Skids, holidays, family...I'm freaking out!
I'm new here and have been reading through some of the threads that seem to be what I'm going through. Out of control Skids, oblivious DH, evil BM, yet I'M the bad guy for wanting some structure/rules...yada yada yada. And I'm noticing that a lot of the advice is to just hang back and wait. That one day all the mistakes the DH and BM are making with their kids will come back and bite them. But I have to live here now. And I have to clean up after the spoiled lazy little brats now. And I have to replenish the groceries after they have gone through the kitchen like locusts...now. And I am losing sleep over the fact that they will be with MY family for the holidays and will completely disrespect the people who I love dearly. And I can't do a thing about it!
I was expecting to have them come on Wednesday, and was dreading it. Then found out today that they are coming tomorrow instead. It literally made me cry. And I'm not a crier! I don't even know what my question is, or if I have a question, I'm just freaking out and needed to write it down in a place where people will understand. Because if you have never been a stepmom, I just don't think you can truly get how miserable it is.
To deal with it now, you
To deal with it now, you need to get your DH on board & together set ground rules for when the skids are in your home.
Holidays are stressful at the best of times, and even more so with blended families. Depending on the age of your skids you could perhaps talk to them beforehand about acceptable behaviour, especially if your going to other people's homes.
Not knowing more details of your situation I can't give any bettwe advise I'm afraid.
It's hard when your partners
It's hard when your partners parenting style is different from your own, and his parenting his producing awful results. I have similar feelings about how SS is with members of my family, when I know he is doing things that are driving them crazy but they are too polite to say anything. It hurts me to see my mom being aggravated, or having a BB gun pointed at her while DH says and does nothing to stop it because he accepts the behavior and expects me to as well. If they are completely out of control, and he won't correct them, would he have a problem with you correcting them?
"There comes a time when you have to surrender the idea of what your children could be to the reality of who they are."
First off- Are you talking
First off- Are you talking about NOW having to blend the new stepfamily in with your family?
Second- If so, omg, I know how nuts you feel. This is my FIRST year doing this also and not to mention the MIL is DRIVING up here, (if you only knew her)so ss5 screaming how he hates everything on the table, MIL is non stop running her big trap and my 18yr. bs standing there staring over at me with the look in his eyes, "Oh mom, what the hell have you got yourself in to?"
Argh.
The only thing I look
The only thing I look forward to on holidays is getting paid time off from work. The winter holiday season used to be my favorite but since I now have to deal with skids & in-laws, I couldn't care less if I slept though them. Add to the mix that the few family members I have left are no longer speaking to me thanks to my niece, I have no reason to celebrate anything. Yeah, I know, woe is me, but I just want peace and if that means staying away from everyone, that's fine by me. Too bad DH won't let me.
First of all, thank you all
First of all, thank you all for responding. Somehow it makes me feel somewhat sane to know that I'm not the only SM on the planet who goes through this stuff.
So, this morning when my husband got up and came in with his coffee, he says Good Morning, then tells me how he woke up much earlier with a horrible headache. I asked if he still had the headache and he said no, but that his shoulders are really sore. *Okay, I'll bite.* So I asked him what that was all about. He tells me that it's stress. He's stressed about me being stressed about the skids. What do I do with that??
I will definitely 'try' to set the rules before we go to my family's house. Over the summer, when we had the skids for a month, I would take them with me to run errands and set the ground rules for behavior in the stores before we left the house. I have a SD11 and SS7. The rules work when it's just me and the skids, but I can't think of a single time the rules work when DH is involved. It's like they know they can ignore my baseline when he's around.
The difference with our parenting styles is that I tell them what the expectations are, firm, straight up, no question. DH uses a lot of words, ties in emotions, then ends the conversation with ....okay? For example, after barging in and interrupting an ongoing conversation between DH and me, for the 15th time that day, he says "What have I told you about interrupting? It's not nice. When grown-ups are talking, you need to not interrupt us.....okay? Now what did you need?" using a voice so sweet I end up with a cavity just watching the exchange. Not to mention, he still allows the interruption! My way of dealing with that is to say "You are interrupting." Then turn back to continue my conversion. Then turn back after we're done talking and ask what SS or SD wanted. DH says I'm like a Drill Sergeant.
I think it embarrasses DH when I correct the skids in front of other people. I've noticed that he jumps in to use his correction method before I get the opportunity when we are at family events or with friends. Problem with that is he ends up spending all his time coddling the skids and no time visiting with the adults. At the end of the day, he's exhausted and pissy (and it's all my fault because he was trying to keep the skids from stressing me out), the skids have established their dominance, and I've disconnected completely from everyone.
My FH does the same $#it.
My FH does the same $#it. Everything is, "Okay?". You should never use that word with kids who have a track record of no rules or boundaries. Okay is like an open invitation for them to disagree and set their own rules. That's not how it is.
The way we were raised we got clear instructions on how we were expected to act, how we would behave and such...and after the instructions were given, we were told, "Understood!" That was not posed as a question. That was a direct order. And if orders were not followed, we were in trouble.
I wish FH was like that with Tortoise!! I try to be like that with him, but not as harsh as my parents were, and I always get the "Drop dead bitch" look from Tortoise.
And yes, I DO NOT want him around my family. I know exactly how he's going to act and I am not looking forward to it. This holiday is going to be difficult enough without his entitled spoiled rotten little ass making it harder for me.
I think I should write this
I think I should write this up because I'm still not sure it's real.
DH came home with the skids, sent them outside to play, and sat down to tell me how the pickup went. Before I start, let me say that I didn't ask him to do this. But we did talk this afternoon and I told him I had found this forum and I'm so relieved to find that I'm not broken. That these feelings are normal. Plus while we were talking, UPS delivered a couple of books I bought about how to cope with being a SM. Maybe these two things showed him that I'm seriously struggling and that I'm really trying to find a way to make this all work. Who knows...either way, here's what happened...
When he went to get the skids, he put their stuff in the car, then put ss7 in the car, then called sd11 over and told her and BM that the 3 of them needed to talk. He just laid it all out. He told them that we know about all the texting that goes on when SD11 is with us, and told SD11 that he understands that she thinks she is making BM feel good by badmouthing me and him, and saying how miserable she is here, and how sick she is and how we have no thermometer and no medicine (basically she becomes a tortured soul). So then he turns to BM and says "DOES this make you feel good?" BM is shocked and says "No." He says, "Okay, now that we've got that out in the open, SD11, you are going to show us some respect. If you get sick you tell ME. I'll be checking your phone periodically and if I see that you are breaking these rules, I'm taking your phone. So BM, if you stop hearing from SD11, just know that she has abused her phone privilege and I've taken the phone. Is everybody clear?" Apparently they both agreed.
:jawdrop:
We'll see how long this lasts, but right now I'm in complete and total awe of DH.
Wow! Good for him! I
Wow! Good for him! I really hope he sticks with that. It sounds like MAYBE he is someone who can listen to you and adjust for you.
I hope that one of the books you bought is Stepmonster, by Wednesday Martin. It is seriously the best book on stepparenting I've ever read -- and I've read LOTS of them. My advice is, get this book, read it cover to cover, and then make your DH read it -- or, if he's not a reader, make him read the sections that are most important.
Hugs, honey. I agree -- being a stepmom is the hardest gig I've ever had. And for the record, I LOVE my stepdaughters. Even with that, this job is super hard, especially with the psycho BM sticking her "everything needs to revolve around me" nose into every freaking thing. It's enough to drive you barking mad. Trust your gut, and don't be afraid to tell your DH that you are 50% of the couple, which means that your needs are 50% of the needs in the couple.
BB
"No matter how cynical I get, it's never enough." - Lily Tomlin
It's actually been a
It's actually been a relatively uneventful several days. SD11 has followed the rules with the text messaging, and DH has been checking the phone. She has exhibited minimal ASB (Attention Seeking Behavior), at least when I'm around. I think she finally realizes that I'm not going to coddle her when she does that, and that 'drama' isn't welcome in this house. And SS7's been pretty good too. The worst thing that happened was that he flicked some food from his mouth onto my plate at Thanksgiving dinner. The only thing that saved him was the look of complete horror on his face after he did it, like "Oh my God...did I just do that?!" Me and DH both told him that he better NEVER do anything like that again. He apologized, and I believe he was sincere.
Yes, I got that book! So far, it's amazing! I also got Stepmotherhood: How to Survive Without Feeling Frustrated, Left Out, or Wicked, Revised Edition, and it seems pretty good as well. I'm sharing parts of the book with DH as I read them...maybe that's what's helping too.
You DO need to deal with it
You DO need to deal with it now. You need to teach the skids that if they want to be in your house they must respect people-all people deserve respect. Treat others as you want to be treated. Then you and your husband need to set other ground rules and stand by each other and your ability to discipline them. You need to be a team in this and agree to work together on on matters relating to the skids. If DH makes you a second class citizen and doesn't allow you to discipline him then you have no chance.
That's amazing!!! Good for
That's amazing!!! Good for you and good for DH!!!