I DON'T want to be a step-grandparent.
My relationship has so many issues. I love the man I'm with but I feel like I'm being bamboozeled and manipulated...and have been for the past 17+ years.
He was legally separated from his wife nearly 18 years ago. They had one child together, a daughter. She was 7 when I started seeing her father (the marriage broke up long before he and I ever met). Every year I hear "this year I'll get the divorce". Nothing ever happens. So here we are 17 years later and neither he nor his ex ever filed for legal divorce.
On top of that the daughter is now 24 and has a 5 yr old and a 1 month old (not married to father). I never wanted to be a step-mother, let alone a step-GRANDmother. Eventually, his daughter and I developed a workable 'big sister, little sister' relationship when she was young. However, I still never wanted to be anyone's mother, never wanted kids, etc. So now I am stuck with feeling the pressure to be a grandmother to his grandchildren, even though every ounce of my being resents the very notion of it.
Now he has brought the 5 yr old to say with us for a few days because the child wanted to come stay with "papi". (The mother, father and children live out of state about 400 miles from us). I feel that my privacy has been invaded, I'm angry and irritated. I had no choice but to say okay as I would never have heard the end of it if I said no. But now I am extremely angry at how I've allowed myself to be manipulated for so many years. I keep making concessions so he will be happy (tolerating his not being divorced, not having a ring on my finger, putting up with his not fixing things on the house, and now...grand kids taking priority.)
We own a home together which complicates things. But I just can not do this anymore. I don't WANT this. I don't want grandchildren or ANY children in my life. I'm living a lie if I pretend that everyhting is just great when the grandchild is in the picture.
I just don't know what to do. I'm so frustrated. I've told him how I feel many, many times over the years but he just doesn't seem to care. Any time I bring up the divorce he gets defensive and manipulates the conversation. It's all about his daughter and now the grand kids. Sometimes I wonder why I was stupid enough to get involved with a man (that I do love desperately) that had the baggage of a previous marriage.
I've waited so long to get him to myself (the daughter being grown) and now a whole new set of lives have been forced upon me and I'm the one making the concessions so he'll be happy. When does it get to be what I want and what makes me happy?
*sigh* I'm so exhausted by this whole scenario. It will absolutely tear my heart out to leave him, but just can't keep doing this. I've put up with it long enough. I just can't keep playing 2nd fiddle. I need a man that will always put me first, but how do you leave someone after 17 years???? *sobbing* I don't know what to do.....
I know how this all sounds. It sounds pathetic and selfish. Maybe I am selfish but really, who has been the more selfish one for the last 17 years? And who has been the stupid one...that's right...me! Truly though, isn't it better to be honest about how I feel and what I do/don't want than to just keep living a lie? I just think we'd both be happier with someone that wants the same things.
Stupid, Selfish?
I don't think so. Try realistic and honest. You are living my nightmare. I've been married to DH for 19 years and I have a 26 SD. I finally learned that I was never #1 and I never will be. It hurts and it sucks but it is what it is. DH and I still have our good times and that's what keeps me going through the bad. You have to do what's right for you and you don't want to look back 17 years from now and realize that you made the wrong decision. Stay strong.
Glynne
Maybe....
Maybe, since you love him so much - you need set him free and move on. IF HE LOVES YOU, HE WILL CHANGE HIS WAYS AND FAMILY DYNAMICS.
IF NOT, THEN HIS LOSS AND NO MORE BAGGAGE FOR YOU TO HANG ONTO. SHOW HIM THAT YOU MEAN BUSINESS AFTER ALL OF THESE YEARS AND WILL NO LONGER BE TOLERATED. SINCE HE HAS NOT TAKEN YOU SERIOUSLY SO FAR! YOU BE THE ONE WHO IS IN CONTROL....SOMETIMES MEN LIKE STRONG AND CONFIDENT WOMEN - IT'S A TURN ON FOR THEM!
I KNOW IT'S EASIER SAID THAN DONE, BUT LIVING THE WAY YOU ARE LIVING HAS TO BE PRETTY MISERABLE.
Find someone NEW AND EXCITING, WHO WILL NOT HAVE FAMILY BAGGAGE. WHO KNOW???? IT COULD BE FUN AND EXCITING.
SELFISH OR STUPID???? NO, AT ALL!
Maybe....
Maybe, since you love him so much - you need set him free and move on. IF HE LOVES YOU, HE WILL CHANGE HIS WAYS AND FAMILY DYNAMICS.
IF NOT, THEN HIS LOSS AND NO MORE BAGGAGE FOR YOU TO HANG ONTO. SHOW HIM THAT YOU MEAN BUSINESS AFTER ALL OF THESE YEARS AND WILL NO LONGER BE TOLERATED. SINCE HE HAS NOT TAKEN YOU SERIOUSLY SO FAR! YOU BE THE ONE WHO IS IN CONTROL....SOMETIMES MEN LIKE STRONG AND CONFIDENT WOMEN - IT'S A TURN ON FOR THEM!
I KNOW IT'S EASIER SAID THAN DONE, BUT LIVING THE WAY YOU ARE LIVING HAS TO BE PRETTY MISERABLE.
Find someone NEW AND EXCITING, WHO WILL NOT HAVE FAMILY BAGGAGE. WHO KNOW???? IT COULD BE FUN AND EXCITING.
SELFISH OR STUPID???? NO, AT ALL!
Post-visit of 'step grand child'
It was a DISASTER. My S.O. basically lied to me about how the child's behavior was 'better now that he's older'. The child has not changed one bit. His still poorly discplined and still climbed all over my S.O. like he was a jungle gym, stuck his feet in his face (literally) and still controlled every move and situation and demanded my S.O.'s CONSTANT attention. I demanded some down time and that my S.O. make the child mind and be still/redirect him to color or something for awhile. Instead of respecting my wishes he took him into the spare bedroom adjacent to the living room and started throwing him onto the bed like it was a trampoline (they were playing as if it were one). The child was screaming and saying MORE! MORE! and banging against the wall. That's when I lost it! I went into the bedroom and said enough is enough!
Once again, instead of showing me any respect and/or NOT letting the FIVE YEAR OLD CONTROL THE SITUATION, he stormed out with the child and they left in his vehicle for an hour and a half. Once they returned he continued to let the child bounce around and climb all over him. I was furious and let it be known and just went to bed (at 8PM!). Even then I got no respite as he allowed the child to stay up making noise until well after 10:30PM. As if that weren't bad enough, he completely ignored taking care of our dogs (whom he is usually very devoted to). He left them outside in the horrifying heat and humidity for an untypical amount of time so the child could do whatever he pleased in the house. I was livid to say the least. The next morning we got into an argument over the entire situation which left me in tears. I told him I just didn't understand why he couldn't discipline the child and make him mind, and that it was totally disrepectful of him to subject me to such an awkward situation (knowing I didn't want the visit to happen to begin with, but relented after he assured me the child would be well-behaved). He then left me in tears and drove the child home.
I'm totally unhappy and dejected and feel that I can not believe anything he tells me now. He's manipulated me to get his way and I am left feeling empty and frustrated.
Hummm...
I'm a stepgrandma too. It's easier for me because I am also a biomom.
I hope I do not offend, I realize that you have been through a lot but this is his grandchild! Parents look forward to the day they have grandkids that they can have nothing but a good time with and then return them home to the parents.
My DH is soooooo in love with his grandson and its really important to him to have him over and spend time with the boy. If I'm not feeling up to it, I just go and involve myself in other diversions and let him go to it. Really, I think when my kids have children of their own, I suspect I will be like DH.
Some woman are just not kid people. There is a mistaken myth that all woman are maternal and want children. It just not reality.
You are going to have to make hard decisions about your relationship. He has a kid, he has a grandchild and these are the facts of his life. He loves them unconditionally as a parent should.
Reading your post, the 5 year old sounds pretty normal for the age group and I don't really see it as manipulative.
I don't know what to tell you. You never wanted kids and he had one. He can't erase this fact and its unreasonable for you to expect him not to spend time with his grandkids.
You need to sit down and have a frank and honest discussion with him. Maybe you can work out some deal where, when he has the little one, that you can find something else to do instead feeling under pressure to be "grandma". Think of yourself as "grandpa's wife".
Can you disengage yourself when they are around?
My thoughts are take some personally counselling and then decide what you want or need to do for your own sanity.
I wish you the best of luck in whatever decision you make.
We all smile in the same language
Disasterous visit
Thank you for your reply anita. No you are not offending me with your response. But you may be a bit biased in that you are a person that has and wanted children, so it may be difficult for you to see things from the opposite perspective.
I understand this is his grandchild. But he has known from day one that I do not like children and that I do not want them around.
Regarding being unreasonable: I do not expect him to NOT spend time with his grandkids. That was never, ever alluded to or suggested.I just don't want to be involved in the visits on any level. Therefore, it makes no sense for him to bring the kid to our home. He can just as easily go stay with his daughter (who doesn't work) and have their visit. I am fine with that. But the fact that he totally disregarded my objections and lied to me is what infuriates me. Not sure if you got that is what I was driving at.
As far as having an honest discussion...we've been down that road numerous times. He knows how I feel and has for 17 years. Unfortunately, he seems to think he can change how I feel by 'tricking' me into being around children. Clearly this is not the case.
Regarding the child himself: Be it 'normal' or not, it is very evident that the child has been allowed to call the shots all the time. This is evidence by grandpa and his parents giving in to him at every turn. Sorry but I will not have a 5 year old being in charge of what happens and when.
Personal counseling? For what? Not sure what you mean here.
As for finding something else to do if the child is at our home...checking into a dog friendly motel sounds like an excellent idea. Of course, that would go over about as well as a you know what in church.
Bottom line is it appears this relationship is headed for the skids. The tension between us since Monday is PALPABLE.
Here's the thing....
He may know you don't want grandchildren and don't want them around, but why is what you want more important than what he wants? He's not forcing you to play happy doting grandma, he just wants the freedom for himself to be the happy doting grandpa. And you said they live 400 miles away, so I would assume you don't have to have the child there very often. If, after 17 years, you cannot accept that he DOES like children and will want to be a part of his grandchildren's lives, then it is best you leave. Honestly, yes it is very selfish for you to be upset about a child wanting to spend time with his grandpa. Grandparents are not disciplinarians, unless a child's behavior is extreme or dangerous, thats not their job! That is one of the joys of being a grandparent....all you do is play and spoil and send them back to the parents! Lighten up and let him visit with his grandkids or he will resent the hell out of you, as it sounds like he already does. If you cannot do that, I think ite time for you to walk. Good luck.
"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"
Meant No Offence about
the counselling. Sorry if it seemed like I was alluding to something being wrong with you, that's not what I meant. Counseling can help you work through the issue and make a clear decision with an unbiased third party as to what is ulitmately the best decision for you.
We all smile in the same language
Whoopsie... double post
We all smile in the same language
I am sorry you feel this way
I am sorry you feel this way and are in this situation which you are not happy with.
I am just very confused on why you married a man that you knew had children and would one day have grandchildren if you do not like children what so ever.
You can not expect him to not have his grandchild around to your house it is also his home.
My parents got divorced after 43years of marriage and I have two boys they are now 13 and 16. My father married a woman he was apparently having an affair with she is like you and does not like children.
My parents saw my children everyday since they were born (first grandchildren and they lived 10min away) since she made it clear she does not like children my boys rarely see my dad and I have not spoken to him in 3 years.
I think this is a terrible situation that my dad created because he allowed this woman to change the way he was with his grandchildren however, I blame him and only him because he did allow it.
I understand you love this man and want to be married to him but, you need to take what comes with him and that his family.
From my experience when parents are asked to choose they will choose their children (except my dad apparently) -)
I know that is not what you wanted to hear and it is just my opinion so please do not get offended.
Good Luck
I have accepted my fathers
I have accepted my fathers choice trust me I do not speak to him not because of him not seeing the boys as much there is a LOT of other issues.. Having an affair after 43 years of marriage and while my mother was taking care of his sister in another country who died of a brain tumor trust me MANY, MANY, MANY things.
However, my comment was more about not wanting to be around ANY kids and then marry a man that has a child and now grandchildren. It sounds like she wants NOTHING to do with any of the children and that is just not fair on her husband. I feel she is making him choose and no parent should have to do that.
To expect him to only go to his daughters house to see her and his grandchild is selfish. That is his home also and his daughter should feel welcome there even if SM does not really want her there.
To each their own but I know if I had to choose between my FH or my kids it would be my kids. And, I know if I made him choose I would be the one out on the streets and that is one of the reasons I love him. I much as we all have issues with SK they are still their kids.
You've answered your own question.
He's not going to change and you hate being with him.
Lets see - you've invested 17 years in this relationship. I've got an idea: spend another year and see if things are better after you've invested 18.
Note sarcasm.
I'm not trying to be mean - just realistic. I know it hurts and you hate the fact that all your dreams and desires have gone down the drain. Either buck up and take it or move on. I hope you'll find that when he realizes how serious you are he'll make some concessions you can live with.
*********************
There's an exception to everything I say.
I interpret your perspective as you don't want anything to do
with Children in general so your SO should cut all ties with his children and grand children.
I am extremely blessed that my own Mother accepted my Wife and SS as equity Rags's on equal footing with my Bro's wife and biokids.
I suggest you go back and read your initial and subsequent posts of this thread and see how you would feel if your SO said something along the lines of "I don't give a crap how you feel. My daughter and GrandChild are moving in permanently and you can either deal with it or leave". I suspect you would not take too kindly to that statement if your SO said it, hinted at it or, gave the impression that he felt that way.
I think that a periodic visit by your SO's daughter and his GrandChild is perfectly reasonable and it is perfectly reasonable for him to expect to be able to have those relationships without his SO (You) being unreasonable about it.
There is obviously a lot of history behind this situation that no one but you and SO can know. Please recognize that my observations and suggestions are the result of only the posts you made on this thread.
Since you are so adamant about NO KIDS EVER ...... the next time the GrandKid comes to visit book a Luxury Spa Resort Trip so that you do not have to be aggravated about how the Kid and GrandFather interact... Which by the way, no where did you say the kid did any direct interaction or in any way aggravated you beyond your being aggravated while watching the Kid and GrandPa play.
Take a deep breath, step back and go get a massage with an umbrella drink during GrandSkid visits. It sounds to me that other than when the kid is with your SO you and SO have a great relationship. If everything else is great I would be hesitant in ending a 17yr+ relationship over a single aggravating issue.
As for your SO lying to you about the GrandSkids behavior??????????? I don't think a statement that the kid is older and behaves better than when he was younger is a lie. If the kid used to crap his diaper and run around screaming and crying and now is a rambunctious 5yo boy who runs around laughing and playing with GrandPa how is his behavior not better? And how is this a lie? I don't get that at all.
I also think you are failing to see a very important point in this situation. It is far more reasonable for SO to expect to be able to have his family visit him in HIS home than it is for you to forbid him to have family visitors in YOUR home. The home is shared by both of you. Nearly your entire perspective on this fails the SMELL test. You are the one being unreasonable in this situation. Learn to compromise and apply the test of reasonableness. IMHO
Ceteris Paribus.
I did not intend to offend with my usual pragmatic perspective. At least I hope I am usually pragmatic.
Good luck and best regards,
Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)
Question???
Don't take this the wrong way...
But...
Why are you involved in a 17+ year affair with a married man? Because honestly until the day he divorces his current wife, you are merely the other woman, my dear. I know that sounds harsh. However if the man isn't willing to get up off his behind and get an actual legal divorce from his wife---after 17+ years?!?---then why would you ever think you were his #1 and he would put you above his wife/kids/grandkids?
Simply a question for you to ponder.
Take care,
Anne
"Sometimes you have to test the limits to show you're not a doormat."
I realize that you are
I realize that you are disappointed and angry that things didn't go the way you wanted after 17 years.
It's way out of line to demand to control his visits with his grandkids. Can you imagine how you would react if he said you could not have any more adult friends over because they were too noisy? Or if he demanded that you make your women friends watch tv or read a newspaper quietly while visiting so that he could have time without having to hear them?
You say you have waited so long to get him to yourself. Did he agree to this plan that you would not have to endure his family in the home you share once his daughter was of age, or did you just assume that once his daughter was of age, it would be 'your turn', and your wishes and demands would be obeyed?
It sounds like you decided that the prize for waiting for the daughter to grow up would be having your BF all to yourself. If he didn't openly agree, and promise you that you would never have to set eyes on another young family member, then you have no reason to be angry. You cannot set up a bargain without the other person signing the contract.
No matter how long you have waited, you are not entitled to refuse to allow his family to visit a home that you both own. Waiting is not a form of currency that entitles you to call the shots after a certain period of time has elapsed. You chose to take that gamble, and it sounds like it has not panned out. Either re-negotiate the contract or cut your losses and leave.
You owe him an apology for being rude and selfish to him, and for making his grandson feel unwelcome. He, btw, tried to accomodate you by leaving with the boy for an hour and a half, and instead of your recognizing the consideration, you just became more angry about...just exactly what were you angry about, anyway? He took the kid out of your sight. What more did you want? Grandparents are not there to make kids seen and not heard.
Sounds like you wanted proof that he was choosing your wishes over those of the child. That's not going to happen. No point in being mad at him about it. He never promised you that, did he?
If you hate the kid that much, leave, because the child is not going to disappear, and I sincerely doubt that Grandpa is going to spoil his time with the children by trying to find a way to play that meets with your approval. Find a childless man, and let your current SO find a woman who can welcome his kid/grandkids.
I also prefer not to be around kids, btw. What I can't fathom is why you'd buy property with someone who has them, and likes them.
Not to mention that now she
Not to mention that now she will probably be awarded alimony. She will reap the benefits of his retirement and she will be able to collect his social security. Doesn't sound to me as though he has your best interest at heart. If I were you, I wouldn't give any other pieces of myself. He either lets you in the family by marrying you or you don't participate in the family and that includes watching his grandchild.