I have been with my (now) husband for 4.5 years. He proposed August '09 and we were married in October (due to his being in the military and deploying). I have a 6 year old step-daughter that I love like my own, and she loves me just as much. Before my husband deployed, we had my SD EOW at most. She hardly got to spend any time with her dad and I because her mom didn't have a job so she couldn't afford to pay the gas to drive her half of a 4.5 hour trip to drop her off to us. While my husband was state-side, his ex and I had a good relationship. We could sit and have dinner together and laugh, text/call back and forth, etc. Ever since he's deployed though, it's been a completely different story.

Ever since my SD was born, her mom has been completely over-protective of my SD...to the point where my husband's dad couldn't drive my SD around; her mom wouldn't allow it. My husband on the other hand bends over backwards (to a fault) to make things comfortable and easy for his ex. He will sit and complain about his ex to me but then doesn't confront her at all on issues that should be confronted. He walks on eggshells around her and gives in to her every request. It has become a huge point of contention between my husband and I...to the point where I feel (at times) I want to throw the towel in. I have tried my hardest to see my SD while my husband is away. While I understand that I have no LEGAL right to see her, I was hoping that her mom would appreciate the fact that I cared enough about my SD to want to continue to spend time with her, as well as hoping her dad would back me in my hopes to see her.

A month before my hubby deployed, he (FINALLY!) talked to his ex about allowing my SD to come down at least once a month and see me. She basically said "no" at first, and after he kept talking about it, she said that she MIGHT come down for a weekend here or ther if she could stay IN MY HOUSE with my SD and I. As hard as I tried, I couldn't get past the fact that I felt she didn't trust me. After a month of not having any communication with my SD, I wrote her mom an email very tactfully saying I hoped we could get together and see eachother, that I didn't understand why she didn't trust me and why she didn't feel the need for her daughter to spend time with her SM and in her dad's house. Instead of replying to me, she forwarded the email to my hubby (who knew I wrote it), and said it wasn't that she didn't trust me, it was that she "didn't see a reason to JUSTIFY bringing her daughter down to visit since her dad wasn't there anyway". I just about fell off my chair when I read that!! To make matters worse, he wrote her an email back to her which I later got to read, saying that he "agreed with her more than me, but had to try and keep both parties (his ex and I) as happy as possible". After blowing up at him over the phone (he later said he was sorry), he said that he would hold his ex to the promise she made initially about coming down to visit.

Through out all of this, my poor SD has been stuck in the middle, verbally expressing to her mom that she wants to come down and see me, but her mom won't allow it. Furthermore, my husband walks on eggshells around his ex, explaining his actions and feelings towards her as "thats the only way I can maintain a relationship with my daughter". It blows my mind that he's not more demanding about the way his ex is treating everyone, and it's coming to a head in our (very short) marriage! I would never let his ex split us up, but at the same time, I feel like my hubby is catering to his ex more than he's considering his daughters feelings and relationships. I have tried to keep in contact with my SD through calls every week and sending packages up to her house, but in the 2.5 months my husband has been deployed, I've talked to my SD twice, and haven't heard one "thank you" for anything I've sent up there. My husband is now using the "I'm overseas, there's nothing I can do" excuse for not holding his ex to the promises she's made; 1.) obtaining the internet so my SD can talk to her dad online 2.) Coming down to visit me 3.) maintaining a weekly call schedule for my hubby and my SD to talk -- he's talked to her a total of 5 times because she keeps screening her phone calls. Maybe I'm too impatient, maybe I'm over-reacting, but if I were him, I would of yelled at her a long time ago telling her to straighten out and make things work. Unfortunately, my hubby doesn't share the same mentality with me and says I'm just being difficult. Instead, he's ok with the fact that I'm losing a relationship with my SD that I have worked very hard to maintain, more importantly, he's settled on the fact that theres nothing he can do while overseas to maintain a relationship with his daughter, and thinks that his ex being difficult can't be fixed and "that's just the way my ex is".

I'm losing sight as to what I should do...everytime I talk to my hubby on the internet and we bring up this subject, it always turns into a fight because I feel like I'm being more proactive than anyone else in this relationship triangle (hence my "A for effort" SN). My hubby is such a good father, but to see him shrug off his ex's behavior, and the fact that my SD is the one losing out the most in all of this, is so disturbing. If anyone has any suggestions as to how I can get my husband to understand how important this is to me, or how to make a relationship with my SD exist again, I'd definitely appreciate every piece of advice!!

Thanks!