Adult Stepdaughter with 16mo old son - living at hom
My marriage is in serious trouble. I have been married to my wife for almost 12 years. This past year has been the hardest during the entire marriage, and that is including the two open heart surgeries I have endured.
My oldest stepdaughter has some serious emotional issues. Long story short, she has always had a problem with drugs, and she proceeded to get knocked up by the biggest loser known to man about 27 months ago. Without going in to too much detail, she moved to Texas a month before her due date with this guy, and then 5 months later called crying and begging to come home because her boyfriend was doing drugs and abusing her. We footed the bill to bring her home from Texas, only to realize we had been scammed as she went right back to him when she got back.
This cycle of leaving him and going back to him has continued for 2 years. She lived with her grandparents while trying to get away from him, and ended up getting back together with him, high on drugs, in a very ugly scene.
She left him again, and then one day during a visitation, he arrived high on drugs and kidnapped her and the baby, and it caused a huge scene with the police. He was arrested and imprisoned. We took her back again. When he got out of jail, we found out she was contacting him. I told her if she saw him again, she couldn't live in our house. I'm not sure what she is doing because she does not tell me or her mother anything. Her whole life is a secret and she has questionable habits.
During this time back in our house, she does not lift a finger. The house is trashed, she doesn't pay rent, she just recently got a full time job, and she has questionable parenting skills. Her mother refuses to stand up to her.
She screams at the kid constantly; I work hard and its hard to relax in my own home with her yelling. Yesterday, she was feeding the kid fast food for the 6th time this week. I told her she should cook for him because fast food is not healthy. As usual, she grabbed the baby and left. This time, her mother left also. She said she can't take it anymore, that she feels that I think nothing she does is right. I told her I love my grandson, and want the best for him, and that if i didn't care about him, I wouldn't say anything. She left and I didn't hear from her all night.
I love my wife very much. I have not always been the perfect husband, but when I made a mistake I made changes to be a better person and husband. I have attended counseling. I would make an honest statement that 95% of the marital problems my wife and I have are due to this stepdaughter. She is 25 years old and I don't see any signs of her changing. Any advice is very much appreciated.
Sounds to me your the real
Sounds to me your the real parent, and not the step. Most kids don't listen to parents advice. they have to make their own mistakes. but when she mature's into a woman she will see that you did care about her.you'll just have to be there for her when she falls, and pick her back up.
You need to have a long talk
You need to have a long talk with your wife on this. You can not continue to bail this grown SD out. You have had two heart surgeries and should not be expected to live with this stress. Hopefully your wife will, after you talk, realize that she is enabling this adult daughter and can no longer continue doing this. Her daughter needs some kind of help or intervention for things to change. I suggest either having an intervention with adult SD in order for her to get help and to hopefully become a better mother or call CPS to take custody of the child from her if she is still doing drugs and/or is abusisve. If you are up to raising the child CPS may let you and your wife do so until your SD is able to adeqautely take care of her own child.
None of these sceanarios would be easy but the turmoil would be temporary whereas what you are going through now is never going to end at this rate.
That's a tough one. I feel
That's a tough one. I feel really bad for you because you do have to speak up sometimes especially when a child's well being is at stake. You should take your wife out for a nice dinner and start off by saying I'm sorry if anything I've said to SD has offended or hurt you in any way because that wasn't my intentions at all. I love you very much and believe it or not I love SD as well. And proceed to tell her how you feel about the situation in a non-threatening tone. Keep your cool always even if she looses hers. You have to let her know how you feel and let her know that you aren't trying to attack either of them you're just concerned. See if that works. The reason I suggested a nice resteraunt is because she'll be least likely to flip her lid in there and give you a what for
Hopefully, this will help her see things from your point of view. If not, agree to disagree and just disengage. If SD is yelling at your grandchild, I would go to wife and say honey, I've had a really long day and I can't really relax with all of the yelling, do you mind telling SD to keep it down? If there's a problem, go somewhere else.
I have to disagree with
I have to disagree with stepmomhelp. How much more falling does a 25 year old WOMAN need to do before she gets it together? Not to mention the little baby that is suffering in all this with the instability that is going on.
I know your wife is worried for her grandson and that is probably why she wants your SD there.
I feel for you, because this must be an awful spot to be in. But unfortunately your wife is enabling it. The only way it will stop is by forcing this "girl" to grow up and become a woman and handle her responsibility. Until then she will continue to live off of all who allow.
What's hard is the fact that
What's hard is the fact that there is a little life involved. Sure, the girl is easy to toss to the street, but unfortunately in doing so the baby may suffer more. I'm not sure what the answer is, but you and your wife have to agree on some ground rules. I'm sure your wife is worried that the girl will run off and in doing so cause more worry over the welfare of the baby.
Sometimes in these situations tough love is the answer, but your wife is going to need to be on board and you both are going to have to decide if you want to take on the responsibility for a baby, even for a little while without the mother.
If the girl is doing drugs and is a threat to the child, it should be reported. The child can be placed in your custody until the girl is able to care for him.
Its a terrible spot to be in. I am sorry you, your wife and your baby grandson have to go through this.
Update**** SD has been in her
Update****
SD has been in her own place for the past year and a half. During that time, we have seen her high on meth quite a bit; she still works but lives in an apartment in the ghetto and she has questionable habits and parenting skills. She also just broke up with a loser that almost rivaled the loser I spoke about in my last post.
I am very attached to my grandson. He is a good boy and I know he loves me. Last night, my wife said that my SD asked to move back into the house. I have no doubt that if I wasn't around, my wife would let her move in right away.
As you can see from my OP, the SD is extremely difficult to live with. She has not made any positive changes in her life so I have no reason to believe this experience would be any different. She is 27 years old. Her excuse this time is that she wants to put her son in pre-school but cannot afford it. I offered to pay some of the costs. Her sister, my SD that I actually have a wonderful relationship with, would not even let her sister move in. I know this is going to cause some stress, but this time, if she moves in, I move out. I love my wife and don't want it to come to this, but I am not going to be put through the hell I was put through last time around.
Any advice? Thanks.
I havent posted in a
I havent posted in a while...things have gotten worse since my original post.
Now, adult SD is a full blown meth addict. She now has 2 more kids, for a total of three. She has abandoned them at this point, now my wife wants custody of them.
I am 38 and not sure how I feel about raising a 7 month old. Money is tight as it is and now it would be tighter. My wife is also talking about taking the two year old in too. I really am against that. This is not how I invisioned my life.
My wifes sister had to do the same thing; she has adopted 3 of her daughters kids because her daughter is a druggie too.
Probably the most maddening part of it all is that my wife and her sister think there is nothing wrong with their parenting skills. When i offer suggestions or input i am usually yelled at.
I am truly at a crossroads; my SD has really destroyed alot of things. I truly love my wife but i do not know about raising drug babies. I truly think my SD is too far gone and raising these babies will be a lifetime experience. I do not believe in cutting and running but i also have to ask, is there a limit to what one person can take? At the end of the day, there is no blood relation to these kids. Any thoughts or advice is appreciated.
Wow!!! I feel so sorry you
Wow!!! I feel so sorry you are having to go through this. I adopted two older kids who were the product of an alcoholic. It was no picnic. In fact, it turned into a freaking nighmare. Yes, giving a stable home to these poor little souls is a very noble thing but it takes a very special person to be able deal with their unique issues. I only wish I had some advice other than to keep writing to us at this site. At least by doing so it might help to stay grounded and sane. My heart goes out to you. (((HUGS)))