exactly sure how to put it in words either, but I think I totally get what you are saying. :?
Confusing isn't it?
Confusing isn't it?
I get it also. BUT I'm also
I get it also. BUT I'm also starting to see a very clear pattern with those that ARE in very bad places. And it's sad but I can make more sense of the vents now.
I agree. I tend to find
I agree.
I tend to find myself here in times of frustration, or wanting an outlet when there is no one else in human form to talk to.
I have also thought before that if I am angry, or (please insert emotion here), that depending on what I read, it will either fuel my furious fire, or make appreciate my situation.
I think as long as we all understand that there are so many variables, take away with you what is useful, forget about what is not.
I undrstand what you are
I undrstand what you are saying. But, if it starts to make you angrier, then yes, stay away for awhile. For me, I use it more to get advice on what I am doing wrong. It helps me to know that others have done this and try not to make the mistakes they made. It certainly made it clear that I need to have no communication with BM. Disengaging from SD would not have happened and would have ultimately led to my divorce. I am grateful for it. I only come on when I need to vent or give advice to someone else that may have problems and I may be able to give some advice.
You have to take it with a grain of salt and use it however it benefits you. Everything is better in moderation.
I couldnt agree with you
I couldnt agree with you more, there really is nothing more stressful than being a step parent, and the crux of it is.... the lack of control and the feeling of someone else being in charge of your puppet strings.
If i should be unfortunate to split from FH then i would not get into a relationship where kids are involved, however hypocritical that may be (given i have a BD, but no BF to worry about in this case). I fully expect to have high blood pressure in a few years... :O
I have developed high blood
I have developed high blood pressure, depression and anxiety, and diabetes (type 1 - diagnosed at age 36!) since I've been a SM. I didn't even have those problems when I was a SINGLE mom raising my son with no CS or any other kind of help from his dad.
I also had a pre-existing condition made worse by stress that I only had to take meds when it acted up (rarely) and now have to take those meds every day and heaven help me if I forget a day!!!
Doctor said that there was a strong possibility that the stress "shocked" my system into developing Type 1 diabetes at a later age than normal.
I have also developed hives and severe allergies even though I've never had allergy problems my whole life (i.e., severely allergic to my cat but worked in a vet clinic without problems when single mom...)
Yes, the wonderful stress of it all...
I am in THERAPY because of
I am in THERAPY because of this feeling of powerlessness. For years I put up with a Bipolar Nutcase SO, I live thru the unexpected deaths of my parents 3 months apart, and I ran an Accounting depart of a failing company for years....but this farting, hand flapping, slug of a child push me over the deep edge????
Yesterdsy, my therapist and I were talking about when I really went down hill this year...it was when the kid was out of school playing with himself in the bedroom (while watching Shirley Temple on Hula, proabably with his mouth open and drooling). The kid admitted to the Therapist he played with himself alot....so I have good reason to be sying this. But it just really creeped me out. I can't even explain what I felt like...its just F'ed up.
With this kid my entire life is being controlled..it sucks. What is worse is that for the first time ever I am turning to eating.
^^I have developed high blood
^^I have developed high blood pressure, depression and anxiety, and diabetes
add me to that but minus the diabetes and add weight gain arrrgh
Wow Crayon - you have had
Wow Crayon - you have had exactly the same two previous men as me except luckily I didn't marry no2. I agree that this is worse. I also agree that being a single Mum with full time care (father went to live miles away with G/F) was easier!!
I have become depressed lately. I have lost self confidence and my optimistic outlook. I already had breast cancer 18 months ago. I have started taking pills sometimes to get through and I am really worried about that.....Haven't ever told anyone about that.
Yep about 4 years ago I
Yep about 4 years ago I stepped away from a site similar to this b/c I wasn't getting close to my skids b/c all I heard was to disengage and I was doing that too much. I came back b/c I am in a good place and can balance it now.
I stay becuase ive finally
I stay becuase ive finally gotten over the 'I care what the BM thinks' thing. I've disengaged from that side of things and can now enjoy life again and be happy with a very special man that makes me more happy than i could ever have wished for.
She is not worth the tears, fear and anxiety.... that is why i personally stay. It was my mental attitude that had to change in my circumstance, i cannot speak for others here...!!
Totally hear what you're
Totally hear what you're saying and decided to really think about it. Here's what I personally came up with regarding this site:
1. So nice to know that I'm not alone and others are experiencing the same difficulties.
2. I have learned so very much about PAS/BM's/Skid's in general.
3. So many highly intelligent people that are willing to help.
4. So many GREAT quotes and lol's (which I consider personal therapy).
5. It was/is a crystal ball. There are so many others that have done it before me and longer than me, (the "Step Seniors" if you will), that gives me insight into what the future holds for me in this department.
6. Others relay current/difficulties or problems that they are dealing with and what they are doing as solutions/ideas, which I can choose to try for myself.
7. If I had found this site prior to my becoming a Step, it would have helped me make a more informed decision before getting into this type of situation.
8. It gave me personal power against my BM. At the beginning, I thought I had to do whatever she said or decided on at the time. I now realize that I have control over my own household and skid on my "our" time.
1. Mean people (sometimes).
2. Sometimes people don't put in the title that they are "venting". I am a solution oriented person, so I WILL offer advice unless this "venting" is stated at the beginning. Sometimes they just want to vent. So I wish that if they are just venting, they would state that as the 1st word of their post so that people know that and it wouldn't cause contention. I think everyone understands a "just wanting to vent", and they would leave it be and commiserate instead of upsetting the poster by offering advice or opinions. Naturally, people are going to try to help by offering advice/opinions.
3. If you have an opinion that disagrees with a post, then the original poster feels "ganged" up on or "bashed".
4. People equivalate the word "discipline" with abuse.
5. Old school vs. Peace/Love/Happiness types. Old school is more tough love then the Peace/Love/Hapiness types think the child should rule the world and not be accountable for anything b/c they are kids.
6. Posters write a small blog/paragraph and another poster "fills in between the lines, according to what they think", (which may or may not be true), but JUMP first, instead of asking for the rest of the story first. Then the original poster is automatically put into defensive posture....and now you have people jumping to defend, conflict, etc. And alot of times, that isn't even the case of the original poster.
7. The perpetual victim: for lack of a better term. These are the people that have no intention of coming up with a solution, or take advice to fix their problem and will continue to be a doormat, and yet still expect sympathy???
8. Alot of BM being on site-blaming. The majority of Steps actually have children too, which means there will be a two sided spectrum of opinions when the posting Steps are in reality, just looking for a Step spectrum opinion and then they accuse so and so of being a BM, which in essence: they probably are. Which is okay if you can understand that and in turn they can understand your position. Unfortunately is not usually the case.
Being a Step is incredibly frustrating and alot of times you feel victimized and powerless. So, I think it stands to reason that there will be ALOT of negativity going on here because the trials and tribulations of Step life is not all sunshine and lollipops. I am wondering if it is the site making the high blood pressure/diabetes/ailments or the actual personal situation of the step or both. Everyone feel free to add or delete to this as I know there is more, but I only have 16 hours to put into this, lol!
>>>>>>>>So, to wrap up my long story...my advice would be, much like any other advice out there: Take what you want and throw the rest away.
No doubt. I follow the "Take
No doubt. I follow the "Take all things needed and leave the rest" approach to STalking.
Best regards,