How old is your SS? And, how long has she been divorced to SS's dad?

My SS16 is the same way and has been since his mother and my DH got divorced - 9 years ago. He lives with BM full time and she got really soft on him. As he grew, he kind of stepped in as the man of the house and BM did everything possible to alienate my DH.

My DH is guilty of the same thing and since he only gets him EOW, he does the guilty/disney dad thing. These kids learn the weak spots right from the get go and play on them. If they are not given the same rules and discipline that they had when the family was intact - it's almost as if the parents are enabling them to be this way.

In my case - SS's behavior started out when he was 7. Each time he has done something and pushed the limits, he is coddled and excuses are made. Each year he gets worse and worse. Disrespects adults, lies, cheats, steals - and the consequences may be tougher than the last set of consequences, but the punishment never fits the crime. He knows he can be like this and nothing will happen. Unfortunately at 16, there is no changing him unless he recognizes the problem and wants to change.

In Sept, I finally thought he'd hung himself (figuratively) - he got arrested for selling/using drugs on school property - felony charges. Maybe now he'll learn. Nope - come to find out, BM knew he had drug issues since he was 13, never told my DH until the kid was arrested. When she did find it, she had her older boy from prev. relationship sell it for the cash. SS and BM have admitted that his so-called suicide attempt right after he was arrested and released into her care was to avoid the felony. Whenever a teenager screams suicide these days, they lessen the charges. He was charged with a misdemeanor, 4 months probation - AND THAT's IT!!!!!!!!! He has gotten even more aggressive since that little smack on the wrist, especially toward me and my DH's and my 6 mo. old baby. When he does come to our house, the baby sleeps in our room with the door locked!.

He calls our house demanding to talk to his dad and if I say he's not there - he says I'm lying. I just hang up and now refuse to answer whenever he or BM calls. Last weekend was his 1st visit in 2 months because of his behavior and my DH ended up taking him early because he was a complete shit to me. I work a lot of hours during the week and juggling a baby is very tiring - the weekends are mine to relax. Every corner I turned last weekend he was running his mouth and I just wanted to lay him out.

With your SS only being 11, maybe things can change for him. But 1st, everyone has to recognize there is a problem Counseling would be a great idea for him and the family. Does your wife let you discipline?

If I were you - I don't care if its her son or not, I wouldn't let anybody talk to my spouse that way. Have you ever stepped in when he's dropping the F-bombs on his mom? Does he spend any time with his dad?

Everybody always refers to it as "guilty dad - disney dad" - it would appear your wife is "guilty mom- disney mom". She sees him Wednesday nights, and on the weeks, sometimes only partial weekends. She probably doesn't want to spend the time arguing - or, she may know that it won't do any good anyway - since he is with his dad full time.

Probably both are afraid to approach because they don't want to "hear it" or feel the aftermath from the child. But, that's part of being a parent. Unfortunately a lot of parents parent that way. Everytime we go somewhere we see kids bossing their parents around. Kids run the show - and its worse with blended families.

As far as him telling you to shut the F up - you're the man of the house, he is a child. I feel you have a right to set him straight.

Welcome mike! Hey, let me ask you this... if a stranger spoke to your wife this way, what would you do? Would you stand up and defend her? Well, that's exactly what you should do in this situation. This isn't about being a 'parent' or 'step-parent'. This is about standing up to someone disrespecting the love of your life... NO ONE should talk to your wife that way and you, as a gentleman can demand that respect. You can tell your wife that if she's ok with being disrespected that way, then that is her right... but you should not be ok with that and I would demand that the child not disrespect 'your wife' in your presence.

Approaching it from that angle sort of takes the 'mean step parent' out of the equation and makes it about respect for your spouse. That has benefits farther reaching if it can teach him how to respect women/spouses in the long run.

wow 11y.o with a mouth like that!? Got soap on tap? i am having issues with my SS who is 9y.o., we have main custody BM has weekend visitation she is unstable! She left DH for another man & isn't panning out n3years later! it's not SS swearing but defiant of anything you say and disrespectful everyone has to pickup after him and BM softens up & just does it! he has spent too much time over school holidays with BM and comes back distant from me and 11y.o SD is slightly distant but i am lucky to stil get a kiss from her!
The latest is SS said to DH i don't want a stepmum or dad! I am in tears alot from the distance i am getting from the kids last couple of months i feel lost communicating with them now! Help?

Mike, what do you do? do you try talk to your kid to teach her to respect your new wife? my BF tellls me he talks to the kids when i am not there! but i find out all he does say is "do you like Soxy(me)& how much?" HOW annoying thats not teaching them to respect me and telling them he loves me and they have to be kind to me! I do so much for them and i work fulltime my butt off & weekends somwtimes, whilst he has a cushy job! and had the nerve to ask me to vacuum whilst he goes fishing and golf the day before whilst i worked and tehn did loads of washing and cooked dinner!Grrrrr

he broke up with me this morning...

You dont have to like him. He's not your kid. Respect him, this way you can only expect respect in return. If he gets out of line, or is further disrespectful to your wife, determine a methos of appropriate discipline or ask him n0t to return to your home. Would you allow any other man come to your home and create an uproar or disrespect your wife in that manner. Afterall, one of your roles in marraige is to protect her. At eleven, I would spank his naked as*

Mike,

Welcome, I hope you find STalk a good place to vent, contibute and pick us some useful perspective from others who are dealing wiht blended family issues.

I think it is time to play the "MY WIFE" card with the lippy little shit SS.

As in "you will not speak to my wife that way anywhere at any time and most definately not in MY home". I would be in his face and ready to blister his ass if he so much as blinks at at that point. Once he deflates a little bit I would hand him his coat, grab your coat and take the young man for a serious man-to-man-talk-walk. I know he is only 11yo but now is the time to nip this behavior in the bud before he is a 16yo lippy little deviant.

Just my thoughts of course.

Good luck and best regards,

Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)

i did so much for this family then DH told BM all our business! he wished her & the BF she left him for dead the other day & then tells her all our business & how why we broke up how insecure & jealous i was!oh my god i can't believe the lies! she sent me an email of abuse sticking up for him! why is it when they are in the wrong they play the victim to look good! Told Me he loved me very much 3 days before, breaks up, then He jumped back on the dating site where we met the day after, on Valentines Day! stab me in the gut why don't you! he got abused by his sister for doing that!
My abusive ex husband (i was married at 19)did the same told all i was having an affair & left! which was all crap! he forgot to mention the truth that he abused me nearly every day & i finally got courage to leave! i was scared of him!
My new ex's sister was callling me saying I feel for you & saying the kids are sad i am gone!Then next she abuses me for letting our/their freinds know we broke up & now i am mentally unstable & a bunny boiler! oh my god who is unstable here? i don't take or need Meds like that family they all do take them!
I told to stop this & lies thrown around & sort out her own life before others!
i look forward to going to work to keep me busy & my mind off things!

thanks for your kind words...
every day gets abit easier as long as i dont'get anymore emails & texts from my ex's family!
he is so gutless! everyone else is sending me msgs except him! he spreads teh lies & i get whammed!? go figure!
i am not perfect but i certainly did so much for them all!
other family & freinds of theirs said i was the best girl he ever met! I ws too good & got taken advantage!
that's me! happens all the time! get told i am too nice!
Why? How do i change? For the worst? just to pickup a guy?
i cannot be anyone different or bitchy!
Never had that character, never will!

Sounds like the SS needs a good old fashioned spanking!!!

Hi, my name is Peter and i am engaged to a single mother who has a son 7 years of age. For the past yeah my step son has called me Dad.
My step sons Bio Father left the Bio Mother when she was 7 months pregnant and has never really had any interest in his own son at all.
My step son has ADHD and ODD.
I live in with my fiance and my step son but i am treated like dirt as is my fiance. My step son does not like going to school and every morning almost puts up a fight before going to school.
If his mother or i try to speek to him about any issues involving his behaviour the response we get is Blah Blah Blah.My step son has vandalised almost every house in which either my fiance and i have lived in and the houses in which just my fiance lived in. My stepson kicks holes in walls, pees all over his clothing, swears at his mother or me assaults his mother or me and even hurts our pet from time to time.
The behaviour has neither stopped or got any better it only continues.As a result of this behaviour it causes me and my fiance to have arguments on a regular basis. Just yesterday morning my step son had wet the bed and needed to shower that morning. Instead of getting up and having a shower before school my step son turned the shower on for a second then afterwards dressed himself. I woke in the morning and asked him why he had not had a shower he told me he had had a shower but had dried very quickly i knew this was not true as did his mother but my step son would not let up on the truth.He swore and went as far as assaulting his mother when she was forced to place him in the shower herself.After he got out of the shower he refused to move he was then sent to his room where he screamed i want to get the 'f8&%K OUT OF HERE', then continued to scream and vandalise his room, 3-4 minutes later he had calmed down and was trying to hug us but we were not as understanding by this time. We then decided to keep him back from school for fear of a follow through at school and a phone call letting us know he had misbehaved at school. My stepson only attends school from 9.00am till 1.00pm, his mother cannot get a job because of this tme schedule and because the frequent phone calls asking her to come get him from school because of his misbehaviour. My step son has been also known to assault his teachers and also assult other students at school. There is alot more i could tell you all but i think this will be enough to process for now. My stepson is on medication called ritalin and was seeing a councelor on a regular basis but the councilor was convinced that my stepson is fine and that our parenting strategies are not up to scratch we have tried multiple strategies in order to help my stepson control himself but these have always ended in letdowns.

Sorry also i would just like to ask about what you mean by frightening things going on in his life other than a step father, my stepson isnt a subject of divorce nor has he been subject to fighting and arguing.

Hello Peter,
How long did you try the solutions I have suggested? They aren't short term solutions, they take a very long time before seeing any change in behaviour. What do you mean by your SS is respected and well treated? Children see things differently to us adults. Have you or his mather said we could of done or handled a situation differently or even just thought it to yourself? Sometimes we as parents tend to go off way to fast, which in turn makes the child get on the defence straight away. Maybe nice even voices when your SS has or is doing what you wouldn't like him to be doing. Give him a suggestion to what you would like him to do instead. It isn't up to him to control himself, it is up to you as parents to lead him. If he is having a hard time maybe backing off wait for him to settle down before saying anything that may course him to start (as you say) vandalising the house, or whatever behaviour you don't like him to do. I too have a very quick tempered son, I found not answering when things start to get the better of him is working. He has no one to argue with if I don't answer and I take myself away from him. I understand your SS needs to have consequences for swearing and whatever other behaviour he has. I'm suggesting you not confront him when he is misbehaving other than sending him to his room. Confronting him may only aggravate the situation and your back at the beinging again. Wait for him to calm down, tell him you felt sad to hear him make himself sound like a little boy by swearing, you know he has better words to use. Then tell him the consequence for swearing, don't make it to harsh a punishment to start with. Maybe he could go to bed early that night or miss his favorite TV show, eventually his swearing will subside. Then when a situation does arise and you notice that he didn't swear, wait for him to calm down, tell him you noticed he had found the right words to use, well done. Then you could reward him by saying he could have desert after dinner. You need to find what you can reward him with, I don't know your reward system, I'm just giving ideas that I use. You can also use the rewards the other way too, like taking away the desert for his behaviour. Even though you may not have been going to desert that night, but make sure you and his mother have one. I understand by what you have written, your SS only attends school for a short period a day because of his behaviour. The school needs to have their own strategies, don't deal with them at home. School and home are two different environments and deal with things in a different way. I see I upset you by my saying your SS is crying out for someone to help him deal with all the frightening things that maybe going on in his little life. It is easy for a child to be scared when a parent is going off at him/her, or being bullied can scare a child. I'm sure you can remember what it was like for you when one or both of your parents went off at you, not a good feeling yeah? The child tends to lash out before anyone can hurt them, I hope that clears up what I meant. Sorry I should of stopped writing long ago but I got on my soap box and didn't know when to get off.

When i was a child i had an outlet, my outlet was'nt violence it was SkateBoarding and this helped me get through alot of hard times in my life. I have spoken to my SS and he has explained to me that he behaves badly for me because when i react his mother gets angry at me and he likes to see this it makes him feel good. His reason for doing this constantly is because it is payback for the way i speek to his mother when we are having a dissagreement. Mate you have some amazing strategies which i have been using for a long time. When my SS has played up he is sent to his room but when it comes to me sending my SS to his room the answer is 'no', i repeat myself 3 times before i switch my SS's punishment to an alternative like early bed time that night it is then when my SS decides he will go to his room but by this time it is too late. My SS lashbacks are almost instantaneous there is'nt time to give for him too cool down. Sometimes there are stages, first is begging and when my SS doesnt get the outcome he was hoping for then comes the aggression. This is'nt a text book scenario and i could quite easily quote text book strategies and reactions, on another subject it has been two years since i first started living with my Fiance and my SS this behaviour has been consistent the whole time.
I did step back for only a short period of time but in this short period the behaviour seemed to get worse and it came to a point where my SS did not listen to me at all. I do raise my voice but only when speeking in a calm tone gets me nowhere, when i then need to raise my voice i get yelled at back or worse. The only option available that would avoid this outcome would be to let my SS continue doing what it was he was doing that was not appropriate and then there would be no lash back and calling his mother may just cause an argument between the two of us.

Hi Peter,
Well you must of been one of the lucky ones to have had an outlet. I know I didn't, not unless you call bashing anyone (kids) that didn't like what I wanted to do. I suppose you could call me one of the bullies in the neighbourhood and school. Thank god I out grew that and learnt how to cope in other ways.
Okay getting back on track talking about your SS.
You say your SS refuses to go to his room until you change the consequence. He knows that is what you are going to do, he plays you well. Don't change, stand your ground and don't enter into a debate about it either. Have you tried the 1, 2, 3,? When you say to your SS go to your room (for whatever reason) and he says no, don't keep at him. Just start counting 1, 2, normally a child will go but if you do get to 3. You can then, say oh what a shame you didn't go to your room, now you have to miss out on desert tonight. I know any child will say I'll go now. Now you have the choice to say yes or no to that. If this is not the normal way you deal with your SS, I would say yes go to your room. When your SS is calm tell him there are no more chances once you start counting, but if you get to 3 he will not only have to go to his room but he will also miss out on desert (if that is the consequence you have chosen at that time).
By the way how old is your SS?
You said your SS told you he behaves badly towards you because his mother gets angry at you, also your SS is paying you back for the way you speak to his mother. Kids don't understand pay back, that is an adult term. Also in an earlier post you said your SS doesn't hear you and his mother arguing. Really this young boy feels he needs to stand up for his mother. Do yourself, Fiancee and your SS a favour by not arguing in front of him. Wait for him to go to bed or go to school (that's if you're home at that time). I know this can be hard at times, you may find you'll have a better relationship with your SS. Then he won't feel the need to protect his mother. You should remember it is natural for a mother to protect her young being human or animal. In any relationship the young come first even when you are the birth father. You said SS's bio father never stuck around, have you thought this little boy is protecting himself for when you take off too. So don't be too hard on your SS for his protectiveness of his mother, when you stop and think about it she has been his security. His mother is the one person that is still there, I'm sure there are other family members but your mother is your mother no matter how you look at it. No one can replace a mother in any of our lives.

We have had another breakthrough with my SS. Yesterday morning there was a small incident which turned into a HUGE incident. My SS was cought playing with something he knows he is not aloud to play with.
I was the one who cought him so he swore black and blue that he did not do it.(By proving he did not do it he would have been making me look very silly for acusing him in the eyes of his mother). Well i decided to make a stand, we informed my SS that he was not moving until the truth was told. We got a number of different scenarios but it took some time, after we had an explanation of what happened which matched what we had found ourselves we then asked my SS what was his reasons for lying for such a long time. The first answer we got was that he did not want to get sent to his room, i found this reason hard to believe as my SS was not in any immediate trouble in the beginning. After some screaming, kicking furniture around and running away my SS came outside where we were sitting sat down and explained.
He said when Dad catches me i swear black and blue because mum will yell at him if i make him wrong and it will cause an argument because i dont like him (Me). This took my SS a very long time to explain and after he had done so i told him i am so proud of him for speeking his feelings.I then explained to my SS that if he could be more honest about his true feelings we would be able to help my SS feel better and understand more when these things happen.
I have thought alot about what we speek about here and i find that my fiance asks me to work harder on the relationship between my SS and i but i think that my SS needs to work on the relationship he would like to have with me. My fiance tells my SS that dad is here to stay and there isnt much you can do about that, i do'nt agree with this and i think that if my SS doesnt want to form a relationship with me then he should'nt be forced, otherwise our relationship wont be real. On another subject i have monitored the patterns in my SS's tantrums and they are broken down into only two stages. The first is desperation the second is aggression then the desperation will repeat looking for some kind of break if this is not found aggression will begin again and this can continue for a long time. I also feel as though i am Step Fathering a 3-4 year old at times in reguards to ability and mental copacity. Before i go on i request that you do'nt tell me that all young children at the age of eight do this. Me and my fiance have our hands full 24/7 in regaurds to my SS's correct me if im wrong but i will call this blatent laziness. My SS does not wipe his bottom, he does not want to shower of a morning (still wetting the bed), forgets his school bag every morning unless we remind him, leaves his toys out, leaves clothes on the floor, leaves pencils and paper all over the floor and the list goes on. Before i say anymore i do understand that bed wetting is perfectly normal. I know these things do not seem so severe but there is many many more. When i awake in the morning i become a robot i feel and even though my SS is forgetting all these things he still believes im treating him like an idiot when i remind him of what he has forgotten and his response will be 'I Know' but the truth is, if me and his mother did not remind him of everything he would simply not do it. I'm wondering if perhaps we are reinforcing my SS's bad memory or laziness with our constant reminders maybe we should not remind him and then he will learn the consequence of his own actions but then the question arises are we then classed as bad parents for letting these things happen.
I understand you say these things take time but my fiance is already 30 and wanting to work in order to better our lives as am i. But because of our serious curcumstances she receives a carers allowance because with all this happening my fiance would only hold new employment for one week. Should we make a stand at his school.
My SS learnt that if he was to misbehave at school teachers would send him home, taking into consideration he only attends school, 9am till 1pm some days and 9am till 11am other days. We informed the school that my SS knew how this all worked and the school promised not to send him home after misbehaving but if he was to use physical violence then they would not have a choice because of the guidelines they must follow. Well my stepson soon got a wind of this after assaulting another student at school he then realised he needed to step it up a notch in order to get sent home. If ny SS wants to go home he knows what to do and he does this regularly. The school has also informed my SS that if he was to behave his time in school would increase but what do you think he will do with this information. The pattern can almost be read like a book.
Good behaviour acouple of days, then bad behaviour in order to keep school at a minimum. See i am quite the opposite to other people i will explain. Some people believe my SS isnt very smart at all and his school work is very bad. I have seen my step son write beautifully and i know he is smart as hell but he applies his knowledge in all the wrong places and only does his school work when it so pleases him and even then the writing cannot be read.
The only dissapointment i have is that my SS applies all his smarts into conspiring. My SS's councillor believes i am delusional and tells me that if i stay in this mind frame i will only make things worse but i believe by getting to the bottom of the real issues problems can be solved. I will end here for now hope to hear from you again soon, kind reguards Pete.

Hi Peter,
I agree with talking to the school, otherwise your SS isn't going to get a decent education. From what you're telling me, your SS is very intelligent as he has realised how the system works. The school should be able to put something in place like redirecting his behaviour even if it is to distract him from what he was doing.
How long has your SS been attending school between these times?
In the past I have found schools over reward for good behaviour, eg; free computer time, free time, extra play time, lollies also a reward card to go with all these rewards for their behaviour. These rewards don't happen to other kids that don't have behaviour issues, yes they get the reward card but that's it. So why do they set kids up for a such a hard fall? When the kids don't get the rewards they did in the past, then the teachers wonder why the kids are playing up.
Well that was a big statement coming from a young boy about not liking you. I would want to know why so I could do something about it. I have a hard time believing you said you were proud of your SS for expressing his feelings. That would of put a big hole in my heart if I was told that. I feel very lucky because none of my kids or step kids have never said anything like that to me.
I can understand your fiancee asking you to try harder to have a relationship with her son. If your relationship doesn't work where does that leave you and your fiancee? I don't believe it is up to the child to try harder, they don't know how to communicate on an adult level, but adults can revert back to being a child. So it is so much easier for the adult to get down to the child level. Boys love to play with balls even if you played ball with your SS for 1/2 hour a day. I'm sure you'd find your SS opening up to you so much. He might feel comfortable enough to tell you things which in turn is building your realtionship. You may find you both have a comfort zone doing something together just the two of you.
With your SS's forgetfulness I think that is all kids in general.
My kids do all of what you said, my eldest is 11 years old, for some reason their heads are running faster than they themselves are. I just turn it all into a joke, (school bag). Hey sweetie you on a diet? (towel) Mate pick up your towel or someone might wipe their dirty feet on it poo wee.
Does you SS get pocket money?
You could set jobs that need to be done for maybe 10 or 20 cents a job. Write the jobs on a chart then tick them off or have him tick them off when they are done. Only a suggestion, it may help, it did mine.
You didn't say how old your SS is.

Mike, You say you have kids and they wouldnt talk to you or your wife the say SS talks to both of you.. what would you do if it were your kids talking like that?? Handle it the same way, and when your wife gets mad, tell her that all the kids need to have the same rules.
Let her know that kids need bounderies, and that if she dont set them for her disrepectful child you will not help with bail money when he gets arrested... because if things dont change with his attitude and behavior its not a question of if, its when he will be arrested.
I dont care how headstrong the kid is, he is a kid! and what he needs is someone to stand up and be an adult and teach him how to respect!
In my house I will respect you if you respect me.. I have a 21 yr old daughter and a 19 yr old son.. they wouldnt NEVER speak to me that way... their dad walked out when they were 9 and 11, and there was one time my daughter smacked my husband in the face.. it was the first and the last time.. it was very clear to her that she crossed a line. I know there are times when my 19 yr old will go in his room mumbling things about me.. but if you cant live by my rules then get out of my house!
Your wife needs to understand that you are in this together, it might not be your business to decide what religion the kid is, but it is your RIGHT to put your foot down and say "not in my house, not to my wife!"
as dr. phil once said, you have the tail wagging the dog.. you purposely stay out of your own home when he is there.. make a strong stand, make it clear, and consistant and let your wife know that it is happening and she needs to back you. with all the kids at my house (2 kids are mine, 2 kids are his and 2 kids are ours) I dont care who the biological mother or father is, they live here and we always try to say "we" not me, not I.. but We .. then they know they cant play one against the other and we are in this together.