Am I being unreasonable?
Okay, here’s the story. My fiance and I have been together for four years. In that time, this past Thanksgiving was the first time his children’s Mother ever picked them up and kept them for more than 23 hours. Fast forward to this summer and she’s actually taking her turn with them. She had them two weeks, he had them two weeks and today, is the second time she’ll be taking them for two weeks.
Okay, last time she had them two weeks, he came here for five days and then when he got them back, he was here for the entire almost two weeks. Now mind you, these are not low maintenance children. Not at all. Ever. Ever. Ever. I love him and I love them but they just are a lot of work. He was supposed to come back to my house this Friday and stay for a week. He said how much he was looking forward to it and he damned well knew how much I was looking forward to having that much time alone with him again.
Today, I get a text from him, ‘SS12 doesn’t want to go to his Mom’s and I’m not going to make him.’ Okay… so I text him back, ‘Is there a reason why you’re texting me this now?’ His reply, ‘Because you’re my partner?’ My reply, ‘The word partner indicates that you would ask my opinion before making a decision like that, especially when said decision affects me.’ His reply, 'You're being snippy, aren't you?'
Am I just being a bitch? Is it wrong of me after this many years of us never getting a damned break to want alone time with him? And, mind you, this has nothing to do with his Mother mistreating him. This has everything to do with a twelve year old boy who is used to getting his way about anything at any time. I am just flat angry but perhaps I’m not being fair. I figured you’d tell me like it is.
You are not being
You are not being unreasonable. First off I went throught the same with SD11. She had not gone to her BM for almost a year. I put my foot down and told DH that SD needs to go visit at least once amonth for a weekend, because we need that time. SD would refuse to go and DH would not make her. SD is not old enought to make those decisions, she was in no danger and she just didn't want to go. DH informed SD that she was going and not to bother arguing because it wouldn't matter. SD survived and we had a very nice weekend just the two of us.
Second as for your response you called it as you saw it, if he doesn't like it then maybe he should have asked you your opinion prior to making the statement.
How would Fiance feel if BM
How would Fiance feel if BM did the same to him?
Here's the deal - kids are smart and they know how to work parents. Why doesn't SS want to go to BM's - did SS and BM fight? Does SS have chores to do or homework to do?
If your fiance starts playing this game he allows his son to be in charge of his life, your life and BM's life. A deal is a deal and IMO fiance should respect and abide by schedule. Sure, there can be changes but they should be mutually agreed to by the adults and not dictated by the kids.
.....you are one of those....
.....you are one of those....
".....you are one of
".....you are one of those...."
****************************************************************** :sick: i know..... i'm starting to wonder if visiting sites like these is a new criteria for teachers, cps workers, social workers to join and create peace & love in all step families! did i :sick:?
thank you, so i wasn't way
thank you, so i wasn't way off base in my thoughts??
BM has not taken the kids but
BM has not taken the kids but is there a court order that states who has the kids when? You said that your hubby claimed that "he was not going to make them". I will go back to read some of your blog to get a history of the kids but that statements gives me the chills. Either the other parent is a fit parent or not. I dont understand why a child is given the authority to make decisions such as these. I am hoping that you can help me understand.
In our situation we hear this way too often and now with the oldest ss16 has been very open in discussing with the GAL and therapist that his mother intentionally keeps ss13 from his father, but we have always been in his life unlike what you say about your BM. Our BM makes the same claim "I'm not going to make him" "I cant make him see you" basically the complete opposite of what ss13 states in therapy.
Our BM even admitted that she grounded ss13 because he was seen in a therapy apt. with me which was court ordered. Per the ss16 she had coached the ss13 to refuse to be in the same room as me and when she found out he got grounded.
Kids will pin one parent against the other even in positive relationships, you know that they will play one against the other in a case such as this. I hope that your SO will set up therapy to help the kids work through issues with their BM. If BM refuses to engage in the treatment than you will have more power to control the visitation process.
BM can make your life a living hell if there is a court order and the kids are not being taken to visitation. I have seen a case where custody was reversted and the parent in that situation had an owi, drug history and behavioral concerns but the court felt that she had demonstrated a sufficiant period of clean behavior and was unreasonably being treated by her ex. The court felt that she would allow him visitation but he clearly refused to allow her to develop a relationship with the kids to the point that the court stepped in.
My fiance has custody of his
My fiance has custody of his children. His ex is supposed to have them every other weekend and every wednesday night during the school year and every other two weeks in the summer. Her normal pattern is that she averages about one 22 hour stay per month, sometimes not that much. This is by her choice, not PAS on my fiance's part. When it comes to this child, she fully says that if he doesn't want to go, she doesn't want him. I do feel sorry for the children and I do love the children, all three of them. I think they're in a crappy situation but I also think my fiance often parents out of guilt and not necessarily for the good of the children. This boy in particular has ADHD and there is no such thing as him going off and entertaining himself. I've been patient with the situation for four years and never one time complained about never getting time alone with my fiance. In this case, however, he had a good time with his BM when he went in late May and he's simply thinking that he'll have a better time with Dad. I have raised two kids myself and I think allowing the kids to take control like this leads to nothing but rebellion down the road. And yes, selfishly, I wanted some peaceful time with my fiance after four years of getting next to none.
Hi wanted_five, stay strong!
Hi wanted_five, stay strong! your actions do not seem unreasonable to me at all. It is frustrating to tell future DH that it may be selfish but I need some alone time with him to remember all the reasons I fell in love with him in the first place (and so that we can spend some quality adult time together too). The second part he really seems to understand
Tough call. If my ex had said
Tough call. If my ex had said that her kids didn't want to go to BD's and wanted to stay at our place instead I would NEVER have opened my mouth and said anything other than "hooray".
You have to be a teammate and the truth is that his kid is ALWAYS going to be #1. Always. If you try to imply that you want even 1 second given up that he could be with his kids you're going to fracture your relationship irrevocably.
Be glad for the time you have him alone, and be happy for him for the time that you are both with his kid. Otherwise you're going to end up ruining your relationship because you are NEVER going to win a "me vs kid" emotional battle.
It's okay to be SECRETLY disappointed, but make sure it doesn't show and you'll have a better relationship.
Sucks, but it's true...
If your fiance has custody of
If your fiance has custody of his children, you will never get alone time after you're married. My DH has custody of his children, and they haven't seen their mom for years-there's no such thing as alone time-tough a lot of the time, but worth it when your SKids know you love them enough to have them all the time, even when it means forgoing time alone. It sucks, I know, but it comes with the territory.
I do not think you are being
I do not think you are being unreasonable; I agree a partnership is making decisions together!!! I am with someone who makes them and says (basically) what are you going to do now; whats done is done. Its not a crime, or selfish for you to want some quality time with your man. Its human.