I agree with humberside.

DH is doing his daughter no favors by allowing her to be like this. He is the one that needs to make the changes, before anyone else does. If he doesn't change, she probably won't.

As for the family counseling, I don't think that should be optional (for her). I think that it needs to be the first place you all go to once she has been picked up for visitation. Perhaps she could benefit from individual counseling as well.

I think that you and DH need to come up with some basic rules for everyone in the household and consequences if they are broken. DH can do the talking, but you should be there too. DH needs to be the one enforcing consequences and rules.

He needs to have a talk with her in a comfortable setting for both of them, and tell her that she doesn't have to love or like you, but she has to treat you with the same respect she'd show a teacher or a coach.

Sounds really tough. First off, is your partner willing to do counseling? Even if he is not willing to make his kid go, what about him going with you?

I have been a SM for 3 years, and just married my DH last month...so now it is official.

We have 50% custody, so the issues are really different. My SDs are 6 and 10, so the three years I have been in their lives are a much larger part of their lives. It has taken a lot of work, but my DH is STARTING to set some boundaries with his BPD ex wife.

In my first few months dating my now DH, I insisting on us seeing a therapist and the kids seeing a therapist, period. I insisted on the kids seeing a therapist after their BPDmom, who likes me and respects me and admires me and hates me and fears me, accused me of letting her 3 year old daughter fondle my breast. NOT!

He said yes, but did not get around to it...I interviewed over 50 therapists that took his insurance and made a short list of ones that 1) saw kids and 2)were experienced dealing with people with BPD or personality disorders. The kids started seeing a therapist, who was nice but NOT great at dealing with BPD mom (she could see that we were telling the truth, and was sympathetic, but could not really understand the complexity of the issues and parentification that was happening...she wanted to keep seeing the kids, but told their BPD mom that "they were fine, for the most part," which caused BPD mom to say, "Great, then they do not need therapy," and she pulled them out.

After a few months, the kids started sliding again toward mom's crazy way of seeing things, and mom made some totally random and out of the blue accusations of me being abusive, and my DH was not willing to force the therapy issue. At that point, I started seeing a child psychologist both to get some feedback on what is going on and to document issues, as well as to get suggestions about how to handle that stuff. I recommend that you see a therapist about this stuff, even if your partner and SD do not want to.

I agree that it should be required for SD14 to see a therapist. I agree that visitation should be enforced--I think if there is a custody order that is specific enough, you may be able to get a court order enforced by the sheriff or police rather than the court. But it all boils down to whether or not your mate is willing to insist.

I found that at first, my mate had major self-esteem issues as a dad. Or culture tells dads they are not important, that it is not worth conflict to see the kids. BPD/NPD moms seem to capitalize on that and, with viscous campaigns to alienate their kids from the other parent, often intimidate dads into abandoning their kids.

But if mom is mentally ill, listening to D14 to decide how important visitation is is really abandoning your child in a hard time. You and your partner I assume have a relatively healthy relationship. It is important for his child to SEE how "normal" people relate, in my opinion. She needs visits with you guys.

I would not be able to be with my mate if he was not working on these issues. It is slow. He sometimes wants to see a therapist, takes 6 months to get around to it unless I make the appointment. But he works well in therapy and it has really gained the confidence to take in his daughter's repetition of mom's alienating comments, to see that she is just a kid struggling with a hard situation, to not take it personally, and to set boundaries without being scared of his kid's or her mom's reactions.

I have a different attitude about my role as a step-parent than many people. I have worked with kids and difficult teens for most of my adult life. So I feel confident in my own ability to set boundaries. I feel that it is better for me to deal with my relationship with the kids, and dad to deal with his. Big decisions about the kids' lives are his to make, but if I am having a problem with the kids, I do feel that it is up to me to deal with it. My DH backs me up. I would not be willing to live in a house with children if I had to go through my mate to make them stop something I do not like. We talk and make sure that DH supports me and I him, and if he does not, he lets me know and I adjust. But that is rare.

Once you have an established pattern, it takes a little more work to change things. We all have different morals and values about the role of step-parents and step kids in a family. As for me, I would not be with my mate if I did not have a good relationship with his kids, and he feels the same way. It is just too much to ask someone to be torn between the kids and their mate, and just too disempowering for the step-parent to not have peace in their own house.

I think it is possible for your relationship to change, but your partner would need to prioritize you and he and his child having counseling and working on it. Also, you would need to work on learning how to set boundaries with your SD in a way that is not petty or hurtful, to be true to yourself without subtly putting anyone down, and if you cannot help but do this to SD's mom at times, an apology is in order IMHO. Insulting people's moms is notoriously bad form.

I feel that honesty about the difficulty with the kids' BM is essential to my good relationship with them. But I use honesty to mean truth about MY feelings, not about what is wrong with mom. If I comment about mom, I try to be as neutral as possible, to not do it in anger, and to use specific behavior not judgments in conveying what I see as difficult.

Talking about the kids' mom's difficulties is something I do when the kids and my relationship is at its best, not its worst. It is just too scary having a crazy mom and having to defend her to your step-mom. It is like someone you do not trust seeing the worst part of who you are and making fun of it. Ouch.

But I think it is critical for me to be able to say, 'That does not feel good to me when you yell at me or say mean things to me." or "That may be how it is at mom's house, but in order for me to want to help you with that, I want you to ask in a nice/respectful way." Or, "This is my house, too, and if you are going to talk that way, you need to be somewhere I cannot hear you, like your room our outside."

But then your mate needs to back you up. If this can be done without making SD feel like she is bad and wrong, all the better.

wow , sounds like my ex. She is the queen of narcissit. My word is caution. He has to be on the same page as you. You are one now. He comes first in your world and you should in his life. What the evil BM tells his kid should not effect your future. It is you and him FIRST. The daughters wants/needs should be heard but not to be spoiling her. My best advise is you have to be on the same page. I don't deal with all the drama my ex use to throw at me. She use to use every trick to get to me. I don't let it bother me. I know people like her don't change. So, why put so much energy to change things ? I pick my fights VERY carefully. As long as the kids are safe,healthy,clean , and have food, that is what is important. Do I wish things were different, sure. But, again people like her rarely change their spots.Good luck on the couseling.

I don't know if this is the issue in your case, but in mine I get very frustrated with DH as he gives in to all requests from BM and SD/SS, even if it comes to skipping court-ordered visitation (which happens quite a bit). His rational is that he doesn't want any more fight with BM and he doesn't want his kids to resent him.