...he's waiting you out. If he waits long enough, you'll let her back in without having to do the counseling routine. (Maybe not, just my take on it.)

Setting the boundaries wasn't the wrong thing to do, but a three-month absence alone probably isn't going to change things much if at all. I mean, if she thinks you're a bitch, then she's probably just as happy to not have to go to your house or be around you. I dont' know, she might change for a little while, but it's not a permanent fix, especially if your hubby is not on board with really enforcing the rules and it doesn't sound like he is.

I think the two of you need to sit down alone and decide what your expectations are going to be for this child and what the consequences will be if she doesn't meet them. The two of you have to come to an agreement on this, then you need to communicate the expectations and consequences to her. Find out what she values, what's the most important thing to her, and then TAKE IT AWAY when she fails to meet expectations and follow rules. You have the right to be treated with respect in your home as the other adult in the family. You both need to communicate that to her, but HE has to be the one to really let her have it with both barrels if she disrespects you again or breaks any of the other rules. You have to be a united front.

Like with many of us here, your biggest problem is probably not the child, but the father, because he's the one being wishy-washy with his daughter and THAT is what's creating your heartburn. Maybe you could make a compromise with him... do the thing above about deciding upon and communicating expectations and consequences, then let her back for a certain period of time, however much you feel comfortable with, and tell him that if there are no changes in both of them, then it's straight to counseling you all go. But if they fail this time, then you really can't back down on the counseling a second time or, like you said, you'll lose all credibility.

Being a stepmom is tough, but just because we're "only" the STEPmom doesn't mean that we don't have any authority in our homes. You certainly have the right to make boundaries and set rules, and you have the right to expect that they will be respected. I hope your hubby gets on board, because you just can't let a child run wild with no consequences and expect them to turn out okay. If she's acting out for some reason, it's best to find out what it is and take care of it now before things really get out of hand.

But to answer your questions... Yes, I am a huge believer of (and enforcer of!) boundaries. Yes, my husband is totally supportive of the boundaries, but we talk first and set them together, no ultimatums. No, I don't think you should "bend" as far as letting them totally off the hook, but I do think you might be able to reach a compromise that will allow her to come back on a trial basis with the counseling being postponed and contingent upon your hubby and his daughter making acceptable changes.

I hope this helps!

~ Anne ~

Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)

You have every right to set boundaries and to stand by them. Don't second guess your instincts. But there is a compromise so you can gain positive long-lasting respect in the process. Anne is probably right about BD "waiting it out."

It sounds like you will need to not only set the boundaries, but back them up with action, since Pops isn't up to it. Not unusual, men are terrified of counseling. Clearly you cannot expect the SD to go to counseling on her own, she'll need someone to lead her, because going to counseling is a scary prospect for the best of us.

How about this idea?

You set an appointment with a family counselor for all 3 of you. Obviously the counseling won't occur without you taking the helm. Dad needs to set a positive example for his daughter by going, also. If her problems are simply due to her own hard-wiring than the counselor will get her into individual sessions.

During your first counseling session, make sure the counselor understands what boundaries you have set and then get a recommendation on how best to enforce it. Ideally, your SD will come back to your home with a better awareness of how her behavior effects her family.

Not knowing the whole situation, I totally see your point of view. I imposed that ruling too and ss is going to counseling.

I too see your dh's point. My dh has made the same point. It is his son why would he agree to not have his child in his home??? His child may need their father more than ever. Only one reason makes it necessary(for us anyway).... the other children. If the stepchild is a danger to the other children, or if he/she poses a VERY bad influence, then you have to protect the other children. THEY are your/my responsibility.

I also agree with the others about family counseling.