Must I love the SS as much as my BS?
I am a new step parent to SS9 (will be 10 next week). I have a BS8. The problem is, I have trouble being as affectionate towards my SS the same as I am to my BS. The SS is very sweet (so far!) and loves me and is always (I mean always - way more than my own BS!) more affectionate towards me like giving me hugs and patting me and so on. I have trouble showing him the same attention I do my own son let alone reciprocating the attentiion he gives me back. I love him but he's still like "someone else's child". I do try though. I'm always nice to him and I try to be as fair as possible and I don't think I show my true feelings (I hope!)
For background, my DH and I dated for almost 3 years and didn't move in together until we were married which was just in May this year. I know it hasn't been long but is this normal to feel this way?
I mentioned this in a comment in another forum but at night when I tuck the boys into bed, they both give me kisses but I feel wierd giving my SS a kiss. I've always kissed my BS on the lips (closed mouth quick peck) but I feel wierd kissing my SS on the lips.
So, two questions:
1) How do I treat these boys the same like they were both mine?
2) Is it ok that I still want 'alone' time with my BS without the SS? - example, is it ok to take my BS to the store with me but tell the SS he can't go or should I be fair and either take them both or tell the SS that next time he can go with me without BS? The problem is, I don't want to take SS.
Like I said, he's a very sweet boy. I don't know whey I feel like this and I don't know if it's normal.
Advice?
i have a hard time with that too
I had SS4 & SD7 in my life for a few years before DH & I had BS1 & even though I don't want to treat them differently, I feel the need to have a little time with just BS1 when SK's are over here, even if it's just a quick trip to the store for milk or something. I don't do it to make SK's feel bad, I just figure that as much as we love our SK's, they aren't ours & that little bit of time gets us out of the way so they can have dad to themselves (I usually need a break from their bad habits anyway). ~bookgirl~
hit me up
when u find the answer...
Congratulations
First of all congratulations on not moving in together until you two were married. I'm not a prude who thinks no one should live together. As long as they don't have children I could care less. What you did was teach both of your children the importance of marriage when children are involved.
It's very important that you not let your SS have any inkling of being treated differently in any important manner. You're intitled to your feelings - but you went into this with your eyes open - you're not entitled to emotionally damage this kid.
How you work the details out is up to you - there are just too many situations to cover in a few sentences. Just keep it as even as you would with two bio-kids that are almost the same age.
Don't think he'll not catch your differences in kisses either. You can't hide anything from a kid who lives in the same home as you do.
Listen you're what - 35 years old? You'll be 43 when the kid graduates from high school then you'll have 30 years or more to be alone with your husband. You may wish you had both kids back.
Meanwhile how you act is important not how you feel.
*********************
There's an exception to everything I say.
Congratulations
First of all congratulations on not moving in together until you two were married. I'm not a prude who thinks no one should live together. As long as they don't have children I could care less. What you did was teach both of your children the importance of marriage when children are involved.
It's very important that you not let your SS have any inkling of being treated differently in any important manner. You're intitled to your feelings - but you went into this with your eyes open - you're not entitled to emotionally damage this kid.
How you work the details out is up to you - there are just too many situations to cover in a few sentences. Just keep it as even as you would with two bio-kids that are almost the same age.
Don't think he'll not catch your differences in kisses either. You can't hide anything from a kid who lives in the same home as you do.
Listen you're what - 35 years old? You'll be 43 when the kid graduates from high school then you'll have 30 years or more to be alone with your husband. You may wish you had both kids back.
Meanwhile how you act is important not how you feel.
*********************
There's an exception to everything I say.
What I recently learned
I recently learned that loving/liking/caring for someone is a decision not a feeling. My counselor told me this when I found out SD almost 19 had to come live with us. I didn't want her here and at the time I didn't like or love her but she had no where else to go.
I made a decision to care for her. I didn't want to but I made my mind up that for my husband I would try. It seems to be working. It's kind of like mind-over-matter.
It's similar to the Love-Dare movie. Ever see it? He made a decision to make his marriage work regardless of his feelings and it worked. Easier said than done but not impossible.
I must say that I feel happier now than I ever did in our 5 1/2 years of marriage. I don't feel angry anymore and that is so freeing. I wish I would have known this sooner.
Good luck.
Thank for all for the
Thank for all for the inspiration. I know I want to treat this boy as if he was mine. That is what is good and right and I know he needs that. I don't want him to feel inferior to my BS. That could be disasterous down the road.
As I said he's a good boy but he's got some annoying querks and he gives me a little too much attention. I hate to use this analogy but... He reminds of this dog I had once. She was the sweetest thing... part golden retriever. But she required a lot of attention and always wanted petted and would take her wet nose and nudge my hand contstantly or put her paw on me and it drove me nuts. I think this boy is a bit of an attention grabber like that and it's just a bit annoying. He doesn't force me to pet him
but he's always giving me hugs and rubs my arm. Anyways, I just find it a bit much since I don't have the affection towards him.
I did see the movie Love Dare. Great movie. Saw it with my DH. I know that love is a choice. I am choosing to love this child (and the SS17 I have not mentioned). I just wondered if it should be or can be any different that loving your bio-child and if my feelings should be expected to grow over time. I am very proud that we waited until we were married to live together but now we have quite the learning curve that we need to expedite for the sake of the kids!
This was a no kid weekend... kids were with their other parents. Normally they all come home Sunday nights but I just got the call from my ex that my son is staying the night since he doesn't have to work tomorrow. It sucks. I hate going this long without seeing him and I don't like having my SS without my bio-son here. But I will choose to love him and tuck him into bed and kiss him goodnight. Then, SS is going to Nana's for the next week.
it's just different
I totally know how you feel when you say that you don't have the same feelings for both boys. I adopted my DH's daughter (now 10) and I have a 2 yr son with my DH. I am sorry, but I just don't have the bond with her that I have with the baby. I have been her SM(now only mom) since she was 7. I feel horrible every day because I am not the mom to her that she needs. I feel like everyone expects me to pick up the pieces from the neglect and drama that her BM put her through. It is just too much for me. I feel judged all the time. If one more person tells me that they are praying for our family I am going to run away! These are supposed to be wonderful fun years with my toddler, but we are always dealing with drama because of her and her BM. I'm just a little resentful. It sucks.