Thank heavens for others who understand.
I read some of the posts here and it's a shame we all have to suffer this way but it's a big help to know that I am not alone out here.
I moved to USA to be with my husband, it was just him and I at first. He has three children. His elder son is to his ex wife and the two younger ones are twins to the woman he lived with, she had three other children and they are like ours also. As soon as I was on the scene the bio Moms acted like cuckoo birds and dropped their young off in our nest, PERMANANTLY. I welcomed them all, I love them all dearly as they are part of the man I married. The bio Moms have been a real pain in the neck and have incited the kids to disrespect me. Our girl was hellatious!! I got her when she was 10 and the princess thing I read about from the posts is very true with her. I am patient, not so tolerant though. The girl went wild, lied, stole, drank and took drugs and had sex and got two STD's at age 14, She went through the juvenile justice system, got kicked out of four schools and two group homes. To begin with my husband said, and I quote, ''If only my wife and daughter could get along'' OK, now there is a huge assed rolling pin and an even bigger cast iron skillet, which do you think I should have used at that point? . Hubby realized that the problem was the child, we got her out of the state system and she went to live with her Mother and step Dad. As soon as the proverbial sh1t hits the fan she decides she wants to live with us again!! Not happening!! The boys here have gotten used to the peace and quiet. Ongoing saga there...
New topic, elder step son. He decided that he hates my guts for some reason, is downright rude and disrespectful. His Mother asked if she may spend the night at our house, she was in town visiting with her friend who is buying a condominium. I had no previous issues with the lady, but I felt that it was a bit much to expect me to accommodate her overnight. Our boy had suggested it first of all, hubby tipped me off and I said it was not happening. I thought that was the end of it but the Mother actually called me up and asked me, I told her I did not feel comfortable with it and said no, she seemed fine and said she would make another arrangement. Actually it was not just no, it was HELL NO!! I was polite, there are protocols, I do not mind her visiting, the whole family visit with us but not to spend the night!! I was made to feel like I was the bad one though. Now I do have an issue with her but I'll let it slide. I am still getting obnoxious behavior from the step son, he acts like little lord Fauntleroy!! His Father is even getting sick of his attitude. He was living away from home but got in a severe car wreck two years ago and we have taken care of him ever since. I do not expect thanks, I do not expect him to fully appreciate the things I have done for him until he is much, much, older and experiences things for himself in the 'real world'....ongoing situation there too.
Another gripe! Sorry for going on so much but this is really the first time of giving vent to folks who have had similar or worse experiences. My younger step son has recently caused concern. On five occasions I have missed $20 from my wallet. I raised the fact that I was aware each it was missing, and asked him to keep an eye on his friends coming in and out. I dropped it, thinking that it would not happen again, in all decency it should not have been an issue again. How wrong was I? I have never been in the habit of hiding my purse, neither my bio kids, nor their friends, robbed me of a single penny. Hubby went ballistic, he shielded the boy and made me out the idiot that left it there in temptation's way. I was so upset!! It was almost like I had no right to my feelings?
Does anyone else here think it's flip or shallow when people just move on, not learning jack about their wrongdoings, not apologizing or making amends? Worse yet I am told to 'get off my pity pot' when I feel upset, like I am denied my rights to think and feel on my own? I went ballistic at hubby when he refused to deal with the issue, he did not want to chastise the boy, and hindered me dealing with it. I was going to give the boy and his friend the opportunity to own up and make amends, to help salve their own concience. Seems like they have no concience to salve!! Does anyone else think we are encountering a new breed of sociopath? Our girl here was diagnosed with emerging borderline personality disorder, ADHD and ODD. They are twins?? Am I stretching the imagination here when I say that the boy has as many issues as the girl but he is much more sneaky about it. I do have to say that I have a wonderful Mother in law here, she is so unbiased and a blessing. Thanks to all who care to read this.
Thank you, yes indeed, I see
Thank you, yes indeed, I see where the issues stem from and that because my ideas are different (also they were afraid I'd put an end to them being able to manipulate their parents, or enlighten their parents) then I am the baddie. All three will end up with some (very)rude awakenings in society. I refuse to do whatever the command is until I hear a civil tone. I actually ignore them, they think I am being a bitch but I am not going to dignify ill manners. It costs absolutely $0 to be civil. I maintain my stand and I have actually had my step daughter tell me that 'without you I'd have absolutely no morals' so at age 16 she is beginning to see the light. Our daughter also she has huge issues with the boys being mysoganistic (in fairness the female authority figures so far are very unstable for the boys) and it has to be said that they do seem to be favored. One day the boys accused her of disconnecting the internet and I was right there by the desk with our girl and I defended her. She said ''I feel loved'' and that broke my heart for her. Someone actually stood up for her!! I try to make a point of showing love, not just saying 'I love you' to her. Despite being her whipping post for her emotions at times (physical injuries to boot) I feel for her and she will ultimately have more respect for me in later life. I hope the boys will too. It's not ego, as I have been accused of previously, parenting is not something I take lightly, these are emerging young adults who need as much love and help as they can get (as much as I was given by my parents or as I gave my bio kids). My parents were married for 53 years, for the good, the bad and the ugly LOL. I divorced but I still know what I value most and family matters very much to me.
The bio mother of the twins is a total psychopath so I considered that the kids cannot help their genetic make up, one of the considerations that kept me going with them. I love those kids very much. I will never give up on them like their mother did, she abandoned them on the side of the road at one point (during a fight with her husband) and our girl was abandoned by her yet again, our girl did behave atrociously and was ungovernable so was admitted into a psychiatric hospital. We collected our girl from hospital and kept her until she decided that grass was greener again! We got legal custody of the twins from a judge, also we had intense evaluations done to determine our fitness as parents. I did take issue there a little, but I understood that with such a disturbed child as our daughter it was necessary. The bio mother finally did go for evaluations and counseling and our girl became of age to choose where she wanted to live, we endured to get her probation terminated in this parish to give her the freedom of choice. My husband says he will emancipate her if he thinks she will try to come back and just use us again, there is a disctint possibility of that. Sociopaths really do terrible things to those who love them if they are allowed to!! It took soooooooooo long for my husband to finally realize what was going on. It also took me a long time to come to terms with dealing with a sociopath at such close quarters and counseling helped me with that. I can disregard unpleasant people in society, I do not have to live with them!! LOL
I often feel the need just to VENT!! I do not actually like taking gripes to my husband, there is some resentment there that my biological kids turned out well. I do accept that because I raised them without their father that it was easier, perhaps because I did not have anyone to contradict me?? I still had my struggles raising kids but disrespect and ill manners was a big NO NO. I understand that kids will do silly things (I am not without my share of mistakes) and there is so much that I can forgive very easily. I do not think I am too egotistic when I insist on respect, it was suggested!! LOL OHHhhhh aaaaaaaaaargggggggg (1,2,miss a few, 99 100, counting to 10 just does not cut it sometimes). No one is perfect, and kids do not come with an instruction kit...LOL I may be old fashioned with my values but I honestly believe that kids should be raised to be civil and respectful of others.
Regarding the stealing of
Regarding the stealing of money from your purse--I've been there. Boy was I shocked when DH's two teen children moved in a few years ago and $20 bills just started...disappearing. Along with other things...hmmm? I didn't know at the time that they were both alcoholics and drug users. Anyway, like your DH, mine blamed ME at first. Then he tried to blame BD, who was 10 years old at the time. Then he tried to blame the "friends" of his kids. I felt so violated! I had never had to hide my purse before. DH completely believed his kiddie-poos when they told him they didn't steal anything and that I was paranoid and out to get them.
So I bought a safe and put all my money, purse, cards, blank checks, watches, and jewelry into it. I also bought a small cabinet with a large padlock which I put in my closet. I put all prescription meds in the cabinet, all alcohol (not much left by then), plus anything else that they could steal--like our change jar. DH was pretty angry at ME about the safe and the cabinet--he continued to believe that I was paranoid. I heard lectures about how I should be "more trusting" and that buying a safe was not sending "the right message" to his sensitive children.
Well, when DHs wallet was the only source of money that they could steal, DH learned pretty quickly what was going on. Still, he continuted to assert their innocence and "immaturity" --as he, too, put his wallet in my safe when he was home. (I am convinced that the only reason I have any jewelry left was because I got that safe).
DH finally saw the light when we came home from a weekend away and SD had tried to pry open the safe and my locked cabinet. Can't miss pry marks, can we? He finally got sick of living in "lockdown" in his own home and kicked his kids out (they were over 18 by then). They left rather willingly--there was nothing much they could steal in our home anyway. It was much easier to steal from their mom and friends.
So my advice to you is to buy a safe and use it! Let the kids steal from your DH, not you. Until that happens, everything will be YOUR fault.
Yes indeed, Sarah. I
Yes indeed, Sarah. I understand the bias, what I believe they are all failing to understand here that I have no bias, I accepted these kids as my own, into our home, when their cuckoo bird mothers abandoned them and I love them as part of my husband. I have tried to explain how I feel but I get so choked up that I am told that I am being a 'victim of my emotions'and to 'get off my pity pot'. This morning I told my husband that irony is that I am not sorry for my own self! I am in fact sorry that the kids will have such a rude awakening when they do enter society at large. He says I have to 'accept' what is totally unnaceptable to me. I cannot accept downright rudeness and disrespect, I do ignore it and not give in to demands though. When I do that the proverbial sh1t hits the fan, they bitch to him about me and he often validates them with that. Just this morning, however, and on a brighter note, my husband did tell me that he has reiterated to the kids that without me here they would not have all the things that they do. I said I would like him to counsel them a bit more often on the issue of respect, good manners, and the same acceptance that he asks me to have. I am all 'accepted out' and worn out!! I need some acceptance of who I am! Whether they like it or not I am their parent by choice, I would like them to recognize that I am not their bio mother. So often it's 'you are not my mom' and if they only but knew it I could get down on my knees and thank the Lord that I am not their bio mom. I would never negate their mothers to them. I could have chosen not to be a step mother to them. I do accept a lot of things, like my husband says 'you cannot force someone to listen' but as I see it his passivity is not helping the kids in any way. He is allowing them to be disrespectful to him and I both and then if I do not tolerate their disrespect towards me then it causes confusion in their minds. I am a 'bitch' if I correct them, if my husband and I do not agree to work together on these issues then I am at a total loss and it goes against the grain with me, as a bio parent of 3 grown kids, to just sit back and let the kids mess up. I feel that by 'keeping the peace' so to speak that it creates an imbalance. I feel like I am going to be counting the days until they leave home!! LOL I feel fairly sure that as they get older and experience more they will thank me. God it's hard to bear at times!! My husband is so liberal it's unbelievable!! How can he tolerate basic rules of society being flagrantly ignored in our home? Why do I just have to accept, or disregard? I should absolve myself of the role as parent?
On a more positive note, every time there is a huge blowout of feelings there are positive outcomes. The old 'plant the seed' thing goes on and things do blend a bit better. It's a crying shame that we have to have a blowout for that to occur though!! Other than that all is well...LOL I might see a difference in the behaviors in about three weeks, as a rule of thumb that's how long it takes for the 'seed' to germinate and for hubby to percieve it as his idea...Ohhh dear ohhh dear, the things we have to do for the greater good. I will be sure to post the changes...LOL
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Yep... right in there with
Yep... right in there with you. Read my litany on my post. The stealing.. oh I have been there over and over again. At one stage my middle stepson stole the last $50 (It was a note) we had to our name and I KNEW he had done it. I started frantically looking for it and he helped, even though I knew he had got it, I made myself cry to test out just how bad he is and there was absolutely NO emotion from him that this was all the money we had and I was crying and I do mean NO emotion. All he gives a damn about is HIM.
I too moved to the USA to be with my husband and right now I feel what a mistake! I so know where you are coming from with all this because the bio Mom has dumped all her kids on me and I have cared for them but she has done all the fun stuff and they treat her like a Queen and me like sh**.
I for one am here for you so vent right away anytime. That is what I am here for right now because I am angry, confused, hurt and totally despairing.