I apologize ahead of time because I know this is going to be a long post. But we are in a desperate situation, and I am SO grateful that I found this website where I can possibly vent to someone who just might UNDERSTAND.

When my husband and I got married, my children from my previous marriage were grown, but he had an eight-year-old daughter who we have full-time custody of. Bio-mom was a neglectful, selfish, lazy, alcoholic who abandoned her kid and never worked a day in her life. My husband and I each work two jobs, and now we had an 8 yr old to raise, 24/7. SD needed a mother. She needed reassurance that her Dad (or I) wouldn't "leave" her, like her BM did. Her hygiene was atrocious, and she had terrible body odor. Her activities resembled those of a four-year-old. In the third grade, she was in her room alone all the time, coloring or playing with stuffed dogs. She could not tell time, nor could she tie her shoes, and she did not even know how to wipe herself after using the bathroom. She was horrible to her grandparents, and screamed and cried when she had to go visit with them. She threw temper tantrums if she didn't get her way. She had no regular bed-time.

So I dug in and helped, because that’s what families do: step up for each other no matter what life throws your way. I helped her with her schoolwork. I met with her teachers. I signed her up for youth basketball and I attended every game and cheered her on. I taught her how to wash herself, how to take a shower and clean her hair, how to tie her shoes, how to tell time. I signed her up to be in a mother-daughter fashion show with me. I took her trick-or-treating, we made Halloween treats together. I went to her school concerts. I took her to feed the ducks. I took her school shopping. I organized birthday parties. I helped her rebuild her relationship with her grandparents. I take care of her when she’s sick. I encourage her to do her best.

I even tried to help BM get back into SD’s life, by encouraging visits and phone calls, inviting her to to our home, to SD’s basketball games (BM dropped the ball and never showed up once). Not only was I raising my new SD, but now I was dealing with BM, who would still beg my husband for money, whose boyfriends would call our house and threaten us, who would set up SD for a visit and then never show up, who would phone us while she was drunk and high, demanding that I let her speak to “her daughter”. We spent hundreds of hours in court with her. Things started to get better as I took on the responsibilities, and BM faded away. We began to see positive changes in SD’s life, and so did her teachers and other parents. (BM was given a no-contact order by the Court. However, BM has since filed for visitation and her sister has started to call and visit constantly... so we are STILL dealing with that side).

About a year and a half ago, as SD began to get older, I began adding little chores to her life. Nothing big (no chimney-sweeping or window-washing), just how to care for our pets, and I showed her how to do her own laundry (as I did with all of my other children). SD started to resent having responsibilities and at every chance she got, she would “forget” to do it. She would neglect to give the cats any water for days, leave the dog outside on his chain for hours. We had to take those chores away (for the health and safety of the animals), and we tried to start “smaller”… keep your room clean. She would complain to her father, because she knew he would feel bad. I was becoming the “evil-step-mother”. She started to act more “needy” toward Dad, and (when her father was at work), more and more nasty to me. My husband fell for the act, and the kid recognized it and began to use it to her advantage. I knew what was happening, and tried to explain it to my husband. He does not believe me, and he thinks I’m too strict. I think she should have to earn the extras and the fun stuff, because she will build self-esteem. SD has realized that she can “play” her father to give herself a life of ease, at the same time causing grief to me (the source of her “work”).

SD is now 12 yrs old, and in Middle School. She still sits in her room drawing pictures and playing Nintendo. Her father feels bad for her, and says, “That’s just the way she is, she’s not popular.” She has her own room, and a TV with cable, Playstation, Nintendo Wii, Nintendo DS. She wanted a dog, so Dad got her a puppy, now she doesn’t take care of it, she has had 2 brand new bicycles in the past three years (which she doesn’t even use, because her father drives her everywhere). She does not know how to be a good friend – she is thoughtless and mean to other kids. She lies to her father, and he believes everything she says. If she can get away with it, she will not wash her face, brush her teeth, or shampoo her hair. She dresses like a slob. She still has NO chores or responsibilities, except to keep her room clean, which she does not do. She has lost or broken FIVE pairs of glasses (at $100 apiece), which she needs, but hates to wear. She has tons of DVDs which lay broken and scratched and strewn about her room, along with candy wrappers and junk food (which she sneaks). She gets D’s and C’s on her report card. She is missing homework assignments. She has told people in our town that I am mean to her (we live in a very small town, and my husband and I also work in this town, so word gets around quickly). She talks to me like dirt (or completely ignores me) when my husband is not around, but when he’s home, she does the sweet little, “Hi, Mom!” when she walks by me.

We signed her up to play town youth soccer, basketball, and softball. In three years she has still not made friends with a single kid on ANY of her teams. She tells us that no one likes her. We sent her to summer camp (two weeks, sailing, horseback riding, crafts, kayaking) and she said she didn’t like it and she won’t go back. We had her Core Evaluated at school – they said she has no learning disabilities. We went to a family therapist for months who said, “She is fine. She has developed good coping strategies to help with the trauma of the loss of her bio-mom.” This proves to me that she has become an expert manipulator of the adults around her.

Our home has become a dark, depressing nightmare: It is not an exaggeration when I say we have angry, painful fights (about this child) EVERY day. I do not want to come home from work anymore. I do not want my husband to hate his life. He keeps saying, “Why don’t you just ignore her, and let me do it my way?” I say, “Why don’t we just become a team and show this child that we are both on the same page when it comes to our expectations of her? She doesn’t have to like me. You just need to back me up on the rules.” I feel that if the marriage comes first, SD will respect that and follow suit. I said to him, “I haven’t changed, you haven’t changed. What HAS changed is that SD is getting older, and she is sabotaging this marriage.” Right up until our most recent fight (first thing this morning), he has still said to me, “You’re wrong. That is your opinion.”

I can’t sit by and NOT do anything. We all have to live in this house together. Part of my problem is that I am being selfish about our future. I am afraid that if I “ignore” the problems, she will NEVER become independent. We will have a 20 year old version of her BM on our hands… someone who can not hold a job, will not take care of herself, living off of boyfriends and welfare, and STILL clinging to her father to bail her out of every jam she gets in. I do not want to lose my husband, and at the same time I do not want to have a needy, dysfunctional child on my hands for the rest of our lives! I also am very afraid for SD; I fear that she is genetically inclined toward a negative lifestyle. As nasty as she is to me, I still want her to be a capable young adult who can make good decisions. Not someone (like her BM) who we will have to pick up at mental institutions after yet another suicide attempt or “accidental” overdose.

Is it me? Am I being unrealistic? I will admit this: I do think that I know what’s best, and maybe I am being too stubborn. But, I have a ton of parenting skills and experiences (good and bad, I know where I did well and where I made mistakes). I raised three kids on my own (who turned out to be well-adjusted adults), I also had D.S.S. foster children, and my job of thirteen years is that I am a teacher at an “alternative” high school for troubled teenagers. Between my job and D.S.S., I have been to hundreds of counseling sessions, courses and workshops on childhood behavior, and I experienced literally hundreds of real life situations every day with my own children and with my students. My husband has never had any other kids.

This kid has more fun and has more toys and more vacations and experiences than any kid I’ve ever met! She has security (we manage to pay our bills and we own our own home). I was exactly as strict with my bio-kids as I am with SD – except that my other kids had chores. My husband will allow SD to have “extras” without any effort on her part. The newest “extra” for SD is that Dad has now signed her up to play Travel Softball… extra fun in addition to the regular town softball. Extra cost to us. Extra time invested in driving to games, practices, etc. And SD still doesn’t have a care in the world. Still treats me like shit, too. This travel softball thing is the current source of ALL our fights. It’s really pissing me off.

We can not live another day like this. I keep saying to my husband, “She is only 12, I guarantee you it will be worse when she’s 15!” I am starting to think that I am selfish, and I am beginning to doubt myself. I am exhausted to the point of insanity. I don’t know what else to do. And I feel like I am just getting old and bitter.

Thank you for letting me vent.