Ok. I'm new here. I'm a SM to two lovely children: SD (age 7) and SS (age 5). DH and I also have a little boy (age 1). I'm having some "boundry-type" issues with BM. I've asked friends about the situation, and they all think she is crazy and controlling...but these are my friends saying this. I want some neutral feedback I guess...

I met DH about 3 years ago not too long after he divorced. You see, BM and DH had a very bitter divorce that dragged on for about a year. BM had cheated on DH with several people, including a couple of his "friends" (former friends now) and a few of her co-workers. It turns out that one of my best friends works with her and basically she told me that BM has a very bad rep. Toward the end of BM and DH's marriage, she meets her new husband (wierd step dad - WSD). DH finds out and finally has had enough and DH divorces BM.

I'd never dated anyone who had kids or who had even been married previously. I hadn't been married or had any kids myself at that point. We casually dated for 3-4 months before I would meet the kids. We (the kids and I) hit it off instantly and have always had a great relationship. I try to treat them in a way that makes them feel important and valued, while stressing that while I am not their mom, I am someone they can talk to and lean on. I listen to them when they talk, I take interest in their interests, and we just have a great time together. The kids relationships with me have never been an issue in our household.

So after some time passes, DH and I get engaged, move in together, have sweet little boy (SLB). In retrospect, this is when all the trouble starts with BM. BM dates WSD on and off and they finally marry about 6 months before we marry. WSD lived accross the country from BM when they were cheating, dating and even through the 1st year of their marriage. Apparently BM and WSD were having problems early in their marriage, because BM begged DH to keep SS and SD for a month so she could go accross the country to be with WSD and patch things up. We do so without question, out of concern for how the kids feel having their BM ditch them for a man for a month. Then we find out that she has dropped the health insurance she was court-ordered to have on the kids. Then DH picks up insurance. Then DH gets laid off and looses insurance. This all happens within the 4 months before DH and I marry.

About 3 weeks before we get married (about a year ago), DH is served with papers early on a Sunday morning. BM is petitioning for DH to have visitation only of SD and SS (every other weekend). Currently, DH has joint custody and we have the kids in 6 day increments. BM cites the fact that we moved 27 miles away as the reason for wanting to make the change...she says that us living so far away is to "incosistent" for the children. We had lived in this location for over a year before she petitioned. We were in the same metro area, just on the other side of town (she lives in one suburb, we lived in another). Turns out the reason behind this is that WSD was finally moving here to be with BM after they "worked it out". She in essence was just trying to squeeze DH out of the picture because, with WSD here, she now had her happy little family (I have it on very good information that this was indeed the case). I did find the timing of the petition very suspect. We also noticed that she had filled out the CS worksheet and left SLB off so she could claim more $$$. She knew we had SLB...he was 6 months old at the time!!! She also was petitioning that DH maintain insurance on the children.

Since the kids still had no insurance, when we married, DH and decided to put all of the kids on my insurance at work. BM basically acted like this was me and DH's responsibility. Never do we (or I for that matter) get a thank you for this, even though DH was paying her child support that included reimbursing her for health insurance. Personally, I was more concerned with the children's safety, so I was all for getting them insurance coverage so they would be safe.

So this petition thing just lingers. We get an attorney, BM doesn't have one. It takes forever to get a hearing date. When they finally do, they are sent to mediation. The first day of school comes around. I get a nasty email from BM ac ouple days before school starts telling me that it is not my place to be there. I sent her a tactful, but firm response basically telling her that I think she is full of it. I bring up that how is it my place to carry insurance on your children that you are court-ordered to carry, but it isn't my place to walk with them with my husband to the front door of the elementary school? It just doesn't make any sense. She has a hateful response, which I ignore because of the legal situation.

Finally, BM and DH go to mediation. BM basically figures out that the petition was a bad move. She gets nothing. Plus, her CS gets reduced because of our SLB. BM complains that she is being punished because me and DH decided to have a baby...boohooo...she cries through mediation, finally giving up 4 hours and $800 in mediation fees later (which she had to pay $600 of). We also end up moving to be closer to the kids...we now live 5 minutes from BM (mixed feelings).

Sorry for the long story, but I was hoping this would give a point of reference for the rest. So now I'm getting ugly emails from BM often about a ton of things (all very petty and trivial). Example: SD and I get our nails done. BM flips out and tells me it is a "mother-daughter" event and I can't do that. Another example: I go to get a hair trim and DH send SD with me to get one too (she needed one bad)....lordy I got a nasty email for that one. Nevermind that WSD cuts SS's hair often. DH never complains about that...I don't see how WSD cutting SS's hair is different from me getting a hair trim for SD. whatever...I emailed her back told her that she was being silly and that she needed to get a grip...I said it nicely of course (really, I did). Now BM has told DH that WSD is coaching SS's T-ball team this year. WHAT????

Ok, so am I crossing the line with the kids? I'm I wrong here? I feel like any problem she has with me and her kids is due to her insecurity. As much as it pains me, I am nice to her in front of SS and SD and I speak nicely of her to them. I don't let them call me mom. I confer with DH on any major issues/decisions. I guess I just think she is being petty....I mean, seriously? She wants to picks fights with me over the dumbest crap!!!!

Sorry this is so rediculously long. I just had to get it all out!!!!