why does he say you not deserve to feel the way you do? what is his rationale?

Dear A.McAvan,
I am so sorry that your DH is so quickly discounting your feelings and, in fact, disresepcting YOU- his wife, his partner.
He needs to be putting YOU first and foremost in this relationship- your marriage should always comes first. Children come second. And he should ALWAYS place you in a position of respect for his children to see.
He doesn't respect you- so of course, his children do not, either. They are only mirroring the behaviors of their father.

I do not know how long you have been married or what changed in your marriage, as you claim that things in the beginning were great with everyone. But it is eveident that the dynamics HAVE indeed changed for the worse and he has indeed taken the role of "guilt daddy" and indulging his children in letting them get away with bad behaviors.

Would he consider going to either a counselor or "parenting coach?" He definitely is in need of some professional to help guide him at this point! Doesn't he see or care that you are CLEARLY not happy in the way things are going in this family??

I wish I had advice for you. I could not deal with that EOW, I cannot imagine every day. The only thing I can say is that you need to decide if you can live this way every single day of your life. I know I wouldn't, especially as I am taking care of HIS children. Good luck. Hugs, I don't know how or why anyone does this.

sending tons of love & support your way ---- i could not imagine what you are going thru DAILY........... just no you are not alone, i canNOT stand when my skids are at my house and i feel the same way --- out of place, want to be somewhere else, but don't want to NOT know what is going and what kind of evil things they are planning or tricking dh into in my absence..... so my freaky ass rarely ever leaves skids in my home without me present......

My DH gets his 2 year old son on Thursday to Sunday. ON thursday that is when our relationship ends and our relationship starts back up on sunday after the kid leaves. When I first met my husband it was great we had so much fun together with his son. But since like novermber things have been getting worse. Honestly I dont want to be in a relatioship with my husband because of his kid. Sad to say sometimes I wish that the Bio mother tries for full custody.

God I know how you feel. And I don't know what to do either. I have no advise for you. But I just started to put my foot down to the SK and my husband. Maybe you giving him it's me or nothing talk might work. I told my husband that he needs to be the father. That I'm just the stepmother not the mother. I think men expects us stepmothers to be the mother. I don't have kids myself. But I will not raise his kids. He's the father he need to stand up and be the father. So far it's working. My problem is a 16 yrs boy that curses at me. Good luck and if anything works let me know.

The stepkids are not ruining your marriage. Your husband is. You have every right to "feel" any way you want to "feel." You have just as much right to demand some house rules since you have to share your life with his kids too. HE is the one that is discounting the way you feel and HE is the one not supporting you with his kids. Have you suggested counseling? Sometimes it takes an outside party to make people understand that their lack of support is a direct cause of the other person getting fed up and walking away from the marriage.

You should not have to feel like you are an outsider in your own home.

Some Bio Parents do what they need to to satisfy the demons that are chasing them in their head....

Maybe they grew up and felt that monetarialy they were disadvantaged and they want to give their child everything. Not understanding that they should take the situation and teach the child instead that money and things cant buy love and happiness. Remembering the simple pleasures that should really moves ones heart and soul.

Maybe when they where in the marriage to Bios other parent they did not accept the responsibilities they should have which lead to the divorce and now they are trying to right that with the child. Guilty that they did not do what they should have and allowing that to rule their decisions.

Maybe their parent was abusive when they were growing up and instead of facing it and growing from it they feel as if they are passive with their own that will never come out in them.

There are so many reasons why some Bios make really screwed up choices. However I take the belief that it only takes one to stand up and stop the cycle.

If the HD in this situation would stop and think for a moment that his children are learning from his actions, really truly learning he would see that he must put his wife first. Does he want his daughter to grow up and be a secure woman. A woman who chooses a spouse to marry that treats her with the highest regard, or does he want her to marry a man that will cave and put her feelings to the side. Does he want to set her out with a man and have to look him in the eye when she begins her whinning spoiled fits and say I did my best. Does he want his son to be just like him. Weak when it comes to the morals and tough decisions we must face in this life.

We either whole or blended families all have a huge responsibility on our hands when it comes to setting out children into this world that are healthy and whole in mind. We are responsible for showing them that two parent heads can love and adore one another and take time for one another. Working together as a united force to teach them how to be succesful.

We all make mistakes but damn if we keep making them does that teach anything.

You should not hold your feelings in! It is your HOME and that is you sanctuary....or should be....and your HD and the kids should step into line and understand that. I feel the same in my home at times and about 6 months ago I decided to hell and told my HD as much. I will treat SD just as I did my own and if I see that he is caving I will step in. He gets mad, she cries but in the end I have stood my ground. He also has seen me parent my children now 19 and 14 who are very responsible and has told me in drunk moments that he knows what I am implementing is right. Hold strong Girl....Dont let these bratty children ruin the life you choose to have with the man you love.
Good Luck!

Well a lot depends on your state and precedences, but in Ohio, it is actually more unlikely to overturn almost any current situation. Lawyers actually tell you to get the best possible deal from the start, because unless you can show proof of literal abuse, good luck getting anything changed. Just the few facts you mentioned wouldnt be enough for her to get anything changed. She would have to be able to prove some kind of REAL problem with the way things are, and teen opinions wouldnt weigh much. Judges are all adults, and know quite readily what the teen mind is all about. It will likely just be an expensive pain in the rear for you.

Regarding the other stuff...you simply have no choice but to stick up for yourself. Otherwise, you are choosing this miserable life by doing nothing to change it. If you are not there yet, you WILL get to the point that you would rather just cut your losses and move on without DH. It does only get worse and it's not worth it. DH isnt worth it. There ARE men out there who CAN handle their former situation within their current lives, and you deserve to be with someone who thinks you're great!

I personally hate the idea of counseling for these issues, and my DH has been pushing it for years. I just know that our situation is so complex to begin with, and our two views are so different, that adding a third person's views will only twist it further. A so-called professional is still a PERSON with real life experiences, so they are going to lean towards one or the other of your views and it will only feel like an ambush to one of you. I know this from my own past experiences with many many different counselors. The ones I liked and felt were helpful, DH shunned and eventually refused to go, and vice versa. Unless you can somehow impart 12 years of knowledge and experiences onto some third party, I just dont see how they can be objective to both sides. I dont know if that has anything to do with why your DH refuses counseling, but I just wanted to throw that out there.

I DO however think that any professional would for sure tell your DH that he can not tell you that "how you feel is wrong" because how you feel is how you feel, whether he likes it or not. My DH tells me this same thing, that it's just wrong that I am uncomfortable anytime his son is around. DH created this discomfort, but he denies that. He just says I'm wrong to be uncomfortable. Well that solves nothing! He thinks if I would just "be nicer" around SS, and somehow "become comfortable" that all will be perfect. I throw my hands up and say that if that's his position, then he can just move out today, because it's not gonna happen! And as long as he maintains that *I* am the problem? then SS is not allowed to be brought around me. Period. The discomfort is just TOO stressful for everyone involved, just so DH can feel warm and fuzzy that he's cramming us all together.

Obviously we are at a standstill as well. And for about 8 years now, this has gone on. DH and SS have a separate relationship from our family because of DH's unwillingness to respect my feelings. It's not my first choice for solutions, but we have kids together and we seem to be managing this way. So believe me, there are MANY ways that this could turn out for you. Think outside the box and find something that works for you. It may not be either of your first choices, but you can come to some arrangement where you both get most of what you want if you cant agree.