If any of the stories on here are an inclination, it will when they get to be teenagers. It sucks, but it is what it is. We are step-moms not their moms. No matter what we may think.

I wouldn't say it always changes, but it has been known to happen. It seems to be in direct connection to how much influence their birth parent has on their lives and if they are vindictive and spiteful enough to work on a kid to the point that it happens. Maybe with you being custodial though, the odds are in your favor.

i have been a cusodial stepmom since my skids were 3,4 and 6. They are now 18, almost 16, and almost 15. Princess 18, went through a phase where she didn't want me to "mom" her. She turned back to her bio-mom, and after getting burned too many times, she has now "returned" to me and thanked me profusely for all the things I have done for her. She just mailed my parents the most wonferful letter, thanking thme for their love and support.

I'm thinking teenage boys- bio or skid- don't want any type of mom. They just want food and clean clothes to magically appear! LOL

My skids and I have a pretty good relationship, even though they get on my nerves sometimes. That doesn't mean I don't love them...

You can PM me if you want. I've been doing this custodial stepmom thing for a LONG time...

I was custodial for 6 years, until 2 weeks ago. SS stormed out and moved in with BM, and we are not speaking. I was his closest parental figure while he was with me - he barely saw BM, and SO isn't the touchy feely type.

So you could say my situation is your worst nightmare - I did everything for SS, treated him as my own, and honestly most people didn't realize I was the SM (a decent number of people actually *asked* why he called me by my first name, thinking I couldn't be the SM, considering how close we were). And now he has run back to BM because she'll let him do whatever he wants, whereas SO and I believe appropriate limits and boundaries prepare him for his future.

But here's the thing - I'm ok. I have no regrets.

You can't decide how to feel about the kids. They're kids. They need you. You do what you do. And your feelings evolve for them. You're not the bio, you're something different, and that's very special. They have a BM, and a BD, and they have you, and you can be whatever you want to be to them.

They are kids. They're selfish, foolish, unappreciative - but they're supposed to be that way. If they ended up in your path, do what you can do to help them grow. Feel as much as you can, and share as much as you can.

Don't worry about the future. Even if the worst happens, you will *not* regret what you've done for a child out of love and selflessness.

I speak from experience.

L

I was a custodial stepparent. Things turned to crap. SS goes to BM's 3 overnights a month (and thats when she's doing good). I say enjoy it. They may change, they may not. Don't worry while your in the moment, enjoy it while you can.

my skids are SS13 and SD11 (almost 12).. DH has had custody since they were 5 and 4.. and before that they came ALOT because they are inconvient to their BM.
Over the past 8ish yrs, I have comforted them when BM would up and move away and not say a word, I went school shopping with them, got them ready for school every single day, with a hot breakfast in their bellies, I have nursed boo-boos, given advice, done hair, nails, read to them, helped with homework and with problems at school... ya know every single little thing that a mom does for her kids..I have been fighting since SS13 was 4 yrs old to get him some help, (BM had partial legal custody and wouldnt sign anything)..BM signed off legal custody recently and I quit my job and busted my ass to get him help, had he gotten the help when he was 4 he probably would be in the position he is today.. (he was put in a residental psychatric treatment facility for a wk, he is now going to a partial school, took him to 5 different professionals.. all of them said to lock the other kids and us in our rooms, from the inside, get an alarm for his door and remove any and all weapons to keep us all safe from him, they are calling it a mood disorder, because they can not diagnose antisocial personality in someone 13) anyways I do not hate him, I do not like him very much though and he has earned how I feel about him, SD11 is up my ass 24/7.. I have been the only mom they know, randomly they would go to her house when she was around but no more than 4 days a month.. anyways now BM wants to be a mom (prob to impress her craigslist boyfriend), and they will not even call the house, they call their dads work, they will not email me, they will not chat with me on the computer, SD has a cell phone at her moms and she will not text me.. its not like BM cares that much, she is at work all day, and she never checks emails or texts...but they refuse to have anything to do with me, I expect this from SS, he is not a typical 13 yr old, but I didnt expect it from SD, and it is heartbreaking.. it has been almost 3 wks and she doesnt want to come back here, she will not even acknowledge my exisitance..

I know you addressed this to CSMs, but I thought I would chime in and just say that it's an interesting phenomenon how the minimally visiting parent somehow construes in their mind that they are actually some kind of real parent to these kids. My husband does this (he's had eowe visitation with his son since SS14 was born to his party pal/booty call). This kid is being raised fully by his BM, but my H is delusional and thinks that he has some kind of influence on how this kid is turning out. This sitch is totally different than the "broken family" type, who had established parental theories and roles before the carpet got ripped out from under. Nope. This was paternity testing, kidnapping, restraining orders, police, courts, fines...a complete fn disaster to be honest! There was never any coordination of anything between H and BM.

My point in saying all this is that there is a good chance that your BM thinks (or will someday) that she is somehow effecting the upbringing of these little girls. But the truth is?? YOU are raising them, and YOU will be the main influence. Will they reach an age where they may test your loyalty? Sure. Possibly more than once. But bio kids do this too.

The thing to remember is that what you are doing is wonderful, noble, great, and definitely best for those girls...but if the BM is in the picture, be prepared to be the 5th wheel when it's time for graduations, weddings, etc. and try not to feel offended. At the end of the day you are Not their mother, but it's ok for them to feel like you are "like a mother" to them and that's a nice title too.

I have been a custodial stepmom for a little over a year now (ss5) - your background is very similar to mine. Kiddo's mother sees him about 0 to 4 days a month and pays no child support what-so-ever. About the changing.. i dont know, I have had the same thoughts myself. Honestly, i am pretty sure it depends on the personality of your kids, how the bm is, and what your situation is... there is no 1 plus 2 equals 3 on that i dont think. My family is also very close and they ADORE kiddo - he's the only grandbaby so far and my mother and grandmother absolutely DOTE on him . Dont let anyone scare you... There are so many wonderful people on here (many of whom have already responded to your blog) who have not only helped me through many difficult times but who have also helped me accept certain things, mature in my situation, give me viewpoints from an older and wiser perspective (im 22..sometimes im a little slow in the maturity department LOL) and grapple with my feelings. I'm sure you will find many people here who will be a great help to you.

I have been involved with the boys for almost 10 years now. they were in Preschool and 1st grade when I came on the scene. Bm had left them with bf to chase after 'several' affairs. She was open about it and had admitted it to many.

She had very limited contact with the boys, did not show up at school events, did not drive the 2 hour round trip to get help for the oldest boy's educational needs, no shows for IEP meetings even after we had rescheduled them around her schedule multiple times. Declined to take her court ordered period of summer visitation with the boys, you get the picture.

She began around the 5 year mark to take her time with the boys but expecially the youngest son. She would often take just him but not the older boy. That is when the claims that I would call her names, yell at her began, issues with claims that we were not taking care of the boys by not getting hair cuts, it got really nasty with her leaving voice mails that were mean that the kids could hear and yelling at our other children on the phone.

She had gotten married and now felt that since bf had the kids by himself for 5 years that she wanted the boys to move with her for the next 5, when bf refused the court battles began and the false claims followed.

I had always made excuses for bm's behaviors telling the boys that she must have had to work and that she loved them no matter what. I was the one who would hold ss's while they cried when bm did not show up for visits. BIG MISTAKE. The boys had been protected from the real story about what was going on for so long that when she began to "pay attention" to ss9 she could do no wrong. We were not aware of the claims that she was telling relatives. She never expressed her concerns to bf other than to claim that I was a whitch that was going to kill all of them.

Heads up there is a very fine line between telling skids the truth about what the other parent is doing and crossing the line to alienation. We got stuck on this side and are now attempting to protect our family and reputation.