Help! I don't like her....and I feel horrible about it!
I am new to this site and was relieved to not only find this site, but to read some of the comments on this topic.
I met someone wonderful after infidelity ended my marriage of 14years. He was also married, ending with the same result so he understands completely what I have went through. When we met his daughter was 5. I have a 9 and 13 year old of my own. We live together. His daughter comes every other weekend. My son and she get along very well. My 13yr old dislikes her as much as I do.
I didn't start out that way. I tried (maybe too hard) to include her in things. At Christmas last year (she was 6), I bought her as much as I bought my kids. I was heartbroken as she shrugged off much of what I got her and replied that she already had some of the things. When I take her places she doesn't say please or thank you. I hate his ex b/c she reminds me of mine, so we don't talk.
My boyfriend and I have had many arguments over the subject. He comes to his daughter's defense when she is doing wrong, claiming that she is not. I told him things had to change. He is now understanding after this long that we need to be on the same page with things and has swore things will change. The problem is I have decided that I don't like her. I struggle with that because she is just a kid and I'm the adult. I am also a Christian person and a teacher. So why can't I get a grip on this? I keep thinking that if he forms unity with the situation it will get better b/c his excuses for her make it worse. Will this pass?
Thank you for your input.
Thank you for your input. Your right it is a respect issue and I have been respectful but I find myself tired of respecting without getting any back. I guess it is more of a prob with her dad letting it happen. I can't ban her from our home as she is only seven, but I have told him before that she can go home if she can't respect the rules in the house and if he doesn't handle the situation. At that point, he did talk to her.
Recently he has told me that he understands that things need to change and be an "us" approach doing the discipline. The problem is now that I feel I have tarnished feelings regarding her. I know I need to give it a good honest try if he is willing to work on the situation. My next thought is we may hold "family meetings" to discuss issues that occur or feelings between members in this house.
Thank you again for your input.
First off . .thank your lucky
First off . .thank your lucky stars she doesn't live with you, and secondly perhaps what you feel for her is resentment because of the way he makes excuses for her, and for her lack of humility.
I felt the same way about my SD(26) who lives with us because DH would make excuses for her bad behavior and coddle her like a 10 year old. I expected her to be kind, mannerable, and humble but I realized she hadn't been taught those things. She's done some pretty nasty things to me and my resentment toward her has turned to dislike.
In your case, since she's only a child, much of the blame should be placed on your boyfriend and her BM. If he's willing to do the work to make her change, hopefully you're feelings against her will change as well.
Good luck.
I thank you for your response
I thank you for your response and your are absolutely right-it is an issue of how he lets her act in our home. I have modeled respect and expect it in return. He comes to her defense any time I treat her as my own. I understand that this is normal to defend "your own", but now that we are a unit and I am thinking of marrying this man, it can't be a yours vs. mine situation.
I actually wish she did live with us sometimes because I find it extremely hard to bond with a child we have four times a month. I also wonder if there are other aspects to her behavior as I know that my children's biogligical dad can be competitive....Her behavior seems a bit out of the ordinary for a seven year old on her own at times.
Thanks again for your input.
I've said it before and I'll
I've said it before and I'll say it again: You can't take the things children do and say personally. My mom gave me that piece of advice when I had my first child. It's a life-saver.
You say you're a teacher. Do you take personally the things your students do or say about you? I'd venture to guess not. You have to be able to let things roll off your back like water off a duck's and get back to business.
Granted, it's hard. It's easier with your own children. But you can apply the same strategies with your stepchildren, with a little tweaking.
The problem with this is, she
The problem with this is, she is not my student....she is more and I want to love her like my own.
But you have to start
But you have to start somewhere, do you not?
If you're going to start out by just thinking along the lines of 'Well, most stepparents don't love their stepchildren like their own anyway,' then, where do you have to go from there?
If you can start out relating to her like you do to your students then, at least, you have nowhere to go but up.
JMHO.
I get what your saying, but
I get what your saying, but afterall she is not able to give me a fourth of respect my preschool students do....making it extremely difficult. This has gone on for 2 1/2 years. According to some, yes I won't love her as my own. I think the solution lies in the father and his will to help the situation....I guess I will see.
I have learned to not beat
I have learned to not beat myself up over the feelings of "not liking" my BF daughter. Honestly I don't like her. She is on a ruthless pursuit to get anything she wants at all the time at any cost without any regards. She is ten going on 5 so she is extremely needy and annoying. Unless this person was your child...it would be very difficult to like her. I talked candidly with my BF brother's girlfriend who has been around longer than me about how she saw things so I could get an opinion from someone who knows what is going on but is still on the outside looking in. She feels the same way I do. She said that Princess gets on her nerves soooooooo bad she can hardly deal with it when she is around her. So it isn't just me. She also agrees that this is the most spoiled rotten kid she has ever met. This child is so jealous of me and treats me like the maid....has no respect for me at all. I know that I will never love this kid like my own and I am at peace with it. My stepdaughter from a previous marriage was the best and I do love her with all my heart....but she loves me too and treated me with respect so I think that makes all the difference.
Moral of this story...you are a good person just because you don't like someone. You have good reason not to like this child so don't beat yourself up.
Wow, you described her most
Wow, you described her most of the time....She has gotten better with the please and thank-yous, there is no more huffing at a dinner she doesn't like and the eye rolling only happened once...Thank you for saying I'm a good person and being able to speak from experience b/c most of the time I feel horrible about it.
My son (he's 9) and she play most of the time. She gets on his nerves on day 2 lately. My 13 year old can't hardly stand her and has told me on numerous occasions that she gives her dirty looks when no one is looking. I think most of the time she has her dad fooled.
Again, I have thought about holding "family meetings" so everyone, including my children, can talk freely about the things/interations that bother them. I am also hoping that will give her a chance to see how others feel and maybe I can better understand what is going on with her. I also want her accountable for her behavior. My children are NOT ALLOWED to treat my BF that way and when they are out of line, I call them on it. He generally makes excuses for her. This week he says it will all stop as I have told him I am tired of spending every other weekend miserable and not enjoying the weekends with my own kids.
I do wonder though, how do you interact with her then and how does it NOT effect your realtionship with your BF? I want to work this out before marriage. The last thing I want to do is divorce again.
I am very disconnected from
I am very disconnected from her...I treat her like she treats me....kinda distant...nice to each other but distant. She actually is not nasty to me at all. She is just condescending. She has never given me the chance to be a second mom to her. I really wish it it could be that way. No one knows how much I wish she liked me and respected me...I have tried so long and hard with this girl but her self absorbancy over rides a desire to have anything to do with me more than resent me because my son and I are taking away from more money that could be spent on her. I know she sees it that way because if she so much as sees me spend 2 bucks on a Diet Coke she says something to me about spending money. I just go with the flow...that is the only way I know.
May I jump back in and simply
May I jump back in and simply say you are being very wise in you caution. Second marriages have a higher divorce rat and I think it is because most include children and step children. The rules are just different, as are the feelings. We will not love each others kids like we do our own. That's only normal.
My question is not that there is this initial conflict. That is to be expected. My question is your man's commitment to fixing it. How do you know if he is? Simple, his initiative in resolving it. Will he read with you, get advice, discuss it, or blow it off? Just know this, if he will not work toward resolving it now, he will never work toward its resolution later.
Jim Cunningham
I actually shared with him my
I actually shared with him my concerns and he says he understands that this "issue" has to be fixed before marriage. We have not had her again since our talk. I continue to try to include her as a family member and had him get her for my daughter's 8th grade graduation this weekend....I hope I am not going to regret it.
He continues to stand behind the idea that he will support me in discipline and respect issues regarding her. I guess this weekend will give me a glimpse on if that reality will take place.
You are probably going to
You are probably going to need a therapist to help your man to truly get where you are coming from. Or try journaling the next time you have a bad experience and maybe if he reads it after the fact (not in the heat of the moment when he backs her instead of you), he will be able to tell what he's doing and work on that. Good luck