I don't think you have to be gentle about it. I think you tell him that he is invited but you cannot have a seconed person in your house coming to stay with you. If she shows up at the door then you need to let her know that you weren't expecting her, you do not have accommodations for her and that you will get her AND HIM the phone book so that may find a hotel.

I think Maux put it very accurately when she said that we turn into:

"The ghost that orders pizza"

I have used to have that feeling too. I felt like an outcast in my own home....that is until I started speaking up. One stepdaughter who has stolen from us, smoked weed at our house, and screwed guys in our bed while we were away on our honeymoon...she is no longer welcome at our house unless on of us is there. Your feelings and emotional well-being is just as important as anybody elses. Nothing will drive you crazier than feeling like you are not respected in your own home. You don't have to be polite about it at all, as you were already polite to him once. If he invites his sister again, just tell them that they both can leave.

I totally understand.... I am trying to get my husband to value OUR relationship first... He is married to me not his children. I really have been trying to talk to DH to communicate my frustrations and feelings and opinions. Trying to put responsibility for communicating OUR values and wishes with his children and not me. Peaceheart, does your husband support you and your wishes? If so, I suggest letting him do the talking otherwise you will always be the bad guy and to blame... :?

"Husband will just get mad at me if I said anything to him." Does he know this is HIS fault for not asking his kids to respect you in your home? dbk519 is right - you deserve it and it is his responsibility to set boundaries with his children just as it is your responsiblity to do so with your family if they are rude to him. As in my case, it is a heck of a lot easier to get mad at me than risk anger and rejection from Skids. When I marreid DH I had VERY low self-esteem so I could be easily manipulated into accepting blame for something I did not do. I was 'invisible' every time SD and her husband 'visited' - or they were sadistically rude, lazy, and cheap. The last fiasco was the straw that broke the camel's back. They are no longer allowed in our home. I have informed DH if they are to return they will have to accept that they are to be respectful of his wife.

"He is married to me not his children."

Good luck on getting most guilty biodads who are in direct fire from the CP PASinator BMs to see that one.

Do it-call SS back and say-since I was not previously consulted abuot the grandchild-I regret to inform you that I can't do it this time, I have previous obligations.

How f'in selfish can these guys be??? This is your dad you haven't seen all this time and get to enjoy and as you said-you don't know how much time you have. I would NOT wait for your Dh to fix it. Make the call, cancel the "grandsitting" and then INFORM your DH w/the same courtesy he gave you. In other words-say nothing. Let his son call him whining.

You can be firm and say-look, I have a lifetime to care/babysit for my grandkids...but not full 11 days and not when I'm enjoying my father. FIGHT BACK with all you have!!! Don't let this happen to you!

Honestly, don't know how tight your finances are....but after you INFORM SS you will NOT be having grandson over, that you want to cut HIS visit short (to 24-48hrs max)...and then if they try to pull one on you...take your dad, book a cabin somewhere and go have some quality time with your father. You may not have another chance. How incredibly selfish and rude!!

Do NOT babysit. Not even for one minute. Since you were not asked if you would be able to do it, let the kid come over and then REFUSE to help out. Do not lift one single finger. Go and spend time with your dad. I guarantee the DH will then think twice before he ever does that again. I am in the same boat. My wife is always agreeing to watch our SD21's kid so she can go out and do stuff at night, and I refuse to help out anymore.

I put it to my DH... Do you really want to lose me????? I don't believe that a bad relationship is better than no relationship at all. Are you choosing your son over me? You are married to ME. Thank God he heard me.... for now anyway we are talking.... I think your best bet would be to go on about your life, spend time with your Dad, and let your DH handle the grandchild on his own... he made the decision... it is his responsibility. :?

I am reading a book ( an almost finished )Why Is It Always About You? It is about Narcissists. It has helped me to better understand DH reactions and relationship with SS. They are intertwined with each other feeding each other's narcissistic needs. It is classic co-dependance. I was at a point where I was ready to end my marriage.... I felt soooo bad and I was just speaking up to be treated the way I thought I deserved (know I deserve), but that just made me more the bad guy because Narcissists interpret this at being attacked.... The book helped me understand, deal and communicate. It might help you.

On Amazon you can read excerpts from the book. Now I definitely getting it! Thanks for the recommendation.

When I offer to watch my grand daughter I am watching her, not DH.
If I need to go out to the store or pick something up I ALWAYS ask if he minds watching her. He says he doesn't mind always but i atill always ask.

Just tell your DH that he is welcome to have HIS grandson to stay.

Peaceheart,
Stay calm. ASK him questions... what is it that bothers you? etc. Ask, ask, ask... get him to talk. Maybe it is a good thing that will help the conversation. If DH doesn't want you to have friends or contact with anyone... that is a BAD thing. Remember he will feel like you have slandered his character... he thinks it is all about him, not you. Be safe and don't feed into his anger. If he is explosive you can always say I want to talk about this, but we need to do it when you are calm or it won't be a conversation. It might be good to realize that the frustrations you feel are not unique to your situation, too. Good luck.
and DH, if you are reading this.... You get your priorities straight... Relationship with God first and your WIFE second. Peace and LOVE.

How he reacted is classic turn the situation to what you supposedly are doing wrong instead of addressing the issue. Very immature. Your concerns are reasonable. He shouldn't invite people to stay without discussing it with you. End of story. And how hard is that to do? I guess someone is right, he can't say no to his son. I'm also concerned about his temper. Sounds like my ex. That was a bad marriage and I'm glad to be out of it.