His manipulative ex-wife!
I am in a year and a half long relationship with a man who is finalizing his divorce from a woman who met someone on the internet and destroyed their marriage. He moved out from their house and her boyfriend dumped her 3 mos. later so she has done nothing but beg him back since. We live in a very small, upscale community of which she has told everyone within ear-shot that I am a stripper (I'm REALLY an Accountant) and that I am addicted to drugs. (Cocaine). They have twin 11 year old girls together and I have done the very best I can to help him with them. My daughter is 8 and for the most part, our families have blended quite well. When his kids are around me, they love me and can't get enough of me. When I attend one of their basketball games or a dance recital, they won't even acknowledge that I am in the room. At the last dance recital, he left me standing alone for 45 minutes while family took pictures (of the 4 of them together) and I literally stood back and cried as I was soooo hurt! His Mom still has their wedding picture sitting on her mantle and above the fireplace is a picture of their whole entire family (including her); down the hallway are pictures from cruises, their honeymoon and other numerous photos. (I'm told that while they were married, she got along with NO ONE in his family, refused to attend functions and was extremely hateful toward them.) It is very, very tough for me. His brother and sister-in-law are taking HER and the children to their boat-house this week-end. I have personally never been invited there....While I understand that everyone needs to co-exist for the sake of the children, he claims that his family is only nice to her because they are "scared" she won't let them see the children. (They have shared parenting so that part doesn't make sense to me)...His divorce has been taking 17 mos. so far. She has fought it every step of the way. Ohio is a no-fault state so the fact that she cheated was never taken into consideration; however, because I am around her kids, I was ordered to be psychologically evaluated, take the MMP and the Ink-blot test to prove to the court that I'm not a loon. The end result was that I am normal and she had psych. issues!!!!!
Common sense tells me to run but I really, deeply love this man. I am in turmoil...
Any advice? I've tried really hard to be the "bigger person" but it's a struggle for me because I see her manipulation and her lies and her torment and none of them do. My heart is so full of resentment and hatred toward her and it is a horrible feeling!!! HELP!
It will take time
My situation has similarities to yours. My Dh's family is a great group of people and would probably still be involved with BM of the youngest if she had not been so horrible to them not to mention what she did to DH. I endured countless conversations regarding BM for years while DH and I were dating. I finally got tired of it and said ENOUGH! I was so tired of hearing about BM every time we were together with any of DH's family so I just started walking away. When they would start the crazy BM stories I would just walk away and find someone else to talk to or excuse myself to the bathroom etc., they finally got the hint or just got tired of talking about it, either way I didn't and don't have to be a part of that. You don't either, keep your head held high and believe me they will see the light soon enough. A tiger can't change its stripes but it can hide well in the bushes. Her true colors will show themselves and you can stay clean of the whole thing. Maybe you could give some nice frames to MIL with pictures of your new family for them to display. Good luck hon, we are here for you.
~Evil
Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.
Confucius
Thank you for the response!
Everything you've said is so true!!! Lately, I've worked really hard to remove myself from every conversation that is related to her. It's tough at times as his whole family does nothing but talk about BM but then smile to her face, vacation with her etc. "for the kids." I'm baffled! No one in his family would even go with him to his divorce hearing for support because they didn't want her to get the impression that they were on "his side!" They are his family! Isn't it to be expected???
My biggest hope that I hold onto is as you said; She is who she is and she'll do something soon enough to tick one of them off.
I appreciate your response. This is a very difficult time for me.
BuggiesMom, I read you post
BuggiesMom, I read you post and almost cried! I have the same exact issue regarding my fiance's mom and I just can't wrap my head around it. It makes NO sense to me. My fiance's sister got a divorce about 2.5 years ago and about 8 mos ago, she threatened NOT to return to her parent's house unless her mother removed the picture of her and her ex-husband.
It's no secret my mother in law could not STAND my fiance's ex. When they were married, they were not even invited to my fiance's father's retirement party for fear of what family and friends would say (aside: my fiance's ex is white but more importantly, uneducated; my fiance's family has been in education for over 40years and are highly regarded amongst their peers). Nonetheless, it is beyond me, that after 3.5 years of being together and getting married in August,this woman will not remove the pictures off the mantle. She claims its because she has no other pictures of the SS was he was born (bullSh***- she has plenty). Additionally, my mother in law still buys this woman expensive birthday and christmas gifts! I have since taken to refusing her gifts as I see them to be insincere. Its so crazy to me, it's almost surreal.
My DH finally approached her about it and explained it's disrepectful to him and his current relationship and to remove it immediately. She lives in another state, who knows if she's done it yet.
What is this all about???
Alexis G.
I wish I knew!!!
However, you're one up on me because at least he defended you and the fact that you are being disrespected. My boyfriend "stole" the wedding picture off the mantle a couple nights ago and snuck it into the car. We were in the house 5 seconds and his Mother called, asking where the picture went. He told her that he didn't want to look at it anymore. She told him that the picture was there "for the kids" and asked him to return it. He told her he would but explained to me that he has no intentions. Now, just to get the other 50 pictures out of there and I'm in good shape!!! LOL!
See? To my boyfriend, I'm being childish and making a big deal out of some stupid pictures. That being said, if my parents were around (which they aren't, unfortunately) I would have taken them aside before the first time I took him over there (which, to me meeting the parents says alot) and I would have asked them to put the pictures away out of respect for him. He thinks I'm an emotional idiot. Personally? I'm divorced from my ex and there are reasons that I am. The LAST thing I want to look at are pictures of he and I on our wedding day or our honeymoon!!!
My parents are no longer around and my closest sibling is 3 hours away. It would be wonderful for me to have in-laws that I am close to, can go shopping with, to lunch with or feel like I can just stop by and say hello to them when I want. This is not an option for me because they still live their lives as if she is still their daughter-in-law and I'm just some flavor-of-the-month that their son/brother is dating! I'm good to him and his kids. I am honest with him, I would never cheat, I don't disrespect him and he means the world to me. They still choose her over me. It's sad and it hurts....real bad!
First of all....welcome to the site!
The resentment will probably never go away. It does heal with time though. I still get mad over silly things like text messages from the ex-wife but in general it will get better. The way to get there is with your BF setting up boundaries. It's hard when you enter the picture so soon (or during) a long divorce process. I met my DH right after his divorce so I've been there. Your BF needs to understand your feelings and be able to put you first. The ex isn't going to change. He can let her control his house and the two of you or he can step up and establish some boundaries. That's how to move forward.
The pictures and things hurt...you can't do anything about the ones hanging on the walls. You can however take new pictures of all of you and give his parents framed pictures as presents. These too will eventually replace the others. As for the recitals - MEN ARE STUPID. He doesn't know he's hurting you by doing that. Figure out what your boundaries would be. (I ended up not attending certain events for a period of time because the ex-wife likes to cause scenes...BIG ones. So the kids understood I wanted to be there but was missing the event for their peace). There's nothing wrong with going with your BF to his children's events but the four of them should not be taking pictures. Period. It gives the twins false hope that their parents will reunite. I'd get a list together of boundaries, things that hurt you etc...and sit down with him. Tell him the things you'd like to see changed and give him your list of "dealbreakers". It can be done. Good luck to you
Thanks for the input!
I have started my dealbreaker list as we speak and we've planned to sit down tonight! My sister tells me to run but I've invested alot into this relationship and I truly feel that some day my investment will pay off. I love his girls, too and I'd like to think he loves mine. I can't give up but at the same time, I can't be a doormat and I won't play seconds to her. He's a great guy and she screwed up her chance with him. She won't screw up mine!
Thanks again for your comments!!!
Sounds exactly like what we went through
Hopefully the lawyer fees will start to get to her soon. That is what it took for BM of youngest to stop all the appeals etc. Dh was paying for everything; first mortgage, second mortgage, insurance, etc.. down to the cable bill and having to live with family for a while to do it. Then she would have SD call and say that they were starving and living on peanuts! She was making as much $$ as he was at the time and they had only been married for 4 years! These women must feel that they have to torture these men in order to redeem themselves somehow. It's sickning. My heart goes out to you dear. Keep us posted on how it goes.
~Evil
Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.
Confucius
You are soooo right!
Part of the magistrate's decision was that they split his Fidelity account 50/50 and her attorney wanted an order for 10k for himself off the top...guess she's behind on paying him! We heard she borrowed $$ from her sister to get him paid up so he would file the appeal because he was refusing unless she paid up!!! She has a masters in nursing and makes 75k a year. She just rented a house in an exclusive neighborhood at $2500.00 a month and leased a BMW 5 series at $800.00 a month. She only brings home 4k a month but was banking on getting HUGE money from him. With utilities, insurance, groceries, her credit cards (she loooooves to shop), her massages, manicures and pedicures and her 19 year old that she's putting through college, the math just doesn't add up for me...She tells everyone he is a deadbeat and calls his family, telling them they only have crumbs in the cupboard. His mom brought it up to me and I told her that I think the idiot should be in a Saturn instead of a 5 series if feeding her children is an issue!!! She will reap what she has sown...when they were married, she would charge up credit cards 10k in a month, not have crap to show for it and then would hide the bills from him and he'd find out when collectors were calling. She is HORRIBLE with money and if he gave her a million today, she'd be flat broke tomorrow. She was married when he met her and cheating on her then husband, she cheated on him with "the next best thing" and I'm sure she'll do it again...I heard from a male friend of ours that she has a profile posted on match.com. I checked it out and it is quite laughable!! I pray to God she finds someone soon; which I'm sure she will as she will need financial support within a matter of months to maintain her extravagant lifestyle!
Welcome to the site
if you truely love him the way it sounds like you do hang in there it takes some men longer to figure somethings out than it does us woman. But also communicate with him how you feel. I had zero communication in my 1st marriage so this time around I hold nothing back sometimes feelings get hurt but we get over it and have a much better relationship because we are not holding things in that bother us.
Live for today,you may not have a tommorow
Thanks!
I agree about communicating. I tell him straight up how I feel and while he doesn't always agree with me or understand me, I let him know that these are my thoughts and feelings and I ask him to respect them. (As I do his). It's just depressing to think that I have a whole lifetime of this woman to deal with....proms, weddings, grand-children....the list goes on and on. She will never, ever leave us alone!!
I feel the same way about my
I feel the same way about my ex and dh ex and the fact that we have to deal with them forever. But just put on your happiest face when you are around her and never let her know she gets to you. You have the life she could have had and as I always say her lose is my gain
Live for today,you may not have a tommorow