Your story sounds like most everyone here.

Type away and welcome to "the club."

"I almost think my children and I would be better off on our own, then feeling like an outsider for the rest of our lives. This is something that has got worse over time and not better."

You pretty much summed up my feelings. If it weren't for "love" I would've been gone!

"I think about leaving all the time."

I fantasize about this all of the time as well - ALWAYS looks SO MUCH better than the current sitch! Of course being a realist I know that it would have its negatives, but I am very much starting to feel the negatives of staying with H GREATLY OUTWEIGH the negatives of being a single parent again and simply co-parenting WITH him rather than PARENTING HIM!

Hang in there! It sounds like you are really at a low spot, but as someone who has been there and seen a lot of friends in the same place, I can say that I see a lot of potential and room for improvement in your family situation. You might be really surprised at how great things turn out, even in a short amount of time, when you have the right support and a workable approach to dealing with step-family issues. I think your situation is worth sticking out and trying your best to grow into.

There are a lot of things out of balance in your family and some basic boundaries that haven't been set yet and will do miracles once they are. Have you and your husband considered counseling? I'm guessing (and just guessing here) that you have all these worries, fears, anxieties and troubles that you think about and stew over in your own head and you try to deal with things on your own before bringing them up with H? I could be totally wrong, but you strike me as being very introspective and independent emotionally and maybe your husband isn't fully aware of your feelings or just how strongly you feel about everything? If it gets bad enough that you consider leaving with your kids, then it is pretty serious and needs to be addressed. Even if your H himself, doesn't have strong feelings or even understand your feelings, he needs to listen to you and respect what you express and take it seriously. That is the first step. If he thinks things are hunky dory or not so bad then it will be harder for him to understand your feelings. Talk to him and make it clear when you are expressing feelings and just need him to listen versus when you are problem solving and want his input and cooperation.

The situation has to change and boundaries need to be set with the BM. It may not bother your H, but it bothers you and that is enough to take it very seriously. There have been things that I have felt extremely strongly about, to the point of tears, and my husband just doesn't get it or understand. In the beginning this caused horrible fights because he thought I was just "overemotional" or being irrationally sensitive. It took time for him to realize that just because he couldn't empathize or even understand where I was coming from, it still was a big deal and as important as anything he felt strongly about. Even when he disagreed with me, he still needed to respect my thoughts and feelings. It took time, but he respects my feelings now and is careful not to do things that he knows will upset me (like agree to something with BM without consulting me first) even when he doesn't understand. In my case, H's opinions gradually came around to mine and he now completely understands and agrees with my early opinions on boundaries with BM, where in the beginning he didn't see why they were necessary. His reasoning was that he didn't give a shit about what BM thought, said or did as long as it didn't directly affect us. I, on the other hand, was very upset when BM crossed personal boundaries and did crazy things that were very inappropriate. H accepted that she was crazy and didn't care if she was telling people that they were married or that H and I were breaking up or trying to include H (excluding me of course) with stuff at her house and expecting him to spend time with her and do the things he did when they were together (like she expected him to do her taxes!!!). I could go on and on, but in the beginning there were a lot of boundary problems that bothered me so much that I considered leaving. H took me seriously when he realized how strongly I felt and we worked hard towards better communication and respect of feelings. He has seen how bad things would be if we hadn't set the boundaries that were so important to me, but now he fully appreciates them and is a boundary fanatic in some ways (much to my relief). He doesn't just follow my wishes as far as BM goes, he fully feels the same way and understands how important it is to put up clear boundaries with BM and not let her cross them. She is still crazy and can tell people whatever she wants, but now she knows that H and I are a united team and that we agree and support each other against her. There is no gray area and H never does anything that could possibly be misinterpreted by BM. It took a looooong time, but she finally got the idea and stopped trying to mess with our marriage and gave up her creepy attentions to H. She is still a psycho and a horrible mother, but there is a clear boundary up that she doesn't often try to cross.

To show how different things are for me now, I will show you how much everything has changed for the better. Right after H and I became engaged, his parents visited us and due to the schedule, spent time with BM to spend time with their grandkids (they now only visit when they know we have the skids). I spent the day with my fiance and his dad (who I clicked with immediately) and his mom spent the day with BM and the skids. Then, the grands took the kids to their hotel, which was in a nearby town (due to no hotels having vacancies in our town) and then H was supposed to drive out there and pick the skids off and drive them to BMs. H assumed that I would stay home because for no reason whatsoever BM had decided to drive out at the same time and see the skids even though H was supposed to pick them up and drop them off with her. Apparently, without consulting me at all, the plan was that they would drive out there and have dinner with the in-laws and then drive back. BM called H and assumed that they would drive out and back together! As if they were some happy little family and I didn't exist. I asked H why I should stay home and he told me that it would "keep the peace" and that if I was there it would make BM uncomfortable and might cause a scene!!!! I did put down my foot about him riding with BM and he acted surprised! BM, at this point, was living in severe denial and was telling people that she and H were "on a break" and that they were engaged and/or married (this is right after he proposed to me. I was wearing an engagement ring that H had given to me and BM was also wearing an "engagement" ring on her ring finger that H had given to her for Christmas, years previously!!! Can anybody say "Psycho?"). H didn't care about what delusions BM had because he knew the real deal, but it bothered me that he didn't stand up for me and put BMs feelings before mine. He didn't see it that way (of course) and hadn't even thought about my perspective. BM threw a fit when H wouldn't ride with her and was in a snit about it the whole time, but she didn't realize that her reign was over and she would never again be included in any H-family related event EVER. Fast forward to now and H would drop dead before letting BM have anything to do with his family and he would never, for a second, do anything to make BM feel better at the expense of me. I am his number one and he looks out for my feelings first. BM can go screw herself. I am his wife and he treats me with all the love and respect that goes with that. His parents now know almost all the stuff BM has done and won't have anything to do with her. They treat me like a daughter and I am always included and invited to every family event.

It took time and me standing my ground, but eventually H came around and is now more worked up about that stuff than I am. He was inexperienced at balancing a complicated family and new wife at that time and it took time and clashes with BM for him to see it all clearly. I never have to worry anymore that he will do something without thinking that will give BM any power to try to intrude on our life. I have so many more examples and some of them are totally ridiculous and were the result of BM being a complete nut job and thinking that even though H was married to me, he would somehow still be her boyfriend and spend time with her and the skids. It was a rude awakening for her and caused the mother of all year-long temper tantrums when H set clear boundaries with her and she realized that although he was still spending as much and more time with the skids, he had fully left her and was married and devoted to me and viewed me and the skids as his family, not her and the skids. This seems like an obvious and simple concept, but BM really thought that I would be in the background like some mistress or housekeeper and she and H would still have some little family unit of her fantasies. Reality was a cold, hard slap in the face that she needed and we made it so that even though she is still crazy, she isn't able to mess with us because she doesn't have H's participation or tolerance of her inappropriate behavior.

Things can and do change, but you have to be willing to stand up for yourself and hang in there even when your husband is being incredibly slow to change or stubborn. Don't put up with being a door mat and understand that your husband probably sees it all from his perspective and he might be totally out of touch with what you are experiencing. He needs to be educated in your thoughts and feelings and if he simply doesn't care about them or puts BM first, you have a different problem, but I think it will just take time and persistence to improve and change your family life. Good luck!!