Yesterday SS 18 refused to ride me to the store for an item, dish detergent, he used it up cleaning his truck and the house needed it. I have a broken toe, I can get around as long as I do not put pressure on it. DH said tell SS to ride you in our car, SS's truck has a radiator issue...our car does too but not as bad. I knocked on SS's door and asked if he'd ride me and he said he's not driving anywhere, I understood that, and said dad says use our car. SS asks me why I do not just drive my own self? Not even 'simon (aka dad) says' did it this time! I walked to the store got the dish soap, told DH what happened and he said I should have woken him up and he'd ride me. DH seriously does need to rest, he's in a lot of pain too and works damned hard for his family. I told DH that SS was to do the dishes as a fitting consequence for not riding me to the store. I was livid! White hot! I calmed down, went to bed and slept.
I wake up this morning and DH is putting himself in pain to deal with dishes? He tells me SS and he have done some already and are now going to do the rest.
This took me right back to 8 years ago, DH will NOT allocate chores or issue consequences. I did disengage, which brings me to right now and the feelings I have that I am keeping under wraps right now. I cannot suddenly re engage and what I really want to do is tell the boy something. What I feel more like doing is telling DH something! Like 'the boy is 18 not 8 and he does not need daddy to hold his hand while he does dishes! I get that 'encouraging' kids means starting out helping them and then letting them do more and more...the boy is 18! Did I mention that already? Sorry!
What I am trying to do is to wrap my head around the idea that 'the dishes are done so I do not give a crap who did them.'
I am taking deep breaths, blowing a gasket really is not helpful right now.
The boy really does grasp what is going on, he just does not give a shit.
Maybe my way of dealing with things is not the best way, I'd be more direct and I would not let him off the hook, nor would I 'help' an 18 year old to do dishes unless it was after a family meal and everyone was on good terms.
The boy dropped out of school in sophomore year, does not have his GED, disregarded college, does not have a job, is not paying rent or insurance on his truck or any rent to us. I am in favor of helping out until the boy gets back on his feet but I draw the line at his disrespect and attitude and unwillingness to contribute to the household.
DH has blinkers on, again! This kid left home when he was barely 17 and did the round of friends and his mother, once each one asked him for rent he moved on...waited until the dust settled and played swoperoo again with them all. He's sleeping in his older brother's room right now and his brother came to us and said he's getting tired of it. I told him to start charging rent, that's what everyone else did to get rid of him! It's going to come to a showdown between the two boys pretty soon and it will not be pretty. I have urged DH to deal with the situation. I get that the older boy allowed his brother to sleep in his room, the intentions were good, but the older boy deserves a bit more support from his dad and me. I also understand that it was for 'just a month until I get some cash together' on the younger boy's part. It's too much! I am livid and I do not hide how I feel very well. Going into hiding is what DH does, I have done it too but no longer. This is MY home, I have rights here and if DH does not want to handle the situation then I will have to do something about it. Too much drama with the younger SKids, SD is in jail, a whole litany from the entire state and juvenile justice system on that one! SS, they are twins, is equally as bad but much more plausible and manipulative. It's SICK! I think I have had just about enough of it all to be honest. It's not going to get any better as long as DH crawls up their asses every time? What's with that?? DH says 'I'll talk to him'. What's with that too? I get that it's his son, he's mine too now, but enough is enough already! I cannot condone enabling the boy to be lazy and disrespectful like that...here's the catch though...I disengaged! I am aware I am ranting, but I have to get it out! I am also aware that it's his son and his tolerance for bullshit is higher than mine. I guess it's going to come to a head pretty soon and I will stay out of it but it's going to be hard and I value the support you all give.
The list goes on, the boy was standing in the kitchen drinking an alcoholic beverage and boldly tells me he got it accross the highway! I state that he's not yet 21 and he doesn't seem to care. I asked DH if he was aware the boy was drinking downstairs and he said 'I am now' and turned over and went back to sleep! Next thing I hear is the boy's truck starting up?? Ohh well...let him get a DUI?! I get DH's letting him take his own consequences for that. I seriously doubt that the boy will go anywhere any time soon, DH is becoming depressed and is about to start a course of Chemo and that can have a side effect of depression...we do not need this crap! Things were going very smoothly up until the younger boy moved in, the older boy is very much obliged to stay with us since his car wreck and he was disabled for four years and is just back on his feet less than a year and he needs the respite...not the younger one! Older SS contributes greatly to the house and family.
I am just soooooooo sick and tired of it all right now. Maybe I need to step a little further back and just do my own thing for a while. Engross myself in my hobbies, I have a spare room to decorate as a guest room. It's escapism just the same as DH is doing right now by sleeping, I am aware, but I need to go and do something constructive before I explode!!!!!!!!!
Thanks for listening.