edit, sorry

steperg, they aren't just dirty clothing. They are clothes handed down that her sister's boys wore over 10 years ago. They are ripped, stained, ugly and at least 2 sizes too small. Last winter they wore old shoes that were way too small and had holes all over them. DD7's toe stuck out a hole in the front. When they come over the first thing they want to do is change into the clothes that they have here.

From what I read it is PAS, showing them that daddy's house isn't worthy of wearing decent clothing to. I know they have better clothing, she just keeps these rags around for them to wear to our house.

I've purchased an entire wardrobe for them to wear when here. Unfortunately, they sometimes wear them home and then they are either not seen again (she's admitted to 'dumping' a new pair of boots that I bought) or they are returned with holes and slits deliberately cut into them.

His access agreement specifies that he can pick them up at 5:00 so he might not be able to get them from school. Also, the next scheduled access is during Easter holidays so they won't be in school anyway.

I didn't expect any magic answers when I posted this (although I was hopeful) I just wanted to rant a bit to get it off my chest. Getting the police here to do anything in favor of the father is a laugh.

"bringing them there with old, dirty clothing is not alienating"

I beg to differ. I've seen it explicitly listed as a symptom. The children do not want to wear those rags, they feel like crap in them but she forces them to put them on every time they are going to daddy's. It would serve to alienate them from their father if every time they are going they have to wear rags.

Other things that fit PAS are not letting them share toys between homes,

I think you are taking only the worst indications of SEVERE PAS but it's much larger than that. Before the parent reaches the 'severe' stage they pass through mild and moderate. Right now we are between moderate and severe.

Oh I didn't tell you the half of it!

Everytime we pick them up from her they are in tears and clinging to her. When we pick them up from the babysitter they are happy and eager to come along. Their crying stops before we are a block away but still... During summer access (first 2 weeks of July and first 2 weeks of August) she wouldn't let us get them until 5:00 pm. Her entire family spent the day with them telling them to 'be strong' to 'cling to each other' to get through this ordeal. The focus was on how much fun they were going to miss with mommy, how much mommy would miss them. She sat in the middle of the road clinging to them, refusing to let them go. DP (dear partner) had to pry them off her to put them in the car. Then she'd call on the phone and tell them to 'be strong, I know it's hard but you can get through this, keep your chin up', crap like that.

If we are stuck in traffic when returning them from visitation and are even 10 minutes late she insists that they be picked up 10 minutes late the next time to make up for it.

Usually on Friday he picks them up from the babysitter at 5:00. He doesn't work on Fridays so he could pick them up earlier but the one time he did this she hit the roof and went on and on about him 'breaching the agreement'.

For christmas access he was supposed to have them from the 23rd to 2:30 on Christmas Eve. The time for pick up wasn't specified. He asked to pick them up at 9:00 AM but she refused and instead sent them to a babysitter until he could pick them up at 5:00.

Once when dd7 was 5 she left a stuffed bunny (that she STILL carried around with her all the time, not because she wanted to but because mommy thought it was cute and made a big deal about it - ex babies them to the extreme). ex was panicked, we got constant phone calls, texts, and emails asking us to please find it. I found it one morning after dp had gone to work and dropped it off to the day care where dd was since it was on my way. EX was livid! She sent emails demanding to know why his 'mistress' breached the access agreement.

She tells everyone that I broke up the marriage when in fact they were separated a year before I even came to this country.

Thing is, they have a great time with us. We do lots of camping and crafty things. They have been very happy here but her alienation is taking it's toll. They are more withdrawn and start giving one word answers. It's taking longer and longer for them to loosen up.

If we buy them something for our home she buys the same for hers to make sure there is nothing special here. Roller skates, bikes, mp3 players, nintendo, dvds, books and I mean she gets them the EXACT same book, dvd, bike, rollerskate, etc..same brand, same title. If we take them somewhere she takes them the next weekend to the same place. We've stopped telling them what we are going to do next time because she ALWAYS does it first if she knows what we are planning or where we are planning to go.

She's turned the 5 year old into a little 'mini me'. She keeps her in identical haircuts to her (which is always whatever hairdo that skanky Victoria Beckham has - she seems to idolize her, why I don't know). When they are with us she dresses them in old boy clothes but with her she always dresses them in pink from head to toe and often dresses them in identical outfits. I know this isn't PAS but I think it's weird.

I HAD a great relationship with them but it's deteriorating because she tells them not to interact with me. She even sent a photo album with pictures of her and her family in it to 'console' them while they are here. She imagines (and has said many times) that they spend every second that they are here pining away for her but they don't. She thinks they cry themselves to sleep wanting her but they don't. They don't even mention her and often when she calls the oldest one rolls her eyes and says she doesn't want to stop what she's doing to talk to her and we have to make her. They are given the phone and they go off to talk then hang it up. Some time ago she sent a letter through her lawyers complaining that the calls were only lasting a couple of minutes so now we have to stand there and force them to talk to her longer even though they don't want to.

Before dd7 started school I taught her to read and sent the first book she read home with her to keep, thinking her mother would be proud of her. Her mother told her she didn't have time to listen to her read it and the book disappeared. Now, 3 years later she's still reading at the same level she was then.

She keeps them helpless. Every independent thing they've learned to do - dress themselves, ride a bike, tie their shoes, get their own cereal, turn on the TV - EVERYTHING - they learned from us. When we pick them up we see them both still sit down and wait for the mother or the babysitter to put their shoes and jackets on them. They are totally helpless with her even though they are well able to do all these things at our house.

I'm so glad to have found this board! It's nice to talk to fellow Americans who understand. I tried posting on an Irish board but I was attacked for being an 'ex-basher' and they just make excuses for her, tell me to be understanding because it's hard for her. What a load of crap. Even if nobody reads this or replies it's good therapy to be able to get it out. Also, she was posting on that board telling lie after lie so I started posting after her telling my side but without disclosing to everyone else who I was - while making sure that she knew who I was iykwim. She sent a couple of select posts of mine (ones that discussed the situation without saying anything about her) to her lawyers who threatened me with contempt of court for discussing the case! Note: in Ireland all family law matters are held in closed court, no notes are taken and no one is allowed in except the divorcing parties and their lawyers. That's why it's so unfair and one-sided.