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This is a losing battle I think

steppingover's picture

I talked to my dfh today about the way his daughter 17 behaved this morning towards me very rude and disrepectful and he told me that He is not going to give her trouble for it because he gave her trouble last night about not going to school for a month. And because I asked him to talk to her last night He tells me it is my fault that she is behaving this way and I need to deal with it as what did I think would happen. And then tells me that he is not going to give her trouble very much because having her live with us saves him 800 dollars a month in child support that he would have to pay to his ex if she werent here.
But my children have to follow all the rules and get in trouble for things and would be in alot of trouble if they talked to him that way from both myself and him
I dont know what to do anymore do I stay with this man. I love him but I think he has his head so far up it daughter butt and she knows it and now I have a 17 yuear old running my house

Sorry for the vent ! :O

steppingover's picture

I know that was my thought too.
And both of them are refusing to go to theropy with me He said he didnt care if me and sd get along it doesnt really affect him

herewegoagain's picture

Ridiculous! But don't worry, your kids will turn out just fine by having stricter rules and she'll end up a mess...ignore her completely.

cyberwoman's picture

I am dealing with a similar issue with 22yo SS who had never been disciplined. That young man is completely without boundaries and my 14 year old marriage is falling apart because of it. In my experience unless you do something now it will only get worse and SD will get bolder by the day. Act now and you maybe able to save this relationship from going down the drain.

boogeymom's picture

Oh my God, if I found out my Skids hadn't been to school in a month there would be so much hell to pay they wouldn't even know. And then I'd go off on DH and BM too. Why WOULDN'T anyone get on a kid's case for that and not feel bad? Does he have a certain quota he can't go over when it comes to getting on his kid's case? I don't know what state you live in, but I'm pretty sure there are truancy laws, and most times its the PARENTS who get in trouble. Maybe if he were scared he might have to go up against the law he'd actually discipline his child. It's probably "your fault" she's behaving this way because you're actually trying to instill rules, boundaries, and discipline rather than letting her have the run of the place.

mom2five's picture

Even the easiest 17 year old girls are difficult to deal with sometimes. I can't imagine allowing a child to miss a month of school! Was that your dfh's fault or his ex's?

You might be able to help. Can you talk to the 17 year old? Can you explain to her that you are fearful of the path she is choosing? Can you offer to help get her back on track? It may be a waste of time and effort, but at least you know you tried, right?

I will tell you from experience that your problems won't end when she turns 18. Your dfh's daughter will always be his daughter. He will probably continue to make excuses for her long after she turns 18. Can you live with that?

bizbear's picture

your problems won't end when she turns 18. Your dfh's daughter will always be his daughter. He will probably continue to make excuses for her long after she turns 18. Can you live with that?

I'm living the statement above. I met SO when his DD was almost out of high school. That last semester she often refused to go to school. She had one excuse after another. She turned 18 that summer after HS graduation, which she was lucky to have graduated because of her lack of attending school. Off she went to college, only to flunk out to the tune of $18,000. Somewhere in that time frame her BM, SO's ex, refused to let the daughter live with her, saying she was evil. Well, she is not evil...but she is lazy, unmotivated, has no direction and is a manipulator. So maybe BM just couldn't express what she felt at the time. So, last summer she came to live with SO and I...she flunked out of JR college this past year! Her latest feat was to lose a job (her first job) after 5 days of training...she was told she wasn't a good fit. She is still living here and dad doesn't like her lack of ambition and direction, yet doesn't have the BALLS to get her on the right track. We have numerous arguments over this lazy girl...almost 20 years old.

So, moral of the story...she will always be daddy's girl. Don't expect miracles to happen when she turns 18. Start the move out process now, or the idea of the military or get her going on getting a job...now is the time, since noone has kicked her in the butt up to now.

By the way...my SO's DD is still sleeping and it's 2:50 p.m. on Saturday afternoon....I find that disgusting.

student1245's picture

:jawdrop: I have been there . And it is not worth it if the respect does not start at the beginning then you can forget about it ever changing . Believe me take it from someone who knows.
Unless the New Years Day ball drops on your husbands thick skull about this . He will always put her first and put you second and that is a horrible feeling or position to be in. I have been through this and it is ending in divorce. Only because now my husband sees that I was right in the way I wanted to raise our children and all the things that I broke his chops for meant something.
I am a good sm I was not appreciated. And now everyone wants to be my friend and I say thanks but no thanks I have enough friends.

steppingover's picture

Thank you all so much for your advice
and to answer some of the questions I live in Alberta, Canada and we due have whats called an attendance board where the children are under 16 the parents can be fined $100 a day for each day missed at 16 they canot be forced to go and are aloud to drop out with no punishment for it.