tried and tried to get along w/ SD8...
I've tried to like and get along with, and now I've reduced myself to simply co-existing w/ SD8 because I gennerally DONT DEAL with her type. I do understand that she's a product of her BM primarily and her over-compensating dad - AKA my husband. One of the problems that I've identified is that she was raised to be involved in everyones business except her own. That would be fine except that it isn't in the sense of child-like curiosity. Its the sense that she's owed a response...as if she and I are on the same playing field.......AND WE'RE NOT! She's the child and I'm the parental figure. I don't try to be her SM. I don't even try to be her friend. At this point, I simply co-exist w/her and practically ignore her. I barely talk or look at her. At this point, I don't care nor do I feel guilty in any sense. Had I known that she and her father were going to be this way I certainly would not have remarried. I do feel tricked to some extent. I'm a bit pissed too. I explained to him last year that she is going to be the reason that we divorce and he'll allow it. He didn't understand what I meant at the time. I think he gets it a bit more today than he did last year...but I believe that he's either in denial or is watching my moves regarding the situation.
All I know for certain is that I've put all the energy into her that I feel that she's worth, given who she's being raised to be. Bossy, bitchy, completely owed something, rude to my BD, sh*t-starter between her father and myself...I dunno. I don't think she's worth the effort. Passes off half-assed info as absolute truth, then when I call her on the BS she's like a deer in the headlights. Some of it is, I'm sure, just 8 years old being 8 years old. But the majority of it is 8 years old being 40 because her BM doesn't have time to raise a child.
I'm just pissed and I always hate having her around. Really.
When he and I talk, she feels the need to interject or comment after the fact as if it were her concept. I was raised where adults are talking kids don't. Clearly I'm the only person between myself, my husband, & BM that believes that should be the case. See... BM will spend time arguing w/ SD8. I don't argue w/ children because they're children! And we are not equals (adult. Child.)
I dunno, this is the first 8 y.o. That I've truly disliked as an adult.
First, you are not a parental
First, you are not a parental figure at this stage. You are another adult. Just like a teacher or the principal in her school.
Ask your DH if she is not permitted to interrupt at school and intrude in everyone's business, why is she permitted (sounds better than allowed) to do this to you?
Point out that by allowing her to behave like an adult means he is robbing her of being a child. She is entitled to be a kid and not an adult equal. That should get the point across. HE is 'depriving' her of her 'childhood'.
And now Miss Buttinski ... if she interrupts, stare her down and say "I am speaking to my husband right now. You can talk later." And turn away from her so she doesn't see your face. If your DH gets all defensive and the SD cries and makes a fuss, look at him and say "She needs to be a kid and do kid stuff. Not involve herself in concepts she can't understand." He will likely tell you how mean you are. Smile and walk away. Personally I would tell him that I feel my ovaries withering every time he permits her to behave like this. You don't really feel like anything but sleep.
She wants the upper hand. She wants to know her father is not about to leave her. She gets in your face because she can and knows you aren't going anywhere.
Are you able to arrange a trip for you and your daughter for about 12 days? Just tell him you are visitng friends and will be gone... preferably the next time he has his daughter for a few days. Let him stay at home and see how life will be without you around.
It makes me really angry the way these men dwell on their kids and allow their wives to be treated so badly.
Good luck. Some children are just not likable. Either you learn to manage her or you live apart from your husband.
I feel the same way...kids
I feel the same way...kids need to just "go play" or something...including my own! I always find it really odd when SK's seem to think their place is to hang with the adults? I'm always thinking to myself "does it bother anyone else that he's sitting here?? Like why doesnt he GO somewhere??" it just bugs me. But then again, it seems my inlaws do everything pretty much the polar opposite from how I'd do it. Esp just the simple fact that I would freely TELL MY kids to go play! God forbid anyone say anything so 'horribly mean' to that kid!
God, no kidding! SS11
God, no kidding! SS11 seriously follows DH around all day long, and it really irritates the crap out of me. I told him to "go play" a few times, and every time it turned into him crying and running to his bedroom. Then I'm the bad guy because DH is "flattered" by his creepy kid following him around all the time. I'm like, fine, if you don't have a problem with him not developing his own identity and opinions without it revolving around you, I don't have a problem leaving for the rest of the day until the Skids are asleep. Peace out.
Thank you all for the
Thank you all for the perspectives that weren't mine. I tend to look at me and analyze my responsibility in said situation...and thise are the times where I need an outside perspective. Thank you all kindly for your references and excellent sense. I was genuinely hoping I wasn't feeling too outrageous with this situation.
"Shootingstars" made VERY valid points. (Thank u). I believe that you are correct with regards to me being the aduld and not blaming/anticipating SD8 to ruin my marriage. Yes, I absolutely look down on DH's way (or lack of) parenting. I have accepted that it isntr my style of parenting and that I don't have a need to compensate with my BD. It is frustrating to see the constant double-standard between both of our girls (that doesn't exist as far as he's concerned). And this weeken, I've opted to be in my bedroom whenever they are in the livingroom. I have found it easier to remove myself the their presence because I really can't stand their interaction. Some of the things that comes out of her mouth are...I dunno...annoying. Either that or I can't stand to hear her speak because she also has no 'off' button for her mouth. Talking for the sake of talking. Annoying to me. Of course, I wasn't raised that way. Not questions to enhance an understanding. No...questions about things that she JUST saw on tv (for example) and are simple to understand. Just so she can answer her own question and agree with the andswer DH gives her. WTF! I have to remove myself, because if I say 'hey, put it together. You just saw it, right? Was it really difficult to understand?' Deer in the headlights look and I'm the bitch because I called her on some simple sh...crap to show that every thought you have does not have to come out of your mouth. We ALL have had that conversation and DH wants to hear everything she has to say. I don't. I explained to DH that I'm not dealing with what is unnecessary. A lot of her behavior and mannerisms I have deemed unnecessary.
Oh. Her last visit allowed me to place sh*t-starter in my mental file of her. Dinnertime: my BD eats before SD8 and eats everything and leaves. No prob. SD8 comes down, hardly ever likes what I cook (stopped caring last year) and didn't eat the veggies. DH said its okay, and wasted veggies to trash. Fine. BD asks for dessert, I say ok. I say to her its fine as u ate all ur food. DH comes down and says SD8 has something to say to me. Fine. What? Well, apparently, she heard me tell my kid she's okayed for dessert...unwasted food...enjoy' and that made her feel uncomfortable.she (SD8) knows she wasted her fOod.
Here we go: clarification: I wasn't talking to you. As far as I knew u were upstairs w/ ur dad. And u thought I was talking to you - as you didn't see my face nor was I lookin in your direction - and u went upstairs and told ur dad that I made u uncomfortable. Ya. At that moment, she cemented herself -to me- as a trouble maker. There was no apology for her 'misunderstanding' DH mostly reinforced that its good she told him and if she feels uncomfortable talking to me initially, its okay to go to him (because remember, he wants to hear everything she has to say).
At least I now know the kind of mess I'm dealing with. And honestly, when she's not here the whole house is in harmony.
I ran off on a tangent. Sorry.
Thank u all for your thoughts and suggestions ('Stepmonster'I will look for that this weekend. Thank you)
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you all for the
Thank you all for the perspectives that weren't mine. I tend to look at me and analyze my responsibility in said situation...and thise are the times where I need an outside perspective. Thank you all kindly for your references and excellent sense. I was genuinely hoping I wasn't feeling too outrageous with this situation.
"Shootingstars" made VERY valid points. (Thank u). I believe that you are correct with regards to me being the aduld and not blaming/anticipating SD8 to ruin my marriage. Yes, I absolutely look down on DH's way (or lack of) parenting. I have accepted that it isntr my style of parenting and that I don't have a need to compensate with my BD. It is frustrating to see the constant double-standard between both of our girls (that doesn't exist as far as he's concerned). And this weeken, I've opted to be in my bedroom whenever they are in the livingroom. I have found it easier to remove myself the their presence because I really can't stand their interaction. Some of the things that comes out of her mouth are...I dunno...annoying. Either that or I can't stand to hear her speak because she also has no 'off' button for her mouth. Talking for the sake of talking. Annoying to me. Of course, I wasn't raised that way. Not questions to enhance an understanding. No...questions about things that she JUST saw on tv (for example) and are simple to understand. Just so she can answer her own question and agree with the andswer DH gives her. WTF! I have to remove myself, because if I say 'hey, put it together. You just saw it, right? Was it really difficult to understand?' Deer in the headlights look and I'm the bitch because I called her on some simple sh...crap to show that every thought you have does not have to come out of your mouth. We ALL have had that conversation and DH wants to hear everything she has to say. I don't. I explained to DH that I'm not dealing with what is unnecessary. A lot of her behavior and mannerisms I have deemed unnecessary.
Oh. Her last visit allowed me to place sh*t-starter in my mental file of her. Dinnertime: my BD eats before SD8 and eats everything and leaves. No prob. SD8 comes down, hardly ever likes what I cook (stopped caring last year) and didn't eat the veggies. DH said its okay, and wasted veggies to trash. Fine. BD asks for dessert, I say ok. I say to her its fine as u ate all ur food. DH comes down and says SD8 has something to say to me. Fine. What? Well, apparently, she heard me tell my kid she's okayed for dessert...unwasted food...enjoy' and that made her feel uncomfortable.she (SD8) knows she wasted her fOod.
Here we go: clarification: I wasn't talking to you. As far as I knew u were upstairs w/ ur dad. And u thought I was talking to you - as you didn't see my face nor was I lookin in your direction - and u went upstairs and told ur dad that I made u uncomfortable. Ya. At that moment, she cemented herself -to me- as a trouble maker. There was no apology for her 'misunderstanding' DH mostly reinforced that its good she told him and if she feels uncomfortable talking to me initially, its okay to go to him (because remember, he wants to hear everything she has to say).
At least I now know the kind of mess I'm dealing with. And honestly, when she's not here the whole house is in harmony.
I ran off on a tangent. Sorry.
Thank u all for your thoughts and suggestions ('Stepmonster'I will look for that this weekend. Thank you)
Thank you all for the
Thank you all for the perspectives that weren't mine. I tend to look at me and analyze my responsibility in said situation...and thise are the times where I need an outside perspective. Thank you all kindly for your references and excellent sense. I was genuinely hoping I wasn't feeling too outrageous with this situation.
"Shootingstars" made VERY valid points. (Thank u). I believe that you are correct with regards to me being the aduld and not blaming/anticipating SD8 to ruin my marriage. Yes, I absolutely look down on DH's way (or lack of) parenting. I have accepted that it isntr my style of parenting and that I don't have a need to compensate with my BD. It is frustrating to see the constant double-standard between both of our girls (that doesn't exist as far as he's concerned). And this weeken, I've opted to be in my bedroom whenever they are in the livingroom. I have found it easier to remove myself the their presence because I really can't stand their interaction. Some of the things that comes out of her mouth are...I dunno...annoying. Either that or I can't stand to hear her speak because she also has no 'off' button for her mouth. Talking for the sake of talking. Annoying to me. Of course, I wasn't raised that way. Not questions to enhance an understanding. No...questions about things that she JUST saw on tv (for example) and are simple to understand. Just so she can answer her own question and agree with the andswer DH gives her. WTF! I have to remove myself, because if I say 'hey, put it together. You just saw it, right? Was it really difficult to understand?' Deer in the headlights look and I'm the bitch because I called her on some simple sh...crap to show that every thought you have does not have to come out of your mouth. We ALL have had that conversation and DH wants to hear everything she has to say. I don't. I explained to DH that I'm not dealing with what is unnecessary. A lot of her behavior and mannerisms I have deemed unnecessary.
Oh. Her last visit allowed me to place sh*t-starter in my mental file of her. Dinnertime: my BD eats before SD8 and eats everything and leaves. No prob. SD8 comes down, hardly ever likes what I cook (stopped caring last year) and didn't eat the veggies. DH said its okay, and wasted veggies to trash. Fine. BD asks for dessert, I say ok. I say to her its fine as u ate all ur food. DH comes down and says SD8 has something to say to me. Fine. What? Well, apparently, she heard me tell my kid she's okayed for dessert...unwasted food...enjoy' and that made her feel uncomfortable.she (SD8) knows she wasted her fOod.
Here we go: clarification: I wasn't talking to you. As far as I knew u were upstairs w/ ur dad. And u thought I was talking to you - as you didn't see my face nor was I lookin in your direction - and u went upstairs and told ur dad that I made u uncomfortable. Ya. At that moment, she cemented herself -to me- as a trouble maker. There was no apology for her 'misunderstanding' DH mostly reinforced that its good she told him and if she feels uncomfortable talking to me initially, its okay to go to him (because remember, he wants to hear everything she has to say).
At least I now know the kind of mess I'm dealing with. And honestly, when she's not here the whole house is in harmony.
I ran off on a tangent. Sorry.
Thank u all for your thoughts and suggestions ('Stepmonster'I will look for that this weekend. Thank you)
NYM...for the record, my
NYM...for the record, my perspective is the same as yours. I know full well that if you leave the disciplining to your H, then there will be no discipline, and there will be an even more noticeable "divide" in your home because YOUR daughter does have boundaries. I fully understand that SD is annoying, regardless of whose fault that is or how much of it is "normal" 8yo stuff, and that identifying H as the person you really have the problem with, still doesnt solve it. As you mentioned, the only time things are strained is when SD is around. So aside from the fact that it's H's inability to "do it right" or to your liking or whatever, the fact remains that if it wasnt for SD, your household would function just fine. I know that you arent thinking of "whose fault it is" when you simply vent that your marriage would just be better if he didnt have SD. I live it. I know exactly where you're coming from. You (and I) dont need anyone to feel sorry for the SK and point out that we are adults (without feelings?? doubt it, but ours dont count to some people). I find that very contra-productive. Anyways, I'm here to validate you and tell you it's ok to feel frustrated and vent things that you already know sound harsh to the haters.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Okay..this is a venting
Okay..this is a venting weekend I guess.
DH just stroked SD8 because apparently, I'm harsh.
Again with SD8 talking for the sake of talking....'My skin itches' DH asks me if there's a remedy. I look at both of them and give my solution. As I'm talking they begin a new conversation. I say 'hey! Are you listening?!' DH asks who I'm talking to, as I reply both of you. I direct SD8 to go wash and see if that helps. As she leaves, DH tells her'its alright, calm down'. When she's gone I ask what was that about? He said it sounded kinda harsh what I said in his opinion. I replied that I thought it was rude that they started another conversation while I was answering a question. He said oh. Her skin maybe didn't itch at all. DH had a back spasm and was having a moment. She suddenly has itchy skin. Hmmmmm....
I'm from the mindset of fixing problems, I don't complain about them. Another example of her talking for the sake of talking. Disassociating and internalizng is the most functional thing I can do in this situation. I don't feel like I'm at a loss, I feel like I'm at a huge disadvantage. I don't feel mal about it. I'm just accepting of it.
Ha! Love it...my favorite.
Ha! Love it...my favorite. Ask a question and dont even wait for the answer. On with the next thing! Another good one is when H pipes in to "defend" SS for any and all things, you know, because we are on teams - H and SS against me and our BD's. For example, someone had given us some cookies but they had nuts in them. My girls dont really care for nuts, but I noticed that one of the cookies had been eaten? So I asked SS "did you have one of these cookies?" I was going to ask if he liked them, because he could take some home if he wanted to. BUT WAIT! H hears me ask, and before SS can even answer (or maybe at the same time?) H chimes in with "it's ok if he had one...there's plenty there...it's no big deal" as if I was CRITICIZING that the kid got into them or something?? H will say that the tone of my voice "sounded accusatory".....REALLY?? REALLY?? Not sure how that could be true when I could CARE LESS and wanted to give them ALL to SS??? WTF??
Cant stand it. Cant stand the dynamic between me and H when SS is around. Funny...H does NOT do that sht with our girls. And it's NOT fixable...H doesnt even acknowledge it is TRUE or in need of fixing! He literally claims to hear a TONE in my voice??? Somebody please tell me HOW that is fixable, other than just removing SS from the flippin picture?! (guess I just added to the venting!)
I hear ya!! Too many
I hear ya!! Too many instances of a similar nature over here! Yikes!
Thank you!
I can't believe your DH came
I can't believe your DH came and supported this 'confrontation' between you and SD8. I think I would be ice cold to him for some time after this as I am not sure what his motive is towards you in doing that?
I think you could completely tell him, if he ever takes her side against you publically like this again, you will start making your comments directly to SD8, ex. you don't need to say every thought you have, don't interrupt when adults are talking etc.
So if he doesn't want anyone else to provide guidelines for his daughter and he won't, then he is effectively forcing you to, since you have to live there and get along. So it is up to him. I have noticed that most of the SMs that are happiest here did not ask for authority, they just take it.!
Okay..this is a venting
Okay..this is a venting weekend I guess.
DH just stroked SD8 because apparently, I'm harsh.
Again with SD8 talking for the sake of talking....'My skin itches' DH asks me if there's a remedy. I look at both of them and give my solution. As I'm talking they begin a new conversation. I say 'hey! Are you listening?!' DH asks who I'm talking to, as I reply both of you. I direct SD8 to go wash and see if that helps. As she leaves, DH tells her'its alright, calm down'. When she's gone I ask what was that about? He said it sounded kinda harsh what I said in his opinion. I replied that I thought it was rude that they started another conversation while I was answering a question. He said oh. Her skin maybe didn't itch at all. DH had a back spasm and was having a moment. She suddenly has itchy skin. Hmmmmm....
I'm from the mindset of fixing problems, I don't complain about them. Another example of her talking for the sake of talking. Disassociating and internalizng is the most functional thing I can do in this situation. I don't feel like I'm at a loss, I feel like I'm at a huge disadvantage. I don't feel mal about it. I'm just accepting of it.
If my sson had been lead into
If my sson had been lead into the kitchen and he piped up that he felt uncomfortable that he missed out on dessert I would have said something like "Really? Well if you ate all your dinner you will get dessert." And turned away and kept right on doing whatever I was doing. She wanted to get between you and she did. Instead of addressing her complaint, you allowed her to manipulate the situation. It doesn't matter she overheard a conversation. She wanted dessert and felt it was unfair she missed out.
Next time she makes some inane statement ask her ... what do you think? EG: Why did the man get off the horse (TV show)... What do you think. "What is that man shooting the gun at the police for?" What do YOU think he is doing that for?
Or turn the tables and butt in on every conversation she starts with her father.
See! So H and I are talking &
See!
So H and I are talking & SD comes down and begins talking AS I'm talking to her father. He responds to her and then she leaves. I continue what I was talking about before I was interrupted and a minuite into it, she comes down again and begins talking...AS IM TALIKING!!!! H responds to her, then a text comes from BM telling us via my fone she needs to talk to her kid. Fine. I give my fone to H who finds BM's number to give to kid. As SD talks to BM, I explain to H that it is STILL rude to interrupt & interject into a conversation (indicating the previous conversations we've had about this). His response? Sarcasm. In addition to his acknowledgement that he doesn't know what I'm talking about and when did it happen. I said that I'm not surprised anymore that he doesn't know when that kinda thing happens-its the fact that its still happening. He says okay to shut me up and the got ready to go.
I have a good idea as to what I'm dealing with, it doesn't feel any better that I'm aware. Its annoying. It stings. Its bothersome. It shouldn't be happening, and yet, its permitted.