Clotheslined by a jealous SM...
I have been with my (now) husband for 4.5 years. I have a 6 year old step-daughter that I love like my own, and she loves me just as much. Before my husband deployed, we had my SD EOW at most. She hardly got to spend any time with her dad and I because her mom didn't have a job so she couldn't afford to pay the gas to drive her half of a 4.5 hour trip to drop her off to us. While my husband was state-side, his ex and I had a good relationship. We could sit and have dinner together and laugh, text/call back and forth, etc. Ever since he's deployed though, it's been a completely different story.
Ever since my SD was born, her mom has been completely over-protective of my SD...to the point where my husband's dad couldn't even drive my SD around; her mom wouldn't allow it. My husband on the other hand bends over backwards (to a fault) to make things comfortable and easy for his ex. He will sit and complain about his ex to me but then doesn't confront her at all on issues that should be confronted -- i.e. smoking in a closed apartment with my SD home. He walks on eggshells around her and tries to make everything work for the sake of maintaining a relationship with his own daughter in fear that the BM will take her away for good. It has become a huge point of contention between my husband and I...to the point where I feel (at times) I want to throw the towel in. I have tried my hardest to see my SD while my husband is away. While I understand that I have no LEGAL right to see her, I was hoping that her mom would appreciate the fact that I cared enough about my SD to want to continue to spend time with her, as well as hoping her dad would back me in my hopes to see her.
A month before my hubby deployed, he (FINALLY!) talked to his ex about allowing my SD to come down at least once a month and see me. She basically said "no" at first, and after he kept talking about it, she said that she MIGHT come down for a weekend here or ther if she could stay IN MY HOUSE with my SD and I. As hard as I tried, I couldn't get past the fact that I felt she didn't trust me. After a month of not having any communication with my SD, I wrote her mom an email very tactfully saying I hoped we could get together and see eachother, that I didn't understand why she didn't trust me and why she didn't feel the need for her daughter to spend time with her SM and in her dad's house. Instead of replying to me, she forwarded the email to my hubby (who knew I wrote it), and said it wasn't that she didn't trust me, it was that she "didn't see a reason to JUSTIFY bringing her daughter down to visit since her dad wasn't there anyway". To make matters worse, he wrote her an email back to her which I later got to read, saying that he "could see both sides, but had to try and keep both parties (his ex and I) as happy as possible". After blowing up at him over the phone for his response and him finally starting to see my point of view, he said that he was IMMENSELY SORRY (genuinely)and would hold his ex to the promise she made initially about coming down to visit. He has since united (more) with me as a team against her dispicable behavior, but it's I think the BM is too dense and WAY TOO SELFISH to realize that she's ruining things for her daughter.
Through out all of this, my poor SD has been stuck in the middle, verbally expressing to her mom that she wants to come down and see me, but her mom won't allow it. Furthermore, my husband walks on eggshells around his ex, explaining his actions and feelings towards her as "thats the only way I can maintain a relationship with my daughter". It blows my mind that he's not more demanding about the way his ex is treating everyone, and it's coming to a head in our (very short) marriage! I would never let his ex split us up, but at the same time, I feel like my hubby is catering to his ex more than he's considering his daughters feelings and relationships. It seems as if he's torn between fear of the BM cutting all contact off with his daughter, and knowing deep down that she's not acting civil. I have tried to keep in contact with my SD through calls every week and sending packages up to her house, but in the 2.5 months my husband has been deployed, I've talked to my SD twice, and haven't heard one "thank you" for anything I've sent up there. I now feel like my husband is now using the "I'm overseas, there's nothing I can do" excuse for not holding his ex to the promises she's made; 1.) obtaining the internet so my SD can talk to her dad online 2.) Coming down to visit me 3.) maintaining a weekly call schedule for my hubby and my SD to talk -- he's talked to her a handful times because she keeps screening her phone calls. Maybe I'm too impatient, maybe I'm over-reacting, but if I were him, I would of yelled at her a long time ago telling her to straighten out and make things work. Unfortunately, my hubby doesn't share the same mentality with me and says if he does that she'll just retract more and we'll lose all contact with my SD and her mother. Instead, he's allowing the BM to jeapordize a relationship with my SD that I have worked very hard to maintain, more importantly, he's settled on the fact that theres nothing he can do while overseas to maintain a relationship with his daughter, and thinks that his ex being difficult can't be fixed and "that's just the way my ex is".
My hubby is such a good father, and I know he only feels like catering to the BM so that my SD can see they had a good relationship while she was growing up, but the fact that my SD is the one losing out the most in all of this, is so disturbing. If anyone has any suggestions as to how I can get my husband to understand how important this is to me, or how to make a relationship with my SD exist again, I'd definitely appreciate every piece of advice!!
Thanks!
You are very eloquent as a
You are very eloquent as a writer so maybe you could write all this out and give it to both of them? She at least sounds like she is more rational and normal than the BM I deal with and since you have a history of amicability, she might be possible to reason with. One issue I have is that I think your husband needs to grow a spine. He is straddling the fences too much and he needs to be loyal to you and his daughter first and foremost. It is possible to be a decent person and be loyal to your family at the same time! He doesn't have to be evil to his ex, but he does need to make it clear that you and his daughter are his priorities and that means not siding with BM against you, no matter what. A dangerous precedent has already been set and it is his responsibility to fix it. By telling the ex that he basically agrees with her, but is catering to you, he is being disloyal and communicating very clearly to the ex that she is a personal confidante and gives the impression that you are a highly overstrung basket case that needs to be catered to "to keep the peace." That is not okay. He needs to be a united front with you and should never let the ex know what personal disagreements you two may be having. By all means he doesn't have to agree with you on everything and it's fine if he and the BM are in agreement on parenting issues (even desirable) but he needs to make it clear that he supports you first and foremost and that your opinion matters. The bad part is not that he is communicating with BM and agreeing with her, it's the way he's doing it and the implications about his attitude towards you that are problematic.
Judging by BMs behavior and the fact that she seems to be running the show, I would say that she is very confidant that she can pull strings and manipulate both you and your husband and she has far too much power in this situation. Your H needs to stand up to her and be firm and that's that. BM is exposing her daughter to secondhand smoke and that is child abuse in my opinion. It sounds like both of you have been walking on eggshells with her and that she might have borderline personality disorder or be bipolar. Whatever her problems, new rules and boundaries need to be established for the safety and well being of your SD. All three of you need to sit down and hammer out basic rules and schedules and stop tip-toeing around and put this BM in her place! Normally I think it is up to the bio-parent to establish a cordial yet aloof and mature co-parenting plan, but in this case it sounds like you have the potential to have a friendly working relationship with BM and because you want to spend time with your SD and have a very vested interest in the situation, you should be involved in the parenting plan. Because you are such a good writer and clear with expression, like I suggested before, you might consider hammering out a very clear and simple letter telling both H and BM how you feel about all of this and how much you care about SD and are willing to work with BM and compromise. Right now BM is running the show and you and H are jumping when she says jump. You can either let her have unequal and unjust power over the situation or you can insist that H assert his parental rights and work out a solution that works for all of you. If necessary you could also suggest a professional mediator or a counselor. It will be up to you to be clear and express yourself, but it is up to H to have some balls and establish himself as an equal parent. I agree that a PAS situation might be happening and doing research on that is a great idea. The bottom line is that your SD is the one suffering here and a child being forced to live in an unhealthy environment, both physically and emotionally is just not right. She deserves to have all her parents (and that includes you) fighting for her rights and standing up and ensuring that she has the healthiest, happiest childhood possible.
It's really hard to tell how rational this BM is, but I take it as a good sign that things have been positive and workable with her before. My BM was nuts from the beginning and pigs will fly before we form a mature and normal relationship, but in your case there is hope because she has been approachable before. Hopefully she will want what is best for her daughter rather than being petty and bitchy and caring more about manipulating you guys than taking care of her kid.
A great book on BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and dealing with irrational and alienating Bio-parents is:
"Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder" by Paul T. Mason
Also check out:
"I Hate You, Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality" by Jerold J. Kreisman
"Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship" by Christine Ann Lawson
"Divorce Poison: Protecting the Parent-Child Bond from a Vindictive Ex" by Richard A. Warshak
Hope any of this helps!!! It is really awesome that you care so much about your SD and that you are willing to fight for what you know is right for this child. I hope this BM doesn't do what so many of our BMs do and put herself over the basic needs and rights of her children, but hopefully things will improve. Keep us posted!
"If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they will kill you." ~Oscar Wilde
Steperg - Thanks for the
Steperg - Thanks for the suggestion...I will definitely look into that!
Sugarstep - You were right at one time, she used to be very open and willing to hear what my husband had to say. Her desire to change though...not so much. The problem is she is such a control freak that if she doesn't like what advice/recommendations you're giving her, she pulls away. And it's not just a "I dont want to talk about this, I'll pretend like it never happened" pulls away, I mean drops you from her life COMPLETELY. Apparently, when she was in college, she didn't like that her OWN FATHER didn't agree with the way she was conducting her life, so she didn't talk to him for THREE YEARS!! It wasn't until he started pretending like he was ok with her actions that she started talking to him again. I think a huge part of my husband not wanting to confront her on the whole issue is he's afraid that he'll lose her and she'll pull away and he'll never get to talk to his baby girl. A pretty well founded fear I think, but I wish that he/we had been more proactive in preventing/changing this mentality of her's earlier.
It's everything I can do to not drive up there and confront her face to face...that way she can't run and she's forced to deal with the way her actions are affecting other people. She really is so self centered that she has NO IDEA.
Gosh, she really does sound
Gosh, she really does sound like she has some serious problems! I'm sorry!
A face to face talk might be helpful, but it might push her away too? It's really hard to tell. Maybe your husband should be the one to initiate this because she has to parent with him and can't really run away...I guess getting on the same page with him might be a good first step? Yikes, she really does sound pretty nuts, I hope she doesn't fly off the handle like she did in college. Given her history, the fear seems pretty well founded, but there's got to be a way to approach her without causing her to freak out.
My attitude with my BM has always been to be direct and confrontational. I ignored her psycho behavior at first, but didn't cater to her craziness at all and only told her what I thought when I had been pushed too far and my boundaries violated too much. She is now terrified of me and does anything to avoid contact. All I have ever done is to calmly tell her what I think, but my words hit such sore points that she will do anything to avoid hearing what I have to say! My husband has taken a different approach and since he has known her for eleven years he knows exactly how to manipulate her. He hates confrontation, but can absolutely be pushed too far. If his parenting time with his boys is threatened he gets fierce about protecting it and will fight to spend time with them. He is naturally more calm than I am though and has been able to stay calm and rational in situations that would make me unhinged! He can take hours of crazy ranting and still be calm and logical and in the same situation I would just throw up my hands and walk away! Because he is the bio-parent and much more invested in spending time with the skids, he has been the primary one to deal with BM and work things out and his calm, rational approach has worked pretty well. I have had to make it clear what things I will and won't put up with, but in general we have wanted the same goals, but had a different way of approaching situations and conflicts. Originally crazy BM tried to force him to stay overnight at her house on the weekends "for the kids"! Even while he was married to me! She is completely inappropriate and psychotic and although that is the last thing he would want, he didn't react strongly the way I would have at such a nutso suggestion. She also, for reasons known only to herself, envisioned our lives as being some weird polygamous set-up, where he would be married to me, but spend large amounts of time with the kids AND her! Their breakup was extremely tumultuous and difficult, but because she is certifiably insane she refused to accept that he was actually leaving her. She basically told him that if he left her, she couldn't stop him (this was after she literally tried to stop him from leaving her) but she then proceeded to talk about how their relationship would be and seemed to assume that I would be like his secret mistress and he would continue to basically live with her and the skids!!!! She made up rules and a ridiculous schedule that she actually expected him to follow. She told him that he wasn't "allowed" to come to my house until after midnight and that he needed to be back by 7:00am so that the kids wouldn't know he wasn't living there! He was supposed to spend the weekends at her house and come home from work to her house to cook dinner and spend time with her and the kids!!! I'm dead serious that she actually thought this was how it was going to be!!! She obviously did not understand the concept of him leaving her and marrying another woman and she sent me a long letter telling me that I was a "whore," "home-wrecker" and other lovely epithets and told me that to "punish" me I would not be included in "family life" and would not be permitted around the skids or invited to any "family" events!!! She tried to get him to agree to not let him introduce the skids (my future step-kids at that point!) to me for "six months to a year." She got two cell phones on a family plan and gave one to H which would connect their plans and give her access to his information (he later had them disconnected when they were shut off due to her non-payment, paid his part and kept them strictly separate after that). Obviously he had no intention of agreeing to any of her ridiculous demands and she received the shock of her life when he moved out, married me, introduced me to my step-children (duh) and proceeded to spend absolutely zero time with her or ever set foot in her house again. She completely lost it and sobbed, made screaming phone calls, threatened both of us, sent me harassing and threatening letters, tried to get me fired at work, tried to turn the skids against us, sued for full custody, and generally fell completely apart. I don't mean to go on and on about my own situation and I do have a point with all this, lol! She was totally crazy, irrational and demanding and has a long history of being a complete wreck and failing to do the most basic grown up things such as hold down a job and pay the bills. My husband started out not knowing how to handle her craziness and came on very softly at first and was very patient and understanding with her. Lots of bad precedents were set and she got away with some outrageous behavior. I finally had it out with her, but H has always been calm and reasonable with her. It took us a really long time, but finally we left her with no choice but to tow the line. We have no contact with her other than things directly relating to the skids and since she has tried every crazy tantrum in the book and not been able to succeed in breaking us up or getting the skids full time she has basically given up for the most part. This has taught me that even when a bad pattern has been set and you are dealing with a totally irrational person, it is possible to work out a method of successfully dealing with them and protecting the kids involved.
Two years later, BM is a fat, mustached woman living in a rundown house with a series of shady boyfriends drifting through. She is pale, worn out and terrified and is such a bad mother that her kids are quickly figuring out what's going on and turning against her. She lost her job, is unemployed and living on food stamps and spends all her time with her one friend, a drug addict that is also a horrible mother. Her life is a wreck because of her choices and her persistence in doing horrible things to other people without showing any remorse. She has brought it all on herself and H and I have detached from it and keep our lives as separate as possible. We have set extremely clear boundaries and demanded that she stick to them and we have a very happy marriage and a fairly good situation with the skids. We have given her no choice but to fall in line and it took me making it clear that I wouldn't put up with crap from her and H standing up to her and setting extremely clear boundaries and enforcing them. It really took time, but after trying every nasty trick in the book, she has finally given up for the most part. Her own life is so screwed up that she doesn't have the resources anymore to focus on us and we have completely frozen her out of our lives. H will not talk to her about anything other than the skids and even then he keeps it short and business like. She is not allowed in our house and we have a schedule set up that works for us and we don't let her get away with breaking the schedule or being late, etc...She is terrified of alienating H and so never takes bitchiness too far. She is afraid of making him angry and so even though she gets bitchy and nasty sometimes, she never takes it far enough to risk blunt words from me or H.
Anyway, sorry I blathered on so much, I hope it was comforting to see that you're not the only one dealing with crap like this! It takes time, but whatever your personal method, it is definitely possible to achieve a functional working relationship with the BM. You can put the skids first and make sure that you, your marriage and your family are not compromised and not let some crazy lady run your life. They only have as much power as we let them and even though it takes time and there will be lots of shenanigans it's totally possible to get to a better place.
"If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they will kill you." ~Oscar Wilde
any more imput on this?
any more imput on this? Please?