Adult SD still causing problems
Hi, all. I need some support as I have been made to feel like the most horrible, evil, wicked stepmother that ever lived. My SD is now 19. She lives with her grandmother. She moved out at 18 after years of verbal and physical abuse. She even hit and punched my 4 and 6 year old daughers. My DH always looked the other way. The final straw came when she flunked high school, refused to help around the house, refused to get a job,disrespected me, and then finally almost burned down our house. She cursed me and told me to f*** off you f***ing b****. DH STILL let her go on vacation with us and let her take her boyfriend too. Said he couldn't disappoint her boyfriend by telling him SD was disrespectful and wasn't going on vacation. Life has been so much better since she left. Ahhh! The peace and quiet. DH and I have been in counseling and have made great strides. Until SD causes problems. She threatens to hit me IN CHURCH! Not sure what set her off. I hadn't even talked to her in 2 weeks. I think she's bipolar. DH gives her a vehicle without talking it over with me. She doesn't work, isn't in school, doesn't help grandma, grandma waits on her hand and foot, spends all day on the phone texting or on the computer. Today DH and I had another arguement. We are having a tough time financially and he told SD he would give her money to help out. Told me I was wrong to think she should start acting like an adult and paying her own way. Told me he would support her until the day he died. Said she had ADD, so he has to support her. My God! He acts as if she is mentally handicapped! SD still manages to cause problems with us even though she does not live here anymore. Is it wrong to expect an adult child to start taking some responsibility for herself? I personally feel that I've done my job as a parent if my children are responsible citizens when they become adults. If they are lazy and irresponsible, then I haven't done my job as a parent. I think DH has handicapped her by doing so much for her for so long. I feel like he may have done this because he is so guilt ridden because her mother died and he has been to busy with work to spend time with her. Could I be right about this? Should I just shutup and let him spend our money on her? Or do I have a right to at least be informed of what is going on? Do I have the right to voice my opinion that I don't think he's helping her by giving her handouts? DH has been real good at making me the bad guy in this whole situation. His "poor baby" neve does anything wrong. I've had to be treated for depression because of the constant stress and blame that I receive. Sorry I'm rambling. I had high hopes for the new year that things were improving with DH and I. Then SD sticks her nose in the middle again.
Don't feel bad. Of course
Don't feel bad. Of course the world is going to not 'get' SD the way her poosie-woopsie daddy does lol! Has she ever seen a counselor or therapist for her issues?
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"The movies are the only business where you can go out front and applaud yourself." -
Will Rogers
I think the only thing you
I think the only thing you can do in this circumstance is to disengage yourself when it comes to her and your dh. BUT i would make SOLID lines with your dh.
1. THE BILLS GET PAID FIRST. Doens't matter who he promised what first, mortgage, electricity, food, gas, any bill payment comes first before any money goes to his daughter. If he has any extra left over of HIS money, not yours, then he can give and its his business.
2. if your bank accounts are joint, SEPERATE THEM IMMEDIATELY. Since he made the statement he wants to support his daughter till he is dead, Fine, snappy dandy! HE CAN DO IT WITH HIS CASH ONLY, NOT YOURS!
3. Any vacation taken as a family will not include her or her boyfriend for the following reasons:
a. she physically harmed children
b. she uses obscene language with you.
c. she obviously doens't like you and therefore going on vacation will never include her.
So if your dh goes on vacation and wants her along , they can go alone together. EI IF HE WANTS TO INCLUDE HIS DAUGHTER IT WILL BE ON HIS TIME , NOT YOURS.
4. Unless she goes and sees a doctor about her 'condition', you want no contact, physical with her.
Those are the laws i would lay down with my dh. ANd if he didnt' like them and doesnt' respect me as his wife and human being who is his partner, then he can move out and go live iwth said daughter.
I agree with Angel
I agree with Angel above--seperate your accounts immediately! Chances are that your DH will continue to pay for SD and her bills will get bigger. Unless you want your hard-earned money to pay for her too (or you pay all the bills so DH can pay for his Princess), you have to make changes. DH won't. Neither will spoiled SD. And believe me, they won't care whether or not you can survive. You are there to enable their behavior by making giving easy. DH gets his jollies by being the hero-with-a-wallet and the savior of the Princess, and Princess has learned that being a bitch and a mooch is rewarded by her Daddy.
Believe me, I've been where you are--hell, I AM where you are! It's nearly impossible to break the bonds of dysfunction between guilt-ridden fathers and manipulative-princess daughters. So stop wasting your time trying, and instead focus on protecting yourself and your future. In these situations, the only one looking out for YOU is YOU.
Stepaside, those adult
Stepaside, those adult stepkids better not get use to grandma shelling cause lets face reality here, she's old, and sooner or later, time catches up. Your dh will lose his own mother, and his kids will be up shits creek by then cause where is the money gonig to come from. Especially if your dh doens't have it.
Yah, it sound awful to say someone will die..but that is reality. We all will and enabling any person like this, is to the person detriment in the long run.
i find now adays, kids have idea and even parents have this idea that you must support your kids well past the age of 18 and while 18 may not be the magic number for your kid to leave the nest, each family must decide that fate and you cant wait on them hand and foot.
I also see a trend that daddy or mommy must also pay for school. When the F did this come from ???? Kids are so entitled its unreal.
I remember my sd several years ago saying mom said daddy will pay for it. I said no. Your dad has no money and your gonna work for it. SHe went to her father and he said the exact same words. No, i'm not payinmg for your education. I'll help you as best as i can but you have to work and put yourself through college and university. Angel did it all on her own. What makes you special? So is mom going to pay for it too?
Sd response: oh mom said i should get a job.......
Lol...so dad has to pay cause he pays the CS but mom sits back and dishes nothing. SUCH BS
Ipegram, he may love his daughter but you dont have to suffer financial for her shortcomings and his inadequacy to be a logical ballsy parent.
But he is your husband. Keep that in mind, And you are his wife.
Absolutely agree 100%. See
Absolutely agree 100%. See if your DH will go to a counselor with you, to help get you both on the same page. Your marriage has to come first. If he wont go or quits going, you'll most likely have to set some guidelines for your home and disengage from SD. It is your home too and you have every right to protect yourself and your younger children physically, emotionally and financially. I've been there and done that with our SD19 and nothing changes until you and DH work together to change it. If he continues to keep the blinders on, than you have to make the changes yourself and set the rules for what's acceptable in your own home. I wish you lots and lots of good luck.
I wouldn't allow it. It
I wouldn't allow it. It would be a deal breaker for me with absolutely no arguments. Not one cent of my money would go to her. NOT ONE CENT.
Thanks everyone for the
Thanks everyone for the support. Yes, she did go to counseling off and on when she still lived here. The counselor advised that I step back and let her father take her. Well, that didn't last long. She only when occassionally because DH was too busy. Plus SD told him the only problem she had was ME. If I would just dissappear then her problems would be over. DH also didn't want to think there was anything "wrong" with his baby. Anyway, she's almost 20 now. Came by a couple of days ago. She seemed fine, but the thing is I never know when she's going to go off the deep end. Thats why I think she's bi polar. DH gave her her cell phone back. She's on our plan, ran up a $350 phone bill and couldnt pay it. DH issisted that she NEEDED a cell phone. She told a sob story about how she only has $25 to her name. Her health and car insurance are due and the vehicle DH gave her needs some work. I guess I wouldn't be so resentful of helping her out if she wasn't so lazy. She never lifted a finger to help out when she lived here. She wouldn't even do her homework which is why she flunked 12th grade. Since she's been at granny's, she has only worked 10 hours a week and hasn't been to school. Granny waits on her hand and foot. Granted, she finally signed up for 2 classes at the local community college next week. I still think its kind of slack and she has WAY too much free time on her hands. When I was her age, I was in college full time and working as much as I could. I just don't get this attitude of hers where she seems to think the world owes her a free ride. Things are tight for us finacially right now also. This is such a great place to vent. So glad to see that I'm not alone.